#HeartboundWP

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Day 17.2 | E

"KAYA PALA LATE . . ." Ate says, shaking her head, clicking her tongue, and feigning disappointment when Elias walks in the house. He merely laughs, running a hand over his hair that his sister is eyeing. "Dami-dami namang araw for that, bakit ngayon pa? Kanina ka pa hinahanap n'ong bata."

"I rushed here as fast as I could," he explains himself, placing a box wrapped in a shimmery pink wrapper on top of the table along with the other gifts for the birthday girl.

He checks his wristwatch. He's not that late. He made it here less than an hour after his last class, didn't he? Naunahan lang talaga siya nina Z, Ky, and Migs who's sitting on one corner and talking with a few of Zoa's friends who haven't gone home yet and with the birthday girl herself who's probably the one who placed that cheap tiara atop his head.

"Kumain ka na outside?" Ate asks.

Elias decides to follow her to the kitchen instead of walking up to Zoa, snatching that princess crown from Migs, and reclaiming his position as the best uncle. Nagmamadali talaga siya papunta rito pagkatapos magpagupit at hindi na kumain kahit kanina pa siya gutom. Besides, he knows that the house is going to be overflowing with food.

And he's right. He grabs a plate and the first food within his reach—which is whatever's left of the spaghetti after the kids from earlier almost wiped the tray clean. He takes a mouthful of the pasta before he pulls a chair to sit on while he eats at the kitchen counter.

Iiling-iling ang kapatid niya sa gilid niya habang pinagsasalin siya ng juice sa isang baso. "Ba't ngayon ka pa nagpagupit?" she asks, grabbing the chair next to him and sitting after wiping the rest of the counter clean.

Elias shrugs. Ano'ng sasabihin niya? Remember that girl I lost because of my, sabi mo, awful decisions? She told me that I need a haircut.

That basically made it a matter of life and death. Of course, I had to get it done immediately.

Even in his head that sounded pathetic.

He doesn't want to talk to his sister about Nadi. Not yet, at least. Alam niyang masesermonan siya, and he's getting enough of that from himself. He doesn't need more.

Elias doesn't flinch when his sister reaches out to touch the end of his eyebrow slit, her fingers following the path that extends to the fade of his hair. "At ano ba 'tong linya-linyang 'yan? Uso pa ba 'yan?"

He pauses on chewing. He turns to look at his sister who is creasing her forehead so hard that her brows are almost meeting. "Are you seriously policing my hair? I'm not Zozo," he says with an arched brow and a chuckle. Zo told (but more like complained to) him yesterday on their way home about Ate being so strict about her having her hair styled neatly at all times.

Ate sighs. When she doesn't say anything, Elias goes back to his food. He glances at her before taking his last spoonful of his spaghetti, catching her with a vacant look on her face.

He downs his glass of juice before clearing his throat. That gets Ate's attention. "May problema, Ate?"

Ate merely lets out another sigh. She stares at him in silence, before creasing her forehead again the same way she did earlier. "Ano ba 'yang kilay mo? Dumulas kamay ng barbero?"

Elias gives her a deadpan stare. "This is obviously not about—" he gestures on his eyebrow slit and his clean haircut that is nothing out of the ordinary and his sister cannot possibly have complaints about, "—is it? So ano? Tell me."

Ate just purses her lips and keeps silent. She grabs his plate and gets him a slice of cake before coming back down to sit beside him. "What did you get Zo?" she asks instead of answering his question.

He knows that whatever's bothering his sister has nothing to do about his birthday gift for his niece, but he takes the distraction bait, anyway. He's sure that he'll get the information he's after out of her before he leaves this party. "Shoes."

His answer makes her grimace. Tinawanan lang niya ang kapatid. What's wrong with getting Zo shoes? They're functional, and he made sure to get a design he's certain she'll find cute and be proud of showing to her friends. He even bought the pair that came with additional pink laces. He knows he's good at this gift-giving thing.

"Ang dami-dami nang sapatos niyang pamangkin mo. Octopus ba 'yan? Walo paa?"

He chuckles again. He refills his glass with juice and drinks up bago pa siya mabilaukan sa cake na kinakain niya. He's not spoiling the kid as excessively as his sister is making it out to be, or at least that's what he believes. "It's for her PE class. Sabi niya isa lang PE shoes niya at minsan ayaw niya n'un, so I got her another one para may pamalit siya."

