Chapter Quote:
"Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead."
~Benjamin Franklin
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Chapter 24: Epistula

Nathan

Being a Navy SEAL trained me for many things in life, like how to be a good leader, how to be a good teammate, how to conduct a special ops mission, how to hold my breath for an extended period of time, how to run on little to no sleep, and so much more. But all that training, no matter how much I could apply the lessons I learned to every other situation in civilian life, none of it came in handy when it boiled down to soothing a crying baby that woke up every two hours.

Right now, at three-thirty-four in the morning, rocking CJ back and forth to try and get him back to sleep, I couldn't help but think I'd have a better chance of beating an entire military all by myself than getting him to stop crying. There had to be some trick to get him to stop. A method that Hannah Lee, Abigail, and my mom refused to tell me. That, or they were just extremely good with kids. Honestly, considering they were so great at everything else they did, it was most likely the latter one.

"Need help?" Abigail's soft voice came from the doorway.

"How do you do it? Please tell me how you always get him to stop crying," I begged. Smiling, Abigail took my son from me, gently rocking him back and forth. Almost immediately, CJ stopped blubbering, and silence settled back over the household. I stared at her in amazement before saying, "Seriously, how?"

"He could probably feel that you're stressed out," she replied. "Babies are sensitive, you know."

"Oh, believe me, two weeks into fatherhood, and I've definitely figured that out. So, what are you doing up?"

"Nightmare. I couldn't fall back asleep. Besides, it's not like I have to be up early tomorrow for work since it's the weekend. And Grey and Jax are taking care of the horses tomorrow."

"What was the nightmare about?" I prodded, knowing things like that usually didn't bother her for long unless it hit close to home. Abigail bit her lip, then took a seat in the rocking chair. I sat across from her, leaning against the dresser.

"It was about dad. And Grey. It's dad's birthday today, and I started thinking about it last night. Then I started dreaming about the day you found him. I woke up from that, unnerved, but I fell back asleep."

"You're awake now, though. So you must've had another nightmare."

"I did..." I saw multiple emotions cross over her face while she debated how to start with the second dream. "The next dream started almost the same way, except Jax was there instead of Chris. And instead of dad, it was-"

Abigail squeezed her eyes shut, but it didn't help as silent tears streamed down her face. In the blink of an eye, I sat in front of her on my knees, placing my hands on her shoulders. "What happened, Abby?"

"It was Grey," she sobbed out. "It was Grey instead of dad, and I'm the one that found him. I couldn't move as I stared into his lifeless eyes, and when I woke up, I was shaking. And then I thought about how if seeing that in a dream affected me the way it has, then how bad it must've been for you to find dad. I know it took you a while to open up about that, but I'm glad you did. I don't know how anyone could keep all that in without going crazy. And I'm a psychologist. I know what I'm talking about."

I froze at her words, guilt crashing down on my like waves on a stormy shore. I thought about the letter my dad wrote to all of us. I could see it perfectly in my head, hidden away in a false bottom in my nightstand where I kept a couple of other significant documents. My family didn't know about it. At least, none of my living family. Chris had known about it because he had the same thing is his nightstand. Dad had known about it because he'd helped us both install the false bottoms. They were dead now, and I was the only left with the secret.

"Nathan, what's wrong? Why are you making that face?" Abigail asked, wiping the tears off her flushed cheeks.

"I never told you everything. Any of you," I blurted. "Chris and I never could bring ourselves to do it."

Abigail scrunched her face up. "What are you talking about?"

"Let me put CJ down, and I'll show you. Just... please don't hate me for doing what we did. Meet me on the porch."

"Nathan, I could never hate you." I smiled sadly at her before gingerly putting CJ in his crib. Abigail headed downstairs while I went to my room, attempting to get the letter without waking Hannah up. She stirred awake, however, and groggily mumbled, "You okay?"

"Yeah. I just got CJ back to sleep. Abigail is up, so we're going to talk. Go back to sleep, sweetie," I whispered, kissing her on the head. Hannah didn't argue. In fact, I'm pretty sure she fell back asleep before I even finished my sentence.

I went downstairs, careful not to make any noise. I would hate to wake anyone else up right now because I was dreading telling my sister about dad's letter. I didn't want to add anyone else into the mix at the same time.

I found Abigail perched, perfectly balanced, on the porch railing, staring up at the stars. She smiled softly at me when I arrived and said, "So, what did you need to tell me?"

My voice was hoarse as I said, "I needed to show you this. Chris and I found it next to dad when we... when we found him. When we read it, we couldn't bear the thought of mom finding out how bad off dad truly was, and you, James, and Liam were already so devastated. At the time, we thought the best thing to do was never to tell any of you we found this. Chris and I agreed, later on, we'd tell all of you next time we were both home, but he got deployed, then I did, and we all moved on with our lives. Next time I brought it up with Chris, we thought it'd do more harm than good dredging it back up. But I can't keep it a secret any longer. I'm sorry, Abigail. I'm so, so sorry I kept this from you."

