#HeartboundWP

Content Warning: I am not really sure how to tag this, but it can be stress-inducing depending on your mental/emotional disposition. Proceed with caution. 

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Day 6.2 | E

​​"WHERE ARE YOU going again?"

Elias looks up from his phone screen and meets Kyla's eyes. He stands and picks up his duffle bag on top of the wobbly plastic table in the corner of their makeshift quarters. He opens it and hands Ky his extra bottled water. She accepts it and finishes more than half the bottle in one go.

"Ate," he answers.

Ky raises a brow. "Talaga?"

"Where else?" Elias asks, volunteering to take a jab at himself before Ky can beat him to it. He never explicitly told her and Z that he messed up again so there's no more Nadi he can take out to dinner after a long, tiring day of community rotation, but it's pretty obvious at this point. This is not the first time this happened, anyway.

"Pero bakit?" Ky asks, walking with him outside. "That's a longer drive from here. Anong oras ka na makakarating do'n?"

Elias merely shrugs to both her questions. He doesn't really want to think about how long he would be stuck in traffic later. More importantly, he doesn't know why he even agreed to subject himself to that kind of modern torture for a dinner with his Dad, of all people. Elias never liked sitting across from him at the dining table since the day he was old enough to form his judgment that Dad is not that much of a good person no matter how many lives he had saved.

"Uuwi ka pa ba?" Ky asks, holding the door to Z's car. Elias lets out an amused huff before getting the door for her and waiting for her to get in. There are times when Ky's way of speaking reminds him of Mama. He thinks it's because of her tone, or maybe his head just likes to flag anything that's remotely connected to Mama.

Elias doesn't answer. There's no way he's staying in Ate's house knowing that his Dad is under the same roof. He would rather be on the road for hours getting back to his unit, or even sleep in his car, before letting that happen.

He shuts the door, walks around in front of the car, and knocks twice on Z's window—his usual way of telling him to drive carefully. He watches them vanish on his line of vision before hopping on his own vehicle and driving away.

On the road, Elias considers bailing. It is so easy to take all the U-Turn slots he passes on the way. His fingers involuntarily taps repeatedly on the side of the steering wheel every time he sees a chance to turn back. He doesn't owe Dad anything. He doesn't have to show up. His Dad stopped being his father a long time ago. He has long been demoted to just someone who pays for his needs and his bills.

So Elias finds it really difficult to make sense of why he's doing this, and why he can't stop. Why he can't bail, why he can't make the maneuver and take the next U-Turn slot and just not show up. Why he can't just pull over and tell his sister over the phone that he's not coming. And instead, all he can do is continue driving towards the damn dinner and watch his phone light up to a text notification from his sister informing him that their father has arrived.

Elias stays inside the car for a few minutes when he stops in front of Ate's house. He takes a few deep breaths and reminds himself na hindi siya ang dayo rito. He's not the person who almost disowned Ate when she got pregnant. If anything, mas welcome dapat si Elias sa bahay na 'to compared to anyone. Hindi dapat siya ang nangingilag. Hindi dapat siya ang kinakabahan. After all, he's not the one who no longer belongs in this family.

Elias heads inside after parking in the garage. He knows who he's going to see, but for some reason, laying his eyes upon his Dad who is sitting on the couch with Zozo still felt like submerging his head under icy water. He doesn't hear Zozo's cheery greeting over the loud thumping in his chest that echoes in his head.

He doesn't want to, but Elias freezes in his spot when Zygphryd Icasiano looks up from his granddaughter's magazine and meets his gaze. The second their eyes make contact, Elias is reminded of everything he loathes about him. Merely looking at Dad feels like mockery. Elias sees in him everything he doesn't want to be, and at the same, he feels like he's looking at his reflection three decades from now. He's convinced that taking after his Dad's image has to be some form of curse.

Dad offers him a courtesy nod which he ignores. Elias goes to the kitchen, his heart still violently ramming against his chest, and helps himself with a glass of water. There's no getting out of this now. Ate is cooking and he doesn't want her efforts to go to waste. They just made up, at ayaw rin niyang mapagalitan. He just has to act like the adult that he is and behave himself, and try to make it out of this dinner alive and well enough to drive back to his unit.

"Is someone using my room?" tanong ni Elias sa kapatid. Ate glances at the living room before looking up at him. Elias wants to help out in the kitchen, and he would have if this were just a regular dinner with Ate, Kuya Ali, and Zozo, but it's not. Elias would rather poison himself than cook dinner for Dad.

Right now, his best course of action is to lock himself up in his room until it's time for dinner. That way, there would be no eye contact, let alone any conversation.

"Be nice," pabulong pero mariin na paalala sa kaniya ni Ate.

"This is me being nice," Elias replies. Ate doesn't appreciate his tone and throws him a sharp look while stirring the pot. He sighs. "I'm not going to do or say anything. Not in front of Zozo, you know that."

Ate nods, eyebrows still furrowed. "Nasa guest room gamit ni Dad. Malinis ang kuwarto mo."

"Thank you," Elias says and quickly makes his way up the stairs. He takes a warm shower and changes into comfortable clothes before getting in bed. He can neither study nor nap, so he kills his time staring at the ceiling and trying to clear his head.

