#HeartboundWP

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Day 13.2 | E

"ISN'T THIS TOO much?" Z asks, his head lolling back on the couch as he scans their orders on his screen. From behind him, Ky peeps at his phone.

Elias shakes his head in disagreement. He gets his wallet from his bag, takes out a few bills and leaves them on the center table. He grabs Ky's paperweight that she left there last night after studying, and places it on top of the payment for their dinner—sagot niya tonight.

"Pupunta si Migs," he announces. He hears Ky and Z groan in protest before he closes the door to his room to take a quick rinse and get into more comfortable clothes.

Miguel is always a welcome guest in their unit—the same way he's welcome to run off to his place whenever he has nowhere else to go—but he cannot blame his roommates for their reactions. Their place is usually quiet, and Migs is just . . . loud and . . . obnoxious, at times.

Magkakaibigan naman silang lahat, but Migs is usually not someone you would want to hang out with after a tiring day of lectures in the morning and clinical experience in the afternoon. Elias knows that he can be quiet if he thinks he needs to be, but peace and silence are not the first two things that come to people's mind when they think of him.

His shoulders jump in slight surprise when Ky is right outside his bedroom door when he pulls it open. She's still in uniform and she's standing there like she's guarding his room.

"Why?" she asks.

"Ha?" Elias asks back, gently holding her on the shoulder to move her out of his way. She follows him into the kitchen, staying right beside the fridge when he opens it to get himself some water.

Elias merely shakes his head when she still follows him to the sink when he grabs a mug. She reminds him of Zoa when she was way younger—always following him around whenever she had questions that needed answering.

"Bakit siya pupunta rito?" Ky asks, folding her arms over her chest. Elias pays her no mind at first, thinking that she's being her usual self who generally just doesn't like noise, visitors, and noisy visitors.

But then, he remembers. That look on Miguel's face. What the fuck.

Did something happen that would make her not want him around here more than usual? Should he send Migs a message and tell him to not show up and that he's canceling dinner?

Elias almost chokes on his water. He sets the glass down on the sink. Maybe he couldn't hide the terror on his face, and the visual earns him a deep crease in the middle of Ky's forehead. "What?" she asks, confused.

Elias leans on the kitchen counter and just continues staring at her, wondering how to approach the subject without her reaching for the knife nearby and thrusting it onto his neck. When her eyebrows are done being snapped together, Elias cannot read his cousin's face, let alone what goes on in her mind.

He ends up just shaking his head. There's no way. There's just no way. If there's anything, it's probably going to be one-sided, and it's Migs who's standing on the losing side. "Wala. Just want to treat everyone to dinner after disappearing."

Ky purses her lips, and he finally sees some emotion peek through that face of hers that's almost always set on neutral. Maybe he should have worded it better. They haven't really talked about it. Ky dropped the topic after he told her when he came back that he's not telling her anything more than the fact that he's okay.

"Would you rather me invite the whole study group?" he asks to interrupt the silence that could have gone awkward if it continued for a few seconds longer.

Ky rolls her eyes. They both know the answer to that. He laughs when Ky walks away without saying anything further.

Aside from trying to make up for worrying people about him when he was off the grid for three days straight, and wanting to cap the tiring week with something nice for himself and his friends, Elias figured that he should try and start talking now. He's thinking of it like a practice run for his appointment tomorrow. He doesn't really know how his first session would go, and frankly, he's nervous about it even if it doesn't show.

But that's fine, right? It's his first time and he's trying. It's normal to be scared.

Miguel arrives a few minutes past 9. Elias tries not to make it obvious that he's closely observing him and Ky, but fails because Migs quickly notices and smacks him on the arm without saying anything when he saunters in the kitchen to open the fridge.

"Seriously?" Migs turns to him. "Why don't you people have food sa ref?"

"Hindi ba magkakasama tayo kanina?" Ky asks back from the dining chair, tone a little course, but that's normal . . . right? He shouldn't think too much of this conversation, 'no? "Pare-parehas tayong galing hospital? Why do you think walang food?"

Like the other two men in the unit, Migs knows better than to retaliate, so he merely humphs before closing the fridge. Elias stops leaning on the kitchen counter and unknowingly follows Migs to the living room.

He halts in his tracks when Migs turns his head to look at him. "Dude. Stop. You're making this weird," pabulong pero mariin nitong sabi, pinanlalakihan siya ng mata. "Wala nga."