I handed her the letter with trembling hands. When she took it from me, I saw her face pale drastically as she recognized the rough cursive on the envelope. Carefully, she took the letter out and began reading it. Meanwhile, I took a seat on the rocking chair across from her with my hands clasped tightly in front of me. I couldn't bear to look at her as she read it. I simply stared at a crevice in the wood flooring, my anxiety and dread filling every bone, vein, and atom in my body.

Was telling her now the best thing for her? Abigail was already upset about her nightmares over dad and Grey. Would this make things worse? Or would it help her to know how much dad loved her and that he was thinking about her before he died? It hadn't helped me, but I'd had anger issues back then. I've changed, mostly for the better, but I prayed Abigail didn't have the same reaction I did.

It felt like hours had passed by before my sister finally finished the letter. By now, I felt like my body was about to explode from the nervousness over how she'd react.

"You've kept this a secret for eight years?" she breathed.

I nodded. "Chris and I both did."

"And only you two knew about it?"

"I'm sorry, Abigail. We should've told you sooner."

"Oh, Nathan." She hopped off the railing and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. "You don't need to apologize to me. I can see how much this is upsetting you. I don't know how you kept that a secret for so long without it eating you up inside."

"I had Chris to talk to about it..." I confessed, tears welling in my eyes. I tried to blink them away. "Now that he's gone too, I couldn't do it anymore. I should've done it sooner though, but fear got the better of me."

Abigail pulled away from me. "I'm going to go to the barn to process all this, but I'm not mad at you, Nathan, far from it. I want to make sure you're okay, though. When are you going to tell everyone else?"

"Today. I need to stop hesitating and just do it."

"If you need me to be there for support, just let me know. I'll see you later." Kissing me on the cheek, Abigail slipped away to the barn. I went back inside, face-planting my pillow only to be aroused a mere five seconds later by CJ crying. With a groan, I got up and went to take care of my son.
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I paced up and down the patio, waiting for my family to gather around. I decided earlier on in the day being outside to deliver the news might be better. It offered more escape options for those who needed to leave after receiving the news. It also provided me an easy escape route once I delivered said news if I needed one.

Abigail took up residence on the porch railing. Grey sat next to her, having already been filled in on what was about to happen. He was getting healthier and healthier by the day. His cuts and gashes were all healed, save for a few, thin white scars left to serve as a permanent reminder of his ordeal. He was rearing to get back in the field to avenge his brothers' deaths. I understood where he was coming from. Most soldiers would.

"What's this all about?" James asked as he took a seat in one of the chairs. Hannah Lee (with CJ in her arms), Liam, Mom, and Grandma Edna were already there. Jax had planned on being here even though he wasn't mentioned in the letter but had to leave because of some family thing. A cousin in politics or something like that. I'd been too worried about this meeting to be concerned with anything else.

"Last night, I realized I couldn't keep this secret from any of you a moment longer. I've held onto this secret for eight years, and I was able to do so because I had Chris to confide in. We thought it best not to let anyone know because we worried about the emotional toll it would take on y'all after what happened," I said. My voice stayed surprisingly steady, but I knew the moment I started mentioning dad, that would disappear. And I was right. "The day Chris and I found dad, we also found a letter he'd written to all of us. Hannah Lee, Grandma Edna, you two were included in it as well."

"You what?" Liam asked in shock.

I hesitated, trying to find my strength to continue. "I can either read it aloud to you or have you each read your section. It's up to you."

"Are you up to doing that?" Abigail queried, concerned.

"No, but I have to do what's right. I've kept this from y'all for too long."

"Read it," James ordered.

I took a deep breath and began reading the letter:

My dearest family,

You have given me so thirty-three years of love, happiness, and laughter, and I treasure those moments. They have kept me going every day, especially in these last few months. It's hard to say goodbye now, because I'm not sure if I'm going crazy or if I have the severest case of survivor's guilt, but I can't continue with my life anymore when all I see day in and day out are the horrors of my last mission. My comrades, who I saw shot and killed in front of me, are constantly around. They follow me around the house, around the barn, when I'm riding the horses, when I'm driving the truck, when I'm lying in bed trying to go to sleep. They are everywhere, and I cannot escape them. One, in particular, is terrible, because he's missing most of his head. I don't know how he's walking around like that... I never told you what happened that day because it was too gruesome and hard for me to speak of. But to understand why I'm about to do what I am, you deserve to know.

My voice caught in my throat as I stared at the next paragraph. My family was already in tears, and the anguish the letter was causing was so thick and heavy in the air, I could've cut through it with a knife.

