Chapter Quote:
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
~Norman Cousins
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Chapter 18: Vinculum

Grey

"So you haven't told her?" Christian queried. "That you're going back to the frontlines?"

"I mean he has some healing to do before he can," Frank pointed out, staring pointedly at my leg that was still, unfortunately, in its cast.

I was sitting outside on the porch. It was late at night, close to three in the morning, and I hadn't been able to sleep after I had the nightmare about Chris's death. To this day it was the one that bothered me the most. Part of me was so grateful that I had survived because it gave me a chance to progress things in my life that I'd never been given the chance to before, such as having a girlfriend, and one that I could see myself marrying.

The other part of me felt indescribably guilty. Why had I been the only one of my group to survive? Why had God graced me with the opportunity to survive and not my brothers? What made me so damn special?

"You're going there again," Daryl observed. "Stop going to that place."

"Sorry, sir," I said.

"I can't hear you."

"Yes you can. And if I speak any louder, I'm going to wake up someone in the house, and then I'm going to have to explain why I'm talking to myself," I retorted. "That won't work out well for me."

"Right, right, because we're not real," Mitchell said, waving his hand through the porch beam with an annoyed frown on his face. "This feels weird."

"Then stop doing it," Michael said.

"Can you please let Grey answer my damn question? Christian griped.

"What was your question again?" Tyler asked.

"I'm going to kill you guys. Again."

"No, I haven't told her. I'm going to, but I don't know when. I just can't seem to find the right time," I replied before my brother could attempt to carry out his threat.

"You need to tell her now so she can prepare herself for when you leave," Tyler insisted.

"I'd wait. She just got him back. I don't see the point in making her worry until he gets his orders," Micah chimed in.

"Mitchell, you're the ladies' man in the group, what would you do?"

"I always had one night stands, and would tell them I was deploying the next day. Never got caught doing that if it was a lie. One night stands are easier. You don't have to deal with stuff like this," Mitchell said with a shrug.

"The ladies' man couldn't deal with breaking a girl's heart, could he?" Michael teased.

"Hey, breaking a girl's heart can scar them for a very long time, and I only want good things said about me."

"Tell her you plan on deploying again, but that you're not going to try and rush the orders," Chris suggested. "I have a feeling she suspects it anyway. She knows something is up with you."

"I know... I grumbled.

"Trust me, I get why you don't want to do it. Seeing my sister sad is one of the worst things on this planet because she's almost never sad."

"You're not helping."

"I know, but I'm just letting you know I understand what you're going through."

"Thanks..."

"It'll be fine. I mean who can stay sad long when she has a handsome face like Grey's to look at?" Frank mused. Christian was about to make a comment, probably a sarcastic one based on his expression, when the front door creaked open. To my surprise it was James. He seemed just as shocked to see me.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked.

"Couldn't sleep. You?" I responded.

"Couldn't sleep." James leaned against the porch railing, right on top of a very affronted-looking Frank. I tried to hide my amusement. That would be too difficult to explain right now.

"What's keeping you up?" James queried. My brothers in arms all dissipated into thin air, except for Chris who watched his brother with sad eyes.

"Nightmares. You?"

"Same as you. Also it's always hard for me to adjust sleeping at home. I'm not used to sleeping on such a soft bed. I'm sure you're not used to it either."

"No, I'm not used to it. But I'm adjusting quickly. Abigail's been helping me a lot with that."

"My sister is one of the best in the field, so I'd be worried if she wasn't helping you. I'm glad you're letting her. It would be hard for me to let my sister in on something like that. I'd feel like I was burdening her, even though I know she'd want to know."

"Is there something bothering you that she doesn't know about? Or your mom or Hannah Lee?"

"One of my friends died yesterday in an air strike. His plane got hit with anti-aircraft fire, and he couldn't bail out in time. We went to the academy together. I haven't seen him in ages, but we stayed in touch. I'm going to try and fly out to make his funeral."

"I'm really sorry," I said. "I know what you're going through."

"You know it all too well... listen, I want to ask you something. They never let our family see the body, which makes me wonder just how Chris died, and you don't have to answer this, but... but was it quick? Was my brother's death quick?"

I contemplated on answering him for a few moments, the memory of Chris's death once more playing over in my head repeatedly. Finally, I said, "Yes, it was quick. I don't think he felt anything when it happened. I can't tell you how it happened, but I know it was quick."

"Thank you. I just needed to know that... Is Abigail feeling better? I checked on her earlier, but she was asleep."

"She still can't breathe through her nose, but she's slowly getting better. She took some nighttime cold medication, so hopefully that helps. I know she's going stir-crazy."

"I'm sure she got sick because she wears herself down. She rarely takes breaks. Even on the weekends she's out taking care of the horses, running errands, taking care of everyone around her. Hannah Lee is the same way, but now that she's carrying my little nephew, even she's having to take a break and is needing Abigail's help. Mom was never the same after dad, and after we all left, she kind of had to take on the role as the matriarch of the house for a bit, even more so than mom. Then Hannah Lee came and things got better, but still. I worry she puts herself in too many stressful positions. I'm worried about what it's going to do to her one day."

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to hide the worry in my voice. I'd started to think that I should tell Abigail about my hallucinations, but with what James was saying, I was beginning to think otherwise.

"She's always tired. I can see it in her eyes. I'm just worried she's going to fall asleep at the wheel one day and get herself killed. I've already lost one sibling. I don't think I could go through losing another one again. I can't lose any more family members right now. And I hope you know that you and Jax are included in that."

"Thank you. I appreciate that, and I know Jax would too. Your family is family to me, too. It's the closest thing I've had to one since I lost my own."

"What happened to your family?"

"I was an only child. My dad left when I was a baby, and my mom died from an aneurysm about six years ago now. Jax and I always had different deployment times so it's only been recently that we've become as close as we are."

"Well welcome to our family. You're not allowed to leave now," James said with a grin.

"Don't say anything you might regret," I joked.

"All right man, I think this is enough deep conversation for one night. I'm going to bed. You should too."

"I will. I'm going to sit out here just a little longer," I said, my eyes drifting over to Chris who had been listening intently to our conversation, his blue eyes staring at his little brother pensively.

"Then I'll see you tomorrow morning." James entered the house, leaving me by myself. Chris and I both waited until we were sure the youngest Kennedy was back in his room before talking again.

"He's not handling this well," Chris remarked.

"Not at all," I agreed.

"I know what he said about Abigail, but I know my sister. Helping us helps her. Would you talk to her? Tell her to talk to James? If she prods enough, he'll open up to her. He always has. We always have. You probably will too at some point."

"Oh. Great."

"Get to sleep, brother. I'll see you soon."
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Sorry it took so long to post SACarter!