#HeartboundWP

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Day 21.3 | N/E

NADIA HAS BEEN holding her phone for hours now since the second she woke up. Maaga siyang nagising ngayong araw. Her sleep was interrupted around 2 a.m. when Yanyan's phone rang tapos hindi nito sinasagot. She woke up again at around 6 a.m., and checked her schedule for the day on her phone, at dapat babalik muna sa tulog but her fingers were itching to click on her social media folder and stalk someone there.

She thinks that letting herself do it is setting herself up in a trap of falling back into a bad habit that would lead her to an unfavorable ending she's already way too familiar with. But it's just so hard to fight the urge. Lalo na na it seems inconsequential.

Because what harm would it bring her to spend a few minutes scrolling through his profile? Wala rin namang kalaman-laman iyon. She would just be looking at the same set of photos she had already seen when he first accepted her friend request. May mangyayari bang masama after? Aside from maybe damaging her eyesight from holding her phone too close to her face because she feels like someone is watching her cyberstalk a guy and judging her from doing so, wala nang iba pa. She would go about her day, and the world would continue spinning. Or at least, that's what she wants to believe.

Maybe it's in our nature to turn a blind eye when it comes to our bad habits. Because if it truly wouldn't cause her harm, she wouldn't be thinking about it this much. She wouldn't be defending herself in an imaginary court and convincing them that it's something trivial. She sighs, brings herself up, and slams her phone screen down on the bedside table.

Maybe she shouldn't have sent that friend request in the first place. See? All it takes is one bad move to get the bad sequence played out again, just one wrong turn to end up back in the place that she had just left. She hasn't even unpacked all the boxes she brought from when she first walked away, and yet, she's there by the door again and ready to set them back down.

She gets out of bed around 9 a.m. Yanyan left early, so no one is around to judge her nang pabalik-balik pa rin siya sa phone niya while eating her breakfast, which is half a sandwich that Yanyan left on the dining table probably for herself later pero inunahan na niyang kainin.

Nadia has made up her mind. Tutal ay blangko naman ang Sabado niya, she would just head out. The unit is starting to feel stuffy, and the contained space is making it difficult to resist picking up her phone and doing things she shouldn't do. She still grabs her phone off the table, but only to set an app limit for safety measures.

She stares at herself in the mirror after fixing herself up. She would be lying if she said that he's no longer in her head; that's not going to come easy just because she's not fixated on her phone and fighting the urge to message him.

Can anyone blame her, though? She used to have plans with him during weekends when he didn't have class. Ilang buwan din iyon even if it's on-and-off, and whenever they're on, she had fun. She liked spending time with him—lazy breakfasts, late lunches, or dinner not-dates. Bawal bang ma-miss? Is it a crime to do so?

She can imagine Lev giving her a disapproving look if she knew what was going on in her head right now, but seriously, it's not like she can do anything about the feeling. Maybe one day they would stop. But for now, it's here and she's soaking up on it. That's just the way she is.

So, bahala na muna. She takes a familiar turn while driving, leading her to the mall she has only been to once thus far. A few days ago when she was here, hindi naman niya inasahan that she would see him, but she did just fine, right? Maybe she's much stronger than she makes herself out to be.

And now that she doesn't want to think so much anymore, she's leaving it all to chance again. Perhaps she's a big romantic, pero if she bumps across him again, then it could mean . . . something. Pero kung hindi, e di hindi. Maybe that can serve as a reminder na it's just not meant to be, na siya lang 'tong hindi matigil-tigil sa paggawa ng ways and reasons for them to be together even if all the signs say no.

She arrives just a few minutes before the movie starts. She doesn't get lunch, but heads straight inside the cinemas after getting her ticket. As usual, most of the seats are not taken. It's dim, having only the LED strips on the stairs and the rolling commercials as sources of light inside, but she scans all the almost empty rows carefully, looking for someone she would recognize even with all the lights turned off.

She goes to her row when she doesn't find him. The screen fades to black after flashing the cinema reminders.

He's not here. She sinks into her seat, unsure of how she feels.

♡

ELIAS' FIVE-MINUTE MORNING study break turned into ten. Then, into fifteen. And before he knew it, may thirty minutes na ang lumipas. He locks his phone, then stares at his untouched notes . . . like he doesn't have free will to just stop scrolling and go back to studying. Like he's completely helpless.

Nadia does not have that many connections online, but she has a lot of photos on her account. Kanina pa napupurnada ang mga plano niya dahil rito. He woke up early but wasn't able to go out for his usual morning run because he was glued to his phone first thing in the morning. He was preparing to head out, but when he started scrolling through hundreds of her photos while brushing his teeth, wala na, hindi na natuloy.