"Allow me," Grey offered, carefully taking the letter out of my hand. I slumped next to Hannah Lee, burying my head in my hands as my future brother-in-law continued with the letter:

I shouldn't have made it out alive. The drug bust had started out well enough. We contained the hostiles into one room and were waiting to load them onto our boat. But before we'd been able to do that, one had rigged a bomb in the corner of the room before we'd arrived. We'd missed it in our sweep due to its small size and where he'd hidden it. He set it off. It wasn't a big explosion, but it was enough to cause a distraction, and enough to allow the hostiles to attack us. They broke free of their constraints and fought us tooth and nail. Once they nicked a few of our guns away from us, the battle was over. My gun was one of those taken. I took out my knife and defended myself against one of the attackers. I took him down, but only because I killed him. It was my life or his, and I was choosing mine. I had to get back to all of you. When I turned around, I was staring down the barrel of a gun. I thought that was it. I thought of all of you in what I thought were my final moments. But Ben jumped in front of me just as the hostile pulled the trigger. The bullet went through his head, exploding it. I ducked, but still felt the immense spray of blood and other bodily debris splattering across myself and anything in the near vicinity. It stunned me, and before I could react, I got shot and blacked out. I woke up in the hospital with Diana by my side.

My sweet, sweet Diana. The love of my life and the strongest woman I have ever known. You blessed me with five incredible children and were my rock in everything. You have helped so many people through such horrible times, and I admire you for that. I hope our children have your strength because you are the strongest person in this family. You have been through so much, and I know if I had come to you with my problems, you would drop everything to fix them. You would burn down the world trying to save me and protect our family. I waited too late to tell you. I didn't want to say anything to you at first because I feared I'd burden you on top of everything else going on, between making sure we had food on the table, paying the bills, putting our children through college, all while I was away for months at a time. I thought about telling you many times, but I waited too long, and I am too far past saving. You were the only person I considered going to for help with this because I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a stranger. But I cannot be helped. I know this. I must reiterate this because while I cannot tell with certainty how you'll feel, I know you will at least believe you could've done something, like you could've saved me, and you can't. Nothing can stop my nightmares and my comrades from following me around. They are here to stay. The only way to be rid of it is to join them. I love you, but that barely suffices to explain how I feel for you. Thank you for choosing to marry me and for everything you've done for our family.

To my princes- I want you to know how proud I am of all of you. Chris, your bravery, determination, and caring personality will make you excel in the Marines. You will become the leader I know you are, the leader I have seen in everything you do. Thank you for taking care of your mother, brothers, and sister when I was away on tour. Thank you for being there when I could not. But make sure you allow others to take care of you once in a while as well. You will see things as a Marine, things you won't be able to un-see. Talk to someone about it. Get help before you become too far past saving like me.

Nathan- I'm sorry I gave you my impulsive tendencies. I fear I'm to blame for some of your detentions because I know I would've done the same thing had I been in your shoes. I'm excited about your future with the SEALs, and I hope you know how truly special and exceptional you are to become one of them. I know you loved and idolized Chris, and wanted to be just like him, but you are your own man. Your passion and adaptability to situations will make you not just a good soldier, but a great one. You are a great man, Nathan. You just have to believe in yourself as I believe in you. And I want to impart the advice I gave to Chris to you as well- if you need help, seek it sooner rather than later.

Liam- with your brilliant mind, you are sure to have taken on after your mother. Pair that with your ability to focus and your reliability to get things done, I know you'll be the best Green Beret the military has ever seen. Don't let anyone or anything get you down. I know you were bullied in high school, and I know you didn't want anyone else knowing because you like to handle things on your own. Being able to hold your own will forever be a great trait to have as a soldier. But know when it's too much for you to handle alone. Ask help from your mother, ask your sister, ask your brothers, but make sure you ask.

James- for someone as calm and shy as you, I never pictured you going into the Air Force. But I am one-hundred percent sure you will be the best pilot they've ever seen and had, and your perceptiveness will allow you to understand and see things before they happen. You're going to outshine everyone you fly with. Do not let what you see on the job, and the things you must do for the job, change who you are as a person. Stay honest and stay true to yourself. You might not see the aftermath of the battle on the ground like your brothers, but you will see things just as disturbing. I will repeat to you what I have to your brothers: get help, and don't be afraid to do so.

Abigail- my charming little princess. Your loyalty to your family and friends is unrivaled by anything I've ever seen. When you were little, you were coming to your brothers' aid, ready to fight anyone giving them trouble, even if they were triple your size. You have always taken care of those around you, and it's amazed me to see complete strangers confide in you. You were born to be a psychologist, and I'm so proud of you. Continue following your intuition. You can sense things are wrong with someone even though they are showing no signs of it. You sensed things were wrong with me, and I'm sorry I kept this all from you, but like your mother, I couldn't burden you with this. Especially when I was too far gone. Remember that while you're trying to take care of everyone else, make sure you take care of yourself and enjoy college!