Hindi umubra ang katuwiran niya kay Ate, like usual. "Pero hindi niya naman kailangan. Ibibili ko naman 'yon kung sira na ang sapatos, 'no. And she grows up fast, so saan ko ilalagay 'yan kapag maliit na sa paa niya?"

"Nabili ko na, Ate," he says dismissively. Ate rolls her eyes. "You want me to take it off the table and return it? E di umiyak 'yon si Zo."

"Kasi nga inii-spoil mo."

"It's her birthday." He stands up to bring his utensils to the sink.

"What about the dress you got her last time?"

Elias pauses. Ate arches a brow, as if challenging him to come up with a reasonable excuse for that spending. He shrugs. "Pre-birthday gift?" he answers, earning him a hard smack on the arm with the potholder within Ate's reach.

He goes back to sitting beside her when he's done with his dishes. He sees the uneasiness in his sister's eyes—the same one she has been trying so hard to mask earlier. Ate's gifted in so many ways, but the one skill she doesn't have is not showing her emotions on her face. Or maybe Elias just knows her too well, having been by her side for most of his life before her own family started to find a stable footing. "Seriously, Ate, are you going to tell me? Or are you going to hog me for yourself the whole time I'm here? Because I'm not going to Zo until you spit it out. So if the birthday girl gets mad, that's on you."

Sinimangutan siya ng kapatid. Ate props an elbow on the counter, resting her cheek on her closed fist, and still doesn't say anything. Elias turns his chair so he's facing the kitchen and his seat rests its back on the counter. "Magkaaway ba kayo ni Kuya?"

"Hay naku. Hindi."

"Then what?" He looks around, making sure that no one's within earshot. When he's sure that the kitchen's clear of other people, he leans back and whispers, "Sere?"

Ate clicks her tongue. "Hay naku," she grumbles. She hops off her seat and gets herself a glass of water. "Hay naku talaga, Elias Zuriel."

He knows she came. Nakita niya ang regalo nito kay Zo sa table kanina e. He has not seen Sere, yet, though. It's either she left early, or she was at the backyard when he arrived. He thinks those are her best options, anyway. There's no way she's staying inside the house where Z and Ky are. Or kung nasa loob man si Sere kanina, she probably ended up staying outside and away from Z and Ky when the two arrived earlier. Hindi alam ni Elias, but he knows that Ky has a way of making sure that the people she dislikes find no comfort when she's around, so there's that.

"It's not your birthday, Ate," he reminds her. Whatever he has against Serena, hindi niya kailangang idamay si Zoa roon. He's expecting his sister to do the same, but maybe it's different for her because Zo's her daughter, so to a certain extent, she has a say on whom her kid can and cannot be friends with.

"Bawal mainis? Bahay ko kaya 'to?"

He lets out a short laugh. That's a good point, too. So, fine, hindi na niya sisitahin ang kapatid. "Just . . ." It feels wrong to tell her sister what to do at her own home and around her kid, but he does it anyway, "Don't be mean to her in front of Zo."

"Bakit ba nagkaganito?" she asks, sitting back down on her chair. "E di ba ikaw nga 'yung hindi makontrol dati? Nanggagalaiti ka ro'n sa tao kaya napagsasabihan kita. Ba't palit na tayo? Di ba nga dapat sabay na tayong galit?"

His eyebrows furrow for a moment, having realized that just now. It's like his anger was stored inside the words that tell the story about what happened with Se. And when he finally released them, his anger transferred to the people who listened.

He's trying to figure out what to say next when someone pops in the kitchen.

Speak of the ex-girlfriend, and she shall appear. The apprehension could not be more visible in Serena's entire body. She hesitates to take another step forward when he catches her eye. She ends up just staying on her spot. Nangangapa ang tingin nito kay Ate sa tabi ni Elias na wala namang kaalam-alam na nandito siya.

Elias glances at his sister, tilting his head to Serena's direction to wordlessly tell her that someone else has joined them in the kitchen. Ate's brows snap together almost immediately at the sight of her, but doesn't say anything, so it's all good. This is as good as it can get, anyway.

"Hanap ka ni Zo," Sere manages to tell him.

He stands up from his seat. He eyes Ate in a way to tell her to behave, but she merely rolls her eyes at him.

"Okay," he tells Se.

"U—Una na po 'ko, Ate," Serena says to his sister who now has her back on them, obviously walang balak to acknowledge anyone who's telling her anything.

He sighs. "Kay Kuya ka na magpaalam," he whispers to Serena on his way out of the kitchen.

