#HeartboundWP

♡

Days 22.2 – 25.2 | E

WALANG ORAS SI Elias para ma-distract on Sunday morning. He tries his best and succeeds in not touching his phone after getting up so early. He tries to get his routine back: he heads down to the gym floor and runs for half an hour, then heads back up to shower, get dressed, have a light breakfast, and have all these done before 7 a.m.

Since he has some time to spare before he drives to pick Ate up, he glues himself to his desk to study. He's honestly not confident that he would be safe from taking the removals this time. He was able to make up for the things he missed when . . . when things were difficult . . . but he thinks he could have done better. Ayos lang naman ang mga iyon, but still, he had better days. Right now, though, he has to put in more work. His exams are roughly three weeks away, but their weight is starting to fall on him now. He thinks he's going to be okay, pero iyon nga, he's just not that confident to declare that.

Aside from his pride potentially not recovering if he fucks this up and his Dad finds out, he's worried about some other thing.

Baka kasi mamaya ma-turn off sa kaniya iyong isa.

The latter one feels like a more dangerous threat to him.

He leaves to pick up his sister from her house when he's done. He didn't have to bring anything today for their visit to Mama kasi si Ate nang bahala. Ate's ready by the time he stopped by their gate, and their drive to St. Jeanne was short. He lets Ate approach Mama first, purposely stopping by the hall entryway as his sister sits beside Mama on her favorite couch.

Mama looks as healthy as she could get. There's a thin book in her hands that she closes when she sees Ate. Elias wonders if she's able to go through the book without being frustrated over not remembering what she had previously read. He doesn't ask that when he walks over to them, pulling a chair from one of the nearby tables and setting it across the couch. He's not sure if he wants to know.

Besides, Mama looks fine. Her last checkup went okay. And it seems like she doesn't need reminding of who Ate is; she even asks about her husband. Iyon ang pinag-aalala niya kanina on the way here—on how he would handle it in case Mama doesn't recognize her eldest daughter.

He quietly listens to their conversation while he's busy lightly massaging Mama's hand. He pauses and looks at her when she pulls her hand away and catches his. He waits, noticing how she's tapping a finger on his wrist and having a faraway look on her face while her eyes are on his, like she's trying to remember what she's supposed to tell him.

Her face brightens up a bit when the words return to her. "How is Se?"

Elias glances at Ate who visibly stiffens on her spot. Napatingin din ito sa kaniya, and he immediately shakes his head no because he knows what's going on in her head.

He puts on a smile when he brings his gaze back to Mama. "She's okay," aniya. He goes back to carefully running his thumb over her palm. "Pumunta siyang birthday ni Zo," dagdag niya dahil iyon naman ang pinag-uusapan nila ni Ate bago siya nito natanong.

Fortunately, Mama doesn't ask more about Serena. After a while, she asks that they walk outside. She holds onto his arm while she and Ate talk on their way to the garden. They go back inside when an employee tells them that there's a scheduled activity for their residents, and Mama says she wants to go.

Elias lowers his gaze to his sister when she rests her head on his arm. He drapes an arm across her shoulder in the hopes that that would somehow provide comfort. They can stay a little longer, technically, dahil hindi naman sila pinagbabawalan. But Mama told them to leave.

"Let's go?" nangangapa niyang tanong sa kapatid. Ate still has her eyes on Mama who's now talking to her seatmate on the couch.

Ate sighs before nodding. They head out. Sabay pa silang nagbuntonghininga pagpasok sa sasakyan. Elias eyes his sister who's just blankly staring at the gate in front when she settles on her seat. He leans back on his and does the same. He doesn't start the car. They simmer in the silence.

Kahit ilang beses na niya—nila—itong nagawa, it still feels . . . weird. Wrong, even. Pupuntahan si Mama, magse-stay rito nang ilang oras, tapos uuwi na. He doesn't know how to explain it, but every time he does this, it feels like his chest is being hollowed out. Like this is not how it's supposed to be. Like they're being unfair to her.

He feels bad, even if he knows Mama would tell him that he shouldn't. This was not their choice; it was hers. She made them promise not to take her home.

"Naaalala pa kaya ni Mama 'yon?" Ate breaks the silence. "Sabi niya ayaw niyang pakiramdam niya . . . pasanin siya. Naaalala niya pa ba 'yon?"

Elias sighs. No amount of convincing has worked with Mama when they told her that she did not need to do this. She's not a burden. They could have figured things out.

"I don't know," he replies, shaking his head.

"Hindi naman na niya yata naaalala . . ."

He glances at his sister. He knows the feeling very well. Puwede naman kasi e. Kaya naman nila, siguro. Kakayanin. But, still, taking advantage of her slipping memory to make a big decision feels just as wrong as putting her in long-term assisted living. Besides, mukha namang okay siya rito. Maybe uprooting her from her life here would only make it worse.

"Who would take care of her? I can't do it full-time now. Lalo ka na."

Ate shrugs, tulala pa rin sa harap. "We'll hire someone."

"She would stay with you?" he asks and she nods. "What about Dad?"

Hindi nakasagot si Ate roon. Elias keys in the ignition after letting a moment of silence pass. "You're upset about Se," he says. That makes her look at him. "So don't make a decision now."

Tahimik ang biyahe nila nang ihatid niya si Ate sa bahay. He goes inside the house with her, supposedly just to drink some water, but he stays for a few minutes in the living room dahil nahuli siya ni Zoa. He glances at Chikoon who's plopped down on the center table along with some of her books from school while his niece is chewing his ear off about her second birthday gift. Those polyester eyes speak of betrayal, but maybe he's just imagining things.

"You're not eating here?" Zo asks when he gets up and announces that he's leaving.

