#HeartboundWP

a|n ♥ good morning !!! x

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Day 2. | E/N

WALANG NAGAWA ANG pride ni Elias sa katawan niya. With a grunt, he curls back in his bed in the room his sister reserved for him in her house. His body is sore all over, probably from driving for more than three hours in the rain yesterday. He can't leave even if he wanted to.

Earlier, he wanted to tell Ate that he can go back to his unit and take care of himself, pero wala, tumiklop siya. He doesn't know if it's because he's too sick more than he would admit, or hindi lang talaga niya nakaugalian na kumontra at sumagot sa nakatatandang kapatid niya. So, now, he can't do anything but stay put and remind himself to eat or else he would receive an earful when Ate gets home.

He doesn't know why he messaged Ate last night. He could have just driven himself home. After all, the unit he shares with his cousins is nearer than Ate's house. Kyla would have asked him a ton of questions, but he could have just shut the door to his room and ignored all of it. Wala naman silang magagawa ni Zakarias kapag hindi siya umimik.

He doesn't know why he reached out to Ate, knowing that their relationship is not exactly in a good place for a few weeks now. He doesn't know what difference it makes, between sleeping here in this room that only exists because Ate had him in mind when the house was being built, and sleeping elsewhere. Kahit saan siya matulog, may sakit pa rin naman siya. It's so confusing to him how families work.

Elias knows he can't stay mad at her forever, and he doesn't want to. He has also considered that maybe he's being unfair to his sister who doesn't know anything about what happened between him and Serena. What he doesn't understand, though, is how Ate can keep being kind to their Dad.

Huh. Maybe he has it all wrong. Maybe he's not mad at his sister, but he's mad at the fact that she's not as angry as he is towards their father. She has every right to spite Dad, but she chooses not to. Elias remembers the violent words Dad hurled her way when they found out that she's pregnant with Zoa. Dad didn't exactly say that he's disowning her, but given the way he treated her for months, parang ganoon na rin ang nangyari. It was Mama who glued the family together. No wonder why they were in shambles immediately after she left home.

Families. So complicated.

Elias just woke up from a 30-minute nap after having breakfast. He wants to get up and study, knowing that skipping today's classes is going to cost him in the near future, but his eyelids refuse to stay up. He drags himself to the bathroom and takes a quick warm rinse, hoping that it will wake him up. He puts on a sweater, one of the few articles of clothing he has in his closet here, before curling back to bed.

He doesn't know what to do now that he's no longer sleepy, so he reaches for his phone again, and turns back to the bad habit that would take some time to unlearn. He goes searching for Nadi again, typing her name over and over on the message field, hitting the backspace button every time he's done. He's careful not to send her a message by mistake. Bakit pa? He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't have a reason to talk to her. Telling Nadi that he's messaging because he misses talking to her wouldn't be fair to her.

Sometime in the middle of composing messages and never sending them, his lids give up and he falls asleep. He wakes up again an hour past his lunch time. He goes downstairs to fix himself something to eat so he can drink his medicines. He can barely keep his eyes open but he still bothers to check if, by some miracle, Nadi sent him a message. She did not. She hasn't even read the last text he sent her.

Elias knows that he has better things to do, like letting his body rest and getting all the sleep he probably won't have again once he returns to class, but he stays cooped up in the dining area after cleaning up. He's guarding his notifications as if his life depended on it. He makes the mistake of clicking on Instagram.

The account he made for the chicken stuffed toy he got her for her birthday but returned the first time she walked away is just a little project. It was something he did to pass time. To get her attention, most of the time. It's something that built his harmless routine of taking pictures and posting them. It's something that reinforced his habit of thinking about her daily.

Elias stares at his profile for a long while, racking his brain on what he's going to do next. Eventually, his head starts to hurt. Sana pala natulog na lang siya. Sumasakit lang lalo ang ulo niya kaiisip.

He sighs, then shuts his eyes tight when his head starts to pulse. Nadi has made her decisions. Ganoon din siya. He's to blame why it's so fucked up now, why he's so fucked up now, and it's time that he accepts that. Whether his decisions were completely his, or were part of some twisted ploy by the universe that has never liked him ever since, he had a hand in the making of these circumstances. There was no otherworldly force that held him by the neck and stopped him from sorting out his feelings and telling her about it before. Those were all his. If these were all meant to happen, at the very least, he could have used his freedom to resist. But he didn't.