He goes to find Zoa. Hindi naman iyon naging mahirap especially that she's also already looking for him. He finds her with her brows knit together, her right hand on her hip, and her left arm carrying Chikoon around. There's a birthday hat with its string wrapped around her right wrist.

He pretends not to notice the sour look on her face when he crouches and beams at her. He reaches for her to pull her closer. "Happy birthday, baby."

"You're late," nagmamaldita nitong sabi. Her eyes scan his figure in a way that makes him forget that he's six-feet-four, in a way that he should feel small and ashamed that he missed most of her party. "You're late po."

Elias wants to defend himself and say he's not, but he figures that if there's anyone who can tell him that he's late, iyong celebrant iyon. So he just nods while he takes the birthday hat she's offering from her wrist. "I know. I'm so sorry."

He puts the hat on. Zoa reaches to adjust it in his head when he's finished.

"Kausap ko si Mommy mo sa kitchen and I had to eat a little," he says with his head down so she can fix its placement more properly. "Ikaw? What did you eat?"

"Madami," she answers, pointing to the waistband of her dress that's now hugging her tightly. "My gifts?"

Elias blinks. Oh, shit. Did he promise to give her two gifts? Can't the left shoe count as one and the right as another? "I got you one. Nasa table," he says. "I'll get you another next month. Mapapagalitan ako ni Ate kung dalawa binigay ko sa 'yo now." Does that still count as a lie? In his defense, there's a high possibility of that happening.

Zo pouts, but nods. Elias gets up and sits on the couch behind them. He gives Chikoon the side-eye when Zo places it in between them when she sits.

"Picture!" Migs yells, just coming in from outside, waving his phone around. Zo hops off from the couch, grabbing Chikoon, and rushes to Elias' lap. He immediately fluffs the skirt of her dress, and scoops her closer when he's done. There will come a time when her birthday would no longer involve a fluffy skirt and a glitter dress, and birthday hats and toy crowns. Sinusulit na niya kasi matagal pa naman iyon. Sana.

Zoa jumps off his lap to see the pictures on Migs' phone when they're done, just in time for Elias to notice Serena exiting the house. He gets up to drop a quick kiss on Zoa's cheek. "Babalik ako. May gagawin lang si Tito," he says so quickly, not letting Zo reply because he's sure that the kid won't let him go.

Elias follows Serena outside. His heavy footsteps click loudly against the path in the front porch, making her turn to look at him. He notices the way her fingers tighten around her phone she's holding, and how her eyes scan everything around her but him.

He stops in front of her. This is probably going to be their first conversation in more than half a decade that can be considered normal.

"How are you going home?" he asks.

He doesn't like that he knows she's nervous, with the way her fingers are fiddling with the buttons on the side of her phone—a habit she has had since they were way younger. Ang tagal-tagal na, alam niya, but it's not like everything you know about a person is kept in a folder in your head that you can just simply delete when you no longer want that person in your life. It's a very cruel design, but he handles this cruelty much better now because he doesn't feel like lashing out despite knowing that there are bits of her that his mind still clearly remembers.

Because these bits are no longer important. It just so happens that he still knows them, which is no surprise. She's his first girlfriend, after all.

Sere fixes the strap of her bag on her shoulders, eyes still avoiding him. "Magpapasundo," she says, turning her body away and jerking her thumb towards the open gates.

"Here?" He has no plans of driving her home, but he can invite her in to wait inside. He can extend that much courtesy. Madilim na rin kasi sa labas.

She shakes her head. "No, pero d'yan lang sa malapit. Five minutes away siguro."

He nods. "Let's go. I'll walk you there."

Her eyes widen in alarm. What? It's not like he's going to push her in front of a moving car.

"'Wag na!" she exclaims, denying his offer vehemently. "Nasa daan na rin naman si V—" She purses her lips, then lowers her eyes on her shoes before she can spill out her boyfriend's name as if it's a big secret not known to any man.

Elias pockets his hands. He knows that she's still dating the guy she cheated on him with. He cannot say that he's happy for them. He's not even qualified to make that evaluation because he just doesn't care anymore. He doesn't remember speaking a word with that guy. He cannot even recall his face.

They both fall silent. When it seems like she's not planning on protesting again dahil hindi na yata nakabangon sa hiya, Elias takes a step ahead of her outside. To be honest, he doesn't know why he's doing this. He refused to play nice in the last five years, so why does he bother to switch it up now?

Tama ba ang naisip niya kanina? Did sharing his side of the story lead to his anger transferring to the people whom he shared it with? Maybe all the years of acting out whenever Sere's around was just a product of his frustration on not being able to broadcast his pain.