Aside from missing his schedule, mainit na rin sa labas and he still has to study for the lessons for the coming weekdays. He couldn't believe it. It wasn't like him to touch his phone until he was done with breakfast or whatever his first plan in the morning was. The last time he was on his phone right after waking up was when, well, he was still with-but-not-really-with Nadi.

He runs a palm on his face when he catches himself swiping through her photos again. Parang tanga. He wants to bang his head on the wall across, and maybe punch it to break his hand para tumigil na siya, but it's particularly difficult to stop when he finds some old Christmas uploads with Nadi in a red dress on about twenty-plus photos.

He pauses on swiping through them when he comes across a selfie with her brother. She's beaming at the camera, ever so beautiful, while her younger brother doesn't seem to notice or is just deliberately ignoring the lens. Elias' eyebrows furrow. He's curious as to what was it with the kid that seemed to have Migs traumatized (his words, not Elias'). He looks way more harmless than the younger sister.

"Ano 'yang tinitingnan mo?"

His phone almost slips his hand. He presses a button so quickly to turn his phone screen black before bringing his gaze up to Ky who just got out of her room.

He shakes his head to dismiss her question. "Wala."

He gathers all his stuff from the table. He should definitely stop what he has been doing, pero kung hindi man niya kayang itigil, he should just do it inside his room para walang makakita. He's so going to get an earful when his two roommates find out what he's doing.

"Mag-go-grocery ka later, right?"

"Yes," he answers, standing up with his stuff on hand. He's quite certain that Ky did not see what he was so engrossed on on his phone earlier, pero ramdam niya ang pulso ng kaba niya sa ulo niya. Ganoon yata talaga kapag guilty.

She says something that he doesn't quite catch, so he just nods mindlessly before locking himself in his room. He sets his things on his study table, and before he goes down the rabbit hole that is Nadi's albums of photos, he steps in the shower para mahimasmasan naman siya. He needs to go out, or else this day wouldn't be so productive and his social media screen time would be through the roof.

He throws his phone in his duffle bag before zipping it close. At this rate, niloloko na lang niya ang sarili niya if he would go back to sitting down and reading his notes. Sigurado naman siyang walang papasok sa isip niya with the image of Nadi's smile blocking everything else that's trying to come through. He finds Z instead of Ky when he steps back out into the living room.

"Where are you going?" Zak asks, momentarily taking his eyes off his laptop screen.

"Gym," he answers before walking out of the unit as quickly as possible before Z asks anything more. He feels like if he had stayed there even for a few seconds longer, Z would see in his eyes that all he has accomplished so far for this day is go through about nine albums of Nadi's photos.

He's a few steps away from the entrance of the gym when he stops himself from walking. His hand reaches for his keys in his pocket, fiddling with the fob for a few seconds before cursing under his breath and walking the other way. This is so not a good idea.

What would he even say to her if she found him there? Hindi siya magtatanga-tangahan, at least not to himself; he knows damn well why he's heading to a gym na mas malayo at tapos na iyong gifted membership niya. He's not usually like this. He doesn't want to hover. He doesn't want to insert himself in the places she frequents. What if that—or he, himself—would make her uncomfortable? He would be giving her another burden of having to find new places where she would find no traces of him.

It's the reason why he couldn't pull the car door open kahit kanina pa siya nakatayo sa tabi ng sasakyan niya. A huge part of him is telling himself to turn back, or maybe just run around in circles in the area para matauhan siya. But there's a persistent whisper in his head telling him to just go. Just this once.

Ngayon lang talaga.

If she tells him off, or he gets the hint that she wants to but is just not able to do it, he will back down. Completely.

The thought of that happening almost scared him into going back inside and taking back his proposed wager with the universe. He should stop fucking around with chance. He was lucky enough to have met her, to have been with her—in some sense of the word—for a while. He should not push it. He should not continue with his cheap gambling on chances.

But god, luck can be on his side again. And it's very hard not to take his chances when it's Nadi who's involved. He should just be smarter this time, and play his cards better. So even if his luck was not enough for his love to be received by the person he wants to give it to, he would have fewer regrets knowing that he did what he could with what he had.

Hindi siya mapakali when he arrives. He keeps looking around while getting his miles in on the treadmill. Himala ngang he did not injure himself with his lack of focus. He walks around when he's done, catching his breath, and trying his best not to creep out other people while he's looking for her. After showering, he spends an unusual amount of time sitting on the bench by the lockers. When she doesn't show up, he spends half an hour just waiting inside his car parked outside.

He keys the ignition. She's not coming. He doesn't know what that tells him.

He doesn't know if he feels relieved, because her not being here means that she can't give him the sign to leave her alone forever.

Or if he feels devastated, because after all, he just really wants to see her today.

♡

NADIA HEARS A familiar voice while she's checking her purchases right after paying at the supermarket. She brings her gaze up from her bag of groceries to the man suddenly standing right beside her. Something lodges in her throat as she takes in the view of the snug fit of his shirt against his chest and its white fabric brightening up his eyes—her heart, perhaps.

