Warning: This chapter deals with suicide and graphic violence. Please be aware when reading it!

Chapter Quote:
"You were unsure which pain is worse- the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will."
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Chapter 8: Revoco

Nathan

Leaving Hannah Lee, Abigail, mom, and my brothers had been much harder this time round in comparison to all the other times I'd done it. But that was because of the circumstances of the trip. Even leaving Grey, a man I barely knew, had been hard. However, after hearing his speech at the funeral and seeing him break down like that, the difficulty leaving him was out of concern for his wellbeing. What he said had reminded me all too much of what had happened to my dad...

I closed my eyes on the flight back to Afghanistan, slipping into a much needed sleep.
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I was greeted by my little sister tackling me in a hug. I barely had time to steady myself so I didn't fall over. She'd been away at Rice University which wasn't far away, but considering Chris had just gotten back from his first deployment, and since I'd just graduated from the naval academy and was about to go into training to become a SEAL, I rationalized my sister's excitement.

"I missed you so much!" she exclaimed, placing her feet back down on the ground.

"I saw you a couple weeks ago at my graduation," I pointed out in amusement. I peered at the truck behind her, raising my eyebrows at all the stuff. "Did you bring back your whole dorm with you?"

"Well I couldn't keep it in there since I'm not living there next year. Hannah Lee and I found a nice, two-person apartment so until we move in there, my stuff stays here. When do you leave for training?"

"Not for another few weeks." I was about to say something else when we heard the sound of galloping coming from the fields. Abigail was already running off to see Chris who had just gotten home from Iraq a few days ago. Dad was riding with him. I'd chosen to stay at the house to greet Abigail when she got back in case the two of them hadn't returned in time. Mom had to hurry and run some errands, which James and Liam had tagged along for.

Dad slid off his horse so he could envelop my sister in a hug. "How's my little princess?"

"I'm great now that I'm home. How are you?" she replied.

"I'm good."

"What? No hug for me?" Chris demanded impatiently.

"Sorry, dad got to me first!" Abigail protested. She wrapped her arms around him, squeezing the living daylights out of him. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, little sis." Chris kissed her on the top of the head. My brothers and I had always been protective of Abigail. She was our little sister, the only girl on our dad's side of the family to be born in almost a hundred years. Mom's family was much the same. She had been an anomaly too, being the only girl born in the last fifty years. All the other women had married into the family. But on top of that, our baby sister was a good person with a kind heart. While we all knew very well that she could handle herself (growing up with four older brothers, she learned how to very quickly), we were still her first line of defense. I would kill anyone who hurt my sister without hesitation. I genuinely worried about her safety whenever she wasn't around. Abigail was beautiful like our mother, and her personality, her aura, drew people to her, both the good and the bad. If I worried about her when she was at college, I wondered how bad my worry would be when I was deployed.

"Do you want to help me get my stuff to my room?" she inquired hopefully.

"You're lucky I love you," I said, ruffling her hair because I knew she hated it. Abigail smacked my hand away. For such a tiny girl in comparison to me, she could hit and kick really hard. I'm pretty sure I had more bruises from my sister than I did from my brothers. Combined.

Then again, we did like to mess with her. We loved her, but that didn't mean we wouldn't take advantage of a good prank opportunity. Dad offered to take care of the horses, so Chris and I helped Abigail move her stuff up to her room. Thankfully she'd put most of the stuff into plastic bins or boxes so there wasn't much 'loose' stuff in her car that needed carrying. It still took us about fifteen minutes, although part of that was me and Chris giving her shit for how much stuff she had. In all honestly it wasn't that much, we just liked to see her riled up.

Right as we finished doing that, mom arrived with James and Liam. My younger brothers rushed out of the car to see her. Mom was beaming, her smile as bright as the sun. She and Abigail were close, Skyping almost every day with each other. Our sister Skyped us whenever she could, but most of that revolved around our schedule because we didn't always have time every day to do so.

"We're having enchiladas tonight to celebrate Abigail being back home. Hannah Lee and Grandma Edna are coming over for dinner as well once Hannah Lee gets settled back in."

I felt my heart jump a little at the thought of seeing my little sister's best friend. I'd had the biggest crush on her for years, but she was way out of my league. I was the rebel in our high school, having more detention slips than I care to admit; she was the straight-A student who was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. I wanted to marry her, but she would never go for a guy like me.

My family went into the house where we all fell into our normal routine. Mom and dad cooked dinner, Abigail, my brothers and I sat on the couch playing Uno. Abigail was ridiculously good at it and her poker face was even better. About halfway through our third game, Hannah Lee arrived. She sat between me and Abigail, joining in on the game. Grandma Edna helped mom and dad in the kitchen. Dinner was fun and exciting. It was mainly Abigail and Hannah Lee who drove the conversation but for the most part, we all talked. Mom chatted with Grandma Edna, and dad just watched us silently with a small smile on his face.