Taken out of context, that sounds a bit childish. He's a grown man, not a kid barely having any form of emotional regulation and only able to communicate through crying or being angry. He could have just told people about it way earlier, sure, but that only sounds easy in theory and not in practice.

He thinks that he should feel bad about it—having treated her terribly after their break-up, along with the resulting arguments he had with his sister and his friends about his behavior—but he doesn't. Does that make him a bad person?

He argues that his previous reactions were warranted, because his experience was horrible. It's horrible that Sere did him wrong and no one else knew about it. The feeling festered in his heart, and it's unfair that he's rotting in silence while she just . . . continued to live her life normally. Baka nga guilt-free pa. Or maybe she enjoyed pretending that nothing happened, or not volunteering that information to the people close to their relationship, because it benefitted her.

Hindi alam ni Elias, honestly. He avoided her like the plague when they broke up. After getting in a fight with Miguel, thinking that his accusations against Sere were baseless, he confronted her about it. When she did not bother to deny him of the truth, he just metaphorically packed all his bags from their relationship and left. He never looked back. He was too busy with everything that's going on with his family to consider that.

He did not even ask her why it happened, why she did all that she did, and until now he has no plans to. He doesn't owe her anything, and that includes lightening her mental and emotional load. Baka nga hindi naman siya guilt-free. Maybe the guilt has actually been gnawing on her insides since forever, given that she's a close friend of the family and they have been all treating her nice until now.

He doesn't care enough to know. At sakali mang Serena can't find peace, he doesn't think it's his problem for him to worry about it. Maybe he's acting differently now—just a tad bit nicer—but therapy doesn't magically transform him into a saint. He's not aspiring to be one, anyway.

Does he want her to suffer?

He stops by the neighborhood gazebo when Serena calls out his name and tells him na doon na siya susunduin. He turns to look at her, staring at her for an unusual amount of time to get his answers. Does he want her to suffer the same fate? Does he want her to experience something worse so they can call it even?

He sighs and brings his eyes up to the starless sky when he comes up with nothing. No amount of staring at her and reminding himself of what she did can give him definite answers.

He just . . . doesn't care enough to stay mad. It's all the same to him whether she ends up marrying Vince or some other guy, or if she and Vince end up in a horrible break up. Instead of answers, ang paulit-ulit lang niyang naririnig sa isip niya ay: So what?

Does that mean that he has forgiven her for what she did? Mas lalong wala siyang sagot doon. But if that's the case, he would never let her know. Letting her wonder if he's still harboring anger for what she did is his payback. That, along with her being so obviously uncomfortable to be around him. He's surprised that the buttons on the side of her phone haven't been broken yet with all her constant pressing.

The least she can do is live with guilt and that discomfort. She can always pretend that nothing happened in front of other people, but there will always be something inside her to haunt and remind her of what she did. There's no running away from those.

Maliwanag naman sa gazebo. There are still a few people walking around the neighborhood, and the guard house is just a few meters away and even within sight, so there's nothing that makes Elias feel bad about a woman here alone. "Okay. Thanks for coming to Zo's birthday," he says before walking away, not letting her say anything, not even a goodbye.

He remembers not telling anyone about what happened because everyone around him liked her, which was no surprise to him. He liked Sere, too. So much. His decision to stay silent was made at a time when he still cared about her despite her cheating. His friends became her friends, too, and he would have felt bad if people started taking sides. But honestly, having told people about it now, with them taking his side? It feels nice, and he's not going to deny that. It's like whatever he had felt that he had kept hidden for so long was finally validated.

He stops in front of Ate's house. His older sister is right.

It wasn't his fault.

He knows he wasn't the perfect boyfriend. He was also young and sometimes stupid. But it wasn't his fault that Sere did not want him when he started having all these problems with his family, that he almost only had time for her in the few minutes that he allowed himself to rest. It was not his fault that she chose the way out that she chose, and that her methods hurt him.

That's probably what makes this all the more difficult. He wanted it to be his fault so he could fix things.

But it just wasn't.

"Tito?"

He lowers his eyes from the nearby lamppost to his niece who's standing just by the gates. Bitbit nito ang regalo niya at nakasimangot na naman. His eyebrows furrow. What is she doing outside? And more importantly, why is the birthday girl frowning?

"Ba't nasa labas ka? Where are your friends?" he asks, grabbing her hand and walking with her back inside.