"I knew it was you," Eli says with a small smile on his lips, almost whispering as if he wants no one but himself to hear it.

Nadia blinks away the daze that comes with looking at him for a second longer than she should. She tightens her grip on her grocery bag, her only chance at anchoring herself to safety and keeping her feet on solid ground, or else she would have melted and matched the softness of his stare. Her brain turns to mush and she finds no words in it. "Huh?"

Like it's his life mission to catch her off-guard and test her limits, Eli widens his smile a little. She doesn't know if his voice is as mellow as she thinks it is, or if the dream-like haze from his eyes trying to cage her in is obscuring her perception. "Hi, Nadi."

She blinks at him silently for a couple more times. She finally snaps out of it when a stranger politely asks them to move out of the way.

Her eyebrows furrow. "Why are you here?" She's not supposed to see him. This is not the way she pictured the rest of her day to go. She spent about a hundred minutes in the darkness of the cinema earlier accepting that he was not around and that it was a sign that she should stop.

But now, he's here. Ano ba'ng dapat niyang isipin? What is this trying to tell her?

Does this encounter even mean anything? Or is this just another episode of her trying to assign meaning to things that she should no longer think about in the first place? She's even more confused now than earlier this morning, and she doesn't like it.

She wishes she felt the same about seeing him, but no. She would be lying to herself if she said that this doesn't feel nice, that she doesn't like it, that she's not delighted by the mere sight of him.

Because she does, despite the confusion. Despite the not knowing. Despite it not making any sense. Because why would her heart want something that does more damage than good?

Eli shrugs a shoulder. They start to walk out of the supermarket at an unusually slow rate. Nadia doesn't know if he's just trying to match her pace because he's being polite, or if he just wants to make this moment last as much as she does.

Mentally, she slaps both her cheeks. Ito na naman siya.

"I don't know. You tell me," he answers her question. The hint of sarcasm in his response earns him a glare from her, to which he only chuckles. The sound warms up her cheeks. "I'm joking."

She fails to avoid his gaze again. She clutches her grocery bag closer to her chest as if that's going to somehow protect her heart. At this point, she's going to take anything that can, even at the slightest bit, keep her safe, especially when he asks, "Is this too much of seeing me?"

He has tucked away the hint of playfulness earlier and his face is now set on neutral, like he's serious about his question and he's open to hearing any form of response. Still, she wants to toss on the floor the bag she's holding and hit him in the chest. Why would he even ask that? It's like he's making this difficult for her on purpose.

Is being honest always a good thing? Nadia's not certain, but some unknown force compels her to tell the truth, so she does. "No."

She knows this can get her hurt. She knows he can use this against her. But she continues to be honest. She just proceeds to lay her heart out again, practically handing it to him with a bow on top. "Once a week is okay . . ." The words escape her mouth without consulting her brain first.

"I think," she adds as if that's going to convince him that she no longer gives him the power to break her again.

He takes a huge step to get ahead of her, then turns around so he's walking backward and facing her. He's really out to get her with this amount of staring at her in the face.

"So . . ." The playful glint in his eyes comes back. "See you next week?"

Maybe it's a form of self-defense, but she rolls her eyes on reflex. He chuckles, but his laughter is cut short when he bumps on a push cart. 'Yan kasi. Di maglakad nang ayos. "Ewan ko sa 'yo."

He goes back to walking beside her, still craning his neck as if he cannot possibly speak to her without looking at her face. Nadia gathers her hair to the side of her face, a sad attempt at blocking his eyes and her view of him from her peripheral. "May kasama ka ba? Can I drive you home?"

"May dala 'ko car," she answers. "And I can handle myself," she adds. Hindi niya alam if she's telling that to him or she's reminding that herself.

"I know." She makes the mistake of glancing at him. That small smile on his face seems to be a permanent fixture now. "Just letting you know that I'm at your disposal."

She stammers, hanggang sa ang nasabi na lang niya ay, "Wow." If she were way younger and was not aware of men trying to hit on her, she would have been nothing but a blushing mess at naipahamak na lalo niya ang sarili niya kay Eli. But she's not naive, and she knows this is just . . . how he is. So she's able to recover, and quickly.

"Di kita pinilit, ha?" she adds, trying to seem unfazed by his supposedly harmless—wait, what does she even call this? Flirting? Is this just him 'being nice'?

"Completely voluntary," he replies swiftly, like he just has all the correct responses waiting to be said depending kung ano'ng sasabihin niya.

She just hugs her groceries closer to her chest. Eli being good at this and her crushing on him badly is not a good combination. "Ba'la ka nga d'yan."

"Can I at least carry your groceries for you?"

"Magaan lang naman 'to."