Hannah Lee and Grandma Edna left around ten at night. We were all quick to bed afterwards. Even Abigail, the night owl of the family, fell asleep before midnight.

I usually fell asleep pretty quickly, mostly because I was usually pretty busy during the day, making me exhausted by the end of it. That was true for today as well, but for some reason, I tossed and I turned in my sleep, never quite able to fall into a deep slumber. At one point, someone opened my door. I sleepily opened my eyes a fraction to see who it was, only to find the silhouette of my dad. He hadn't come in to check on us in the middle of the night for years, so it was odd, but he didn't sleep well anymore, and I figured he was just checking to make sure we were all okay. I closed my eyes, vaguely listening to the sounds around the house. I heard the front door open, and I assumed my dad was going out to see the horses. It was a family thing, especially with him, Abigail, and James. Whenever they were stressed or couldn't sleep, they'd go hang out with the horses. After that, all I remembered was that I maintained my fitful sleep the rest of the night.

I woke up early the next morning before my alarm went off. Knowing I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep, I went downstairs to make myself some coffee. The first thing I noticed was the absence of dad's shoes next to the front door. It meant he hadn't come back in since last night. That raised a red flag to me. I set my coffee down on the counter and threw on my shoes, intending to go find my dad. Surely he hadn't stayed out there all night?

I went out to the barn but none of the horses had been fed or taken care of. Mom or Chris would be waking up soon to go take care of them so I left the barn. I checked the garage to see if any of the cars were gone, but they were still all there. A cold feeing was settling into my bones as I started to panic. Where was my dad? Where was he? Was he okay? Was he injured?

I took a deep breath and made my way to the woods. I told myself he'd gone for a walk. He'd come back in without anyone hearing, hadn't been able to fall asleep or had woken up early, and had gone for a walk. People just didn't vanish into thin air.

"Dad?" I called out when I reached the beginning of the tree line. I followed the creek, the path we normally took when on horseback. I walked for at least thirty minutes, if not more, and I didn't see anything. I told myself to head back home and ask mom, because surely she knew where he was. But a little, yet powerful, voice insisted I continue.

So I did.

Part of me wishes I hadn't. The other part is glad that it wasn't anyone else because I wouldn't wish anyone to see what I did.

It was the glint of metal that had caught my attention. It was subtle and easily missed by the untrained eye, but I saw it. The first thing I saw was the gun. The second thing I saw was the pool of blood that had formed on the flat rock beneath it. My eyes traveled up the trail of blood to a body. Blue eyes, the same ones that James, Liam, and Chris possessed, the same ones that had always sparkled with pride whenever he looked at us, now stared blankly at me.

I heard myself shout out 'dad', but it was as if someone else was doing it for me, someone far away and distant. I don't remember running up to him, or kneeling down next to him, or repeatedly shouting his name. I don't remember the tears that started pouring down my cheeks, I don't remember screaming for someone to help, I don't remember when Chris joined me until he grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look at him. His blue eyes were filled to the brim with tears as he asked, "Nathan, hey, I'm here. What happened?"

"I-I f-found... he-" I couldn't form any coherent sentences because my mind couldn't process what was happening. Chris gripped one of my hands in his as he pulled out his cellphone. Maybe it was by the grace of God he had service out here because he was able to dial 9-1-1. I don't know what I would've done because I didn't want to leave my dad's body out unguarded, but I didn't want to stay with him by myself.

Chris pulled me into a hug, and I felt his body shaking but I couldn't hear him crying. Then again, I couldn't hear much over the ringing in my ears. My brother suddenly pulled away, picking a white envelope up from the ground. It was addressed to 'My Beautiful Family'.

Chris opened it and I peered over his shoulder to read it. Our father apologized for doing what he did. He apologized for not being stronger. He explained that what he went through a few months ago, before he returned home, had been so horrific that he couldn't stop seeing the images of his fallen comrades. I knew he was talking about a drug bust that had gone wrong. He had been the sole survivor of his team. He explained how he shouldn't be here; how he been staring down the barrel of a gun when his teammate jumped in front of him right as it fired, taking the bullet in the head right before his eyes. The carnage of it all was too much for him to handle. He kept seeing his fallen brothers everywhere he went at all times of the day. And it was only made worse when he slept as he constantly relived that night. He couldn't sleep and he could stay awake without seeing them. He didn't want to burden our mother with this information when she was already working so hard to make sure we all had food on our table, money for bills, and money to help put Abigail through school. He didn't want to burden his sons, his little princes, who were going to be so successful in their career paths. He didn't want to burden his only daughter, his little princess, when she was supposed to be enjoying the best years of her life at college. But he didn't want to go see a stranger. He didn't know if he was going crazy or was suffering from survivor's guilt, but that he truly believed he was too far gone for help.

