❝ And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds; in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you. ❞
- THE CHOAS OF STARS -

-

LATER that night, after the sun was down, I sat on the bench's table and listened to the crickets sing in the distance. I had my legs pulled up to my chest, and I steadily rocked back and forth.

"Hey," I heard a voice. I peeked my head up, seeing Rick. All I wanted to do was jump up and hug him with all that I had, but I just straightened myself up instead. "I have something for you."

Expecting words, I received a letter instead. Seriously. He stuck out a white envelope to me, and with eyebrows together in question, I slowly took it from him and read the front of it: TESS.

When I looked up to him in question, he explained, "It's from Carl. He wrote everyone a letter and didn't leave you out. I didn't know when was a good time to give it to you, but I decided now was a good time than any."

My mouth was ajar in such shock and sadness. I didn't know what to say or even what to do at this point. I knew that I had to read the letter, but when?

Just as I was about to place the letter in my lap, Rick reached out and grabbed my hand and held onto it for a few seconds. Our eyes met, and he whispered, "Thank you... For being there for my son."

With that said, Rick took off into the darkness as he just left me to sit there with that letter. I looked at the front again, and it was definitely Carl's sloppy handwriting. I was no better, though. Holding it in my hands, my right thumb ran over where he had written my name.

I grabbed my flashlight that was lying next to me, and I took off more into the darkness. I wanted to be completely alone when I read his letter. So, I ran off to where I used to sneak out through and sat there.

I bit down on my bottom lip first before taking a deep breath. I ripped the envelope open, but without damaging it, and it was one single sheet of paper. I snatched it out and held the letter in my right hand as I used my left hand to hold the flashlight over it.

Dear Tess,
I wanted to start off by saying that I'm sorry. I know that you wanted me to live. I remember all of the sacrifices that you made, especially for me.

You are so much more braver than you think and so much more amazing than you would like to believe. You always made me feel safe, even when in the face of danger. You were always there, willing to take the bullet for me at the snap of the fingers. I didn't realize that until it was too late...

Please help take care of my dad for me. Michonne will only be able to do so much on her own. And, if you could, would you help with Judith, too? I know that you're not going to be alright after I'm gone, so I'm not even going to tell you to be strong for me. You will find your will to keep going one day again.

I will miss you every single second that I'm not with you. I love you, Big Sis. Forever and always.

- Carl

It was short and sweet, right to the point, but why did it leave me in a fit of tears, though? My mouth was left ajar and almost crying all over his letter to me.

Neatly, I folded the paper and placed it back in the envelope, sitting it next to me while I collected myself and thoughts. It's not safe, my thoughts told me. Carl died, which means you could die, too. Are you even okay?

No, I'm not okay. Far from it. Carl is dead, and this confirms it. He is gone, and I am not okay.

After that, my mind started to wander, and everything was slow after that. I didn't realize the damage that I had caused onto myself until my head started pounding, and this is when I noticed that I was hitting my head with balled fists. Everything was my fault, and when I'm around, people got killed.

So, I jumped up with the letter in my back pocket and my flashlight in hand, running off to the trailer that I was currently sharing with Tara. I quietly entered, seeing that she was already asleep. What I wanted to do was take all the shit in here and throw it at the walls, but that wouldn't solve anything. Not exactly, that is.

On the counter, I saw a stack of paper and a pen. A million things went through my mind before I settled on one. I grabbed the pen and wrote onto a few sheets of paper:

By the time any of you find this, I will be gone. I could've stayed and fought alongside you guys until the bitter end. I decided not to, though. I decided to be weak and to feel sorry for myself and leave.

I'm sorry. I don't think that I can tell any of you that enough. I love you all so much and can't thank you enough for always keeping me safe. You all made me feel like I was family without ever being blood. I really and truly appreciate that.

The reason why I have to leave is because I'm not fully focused. I have to be focused, or I will lose sight, and y'all will realize something's wrong. You wanna know what's wrong, though? Carl is gone. Gosh, he was such a GREAT kid... He was amazing.

But, he FUCKED up. He did and he couldn't live with it. He wasn't going to, even if he could. I loved Carl and, now, I can't live with his loss, either. I have to leave, so that I can pretend that he's back there at Alexandria and living like a normal kid again. I'm going to pretend that he's okay and he's playing with Judith somewhere. I'm going to keep pretending that he's alive and well.

I want to stay till the end, to see Negan fall once and for all. Maybe I will, but it'll be a while before I come back, if I do that at all. I love you all and this is why I can't stay, so that I can watch you all die, too.

I haven't really been able to sleep since Abraham and Glenn. They were my friends, too.

Rick, if you get to read this, I want to tell you something: You are a great leader to these lost people of Alexandria and to the rest of the world, too. It wasn't YOUR fault for what happened to Carl. I looked up to you as my leader and inspiration to keep going. You and Daryl are going to make it until the very end. I can already tell. I hope that Michonne, Maggie, and Judy (and everyone else) make it till the end with you guys, too.