Zak, who's still slouching on the couch with his phone in his hand, does not seem to be aware of their conversation. "Why are you here?" he asks Migs, not taking his eyes off his screen. Kasasabi lang ni Elias sa kaniya kanina ang sagot, but at this point it is conventional practice to ask.

"El invited me for dinner pero wala naman kayong food," Migs replies, sitting on the other end of the couch.

Elias sits on the empty couch across from them. "Um-order na si Z."

"Just now?" Jesus. One week bang hindi kumain 'to? Bakit gutom na gutom? "One hour pa yata 'yan!" Migs hasn't been there for more than ten minutes pero maingay na agad.

"Kanina pa sa daan," he clarifies. "Just go home if you're that hungry." Of course, he doesn't mean that. It's just the way they talk to each other after being friends for quite a long time.

Migs is well aware that he's not serious pero pumatol naman, true to his nature. Kaya hindi tahimik kapag nandito siya. When it's just the three of them, mabilis natatapos ang usapan. Migs seems to be allergic to a normal, simple conversation. "What a way to treat your guest."

"Welcome ka here?" Ky asks in her snappy tone when she walks into the living room, making Z laugh. Elias just shakes his head and doesn't say anything more. An outsider would think that they were all doing their best to kick Migs out, but, really, that's just their loving way of talking.

"He invited me!" Migs utters in defense, pointing a finger at him.

Z stands up. "Fifteen minutes," he announces, then lifts his gaze from his screen to Elias. "Baba ako for drinks."

"Sama ako," Migs says, standing up.

Z merely gives him a head-to-toe scan with his face all bunched up as if the suggestion was so repulsive. Shaking his head, he slips his phone in his front pocket. "No na."

"Pasamahin mo na," Ky demanded. Elias just lets the back of his head fall on the backrest of the couch and watch the chaos unfold. He feels like his headache would be coming back if this were not to reach a resolution in the next two minutes.

"Why do I have to babysit?!" Z grumbles, instead of telling Ky no because he doesn't have the guts to do that. None of the men in the room have the guts to do that, to be fair.

They talk about the subject of their conversation as if he's not there. Seemingly offended, Miguel smacks the back of Z's shoulders while the latter is busy counting the cash Elias placed on the table earlier. "'Babysit'?!"

The side of Elias' head starts to throb. It's so noisy. He closes his eyes as if that's going to shut his hearing, too.

"Bumili na kayo before the food gets here," utos ni Ky.

"Ako na nga lang!" Migs says in a tone that reminds Elias of Zozo when he doesn't do whatever she's asking him to.

"Bahala ka. You pay," Z replies. Elias opens his eyes and looks at the both of them. When is this gonna end? Hindi ba sila pagod sa pinaggagagawa nila kanina?

Ky sighs. "Bumaba ka na rin Zakarias gawa n'ung food. Hintayin niyo na."

"Ikaw na rin kumuha," Z says to Migs, placing the bills back on the table.

"Yeah?" Migs arches a brow. "Tapos iuuwi ko na. I'm not coming back up here."

Zak rolls his eyes and picks the money back up. "Fine. Will accompany you na nga," he says, finally taking another step towards the door.

"What's up with your genes?" Migs asks. Elias swears he can almost hear the angels singing when Z finally pulls the door open and takes the first step outside. The pearly gates to peace have shown itself and finally reopened. "Ang susungit niyong magpipinsan lagi sa 'kin," he hears Migs add before the door closes with a clicking sound. Fucking hell. Finally.

Sabay pa yata silang nagbuntonghininga ni Ky. He massages his temples before closing his eyes again and letting his head sink on the couch. He's only realizing now how he's thankful that Ate has only one Zozo. Two or three or a million Zozos would be nice, and he still wouldn't trade those kids for anything in the world, pero maaga yatang puputi lahat ng buhok niya kung laging may kaganapang kagaya ng kanina.

"Tumahimik din."

"Enjoy your twenty minutes of quiet," Ky says. "Palit lang akong damit."

True enough, the silence only lasted for about twenty minutes. Nakabalik agad sina Migs at Z with their ordered food, canned beer, root beer for Migs who has to drive himself home, and some snacks. The men aren't as loud as they were earlier, but they just seem to never run out of things to talk—or quarrel—about.

The full silence only comes back when they finish setting up on the balcony. The space seemed small with all four of them packed in there on the floor, given that the shortest person in the group is a woman standing at about 5 feet 7 inches with a relatively short torso and very long legs.