It's Zozo who picks him up in time for dinner. Elias stares at Chikoon whom she's holding on one arm. The polyester bird seems to be looking at him with glassy eyes like it knows that it has been abandoned.

"Eating time po," Zoa says, tapping him thrice on the leg.

"Bababa na po," Elias says before bringing himself up. He ruffles Zozo's hair when he catches her intently looking at him.

"Lolo's home," Zozo says. "I missed Lolo."

"I know."

"Na-miss mo rin siya po?"

Elias crouches and fixes her hair with his fingers. He really hopes for time to slow down and for her to not grow up so quickly. He no longer remembers how the peace that comes with innocence feels like, but he imagines it must have been nice. "Eating time na."

Nakahain na sa baba. Elias knows that the sitting arrangement in the six-seater was strategically planned by Ate. He gets the chair closest to the way out. In front of him is Zozo. Sa tabi niya, si Kuya Ali. Beside Zozo is Ate, and beside her, their Dad—seated at the farthest possible spot from him. He knows that Ate's also just trying to get through this dinner peacefully. And Elias knows she's tired, too, from the hospital and from all of these, so he's going to try to mind his own business and keep things stable.

Kuya Ali is careful in striking a conversation, playing it safe by talking to and about Zoa. Elias just quietly listens, binibilang sa utak niya kung ilang subo na lang ang natitirang pagkain sa plato niya. At some point, Dad had to speak. Elias has been doing a great job at tuning him out, until he mentions his name, "Elias."

It's faint, but his ears catch his sister taking in a sharp breath. Elias drags his eyes over to Ate, who's looking at him like she's pleading for him to be nice, before he brings his gaze to meet his Dad's. Elias' fingers are tight around his utensils. He doesn't say anything. Dad should be thankful that he even bothers to acknowledge his presence at the dining table.

"I'm visiting your Mama next week. When are you free? Puwede mo 'kong samahan?"

Elias stops from pretending to chew something in his mouth, his excuse to stay quiet. Kuya Ali stands from his seat, the feet of his chair scraping loudly against the floor. Elias knows that that's intentional, like the sound of wood brushing against the tiles are supposed to scratch off the record whatever Dad had just said.

Kuya Ali tells Zozo to bring her just-finished plate to the sink, and that she can head upstairs and play with her phone since she's done with dinner. Oblivious to the tension brewing, Zozo jumps off her seat. Elias fabricates a tight-lipped smile and pats the top of her head when she goes to his side and hugs his arm. He bites on his tongue, trying to keep the anger bubbling in his throat controlled, when Zozo goes to his Dad and kisses him on the cheek.

When Zoa's out of earshot, Elias replies, "No." His tone is sharp enough to cut through the facade he has been putting up in front of the kid. Kuya Ali sneaks his way out of the dining area and follows Zozo upstairs.

Ate sighs, cupping her forehead like she knows where this dinner is headed. This dinner is just a performance, and it's going to have an ending the same as the previous ones did: a disastrous one. Why would anything change when the script didn't? Elias doesn't want to be here. Ate's trying to glue this play together. Kuya Ali is in this awkward position where he doesn't know if he can give opinions, so he just takes the role of someone who has to keep Zozo away from whatever unpleasant things are about to unravel. Dad still thinks he can saunter his way back to the family like nothing happened.

Dad did not even ask if it's alright to visit Mama. As if he's not a doctor and he doesn't understand why his access to St. Jeanne has been limited. He just assumes that Elias would hold his hand and walk him inside whenever his schedule is clear next week, and whenever he's asked to do so.

Dad raises a brow. Elias hears Ate call out his name, sounding between a warning, and a plea. He ignores it. He looks Dad in the eye, a wordless way to tell him that he's not changing his mind, and he's not giving him what he wants.

Dad clears his throat. "Why not?"

Elias draws in a deep breath. Fine. Kahit hindi niya alam kung tanga ba o nagtatanga-tangahan lang ang kausap niya, dahil alam naman nito ang sagot sa sariling tanong, he chooses to respond properly. "You know you distress her—"

"But I want to see her!" his Dad cuts him off, yelling like a child throwing a tantrum. "Do you seriously plan on not letting me visit her forever—?"

"Yes," Elias says. He pulls his chair back and stands. If this goes on for any longer, Zozo's going to hear more yelling. She's going to be scared, and she's going to head downstairs, and she wouldn't like what she would witness. He needs to leave. Now.

Dad scoffs. Ate tries to get him to sit when he brings himself up, whispering on how he needs to calm down because being this angry is bad for his heart. "Dad, bukas na lang pag-usapan—"

"Ako ang nagbabayad do'n!" Dad says, still shouting like it's the only method he knows to establish a point.

Elias sighs. He pockets his hands on his jeans. He needs to, because he doesn't know when his fist would come swinging involuntarily. "Okay. Do you need a receipt?"

"Elias!" pagalit na sigaw ng Ate niya sa kaniya. Ate's not the type to yell, but she doesn't like it when Elias is, to her standards, disrespectful. Elias doesn't meet her gaze. He just pulls his chair back further, gearing to leave.