Before he loses the courage to do it, Elias quickly archives all the photos he has posted. He sets his account to private and gets to work. He doesn't let his eyes linger more than a second on any photo, doesn't give it time to render him paralyzed. He gets rid of everything—the photos, the account icon, the profile description, Nadi on his following and follower list. He fails on the last step which is to delete the account completely. The emotions get to him and he just can't bring himself to do it.

He goes to the photos on his phone. He taps hide on anything that has traces of Nadi in it—pictures of her, pictures with her, pictures that have something that she owns on the frame, pictures of things he thinks she would like, pictures that remind him of her, everything. Elias isn't really big on taking photos, and by the time he's done more than half of his total pictures has been set to hidden.

He goes to his contact lists. He thinks he should just delete her number, but like the earlier instances, he's a dash of courage too short. He couldn't delete his account. He couldn't delete her photos. These actions entail some sort of permanence in them, some form of commitment and acceptance to the fact that this is done, and that he should be over her. Well, unfortunately, he isn't. But he was able to do the most from what he's able to do now, and that's got to be worth something.

He stares at Nadi's contact details. Ilang beses na niyang sinubukang palitan ang pangalan nito pero hindi niya magawa. He likes the sound of Nadi rolling off his tongue. It feels wrong to set her name into something else. He's not able to stop himself from looking too long at her contact photo, and naturally he gets enchanted all over again, like it's the first time, so her contact photo stays.

Maybe tomorrow he can do more, but for now, these are enough.

♡

NADIA'S SHOULDERS SLIGHTLY shoot up to her ear when her workmates suddenly erupted into cheers. She takes her eyes off the restaurant menu she has been poring for the last ten minutes, and there by the door she sees the reason for their sudden noise. Dumating na ang boyfriend niyong isa nilang ka-work na hinihintay nila bago sila makapag-lunch. It's the first time someone from their small circle of four is introducing a partner.

"Hello," the man says, bashful, overwhelmed yata sa ingay na sumalubong sa kaniya. Nadia just smiles at him when he looks her way, while her two other workmates all introduce themselves. Hinayaan niya si Charm na nasa tabi niya ang magpakilala sa kaniya.

"Ano, 'te? Huhulaan namin pangalan niyan?" pabirong sabi ni Charm kay Marj. Nadi puts down the menu to pay attention after seeing Marj blush. Ito kasi ang pinakatahimik sa kanila.

"Magpakilala ka nga," Marj whispers, elbowing her boyfriend. Nadia wonders what their story is. She watches them lightly bicker about who's going to introduce who. Ang cute nila, Nadia thinks, looking at the matching shade of light red on the couple's cheeks.

"Uh . . ." Marj's boyfriend clears his throat. Umikot ang tingin niya sa kanilang tatlong nakaupo sa tapat nito. Nadia tries to show him the kindest smile she can give to ease his nerves. Parang manlalamon kasi sina Charm at Toni na nakaabang sa sasabihin niya kaya siguro lalo itong nahihiya.

Nadia's smile falls when he answers. It rings on her head, and she wonders if heard him wrong. "Ellis."

"Sorry?" Nadi says without thinking.

'Ellis' looks at Nadi. "Edris."

"Ah." The clarification washes her with relief. My gosh. Her heart thumps violently in her chest, and she feels like the only way to calm it down is to knock it with her fist, but she can't do that here so she just bears it. She brings back her smile. "Okay. Nice to meet you, Edris." She turns to Charm who's sitting beside her. "Order na tayo?"

After the waiter gets their order, Nadia excuses herself. She goes to the powder room, and there in front of the mirror she bangs on her chest a few times. She looks at her reflection incredulously. Seriously? It's just a name. It's not even his name, exactly. Nickname lang, tapos katunog lang at hindi pa eksakto.

Actually, scratch that. It's not even him. Sakali mang naging magkapangalan nga sila, ano naman? It's not like saying his name would automatically make him appear out of thin air.