I hope that Maggie has a beautiful baby that reminds her of Glenn. I hope that she sings to him before bed every night and tells him all about his awesome dad, who fought through thick and thin for everyone. I hope that he can imagine the hero that he was. I have a feeling that it's going to be a boy.

Then, there's Tara... She is my best friend as much as anyone else is. She deserves the world. She really does. She kept me going, even after Glenn was gone - as Daryl did. Please look out for her for me. Tell her that I love her so much.

Morgan became my friend rather quickly, too. It was always like we were two old souls that found common ground and it just WORKED with us. We are both very broken and weak, even if we put this guard and front up. It's only to protect us from caring too much and losing sight of what's truly right around us.

I hope that Judith remembers her fallen hero - her big brother, Carl. I hope that she remembers his big, brown eyes and his long and beautiful hair. I hope that she remembers his small freckles and the love that he had for her. He loved her more than anyone else on this Earth.

I'm going to miss that kid more than I ever thought that I would. I'm going to miss him forever and ever - until I see him again one day. You know what he told him before he died? "I'll wait for you on the other side." This is exactly what he said. The little brother that I've always wanted, but never got.

I had Paul, though, and that was enough. He saved my life in the beginning, like a good twin brother would. He's always kept me alive and that's why I can't and won't face him. I won't say goodbye to him. He'll know something is up and, then, he'll try to stop me.

I'm not going back to the ruins of Alexandria. I'm not going to hide away within the Kingdom, either. I'm going somewhere, where no one will find me.

Don't come after me... Please.

As for Dwight, he's a really good guy. I know that you can't see that right now, but you eventually will. You'll see the good in him. He's just buried underneath a lot of broken pieces. He's lost people, too. Unlike most of us, he didn't turn his loss into good and help others. He turned his loss into evil and sided with the enemy. He's saved me a couple of times before and I hope that he makes it, too.

I love you all and I will remember you guys for the rest of my life, even if I don't survive without walls constantly surrounding me. I can't believe that I'm going to be out on my own for the first time... But, wish me luck on the outside.

I'll see you all on the other side...

All Yours, Tess

-

• GRAPHIC SCENES AHEAD, SO PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION •

ALTHOUGH I wrote in my letter that I wasn't going to return to Alexandria, I did. I came back to look at the destruction and to say goodbye to Carl, once and for all.

However, I couldn't find where they buried him in all this darkness, so I headed to mine and Daryl's shared home first. I traveled up to my room and seen that the window was broken and half the wall was gone, but everything was still here, though.

I gathered my backpack and started to pack some stuff in there. Such as, extra clothes, ammo, and other personal items. Then, I saw something hanging out of the side of it and it was my Walkie-Talkie. Dwight had the other one.

I picked it up and turned it on, hearing the static from it. I gritted my teeth and turned it back off, and debated on throwing it at the wall. Then, I reconsidered and turned it back on. I pressed down on the button and said into it, "D... Are you there?"

I didn't actually expect him to say anything back, so I just sat the Walkie next to me and continued to fill my backpack, until I heard on it, "Yeah, it's me."

I held my breath and gulped before running back to my bed, grabbing it in my hand and pressing the button down. "Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he claimed and took a sigh of relief. "What about you?"

"I-I'm alright, I guess," I replied, even if it wasn't the full truth. "What are you doing right now?"

"Everyone else is asleep, but I can't seem to," he paused and the static came back, but only for a second. "I'm just sitting here. What about you?"

"I...," I tried to confess the whole truth, but couldn't. I just shook my head and somewhat lied, "I'm back at Alexandria. I couldn't stay at the Hilltop any longer. I wanted to come back and gather some of my things. See Carl's grave."

"Wow," he said, seemingly surprised. "It's not still on fire?"

I sighed and responded, "No, actually. It's burnt out and I can tell that Walkers have been in here, too, but I only had to kill a few when I came in." I paused and thought about it before gulping. "I need to see you. Tonight. Is that possible?"

I was skeptical now and I had the feeling that rejection was coming my way. However, the static came to an end when he said, "I'll be there soon."

-

I towered over Carl's grave. I finally found it. For whatever reason, I didn't cry when I saw his grave, which confirmed his death. I was finally numb, so used to the loss of those around me.

I was about to sit back down until I heard something, so I grabbed my flashlight and pointed it over in the direction where I heard the noise from. I immediately recognized Dwight, who finally showed up.

I took off towards him and crashed right into his arms, as I wrapped mine around his body and he wrapped his around me. I breathed in his familiar scent and squeezed even harder because of that. He had changed into new clothing, as so did I after I got off of the Walkie with him.