Hannah Lee- you're a daughter to me. I know you're a sister to Abigail; she says you're the sister she never had. Thank you for being such a good and loyal friend to my daughter. Thank you for taking care of her when I've been away in the times she felt she couldn't go to her mother or brothers. Thank you for talking Nathan out of doing stupid things. You might not know you've done this, but you've captivated my son by your elegant and adventurous spirit. He's going to be extremely upset with me for telling you this, but I have to thank you for it. You saved him from more detentions. You will succeed at anything you put your mind to, and you will make a fantastic therapist. I wish you the best of luck.

Edna- how you've made me laugh over the years. How you've made us all laugh. Words cannot express how much you mean to me, and how much it means to me that you've taken care of Diana all these years, and I want to thank you for taking care of her in the years to come. You may not be a psychologist or a therapist, but you have your own, special way of taking care of people. You may not be our blood, but you are forever our family.

Diana, Chris, Nathan, Liam, James, Abigail, Hannah Lee, and Grandma Edna, I love you with all of my heart, and I will see you in Heaven one day. But please, don't make it too soon. Take care of each other, and I am so sorry I couldn't be stronger. You are all my pride and joy and know I'll be looking down on each and every one of you every single day.

With all my love,

Lawrence Kennedy

Grey finished finally finished the three-page letter, leaving our group in a hushed, uneasy silence. I refused to look up at anyone, unable to bear the look of betrayal they might've felt.

"May I see it?" Hannah Lee requested, her voice full of emotion. The letter rustled from the transfer of hands as my wife read it over herself. I dared a glance at her but quickly looked away when the knot formed in my throat at the sight of her. Hannah Lee was trying not to cry, but a couple of tears had escaped.

I heard the letter being passed around. Ages seemed to pass each time it did. No one spoke. No one almost dared to breathe, leaving me with only one thought: what had I done to my family?

"Nathan, look at me," James said. I forced myself to listen to him. He stood in front of me, so I hoisted myself up to meet his gaze eye-to-eye. I waited for him to say something, anything, because I could see the hurt in his glistening blue eyes. I waited and waited and waited, but instead of hitting me with his words, he decided to use his fist instead. Despite being smaller than me, albeit only by a few inches and pounds, his punch knocked me to the ground. Grey and Liam gripped James by his arms, restraining him from taking another swing at me.

"How could you keep this from us?!" James yelled. "How dare you keep this from us!"

"I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry, Chris and I were doing what we thought was best at the time. We shouldn't have kept it from you. Not for this long."

"You shouldn't have kept it from us at all!" He snarled. "Let me go! I'm leaving."

Grey and Liam shared a brief look before coming to a wordless agreement. They released James but didn't move away from him, ready to grab him in case he went after me again. But, as he said, James stalked off towards the shed where we kept Chris's truck. I had a feeling he was going for a drive.

"I'll go after him. Make sure he's okay," Abigail offered. Giving me a reassuring, sympathetic smile, she dashed off after our brother, narrowly reaching him before he tore out of the shed and down the driveway. Tears stung the back of my eyes. James' reaction is what I'd been terrified of happening. I feared I'd just lost any trust and faith my brother had in me.

"I'm sorry," I croaked out, the words sounding useless coming from my mouth. What could 'I'm sorry' do? It couldn't bring dad back, it couldn't bring Chris back, and it couldn't fix what I'd done. It's all that came to mind, though.

Mom came up to me. I couldn't meet her gaze, especially when I saw her eyes filled to the brim with tears, but I told her, "I'm sorry, mom. I got scared. I... I just got scared."

"Oh, honey." Mom cupped my face in her hands. "It's okay to be scared. I'm not mad at you. I'm just sorry you felt you had to keep this to yourself for so long. I love you so much, my brave, brave boy."

Mom pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, and I sank into it, relieved to know my mom didn't hate me for keeping this secret from her all these years. When we pulled away, I faced Liam, waiting for his reaction.

"I... I'm going to go for a walk. I'll be back later." Liam didn't say anything else to me, and I couldn't read him. I couldn't tell if he was mad at me or not. But as my brother walked past me, he gently clapped my back, silently letting me know we were okay. He wasn't angry like James. He just needed time.

"Grey, would you mind going with me to the store? I need to pick up a few things," Grandma Edna requested.

"Of course," Grey complied. Giving me a nod, he went to grab the truck. Grandma Edna gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek before following him. That left me, mom, Hannah Lee, and CJ.

"Sweetie, I'm going to be in my room for a bit. I'm taking the letter with me. I'll see you later, okay?" Mom said. I nodded. Now it was just me, my wife, and my son. Hannah Lee stood up and wrapped her free arm around my neck, pulling me to her in an embrace. Burying my face in the crook of her neck, I let the stress and anxiety over this meeting finally escape.