Potentially because of his hunger, or of his way of coping with the noise that involves making up and hearing indistinct conversations between Z and Migs in his head, Elias only notices that everyone was quiet when he finished gathering all that needs to be thrown out and places them in the plastic bag their takeouts came with. His eyes sweep the balcony, trying to understand why everyone fell silent.

He first thinks that maybe the hunger and fatigue finally caught up to them, but Elias isn't convinced. They're all looking at him like they're waiting for him to speak. That's actually his plan since the beginning—to talk, to tell them things. What he doesn't know is why it suddenly seems like they are waiting for him to, like they are expecting him to say something. He never told them about his plans.

He's hungry, so he doesn't ask. He attends to his food first and the three shortly follow without a word. He notices them looking at each other as if passing secret messages, but god, he's starving. Bahala muna sila d'yan.

Z is the first one to break the silence. "So . . ." he trails off.

Elias looks up at him when he doesn't say anything more after a full minute. He looks around the balcony again, his eyebrows furrowing when all of them start to avoid his gaze when he catches them looking.

"What?" he asks, and no one answers. "Tinitingin niyo?"

Ky sighs beside him. She picks up her glass of water. "Remind ko lang kayo na nasa 31st floor tayo. And I'm not testifying against Elias kapag may tinulak siya pababa."

"Alam mo," Migs says, setting down his food on the low coffee table where they used to place the plants Z's mom would leave at the unit during their first year. She gave up trying to set up plants in their place when she would always find dead the last ones she left every time she visits again. Now they just use the table and utilize its perfect short height whenever they want to eat out on the balcony floor. "Really, I can't tell kung serious ka or not."

"'So' pa lang naman ang sinasabi ko!" Z blurts in defense, looking at Ky.

Migs raises both his hands in surrender. "And I'm just looking." He glances at him. "No questions here."

Z eyes him incredulously. "Seriously?"

"Baka paalisin ako if I ask," Migs replies, picking up his can of root beer and lifting the tab open. "You do it."

They simultaneously turn their heads to him. Elias furrows his brows. He's pretty sure that it will not be about his 'disappearance'; Migs wouldn't bring that up. "What?"

Instead of answering, the two men in front of him both look at Ky, instead, as if asking for help. It's not their lucky day because Ky replies, "Bakit sa 'kin kayong dalawa nakatingin? I'm not helping you."

Knowing that it would take the three of them a while to come up with a resolution on who's going to ask him whatever question, Elias attempts to tune them out and focus on his dinner. He goes back to paying attention to them when the noise starts to die down again.

"What?" he asks Migs when he catches him staring.

Miguel takes a deep breath. "There's a Nadia-shaped elephant in the room," dere-deretso nitong sabi before stuffing his mouth with a spoonful of food, like he's not willing to substantiate that statement.

Elias grabs a can of beer and arches a brow. Ah. So this is about Nadi. Kung kanina pa nila sinabi, e di kanina pa natapos ang usapan. He's planning to tell them about her, anyway. Her absence, more precisely. Whether that absence is temporary or permanent, he doesn't know, unfortunately, so he has nothing to say on that matter.

"And?"

"I mean . . ." Z trails. "We are curious lang," he says, emphasizing the first word.

"Sa?"

"Sa kaniya. Where is she?"

That's not so difficult to answer. And they're making this talk easier for him because they're leading the conversation. This would do as practice. Elias shrugs. "I don't know."

"Why hindi mo alam?" Zak doesn't bother to hide the disappointment in his tone. "Are you guys still even talking?"

Another easy question, but this one kind of stings. "No."

"No?" sabay na tanong ni Migs at Z, sounding as if they could not believe that that's true—that Elias could lose something that good. He doesn't know whether to be flattered about it.

He merely shakes his head. "No," Elias repeats, dragging the word out, as if he's carefully tucking it inside their heads and making sure that they get the message this time. Ayaw na niyang ulitin, and frankly, ayaw na niyang matanong niyon ulit.

For a moment, Migs and Z were both at a loss for words. Parang parehas may gustong sabihin pero hindi alam kung ano. They both keep on opening their mouths and closing it back again without a word said. Ky titters beside him. "Nawala na 'yung questions."

"Okay na?" Elias asks.

Migs shakes his head quickly. "Did she turn you down?"

Z gasps as if a realization just got through his head. "May ginawang something stupid!"

Wow. His friends don't bother mincing their words. Elias sighs. Now, those are questions a little tougher to answer. "Ewan."

"Oh, shit. She turned you down nga?"

He shakes his head at Zak. "Not . . . not quite."