She checks herself on the mirror, then takes a deep breath when she's sure she looks decent. She's okay. She's here, she's breathing, and she still has her heart with her. It's not exactly in pristine condition, but it's all patched up and healing, and most of the love that's inside it is for herself. She'll be fine.

She gets out of the restroom. Edris gets interviewed by Charm and Toni, and Nadia happily listens to all his answers and Marj's interruptions. He's still in his last year of college, delayed by two semesters because of some unfortunate events that happened in his sophomore year. He met Marj when he's working part time in a small hardware store in their area. They have been officially dating only for a year now.

Their orders arrive, cutting off Edris' stories. Toni brings up something about their latest client. Her words don't make it to Nadia's head. Her eyes are too busy stealing glances at the couple in front of her. Marj and Edris are whispering to each other, and Nadia notices the way Edris leans his body towards Marj whenever she has to tell him something. Nadia sees how Edris' eyes light up when Marj says something that makes her laugh. Nadia watches as Edris' cheeks turn a more vibrant shade of red when Marj wipes something off the corner of his lips.

Nadia's heart crawls up her throat, like it wants to get out and protest and whine on why she doesn't have that. She swallows to push it back down. It's okay. Maybe someday. She's fine being alone for now. And no matter how hard she searches for it, no matter how the mere mention of anything remotely related to him makes her want to burst, she just finds no regrets on the decision she made. She knows she'll be fine.

The universe seems to be challenging her conviction today. Nadia almost chokes on her food when Charm turns to look at her after noticing her unusual silence. "Ikaw? Wala ka bang ii-introduce?"

Nadia feels her cheeks burn. They saw Elias that one time he brought her food when he was trying to make it up to her. They probably remember it vividly kasi napagalitan din siya noon niyong senior nila, and they discreetly trash-talked him during their afternoon break while trying to make Nadia feel better. "Who? Wala."

Charm narrows her eyes at her. "E sino 'yong dati? Guwapo naman ng foodpanda mo."

That makes Nadia laugh. She doesn't say anything more. She only shrugs when Charm nudges her and adds, "Dalhin mo ulit next time. Siya naman kasabay natin mag-lunch."

That 'next time' is never coming and Nadia knows it. Her chest tightens, and she struggles to swallow her food.

Nadia's breathing gets better once they're out of the restaurant. Edris offers to drive them back, but he parked his car somewhere else, so they wait for him on the sidewalk. While waiting, Nadia notices the plants in front of the restaurant. The yellow bells catch her attention.

She looks up at the grayish sky, the clouds seemingly threatening to pour down rain, and wonders if it's just another way of the universe to challenge her conviction. A yellow bell. It's the first flower she received from him, on Valentine's Day. He stole it from the guard house on the gate nearest to her college's building. He was wearing a stud earring when he picked her up. He gifted her fan decks she still keeps in her drawers. She brought him highlighters. She drew a heart on vellum paper, and gave it to him, not realizing that it came with her real heart.

"Gora." Charm's voice pulls Nadia out of her reminiscing. Nginuso ni Charm ang bulaklak. "Bunutin mo na. Isa lang."

Nadia laughs at her suggestion.  She reaches for a yellow bell and carefully feels its petal between her fingers. She gives it one last look when Edris' car pulls over.

"Sabi sa 'yo dapat pinitas mo na e," Charm says over Nadia's her shoulder during their afternoon break, noticing her drawing on a pale yellow sticky note. Nadia drew the yellow bell from memory. The fingers holding it was a dead giveaway that it's not from her memory of when she saw it earlier outside the restaurant, but from her memory of more than seven months ago, on Valentine's Day.

Nadia dusts off her slacks when she's done with her cheese bread and hot chocolate. She gathers her things and heads back to her table. She peels her drawing off her pad of sticky notes, and debates on whether to crumple it and toss it on the bin underneath her desk or keep it.

She sighs. She cannot do anything about her memories. Besides, it's not like Nadia wants to forget those. Things may not be the same now, but it doesn't change the fact that she remembers being so happy that day.

So instead, she slaps it on her desk, just beside the base of her monitor screen. There's no getting rid of Elias from her memories. She just has to live with it, and hope that she'll be fine always having him there but no longer beside her.

♡