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Chapter Quote:
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."
~ Edna St. Vincent Millay
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Chapter 5: Memento

Hannah Lee

Abigail passed out before she even got in the house. Thank god Jax had been there to catch her because I wouldn't have been able to carry her inside, nor would I have been willing to leave her outside to get help. I led him up the stairs to her room where he gingerly placed her on her bed.

"Will she be okay?" Jax queried.

"She'll be fine, she's just in shock," I said quietly, covering her up with the covers. There were tear stains on her face from crying, and despite her waterproof makeup, even it hadn't been immune to her tears. "I should go down and help mom. She... she's going to need support."

"Can I do anything for you?"

"No, no, you've done enough. Thank you so much for your help. I don't know what I would've done had you not been there to catch her."

"She's helped me more than she knows. I'm happy to return the help... would you mind if I stuck around for a bit? My cousin, Grey, he was killed as well. Since he doesn't have parents or any siblings, I'm his next of kin."

"Oh god, you're Grey's family?" I didn't think this situation could get any worse, but to find out that not only had we lost two people very dear to us, but so had one of our clients? It was horrendous. I could see the pain in Jax's eyes as he waited for my response. I could see him fearing that I would say no, but he was just as much in need of hearing what the two Marines had to say as I and Mrs. Kennedy did, so I told him he was welcome to stay.

"Thank you. I'll stay quiet and let you and Mrs. Kennedy get everything figured out with Chris. I'll only ask my questions when you two are done and I'm happy to stay outside so you two have some privacy or stay up here with Abigail to make sure she's okay when she wakes up."

"Please stay with Abigail. She'll be freaked out when she wakes up."

"Will do." Jax took a seat on the plush chair in the corner and pulled out his phone. I assumed he was making some calls to the people who knew Grey. Luke, who had followed us upstairs, jumped on the bed and curled up at the food of the bed, protectively keeping watch over her. Meanwhile, I went back downstairs to go see Diana. I wasn't sure how I was holding it together, but maybe it was because I knew that Abigail and Diana were going to be taking this really hard. I wanted to be strong for them.

I found Diana talking with the two Marines in the living room. She was sitting on the couch with her hands clasped tightly in front of her. Unfortunately, this wasn't the first family death that she had had to deal with before. I still didn't know the full story with what had happened with her husband, even Nathan didn't like talking about it, but I think for him it was more of anger whereas with Chris he had a duty to take care of his family. For Liam, he was just shy in general and didn't talk much about things that bothered him. James always tried to stay upbeat for his family, and Abigail and Diana couldn't talk about it. In fact Diana could barely talk about her husband in general. I never felt comfortable asking any of them because I knew the Kennedys well enough to know that if they didn't volunteer the information freely, it meant they didn't want to talk about it.

I took a seat next to her and rested my hand on top of hers. She freed one of them so she could lace her fingers through mine. I listened in a daze to the processes that were going to be happening, from getting Chris's body stateside to the funeral. I wasn't actually processing anything being said until Lawson said the words 'purple heart'. I glanced up in surprise.

"Chris died trying to save both civilians and his comrades and because of his actions, he, along with Grey Stone, are being awarded the Purple Heart posthumously. I was informed by Mr. Hawthorne that he is the next of kin to Mr. Stone. Is he still here?"

"He's upstairs keeping an eye on Abigail," I said.

"Is she okay?" Diana demanded softly, her head finally lifting so she could look me in the eye. They were full of unshed tears that I knew would be falling tonight when she was in the privacy of her bedroom, away from me and Abigail, so we wouldn't see her break. Like I wanted to be strong for them, she wanted to be strong for us.

"She fainted before we got in the house. Jax carried her to her room," I answered. "She's in shock."

"I'll go grab Jax and check on Abigail. Hannah Lee, when I come back down, I hate to put this on you, but would you mind trying to reach out to Nathan? I'll call James and Liam. I'd ask Abigail to help when she wakes up but she's been hit with a double-whammy and-"

"You don't have to explain it, Diana. I completely understand."