He's not sure if that's the right answer. He recalls that Saturday morning, carefully replaying the scenes in his head. He picks up what's only necessary to answer Z's question, because it's not a very pleasant memory, and frankly, he doesn't want to relive it. The cold beer traces a line down his throat while he finishes what's left from the can. Eight.

He vividly remembers eight moles on her face.

"Not really," he adds.

Z creases his forehead. "What do you mean 'ewan' mo?"

Three on her forehead, one on her eyelid . . . Elias shakes his head, both to tell himself to stop seeing her face and to tell Z that he really doesn't know. One just around her lower lashes, one on the tip of her nose. Fuck. "Basta." One on the upper lip, one the lower lip, both placed on the same side of her face. 'Tang ina.

It's Miguel's turn to ask. "How did you even ask her out ba? Baka you said something wrong."

"I did not," Elias says a little too quickly.

He wanted to retract and clarify that the answer is only for the first question, and not in agreement to the statement that followed, but Migs was just as quick to follow up, "Are you sure? What did you say?"

"I mean . . ." He remembers asking her to have breakfast. He stops himself before he gets to the part where she tells him that he can drive her home. "I did not say anything." It's both a clarification and a realization. Why didn't he say anything again?

Even Ky beside him is perplexed, but she remains quiet. Migs' jaw just slacks open. As expected, it's Z who has the most violent reaction. "You did not ask her out?!" he asks so loud that Ky throws him the tab from her beer and tells him to lower his voice down. Z leans on the table and doesn't let him escape his eyes. "Or at least let her know that you like her?" he asks in a lower voice just as Ky requested, but now he sounds firmer.

Elias shakes his head. He runs his finger through his hair and shifts his gaze to the floor when Z stops leaning on the table. "No." Then, he remembers why he did not allow himself to say anything. "She just said that she doesn't want to be in a relationship, yet." In his head he hears her voice asking permission to hug him. And then a minute later, she tells him that she doesn't want to be in a relationship.

"Dude," Z interrupts his recollection.

"Just let it be," Elias says. Nangyari na e. Ano pa bang magagawa? "She doesn't need to know about my feelings."

"It's not like she would entertain your feelings."

"I know." Elias lowers his gaze on his hand when he feels something sharp poking his palm. He notices that he has crushed the empty beer can he has been holding onto since earlier, flattening a part of it and causing a sharp fold that pricked him. He sets it on the table and grabs another one.

"But she told me that she wanted us to stop," he explains. It doesn't matter how badly he wanted her. She wanted them to stop. "What good would me asking her out do to her, really?"

"But at least you got that weight off your chest—"

"And what? Ipapasa ko lang sa kaniya?" he cuts Migs off. It doesn't sit well with him asking her to a different kind of relationship—the better kind—right after she told him that she wanted to end their current situation. "If I did that parang sarili ko lang inisip ko."

And she had just told him the night before that she wasn't ready for it. It doesn't matter that he can give her something better. She's not ready. Maybe before that, she was open to it, but that was before. He agrees with what his sister told him that he had made awful decisions, and he's not making excuses for those choices. If anything, he's just merely accepting the consequences of those. Had he told her earlier, then maybe things would have been different now.

"She just said she's not open to anything. And that she wanted to end whatever we're doing. If I suddenly told her that I wanted us to be together and I have no plans of going anywhere else, parang hindi ko siya pinakinggan." He should have told her earlier. He should have just stopped barring his inevitable fall. God, why was he so difficult? "It's like I completely ignored what she wanted for herself."

But maybe this is how things are supposed to be. After all, 'different' can go both ways—better or worse. Maybe this was the better outcome for Nadi, made at his expense, but who knows?

"You two don't talk na talaga?" Ky asks him.

"O, akala ko ba you're not asking questions?"

"Quiet ka nga," Ky tells Z with a glare. "Ubusin mo 'yang kinakain mo."

Elias nods to answer the question. "Yes."

"But friends daw kayo?" she follows up.

Migs chuckles. "That's so not gonna happen," he says, sounding so sure that Elias wants to bonk him on the head with a beer can. He thinks that that's a highly likely possibility, but he doesn't need to hear it.

"I don't know." He remembers her deciding that it's best for them to be friends, pero hindi niya alam if Nadi had decided for them to actually be friends. What she said was just a theory, and not an assurance that she would act on it.

"Not that I have anything against Nadia; she's really nice," Migs says with a one-shoulder shrug. "Pero siya na ba talaga?" He meets his gaze. "Sure?"