He proceeded to write a section for each of us, finishing with: 'I love you with all my heart, and I will see you all in Heaven one day. But please don't make it too soon. Take care of each other, and I am so sorry I couldn't be stronger. You are all my pride and joy, and know I'll be looking down on each and every one of you every single day.'

Without thinking, I stammered out, "It'll kill mom to know dad was suffering when she didn't know."

Chris remained silent for a moment before saying, "Then we don't tell her. We don't tell any of them."

I nodded in agreement. Chris shoved the letter in his pocket, saying he'd hide it where no one but us could ever find it. Then the two of us remained next to our dad's fallen body. It made me sick to look at, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. I kept expecting him to wake up, to say he needed to get to a hospital. I kept playing every godforsaken scenario in my head, no matter how far-fetched, to convince myself he was anything but dead.

Mom was the first to arrive on the scene with police and some paramedics behind her. She looked entirely panicked, and when she saw the scene before, I heard a sound erupt from her throat I never wanted to hear again. She sank to the ground next to dad, her hands hovering over his head as if she wanted to cradle him in her arms but unable to bring herself to do so.

"Mom, I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I repeated. "I should've stopped him. I heard him leave last night and I didn't stop him. I should've known."

"Honey, honey, it's okay," she said, cupping my face. Her voice kept cracking but she continued. "This isn't your fault. You didn't know. You couldn't have known. This is not your fault."

"Daddy!" Abigail screamed. We all faced her to find her burying her face into a shell-shocked Liam's chest. Sobs racked her entire body. James stood ashen-faced next to them, mouth agape. I found out later that mom had told them to stay in the house, fearing the worst of why the cops had shown up. My siblings hadn't listened, and had slipped out of the house unseen to follow her.

Mom slowly got up, gently encouraging me and Chris to follow. We walked over to Liam, James, and Abigail, where we enveloped each other in one massive group hug. I don't know how long it lasted, but suddenly we were all being escorted to the house by cops, with the exception of our mom who stayed behind. Chris and I had to give statements before we went back into the house. Abigail was curled in a ball, flanked by James and Liam. Her tears had stopped, replaced by the shock of it all.

That day had been the longest day of my life. When I went to my room, I couldn't fall asleep. I kept staring up at my ceiling, the events of the day slowly sinking in. I hadn't cried since Chris found me. It was if I didn't have any more tears to shed.

Someone knocked on my door before poking their head in. It was Abigail. I sat up immediately, asking if she was okay. She sidled in, shut the door, and came to sit next to me, nervously wringing her hands.

"I overheard you telling the cops you found the body. I wanted to make sure you were okay," she whispered. I didn't respond, I just simply pulled her into a hug, kissing her on the top of her head. I stared up at my ceiling again so I could blink back the tears I thought hadn't existed. I didn't want my baby sister to see me cry. She and dad had always been close, closer than he and I had been, so I knew she was taking this extremely hard. I was glad she hadn't found the body. I shuddered to think of what state she'd be in if she had.

"Mom, Chris, James, and Liam are downstairs. They couldn't sleep. Do you want to join them?" she inquired softly, pulling away.

"Yeah, let's go." I held out my hand and she took it. We went downstairs hand in hand to join our family. We were all dealing with our grief in our own ways. But while we were upset, we talked about all the good times with dad because it helped. The tears at the table weren't completely those of sadness, but of happy reminiscence as well. It would take time, but we would get through this.
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I woke up with a start, startling the person next to me. I mumbled a 'sorry' to them as I sank back down in my seat. That letter Chris had hidden had still been in the same spot: under a false bottom he'd put in his nightstand drawer. I'd made sure to switch it into mine before I'd left for the airport, putting it far underneath my mattress so no one would find it. I didn't expect mom to sell his stuff immediately, but I knew she would start one day, slowly but surely.

Over the course of the last seven years, I'd developed an anger towards my dad. I understood why he was so upset, but I wish he had gotten help. Mom was the best in her field in Texas. Besides, that's what family is for. To help you through the bad times, no matter how rough or dark those times are. He had left Chris in a position that he shouldn't have been in so young. He had left mom to continue raising five kids by herself. He had left Abigail with no dad to see her graduate, and no dad to walk her down the aisle when she got married. And he had promised to watch over us from Heaven, but he had failed. Chris was dead, too.

I never told anyone about this anger. I didn't think anyone would understand. Even I thought it was foolish of me to think it. But I couldn't help it. Not after seeing the havoc it wreaked on my family. But I knew I needed to tell mom about the letter. Not only had dad written those sections about each of us, but she needed to know why he did it.

I vowed to myself to tell her the next time I was home. Closing my eyes, I made a silent prayer to Chris and dad, saying: Please let me get home so I can tell mom the truth. Please let me get back home in one piece to my family. They can't lose anyone else.