"Call me mom. You're my daughter now, like you've always been." Diana kissed me on the head and disappeared up the stairs. Within a few moment, Jax came down. He started talking to the two Marines. I politely excused myself, making my way to my bedroom where I shut the door and let myself cry. Chris had been the one Nathan went to when he didn't know what to do about his feelings for me, and ironically, Chris had been the one I'd went to. Without his advice, I sometimes wondered if Nathan and I ever would've gotten the guts to try things. Chris had always been so kind to me, he had always put everyone else's happiness before his own, although sometimes I wondered if us being happy made him happy.

But now he was gone, and it just didn't seem real. It didn't seem possible that the oldest Kennedy brother had been killed in action. It didn't seem possible that I would never see his bright blue eyes sparkling in excitement or his massive grin gracing his face whenever he found something funny. I would never laugh at his bickering and fighting with Nathan or his attempt to ride a horse because despite having been around horses his whole life, he'd never been able to truly pick up the skill of riding one.

Pushing myself away from the door, I went to my desk where I opened my laptop and pulled up FaceTime. My finger hesitated over the call button because I didn't know how I was going to break the news to Nathan. He wasn't going to take it well. Instead, I typed a message to him, asking if he was free. His response was almost immediate, saying he was. And before I could even respond, he was calling me.

I answered, trying to compose myself, but it failed terrible because without even saying hi, he asked, "What's wrong? What happened?"

"Are you alone?"

"Not really. Why?"

"Is... is there a place you can? I need to tell you something, and I think it would be better for you if it was private."

"Okay, give me a second." Nathan picked up his phone and I saw him walking around, maneuvering in-between people. Then, suddenly, he entered a new room and the noise surrounding him disappeared. He sat down and said, "Okay, I'm alone. What's happened?"

"Two Marines just showed up at the house..." I tried to bring myself to say 'Chris is dead' but I choked on the words. However Nathan seemed to realize what was going on.

"What happened to Chris?" Nathan whispered. "Was he killed?"

I nodded. "A few hours ago. Almost everyone in his squad died."

"Does that mean that Grey-"

"Yeah. His cousin is actually a patient of Abigail's. He's here talking to the Marines."

"Abigail and mom. How are they?"

"Your mom is keeping it together but Abigail passed out. She's up in her room asleep right now. Mom is with her."

"And how are you doing?"

"It's coming in waves. It just hit me right before I called you. It's worse when I'm alone. I know I can't do much from here but if you need anything-"

"Please just take care of yourself. Take care of mom and Abigail. It'll make this easier knowing that the three of you are okay. I'll see if I can get time to come for the funeral but we have a mission coming up that I don't think I'll be able to get out of."

"Please be safe," I told him, choking up.

"I'm coming home. I promise I'm going to come home."

"Please. It's not just me that you need to come back to."

"I know. Mom and Abigail-"

"It's not just them too."

"What do you mean?"

"I had a doctor's appointment today to see why I've been feeling so ill recently. I was planning on telling your mom and sister about the results when I got home but then the Marines were here and-"

"Hannah Lee, what's going on? Are you okay?" he asked worriedly.

"Honey, I'm pregnant." Nathan's mouth fell open and the tears he'd been keeping at bay finally spilled over. He couldn't stop smiling and although we were both terribly upset about Chris's death and that we had lost someone so close to us, we had also just created a life.

"That's-that's amazing," he said, stammering a bit. "Please, you have to tell mom and Abigail. It'll be nice to have some good news amidst the bad."

"I'll tell them at the right time."

"Tell them soon. I'm so happy. When are you due? Do you know? Is it a boy or girl?"

"May fourth is the expected due date, and it's a boy."

"I don't know if I'll be home, but I hope I am. I'm so happy. I'm gonna be a dad," he chuckled out, still in apparent shock. "I love you so much, honey."

"I love you too. I'll talk to you soon, okay?"

"All right. Take care." We hung up, and I broke down again. For some reason, having admitted that I was pregnant to my husband after having just found out that Chris had died left me with this incredible fear that I might be raising my child all by myself. If Nathan was killed, our child would have no father, and I would be left alone to raise them. I would have Abigail and Diana, but that wasn't the same as having the father around to help out. Nathan would never see our child take their first steps, speak their first word, go to their first day of school, graduate from high school, from college, get married, have kids... it was an overwhelming sense of fear that I tried so hard to reign in, to not let my anxiety to exacerbate the severity of my thoughts, but it wasn't working. I broke down once more, crying for the death of a brother, crying for the fear of the future of my child, crying for the loss of a friend. My whole body was shaking as everything in the past couple of hours came crashing down on me in one fell swoop.