"I am so glad that you're here," I breathed out with my eyes closed against his chest with his burning heart. "How did you sneak out?"

"I managed," he confessed and that's when we separated. He brought his right hand up to my chin and rubbed it with his thumb. "Hey, you alright? You didn't sound good on the Walkie."

"Just not feeling right," I reminded him. "I'm not gonna be for a while."

"I know," he whispered. "I wanted to stay with y'all today, but... They were on our ass. I had to lead them away, so that y'all could get to the Hilltop safely."

I slowly nodded and mumbled out, "Yeah, I know..."

"Hey, look," he breathed out and took ahold of my left hand with his right, intertwining our fingers together. "Let's go sit down. I'm tired from walking all the way over here."

I pulled my eyebrows in together and, while he led me over to my porch's stairs, asked, "You walked here?"

"What? Hell no," he dryly chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm talking about where I parked at and walked over here. From everything that happened last night to today, I'm tired as hell."

He wasn't wrong because I was, too. I felt like I haven't slept since this whole thing started and, realistically, it is just like that. Though, just the other night, I slept like a newborn baby... Until Negan showed up and Carl passed away.

We held hands until we went and sat down on the stairs that connect to mine and Daryl's shared house. It was dark, except for the moonlight being provided. Even then, it was still dark as hell.

As we sat down, the wind hit me - which immediately made me bring my hands over my very exposed arms. "It's chilly."

"Yeah, just a little," Dwight somewhat agreed, looking around. "Where's your jacket?"

"I don't have one," I claimed, glancing up at my half-destroyed house. "All my shit is inside."

"Got a blanket or something?" Dwight asked this and I nodded, before he took out his flashlight and dashed inside. He came back out a few seconds later with the small blanket Daryl and I always kept on the couch. He lightly placed it over my back and shoulders. "Better?"

"Definitely," I smiled and glanced to his left shoulder. "How's the injury?"

"Better," he replied and, this time, I believed him. "Yeah, uh... Carson fixed me when I got back."

"That's good," I smirked and kept my eyes on it before I returned my glare on his face. "It'll be better in no time, then."

He slowly nodded his head and sighed out, "Yeah... But, what's going on with you? Why did you return here? You gonna go back?"

He had a hundred and fifty questions to ask, but I couldn't give him straight answers - even if it seen the gaps in my story. I just shrugged and claimed, "Y-Yeah. I just wanted to come here and get some things, that's all. I told you that already, though."

She stared at me through the corner of his eye and said, "Yeah, I know."

"You don't believe me?" I questioned, feeling that he was seeing right through me.

He shook his head before turning to look over at me once again. "I... I do, honey," he tried saying, but I was starting to look through him, too. "It's just... I know you're not okay, after Carl."

"I know," I agreed with my eyes wide opened. "I never will be, either. This is sort of why I called you here for. I wanted somebody, outside of my group, to talk me through this. I guess you could say..."

"I understand," he shrugged and sat further back. "They're all probably sitting there and telling you the same things that you've already heard. You were hoping that I would come along and tell you different."

"Exactly."

"Well, I'm sorry to break it you," he began say with a gulp, "but I'm probably gonna keep telling you that you'll be okay. Eventually."

Although he was probably right, just like Carl was in his letter to me, I still didn't want to accept it. "Maybe," I whispered before looking up into his eyes through the darkness. "He wrote me a letter, y'know."

"What?"

"Carl did," I answered with a steady nod. "I'm not gonna let you read it, but... In the letter, he told me that I would find my will to keep moving on again some day."

Dwight slowly nodded before he turned his body around to face me. "I have to agree with the kid. I think that you will. One day."

"How?"

"When there's a will, there's a way," he whispered and grabbed my left hand and gave it a tiny squeeze. "Carl probably realized that you're more stronger than you like to let on. I think you are, too. You've already been through so much and, yeah, you're gonna go through more. It's always the calm before a storm, isn't it?"

I leaned my head from side to side, and just agreed, "Yeah, I suppose so."

"There you go," he added, like he was right all along. "You're still so beautifully broken..."

"You think that I'm beautiful?" I almost laughed out, bitterly. "Even when I have been an emotional mess for the past two days?"

He smirked and brought his right hand to caress my cheek, as I melted right into it. "Of course," he expressed, as he kept his eyes on me. "I've always thought that you were beautiful, even before you thought anything of me. This is why I didn't rat you out to the other Saviors when you were at the bar that day. I took your other Walkie-Talkie, so we could talk without anyone else knowing. I wanted to get to know you, and by the looks of it, I did."

This sudden confession sent me into a daze, one that I always sort of knew about, and I suddenly couldn't control myself. I wanted him. I wanted every single part of him. I wanted him to swim through all my broken pieces and glue me back together, like an old porcelain doll.

