#HeartboundWP

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Day 12 | E

DAHIL NAGDESISYON SIYANG sumaglit sa drive-thru, and he had to deal with Ky who held him up after class to interrogate him on where he's headed off to, Elias arrives at the hospital a few minutes past 7 p.m.. Medyo late na sa napag-usapan nila ni Ate. Dapat nga kahapon pa 'to pero di sila natuloy because his backlogs beat him up to death. She assures him over text that it's fine and that he's just in time. She had just finished a walk-in consultation with a patient.

Elias finds her in the cafeteria, sitting on one of the round tables just beside the glass walls, busy on her phone. He clears his throat. "Hi," he greets in a low voice, hesitant like he's 15 again and unsure on how to tell Ate that he somehow got in trouble at school. He doesn't know how to talk to her after disappearing over the weekend. It shouldn't be this easy to reach out and reconnect, right?

Ate looks up from her phone, brows shooting upwards as she takes in his presence. She chucks her phone in her bag, stands, and wraps him in a hug without warning. Elias doesn't know what to do with his arms, initially. When he finally allows himself to just receive the hug like a normal person, he sets down the bag of takeouts on the table and hugs her back, patting her on the shoulder to assure her that he's here, he's okay, and he's not leaving.

"I brought food," he says the second Ate lets him go. He takes the seat across hers. "I figured you haven't had dinner yet."

"Thanks . . . ." Ate replies, but it doesn't seem that whatever Elias said actually got inside her head because she's too busy watching him. Staring. She shakes her head and Elias pretends not to see how she quickly wiped the tears forming on the corner of her eye with her finger. "Oo nga e," she adds, voice shaky. There's only one thing going inside his head as Elias takes the boxes out of the bag: Please don't cry. "Late pa naman kami nagdi-dinner sa bahay. Gutom na ako."

"Kain na." Elias hands her the disposables and refuses to look her in the eye. He has this gut feel that tells him she's going to bawl her eyes out if he were to do that. Thankfully, Ate doesn't cry. Elias wouldn't have known what to do to her if that happened, or what to do with his guilt after.

"I called a colleague," Ate says in the middle of their dinner. "Then he called someone else to see the earliest appointment you can get. Hindi pa nagte-text ulit sa 'kin."

"Okay." Elias nods. Shit. He makes the mistake of looking her in the eye when he lifts his gaze from his food. She doesn't cry, but she gives him a sad smile that is somehow worse.

She laughs weakly when she breaks eye contact to continue with her food. "Could have told you through the phone, 'no? Di na dapat kita pinapunta rito. Na-traffic ka pa."

Alam na ni Elias iyon two days ago when he asked for help and she told him to see her. Appointments can be done online or through calls, at tama rin naman si Ate na she could have just texted him his appointment details once it has been secured. He didn't need to go here, but he did, because he wanted to. And he knows that Ate just wants to see him after what happened. She's not asking for too much kaya pinagbigyan na niya—anything to assure her that he's fine.

"That's okay," Elias says with a shrug. He changes the topic. "How's Zo? After . . . last week?"

Ate sighs. "She's okay. Umiyak lalo when you left, but—" The image of his niece forms a knife and stabs Elias straight to the heart. "—she's okay. She just asked what happened. Napakalma naman ng Kuya mo no'ng gabi. Ayun, balik naman sa normal no'ng umaga. And Dad—" Elias sees how she quickly shuts her mouth and eyes him warily, like she's worried that she just said something that she shouldn't. He just nods at her, urging her to continue. He's not going anywhere. He's staying here. "He did an okay job, I think, on explaining. Just told her na adults have misunderstandings sometimes." What happened was nowhere near a misunderstanding, but he doesn't say anything because as much as hates to admit, he would have explained it to Zo in the same manner. How else would you put it? She's a kid. "So, they yell. He assured her that you'd come back. That's what Zo's most worried about e."

Not when he's still there, he won't. Elias keeps his opposition to himself, and stirs the conversation to a different lane. "And she's on social media now?"

Ate rolls her eyes, which tells Elias that that wasn't her idea. "Oo, but it's monitored. Hayaan mo na. Gustong kausap ang classmates e." She sighs. "Elias."

"What?"

"How about you?"

Elias furrows his brows. "I am not active on social media," he jokes. "And I don't like talking to my classmates." He succeeds in getting his sister to laugh.

When that fades, though, she's back again with that sad smile of hers that can easily break his heart into a million pieces. "Where have you been? Sa'n ka pumunta?"

Elias takes a deep breath. He . . . doesn't really want to say. One, he doesn't want to get Migs in trouble for lying regarding his whereabouts. And two, he just doesn't feel like . . . sharing it. He just wants that information for himself. He doesn't want to need that place anymore, but just in case he does again, he doesn't want anyone knowing. "Just somewhere."

Ate doesn't look satisfied with his answer, but she lets it go with a sigh. "Okay. Just make sure it won't cause you harm, okay?" He nods. "And if you can, don't . . . don't do it again, please?"