I knew I needed to get my wits about me so I could help Diana and Abigail because while I lost an adopted brother, Diana had just lost her firstborn, and Abigail had just lost her big brother and her boyfriend in one go. But nothing I did could stop the tears from falling, so I stayed in my room until I could trust myself to face the world without breaking down again.
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Abigail

The first thing that registered with me was the scent of Grey's cologne. I expected to find him beside me, safe and sound, and that what had happened earlier had just been a dream. That he and Chris were both alive. That he and Chris were both home, cracking jokes and chatting in the kitchen.

But when I opened my eyes, the only thing I was greeted with was an empty bed, and empty room, and a shattered heart. I remembered Lawson informing me that both Chris and Grey had been killed. I remembered getting to the front door of my house and breaking down. I remember Jax escorting me there, Hannah Lee asking if Nathan was okay, and Jax catching me when my legs gave out from underneath me.

He must've carried me to my room...

I sat up to figure out what was going on and what to do. Luke woke up at my movement, crawling from the end of my bed into my lap; I buried my face in his fur.

Muffled voices could be heard downstairs; it sounded like mom and Hannah Lee. How long had I been out? I should've swung my legs over the bed, made my way downstairs, and checked on my family. But nothing could force any part of me to move from the position I was currently in.

I was still in shock from the news I'd received earlier. I couldn't get past the fact that I was never going to see my big brother again. I was never going to see the twinkle of mischief in his blue eyes. I was never going to hear his just-a-little-too-loud laugh. I was never going to laugh at his attempt to ride a horse. I was never going get one of his anxiety-calming, stress-reducing bear hugs. I was never going to get to celebrate his birthday with him. I was never going to see him get married and have children as amazing as him.

I would never have him again.

And Grey...

We'd had such a short amount of time together, but it was unforgettable. I could still smell his cologne from when he'd hugged me at the airport, the brush of his stubble when he had kissed me one last time, his breath on my ear when he told me he loved me for the first time... we had so much ahead of us, and it had been ripped away in the blink of an eye.

I had always known the risk of having those you loved in the military, but I always thought I'd be one of the lucky ones who never had to experience the loss, the heartbreak. But I was wrong, and I wished I'd been able to prepare myself for this, even though I knew deep down nothing could truly every prepare you for the loss of a loved one.

Finally, I forced myself out of bed. Shuffling downstairs, I found mom and Hannah Lee in the kitchen, the former making a snack for the two of them to eat. Both had mascara smeared under their puffy, red eyes. And for the first time in a long time, I saw my mother out of work clothes. She wore a hoodie and sweatpants, which told me she had cancelled all her appointments. They must've cancelled mine and Hannah Lee's too...

Mom was the first to see me, and without saying a word, she stopped what she was doing and pulled me into a hug. Hannah Lee came over and joined in. We held on tightly to each other, each grieving the loss in our own way. I knew my mom would shut down for a bit and focus on her work, and on me and Hannah Lee to get her through. Hannah Lee would talk about it but just the good memories. I would keep my thoughts to myself for a while until I was ready. We all understood each other's coping mechanisms and respected it.

Hannah Lee pulled her head back just a little so she could say, "I don't know if this is the right time or not, but Nathan thought I should tell you. Have some good news amidst the bad."

Mom and I both looked at her, silently but eagerly anticipating the news.

"I'm going to be a mother. I'm pregnant."

I let out an excited scream as I pulled her into another hug. We all started crying again, but rather from sadness, the tears falling down our faces were from happiness.

"Boy or girl?" Mom queried, rubbing some tears off her face.

"Boy," Hannah Lee answered, wearing a huge smile.

"I'll make sure to add a nursery in yours and Nathan's house. I know we're not up to going out after today, but what do you say we order some pizza and some dessert? Then we can celebrate the life we have to meet and the lives of two brave men who died for our country?"

Hannah Lee and I wholeheartedly agreed. So with that said and done, mom ordered the food while Hannah Lee and I set up the living room for the night because we both knew that none of us wanted to spend the night alone. We needed each other tonight to begin the long, slow process of getting over the heartache.
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