I wanted this man that held so many scars across his face to save me once again, to make me forget that I'm alive for a few minutes - or how ever long that it takes - and just remind me that I don't have to worry anymore. I can just dance around in the darkness to my own music.

My heart sank, like I was almost guilty to think of this and what I wanted deep down. Although we had already done this so many times before, I still felt guilty to see him a different light than everyone else. No matter how damaging his past was or mine, or what we've both done to survive to make it here now, I wanted to undress him while he undressed me until the burning sun rises tomorrow and we wake up in each other's arms.

I wanted him more than I did my next breath.

I slowly leaned towards him and, before he could realize what I was doing, I had closed my eyes and pressed my lips to his. It was one very simple kiss and, so, I leaned back when it was done. However, it seemed that we both pulled away wanting... No, needing more.

This time, he leaned in before I could and put lips connected once again, as it started to become deeper and more intense. I felt his hands slide to my hips, squeezing them to keep me close.

I just want to forget about everything for a while...

I leaned forward, my knees now on the stair, as I was practically in his lap, but without meaning to. I just wanted some leverage, after all.

"Hold on," he whispered through the kiss. "Let's head inside. Come on."

With his instructions issued, he took the lead when he took my hand with his and led me inside, where we met again on the couch. I couldn't see barley a thing, but Dwight acted like he had X-Ray vision or something when he officially took over.

He pressed against the arm of the couch at first, obviously becoming impatient, and he forcefully lies several kisses up and down my neck and pressed his hands over my breast, that were currently being secured by my bra.

He began to lift my shirt over the top of my head, not forgetting where his lips were last at along my neck, and I helped in ripping the rest of my shirt of. He quickly snatched his flannel off, along with his tank-top underneath, and my hands traveled to his back, where I scratched it with what was left of my fingernails. He seemed to like it when he smiled through our kiss.

Clothes began to be flung everywhere after that and, just when I thought we were about to really do it, he separated our intense kiss and took some deep breaths while still having his mouth so close to mine. He was breathing heavily, with his eyes closed, when he confessed: "You have no idea how much I have wanted this for."

I wanted to agree with him, expressing just how long that I've been picturing this in my mind for, but I wanted my body to do all the talking for me. It easily would for him.

Instead, I just went off of what he was saying and practically demanded: "Make love to me like never before."

It sounded like he had hissed under his breath until I realized that he was smirking when he added, "Tell you what I'm 'bout to do, Tess... I'm gonna make love to you so deep, you will feel me under your skin and that feeling will never, ever go away for as long as you live."

With that said, he went from kissing my lips down to my chest and all the way down from there. I felt almost insecure around him, in this exact moment, because I haven't ever been naked in front of someone in a long time. What if my body aged and I was ugly underneath the clothing? However, he didn't seem to mind what I looked like, as long as he was with me.

Dwight and I weren't just having sex. We were making love as two old souls would in the old days, before the world turned to shit and everyone desired anything that moved. He wanted me to work for this, as I sort of wanted him to do the same, too.

The insatiable feeling that I got when I felt his fingers run along my thighs and abdomen, how it felt like he was teasing me. I loved the feeling of lost desire and the needing of one another, like our next breath depended on us.

Yet, we were already out of breath and he hadn't even done the deed yet. I didn't really know why we were out of breath and I didn't care, as long as we were here with one another.

"I'm about to," he said, running his hand over my hair. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," I replied with gritted teeth. "Please."

He did what he told me that he was going to do, hitting me right where it hurt after so long of not being touched there. It only took him a moment before he sped up and I shifted my hips to make it easier for him.

With each stroke, my head flew back, like I was being possessed by a demon over and over again. He must of noticed and, so, he said: "If I'm hurting you-"

"Keep going," I barked out, with my head back and my eyes closed. I was almost gritting my teeth again and attempting to chew my bottom lip till it's bleeding. "It's okay."

I knew that he wasn't going to keep going, unless I confirmed that it was okay and that I was okay, too. And, so, he leaned down his upper-body and pressed his lips to mine once again. I felt every emotion, memory, and action through that one single kiss.

Then, the deed was done and he rolled off of me, falling flat to the ground than resting on the small couch with me. I wanted to laugh at the fact that he fell, but I just laid out there on the couch by myself, splayed out, and staring at the ceiling. Unmoving.

We didn't have to say that we loved each other throughout the whole time that we have known each other. We didn't have to say it any time after this or earlier today before he departed from me. I could tell, from us making love just now, that we did love each other in some way or another.

Yeah, maybe Dwight still loved Sherry, his lost wife that was taken from him by a man that claimed to his friend before she decided to run away when Daryl and I did. However, in this very moment - tonight, Dwight expressed his love for me in another way that I couldn't imagine that he would ever do until he did.

We ended the night on a high-note, as he allowed for my body to dance blindly in the dark which surrounded us.