"Kaya hindi mo 'ko puwedeng utusan kung ano ang puwede at hindi ko puwedeng gawin!" Elias sighs, again. This conversation is pointless. His Dad won't stop trying to get what he wants, and Elias won't get tired of preventing that from happening. He should have taken any of the U-Turns the road was offering him earlier. "Wala kang magagawa if I want to see my wife!"

Elias just shakes his head. Dad has not been his mother's husband in a really, really long time. He gave that up when he broke his vows, and cheated on their marriage.

Hinuli ni Elias ang mga mata ng Ate niya. "Kung isasama mo 'yan kay Mama, siguraduhin niyo lang na hindi ko malalaman."

Elias walks out. He's a few steps shy of the doorway when his Dad shouts something that halts him in his tracks. "Hindi naman 'to mangyayari kung hindi dahil sa 'yo e!"

On his way here, Elias had a lot of chances to turn back, but he took not a single one. Hindi niya alam kung bakit ngayon, kung kailan mas maigi na dumeretso at magpatuloy, ay saka pa niya kinayang pumihit pabalik. When he looks back, everything else is blurred aside from the image of his Dad—shouting, pointing his fingers at him, being held back by his now crying sister. His view of Kuya Ali heading down the stairs, getting Ate out of the way, and restraining Dad is marbled.

"She would have been fine! I would have taken care of her! Ako! Sa bahay! Kaming dalawa! Magkasama!" Dad kept on shouting. The words bounce off the walls in his head, ringing again and again. Elias can no longer hear the pulse from his rage that was so loud earlier.

"Bakit hindi ka makapagsalita ngayon?!" His throat had run dry—gone are the traces of anger seething there just a while ago. His tunnel vision only offers him a view of his Dad, and he chokes on his own breath when he can't bring himself to leave.

"Because you know that I'm right!" He cannot turn on his heel because he does not want to. He . . . deserves this. He should take everything Dad hurls his way. He should hear the rest of this narrative, because repeating it to himself every time it crosses his mind for the past seven years is not enough. This is a small price he has to pay for making the stupid choice of leaving Mama alone at home to meet with his friends the night of his 18th birthday. He needs this constant reminding that it's his fault, and unless they have finally invented a way to turn back time, there's no correcting his mistake.

Sure, Dad is a shameless womanizer, but he wasn't the reason why Mama, who was in no condition to drive, hopped in the car and almost harmed herself from behind the wheel. Ate might have been a headache in the family for a while because of her unplanned pregnancy, but she had no hand in that accident that made Mama decide to leave. It was all him.

It was all Elias.

"If it weren't for you, Ellen would have been fine!" And despite the tremendous amount of anger he has for his father, he cannot say anything because he knows that Dad's right. "I wanted to take care of her! But you just had to take her away from this family!" It was his fault.

All his.

Elias blinks rapidly to clear his vision when even Dad starts to look hazy. He only notices that it's his tears that were blurring his vision until he feels Ate's hands reach for both his cheeks, urging him to look at her. Elias just shakes his head, pries her hands away from him, and does what he can do best without thinking; he runs. He rushes upstairs, ignoring Zozo who's sitting at the uppermost step, tucking herself on the side of the stairs, clueless and scared of the unfamiliar yelling. He grabs his things from his room, and doesn't meet anyone's eyes when he makes his way out of the house. Before the door shuts behind him, his Dad's words catch up to him, piercing through his head like a bullet. "This is on you!"

Those four words ring in his head when he gets in his car. It covers the sounds of Ate's hysterical screaming from outside, begging him to get out of the car and not drive. It covers the sound of another driver furiously blowing his horn after abruptly stopping halfway through pulling back his vehicle from the garage when Elias suddenly speeds behind his car. It covers the sound of his phone ringing continuously from inside his front pocket.

Once again, Elias finds himself not knowing where to go. He pulls over to the side of the road when his breathing becomes labored. He exits his car and almost stumbles on his way out, then catches his breath as if he's been drowning for hours. He clutches his head, like he would detach it from his neck if he could, as if it's the only way to make it all stop.

Where does he even go? What place do people who break up families deserve? He doesn't know, but it's certainly not something one can call home. Because that's not something he deserves.

His shaking hand fishes his phone out of his pocket. He can't drive. He can't think.

He lied to himself; he can't figure this out. He can't figure anything out.

He can't get anything right.

He taps on Mama on his contacts, knowing damn well that no one's going to answer the phone. He hates her so much for slipping away. He hates that she's not here to tell him what to do, to tell him where he belongs. The phone rings. Why was he so stupid? Why is the phone ringing? He misses her everyday. He loves her a lot. What should he tell her when she answers? He should not have left. He's sorry. He's so, so sorry. Why isn't she picking up? Why can't he do anything to bring her back? He's sorry. He doesn't hate her. If she were lucid, would she hate him back? Please, pick up the phone. God, he does not hate her. He doesn't. He doesn't. He loves her. He loves her.

He loves her.

The phone stops ringing. His heart stops, too.

"Hello?" Miguel's voice cuts through the silence.

Elias breaks down and cries.

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