"Nasa kitchen sila all. I'm tired. Ayaw ko na mag-eat," she answers. Her grip on his hand tightens when she looks up at him, her frown deeper now. "Sa'n ka galing po?"

"Just outside," Elias replies. "Bakit mo dala 'yang gift ko? Mag-oopen ka na?"

"I want to see this lang," she says, leading him to the back door and out the yard. Elias sits on the garden chair when Zoa lets go of his hand. She sets the box on his lap and he holds it stable, while she undoes the ribbon and peels the tapes off the wrapper.

"Tito."

"Yes?" He reaches for his handkerchief on the front pocket of his pants. Zozo continues unwrapping her present while he wiped the sweat off her forehead.

"I'm sad," she looks up to meet his eyes, "that Tita Nadi's not here."

Napatigil si Elias sa ginagawa. He balls his handkerchief on his fist and sighs. He looks around the backyard, just to check if anyone's listening in on their conversation. If he could choose one person to be honest with when it comes to matters on Nadi, itong bata na iyon. Her innocence bars her from making judgments all the adults are capable of.

"Me, too," he whispers. He reaches for her hand, making her pause on what she's doing. "Pero you're still happy, right? You enjoyed today?"

Zozo nods, much to his relief. He wouldn't be able to leave if she answered the opposite. It's his duty to make sure she's happy on her birthday.

After a minute, she gives up on neatly getting rid of the gift wrap and ends up tearing through the material. "Are you no longer friends?"

"We're friends," he says a little too quickly. He mentally shakes his head to himself. Bakit ba parang may pinatutunayan siya sa bata? He stands up and lets Zo take the chair. He sits on one knee and gives her a hand on removing the wrapper. "Just . . . less."

Her eyebrows furrow. "Tito Migs told me na she greeted me happy birthday. They are more friends now?"

He takes the bigger portion of the discarded gift wrapper and folds it. Zoa gasps at the sight of the shoebox before quickly opening it. Elias cleans up after her, making sure na walang pakalat-kalat na wrappers or box fillers dahil pareho silang mapapagalitan ni Ate.

Elias shakes his head to her question. "No." Hindi niya alam kung bakit niya ba pinaglalaban sa pamangkin iyon. He takes off Zoa's sandals and gets one of the outdoor shoes from the box and slides it on her foot.

"Maybe it's because you're always busy," she says, making his forehead crease. What does she mean by that? She merely tilts her head when he meets his questioning eyes. "You have to make time for you to be more friends ulit."

Elias brings his gaze back to her shoes, lacing them up after putting both of them on her feet. "Tito is . . . giving it time."

"What does that mean?"

The innocence in her tone makes him laugh. He grabs her sandals and puts them in the box of her new pair of shoes.

He stands and steps aside, making way for Zoa who hops off the chair and runs around, putting her new shoes to the test. He sits down on the chair and watches her run around for a few minutes before stopping in front of him.

"It kinda hurts. Kaunti po," she tells him with a frown. Elias gets off the chair and crouches in front of her to inspect her feet. He's certain that he got the right size.

"I think you just need socks," he says after checking around her ankle and heels. Sakto lang naman iyong allowance for socks that aren't too thick. But he sees a bit of redness on the back of her ankles. "Lagyan natin band-aid 'yan bago magsugat. Wear your sandals muna."

Zoa obviously doesn't like the suggestion, evidenced by her frown coming back to her lips, but ends up following his order kasi masakit nga raw. She's still sporting that frown when they go back inside the house and up to her room so he can patch her small wound up. Zoa ends up wearing her house slippers after dahil sumasabit iyong ankle strap ng sandals niya sa bagong lagay lang na band-aids.

"Can I wear it sa Thursday?" she asks beside him. They're sitting on her bed and she's watching him be busy on trying to soften up the material around the ankle of the shoes and break it in by pressing on it with his palm and fingers.

"Maglalaro ba kayo?" he asks. Zoa nods. "Then, no. It's going to hurt your feet. Hindi ka makakalaro." He missed it earlier, but the shoe bite on the back of right foot was pretty bad, meaning she can't run with this pair on just yet.

"What do I do?"

He pauses. He looks at Zoa and sighs when he sees her in a sullen pout. He offers her a tight-lipped smile when she catches him looking. "What I told you earlier. Give it time."

"Then I can try again?"

That pulls a genuine smile from him.

He nods. "Of course. Kapag okay na." He puts the new shoes back on its box and tucks it under her bed. "Kapag puwede na."