"We're headed in the same direction," he says, cocking his head on the way to the nearby exit.

"It's light nga lang," mas mariing sabi ni Nadia. "One box na 'yang dala mo o." She glances at the small box he's holding on his left hand with some strings. "If you wanted to bring more, sana madami ka pang binili."

"Ouch," Eli says, overdramatic. What she said was not that snappy. He chuckles, finally turning his gaze away from her. "Ang sungit."

"Ikaw kasi e. Bakit mo ba gustong magbuhat?"

"So I can have an excuse to show you my muscles."

Nadia lets out an audible gasp, na tinawanan lang ulit niyong isang hindi marunong mahiya. He always finds a way to catch her off-guard. Gusto niyang sabihin na no, hindi, she's not looking at his arm!

And if he really, really knew her, he would have known that it's either his chest or his thigh that distracts her the most—but that's not the point!

Before she can come up with a weak defense, bumawi naman ito agad. "Joke lang," he says with a small smile on his face after laughing. "I just like seeing you blush." She takes that as a cue to be all too aware of how warm her entire face feels.

"Akin na nga kasi," he says, snatching her grocery bag from her loosened hold while she's defenseless and too busy trying to calm herself down.

She chases after him as if she had put her heart inside that bag and he had just taken it away from her—for the third time.

♡

ELIAS GLANCES AT Nadi, trying to weigh how carefully he has to tread around her. Her arms are folded across her chest, almost as if she's trying not to take up space. Elias cannot figure out if he's one bad comment away from ruining this small encounter, or if he's doing just fine, and she's just . . . shy.

He clears his throat. Maybe he should start with talking about somethng safe. Kaysa naman manahimik na lang siya at hindi masulit 'to. "How's work?"

She has a brow arched when she looks at him, making him bite his tongue. "Talkative ka na?"

He gulps. Ah, fuck. He has turned into a bundle of nerves and he just hopes that it doesn't show on his face. His left hand has turned clammy and the string of the box he's holding keeps on slipping from his hold.

He's been with a handful of women before. Sure, not like this—not even close—but he usually knows what to say. Pero dito, parang wala siyang kaalam-alam. Parang nangangapa siya sa dilim.

He's afraid to get it wrong, at parang gusto na nga lang niyang magmakaawa kay Nadi na mag-usap muna sila kahit saglit lang. It doesn't even have to be about what happened between them, or anything about them at all. He would pay just to sit down and listen to her talk to him.

"Come on," he says and just prays that Nadi doesn't notice na walang ka-confi-confidence iyon. "Once a week na nga lang e." It's like he has all these cards he have already mastered playing, pero wala siyang maintindihan sa mga iyon now that it's Nadi sitting across him on the table.

Jesus. He's a mess. There's no other way to put it.

"Next week ko na a-answer."

A loud ping rings on his head. There goes an opening. "So . . ."

Pero hindi niya alam if he should take it. Hindi niya alam if he can even joke about it. He sifts through all his words in the dark, and just hopes that he picks the right ones.

Because if he gets this wrong, he's as good as dead.

"I'll see you next week nga?"

His heart flutters when her cheeks turn a familiar, pleasant shade of pink. "Ewan ko sa 'yo."

"Ikaw may sabi!"

"Shh!" She slaps his arm, seemingly involuntarily. The area that she touched tingles as it registers and memorizes her handprint. "By chance lang if ever."

That makes him pause. By chance. Ano ba iyong odds na he would see her today after not finding her at the gym? Maybe this is just a coincidence and not divine intervention, but it's a damn good one.

So why would he not hold onto the chance again? "I'll take my chances. I have very good luck, you know?"

Nadi tucks her hair behind her ear.

Who would not take a chance on that?

"Like today," he adds.

Nadi scrunches her nose. He bites the inside of his lower lip to stop himself from grinning. "Last mo na 'yan." She narrows her eyes at him as if giving him a warning. "It won't work next time."

That's a possibility, and he knows it. Pero hahayaan niya na lang ba iyon? "I can make it work."

"Di ka sure there," she counters with a deep frown on her face. Elias doesn't clarify that he's no longer in a playful banter with her. It's good enough for now that she's still comfortable around him. He won't do anything to jeopardize that.

"Yeah," he agrees in a low voice. She has a point. No one can really tell how this is going to end up. Unfortunately, he can only control so many things. "But I can try, right?"

She doesn't hear him, having been distracted by someone they come across with holding a big dog on a leash. When she looks at him again and asks what he just said, he just shakes his head and merely smiles at her.

He knows he can't tell her. Not yet. Not when she doesn't want to hear it.

But god, he wishes that she knows. Or, at the very least, she can feel it.

And that she knows it's true.

♡

a|n ♥ 50k wordcount mark for the narrative chapters 😆  ganun-ganun lang yun ??? hahahaha