Elias shakes his head, crouching again to kiss her on the forehead. "Next time. Madami ako ginagawa."

Zo frowns. "You're not making time po."

Sandali siyang natigilan doon. He sighs before sitting beside her again. "Tomorrow? Meryenda tayo after my class. Puntahan kita."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Okay," his niece chirps before going back to her homework like nothing happened. That makes him laugh lightly. He should really maximize his time with her while she's this young at madali pang suyuin. He ruffles the top of her head before getting up again para magpaalam kay Ate na aalis na siya.

The next day, he decides to head to the mall to get Zo her second birthday gift. After his last class, he walks with Ky to the coffee shop but refuses to order for himself. Mamaya pa ang kape niya. Since it's not an option to bail on Zoa, he's going to have to pull an all-nighter later to finish everything that he has to do. He'll have his coffee by then.

Ky's eyebrows furrow while she's sipping on her drink when he tells her that she has to ride with Z on the way home. She doesn't have to say anything para malaman ni Elias na pinaghihinalaan na naman siyang nagsisinungaling; it shows in the way she stares at him.

He merely sighs and looks at her incredulously. Seriously? Where does she think he would even go?

"Are you seeing someone?" she asks.

He just looks at her, waiting for her to take that question back. Para namang hindi nito alam what happened between her and Nadi. When it seems like she's serious about getting an answer, napailing na lang si Elias. "No."

"Are you seeing someone?" Stressing that last word gave her question a whole new meaning.

Elias wonders why she can't just say her name. Puwede naman. Nadi, Nadi, Nadi. He does it all the time in his head. He won't pass out if someone springs her name on a conversation.

He shakes his head again. "No."

She arches a brow. "Are you working on it?"

Elias pockets his hands. Is he?

"A bit, yeah." Hindi naman tinanong ni Ky kung may significant progress. Ang tanong e kung may ginagawa ba siya. Meron naman, he thinks. He's just not sure if he's helping build his case or destroy it.

"Okay," she replies, nodding. "Just checking."

His forehead creases. Did she really think that he's going to meet with Nadi kaya hindi siya sasabay ng uwi? If that's the case, then, wow. She has too much faith in him. "Si Zo ang pupuntahan ko."

She shrugs. "Sure," she says, obviously not convinced. She doesn't give him the chance to change her mind because she starts walking the opposite way.

He heads to the mall. He's not sure what to get Zo nang hindi siya mapapagalitan ni Ate. If he gets her a new dress, another pair of shoes, or another bag, baka sa kaniya na ipasuot ng kapatid iyon. He ends up buying a beaver stuffed toy twice as big as Chikoon. Zoa doesn't have that much toys. Hindi niya kasi hilig bilhan niyon ang bata, and Ate has donated most of her old toys before.

Zo's sitting on the living room floor again when he arrives at Ate's house. He's expecting her to be jumping up and down and opening the door for him, but she's way too busy with homework to even glance at him twice despite seeing the huge paper bag he's carrying and some takeout fries. As if to add salt to the wound, she tells him to shush when he tries talking to her.

He ends up just sitting in silence with their meryenda and his present while waiting for her to finish up. Chikoon eyes him from across the low table, reminding him of Ky's question from earlier. What did 'working on it' even mean? Working on what?

On himself? Maybe. He's okay with Se, somehow. He's finally dealing with things that happened between him and his Dad. He doesn't think that that's something that can be fixed in the near future, maybe not even in this lifetime, but he's doing what he can with the damages he has sustained over the years. That has got to mean something, right?

On getting her back? Well, they're . . . talking. Are they friends? Maybe.

He doesn't even know if the question is appropriate. Is he even allowed to work on it? If so, then how much work can he put in? How far can he go? What's too much that would make her uncomfortable? And what's too little that would just make her confused about his actions? How does he know when he can grab the chance that he has been so eager to take?

Better yet, where does he even find this chance? How does he even know where to look first? Knowing that he can't ask her out on a date—or ask her out to anywhere, to anything. Maybe they're not even friends enough to go on friendly hang-outs.

So, really, how? How will he know that his chance is within reach, and that it's safe to bet on it? Does he just continue to be patient and wait for it? Is that really a smart strategy, knowing damn well that he wasted his previous chances because he sucks at getting the timing right?

He feels like his head is going to explode with all this thinking. Hindi niya na alam. It's like he's tasked to find his chance in a dark room, and the only way he knows how is to wave his hand around and hope that he stumbles upon it. But there's also the fear that aiming mindlessly would knock down things that are already in their proper places, if not make a mess of the room altogether.

He wishes that this comes with a manual so he can study for it, so he can make sure not to get it wrong again. Pero wala, and life gives him no choice but to settle with that fact.

But days later, her face graces his phone screen. And somehow, the decision dawns on him. He's done enough of the thinking. Enough.

So he gets up from his study desk, asks Zoa for Chikoon back, drives to pick it up, and fastens its seatbelt on the front seat before heading back home. This is him tiptoeing in that dark room, trying to cover some distance for his search while remaining careful. This, even if it's tempting to just flail his arms around the dark to possibly find his chance faster. He learned that that is just not the proper way to do it, to do this, after previously letting the damages of his recklessness take his chances away from him.

He knows that anything the opposite of him being with her doesn't make any sense. Being with her just feels . . . so right. They previously kept crashing into each other at full speed. That was bound to cause some harm, and no matter how much they turned a blind eye to it, it became impossible to ignore as time passed.

It didn't even matter how much he wanted it. The collision damaged the components, and by design, it was just not meant to work for a long time.

He's not looking to reuse methods that obviously would no longer work. He wants this to last, so he has to be slow. Careful. Even if it's difficult, even if he doesn't know shit about what he's doing, he has to at least try to do it right. He just has to.

And he will.

♡