Chapter Quote:
"No one is truly lost when they remain in the hearts and minds of those who love them."
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Chapter 12: Dolorem

James

My buddy had called to check to see how I was doing after Chris's funeral. I told him I was doing okay, even though that was far from the truth. I'd idolized Chris. We all had. He was the poster child for the perfect son, even if he did get in trouble with mom and dad sometimes. He had been a straight-A student, the star quarterback on our football team, and he had graduated at the top of his class when training to be a Marine.

Yeah, we all aimed to be like him.

The only one who came close was Abigail. She'd had the same grades as him, had juggled riding lessons after school, had volunteered with Hannah Lee at animal shelters, and had made near-perfect grades in college. Nathan and I had both been equivalent to Chris in athletics, being star wide receiver and half-back respectively. Liam had outshone even Chris in academics but had struggled in the athletic department until his last year. We had all been top of our classes in the military but still, it was hard to live up to him. He and Nathan had been particularly close, especially after our dad died. They never spoke about it, and Nathan refused to go too deep into the woods. I don't think he could face the spot where he found our dad's body, even after all this time.

Liam and I had become closer after his death too. I'd always been closer to Nathan beforehand and Liam to Chris, but the dynamic shifted. Liam had taken his death hard and like how he'd come to me for the bullying, he came to me for his grief too. He was arriving home in three days. Unlike me, he hadn't been able to just stay home after the funeral. He had things he needed to finish and had had to fly back.

I sat on the porch swing with my phone in hand, watching Hannah Lee riding with one of her patients. In the distance, I saw Abigail with her client, returning from their therapy session. Jax's session was next which was why he was here today. He was always early for sessions. Originally I thought it was because he had a thing for my sister, but I came to see to that he enjoyed being around the horses. He was also a help to Hannah Lee and Abigail when it came to taking care of them. Sometimes, if his session was the last of the day, Abigail would give him a discounted rate if he helped her with the horses. He always took the offer.

I hadn't known him long, only a few days to be honest. But I'd heard about him through Abigail, just what he was like as a person as she couldn't give any details about their sessions. He also reminded me of Chris a bit; just a big brother that was always looking out for those younger than him. He wasn't much older than us, only thirty, but he acted as if he were. I think losing his leg had changed him. To be honest, I didn't know how a person could go through something like that and not change at least a little.

It felt good to have a big brother figure around. Nathan had never quite filled the role like Chris had but then again, Nathan and I had been polar opposites of each other when we were younger. I was shy and quiet, always following the rules, but I was still more sociable than Liam (although he'd come out of his shell quite a bit since joining the Green Berets). But Nathan had been the rebel without a cause most of his life, really only changing when he joined the Navy and when dad died. It still kind of amused me that he had been the first one of us to settle down and have a wife and kid. We'd always thought it'd be Chris or Liam. They were just the marrying type. I figured Abigail would be the next one of us to get married, and I felt her name would be changing from Kennedy to Stone. I wasn't sure why, but my sister had always been very picky who she chose to date which had resulted in her not dating most of her life, with only a handful of guys that I could count. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could list them all on one hand. But Grey had seemed to capture her attention in a way no other guy had. The feeling was mutual too. I'd seen a lot of guys look at my sister, but none quite the way Grey did. He looked at her as if she was the most precious thing in this world. While my sister never saw it because he always hid it when she looked his way, I did. I was okay with it. My sister deserved a guy who treated her like a queen.

Grey was a good guy; I liked him. He was quiet and stoic, but I figured he was only like that when he was unsure of the situation or around people he didn't know well. After all, I'd seen the videos of him with my brother when they were deployed. When Chris had been around, he'd been all smiles. He smiled whenever Abigail was in the room too. He was more reserved around me, and I wanted to change that. If we were going to be brothers one day, I wanted us to be comfortable around each other.

Jax opening the front door brought me out of my thoughts. I gave him a smile as he walked by, one he returned. I half expected Grey to be following him, but he didn't. I vaguely wondered why but figured he had a good reason. They were like brothers to each other. In fact, Grey had said their relationship was similar to that of a military brotherhood, like the one he shared with Chris and his comrades.

Thinking of Chris again made a lump form in my throat. I missed my big brother. The grief was always there, but the severity of it came in waves. Sometimes it was a dull throb, sometimes it was a sharp stab in the chest. Right now, it was the latter. I needed to either get up and get my mind off of him or let it out, and since I didn't want to cry again, I aimed for the former option.

Problem was, there was nothing I could think of to do that would distract me enough. The house was spotless as my mom had gone on a cleaning spree the day after the funeral. I think it had been her distraction. Abigail and Hannah Lee were busy with their appointments. Jax was already taking care of saddling up Rhaegal, and I knew he'd take care of the other horses if need be. I had no idea where Grey was, and as much as I wanted to create a brotherhood bond with him, I didn't want to bother him.

But then an idea hit me, and I got up, making my way to the garage. I needed to get off the property, I needed to get away from people. I grabbed the set of spare keys from Chris's small hiding spot, one he hadn't known I'd known about. Nathan and Liam didn't know about it, but I'd spent a lot of summers in the garage with my dad organizing and cleaning it out. Nathan and Chris had always opted to do repairs on the grounds, and Liam and Abigail had always helped mom with stuff around the house. I'd only ever taken Chris's truck when he was away, just to keep it running. I was the last of the boys to go to college so it wasn't too hard of a secret to hide from them.

I slid into the driver's seat and started the truck. His Toyota Tundra roared to life, ready to go. I smiled at the sound, comforted by it. It was the closest I could get to the sound of my jet engines which were really the only thing that ever took my mind off anything and everything. Glancing around, I took in what Chris had in his car. The radio was playing the country station he'd last left it on. There some bottles of Gatorade on the floorboard of the passenger side, some empty, some still full. I cringed to think about how long those had been there. Chris had had a habit of leaving Gatorade bottles for ages before clearing them out and by then, I'm pretty sure he threw them out when they were a different color that they were supposed to be. There was a USMC cap in the backseat next to some cowboy boots and a 'Go Army' shirt. He'd been forced to wear it when he lost a bet to Liam about whether or not the Army would win the football game. He wore it once in a while afterward if he ever saw Liam in a bad or down mood, just to make him smile. It always worked too. That was the kind of man my brother had been. That was the kind of man I wanted to be one day, the man I hoped to be.

I backed out of the garage and pulled onto the driveway. Abigail saw me. I could see her telling Jax something before urging Drogon to canter over to me. Pulling up alongside the driver's side, she slid off Drogon and asked, "Hey, you okay?"

"I need to get out for a bit," I told her. With my sister, I knew I didn't have to explain why, especially considering I was driving Chris's truck. She understood exactly why I needed to get out.

Giving me a sympathetic smile and placing her hand on my arm, she simply said, "Be careful. I'll see you later. Call if you need anything?"

"I will. Love you, Abigail."

"Love you too, James." She hopped back onto Drogon, going back to Jax. I watched the two of them head off towards the woods for their session, and I took off down the driveway, blaring the country music.