"Don't say that," Z tells him off, knocking a fist lightly on Migs' shoulder. "I like Nadia, too! She's nice to me!"

Elias doesn't want to entertain Miguel's last question. He's afraid that he knows the answer, and how confronting it could potentially break him given the circumstances now. He doesn't know a lot of things, but for this one, he's certain. He doesn't want to think about it, though. He has other things to worry about.

He switches the topic when the idea comes to him. "Really? Gusto mo lang yata ng malakas-lakas na backer."

Z purses his lips together, then gives him a stare like he's warning him not to speak another word. He discreetly points to Migs beside him by bobbing his head slightly, as if to tell him that they're not supposed to talk about it with him around. Unfortunately for him, though, Migs did not miss what Elias was insinuating. "Woah. You're seeing someone?"

Z turns his head and looks at him incredulously. "When did you start picking up on things that fast?"

Too fast, actually. Miguel's eyes widen in realization. "Is it the best friend—" He gets cut off when Z curses at his face.

Elias listens to them argue. It doesn't take long for him to tune them out, not when he remembers how his arm rested on the dip of Nadi's waist that Saturday morning, and how he resisted the urge to pull her closer so as not to scare her to leaving . . . as if she wasn't already slipping away. He recalls driving to the cafe where she could possibly be, on that rainy evening, and leaving when the hesitation to come up and see her wins. Now that they have openly talked about her, the first time since he told them that he doesn't want anyone bringing her up, he wonders, again, what he would have said if she were there, standing behind the cashier counter, or sitting down on the small chair with the glass display of pastries hiding her from view. He thinks about what she could have told him if she saw him.

There's an indistinct sound that echoes from the side of his head. When his mind clears up, he recognizes that it's Ky's voice calling out his name. "El?"

"What?" he asks, blinking away from his trance.

"Kaya pa?"

He shakes his head. "Ang gulo niyo kasi." He cleans up the table, shoving the trash in a plastic bag and bringing it with him when he stands up. "I'll go rest."

"Already?" Migs asks in disbelief. He really doesn't know where his friend gets the energy.

He checks his phone for the time. It's already nearing 11 p.m. pero parang walang kapaguran itong isa who drove all the way here earlier and still needs to drive himself back. "I have a schedule tomorrow at 9."

"Ang late mo naman tumakbo," Ky comments, stretching her legs on the space he occupied earlier.

Elias thinks twice about telling them about the nature of his appointment, but it doesn't take him long to decide. As much as they sound like bickering kids when they're together, the people in this balcony are the most mature adults he would trust with his life next to his sister. They would understand, less because of them being rational med students, but because they care about him getting what he needs. Besides, it's nothing that he should be ashamed of. "I have a schedule with a psychologist."

Everyone pauses for a second. Elias understands the reaction. Maybe they're shocked, maybe they're worried, maybe they don't know what to say to a person who just announces that they're seeking help. All valid. Kyla is the first one to speak. "Okay."

Z clears his throat. "Are you coming home here for lunch?"

Elias gives him a deadpan stare before snagging the beer can he had just emptied and puts it in the plastic bag. "Oo na. Magluluto na." Hindi naman siya napipilitan even if he sounds like it. He likes cooking for people he likes.

"Puwedeng makakain?"

He, Ky, and Z, respond at the same time, as if they were programmed to do so, "No."

"What—"

"Stand," utos niya bago pa humaba ulit ang usapan. He's beat. "Come on, uwian na."

Migs protests but gets up when Elias drags him out of the balcony. Elias steps out of the unit when he sends off Migs who's not done complaining. "You guys are so damot—"

"Miguel," he cuts him off. "You know you can always go here," he clarifies just in case all the teasing instead of their sarcasm gets into his head.

Migs chuckles. "I know."

"Then stop asking."

Migs shakes his head, still sporting a huge grin on his face. "Nah. I enjoy yung reaction niyo three na pare-parehas and sabay-sabay. It's like it's rehearsed."

Elias merely shakes his head in disbelief. He's about to go back in when Migs speaks, "Hey."

"What?"

Migs pockets his hands on his jeans. He's quiet for a second, reminding Elias of how he looked when he was trying to strike a conversation with him a few days ago when he didn't feel like talking. Migs sighs. "Are you sure you're okay?"

No, he's not. But the uncertainty leaves room for the possibility that he is, and that if he is not, he can be.

He will be.

The reassuring thought makes him smile. "I'll figure it out." 

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