Panic makes his heart race upon hearing Ate's voice break again. And this time, she isn't fast enough to dry the tears before it rolls off her cheeks. Nagmamadali si Elias na kumuha ng tissue from the bag where their takeouts came from, but Ate was quicker on grabbing his hand and holding it firm.

Elias can do nothing but sigh and rummage in his pocket with his free hand to get her a handkerchief. Fuck. There's no weight greater than the guilt he's feeling right now. "I'm so sorry—"

"It's okay," she croaks, letting go of his hand and trying to laugh before searching her handbag for her own handkerchief. She dries her cheeks and the side of her eyes, sniffing. "I was just—" Elias pushes a bottle of water from their takeout bag to her side when she starts to hiccup. Ate takes it. "—scared," she finishes before gulping it down.

"Kasi, di ba? You know what happened with Mama. Sometimes I just wonder if—if she really got into an accident that night, paano na? We could have—we could have lost her. Really lost her. Just gone, El—"

"She's okay," he cuts her off before she goes into places she shouldn't. She doesn't have anything to worry about because none of those happened. "She's here."

"I know! Pero—pero muntik na, di ba? That could have—That could have happened to you! I don't know!"

Elias doesn't say anything. He understands. That incident from seven years ago scarred them both, but apparently scarred them differently. He never knew how it was for her because he was caught up in his own feelings, and understandably so.

"Sorry," Ate says, calming down. "I was just scared that you'll get into the same accident. Tapos di ka sumasagot, so, ewan, it was hard not to imagine the worst."

He remains quiet. He silently cleans up their table, while Ate's still trying to even her breathing. "Just . . . don't pull something like that again. You need to tell me na you're alive somewhere."

"Okay." He nods. "Ate, please stop crying. I seriously don't know what to do."

That makes Ate laugh. Genuinely, this time. Elias hands her his bottled water when she finishes hers, then he stands up to buy another two from the counter. When he comes back, he asks, "How are you?"

Ate's forehead creases, like she wasn't expecting that question, or maybe she's confused on what exactly he meant. "Fine. Manageable week, so far. Also, kumukulit na si Zo, but we can handle her."

"Do you miss Mama?"

There goes the sad smile again. "Ikaw?"

"Always," he answers, nodding. "Sometimes I feel guilty for not visiting her more often."

"Paano pa ako?" she asks, squeezing the empty water bottle on her hand. Elias wants to tell her that it's fine because she's busy with work and her family, but decides against it. His instincts tell him that that's going to make her cry again.

He rummages his head for what to say next, but his sister beats him to it, "She wasn't there, you know?"

"Where?"

"When I had Zo. I mean, minsan nando'n siya, but . . ." She sighs. "I understand because I know she's ill, and I know she already feels bad not trusting herself to be alone with a newborn, but it's just really sad. And she had to leave before Zo can even turn one." Ate's eyes turn glassy again, and Elias has to avert his gaze and watch the cars passing by from the glass windows so his wouldn't do the same. "I wanted a mom, El. I needed a mom to tell me how to be one, pero wala. And it's no one's fault, but at that time it just really felt so sad.

"Nand'yan si Tita, I know," she adds, referring to Kuya Alison's mother. "But I wanted my mom. I needed Mama. And she's just . . . not there. And no one can do anything about it." She lets out a soft chuckle. "I'm just happy you were there. I'm convinced na if you could breastfeed Zo, ginawa mo na." That makes Elias look at her again. The crease in his forehead makes her laugh louder. "What? You were like an all-around help."

"What about now? Do you need help?"

Ate gives him a soft smile. She reaches again for his hand from across the table. "No. I'm okay. I had all the help I needed before." She pauses. "I know it's like praising a fish for knowing how to swim, but, I think the reason why I can never turn Dad away is because he got me help when I had Postpartum."

Elias feels like a bucket of ice was dropped on his head. He had no idea. He's aware of how hard it was for her, witnessed how she stretched herself thin between being a new mother and an intern to a first year resident. He doesn't even remember her taking a break. Hindi niya alam if it were because she was just pressured to pursue her studies without stopping because of Dad, or the pressure was coming from herself. Iyong tipong she had always done so well that she has learned to bludgeon herself into maintaining that performance streak, even at the expense of hurting herself or not spending enough time with her daughter.

Ate has always been the smarter one between the two of them. She's the textbook golden child who was admitted to school at an earlier age than usual and has managed to maintain meaningful relationships even while in med school. It probably explains Dad's behavior when he found out that she's pregnant, but still doesn't excuse it. Elias knew that Mama's situation made things hard for her as it did with him, but he never knew that it was that bad for her. She never told him. Or maybe she tried to, but he's too preoccupied to listen.

"Ate, hindi ko alam. I'm so sorry—"

"No, no, no," Ate cuts him off, shaking her head. "You had Zo when I didn't feel like she's safe with me. That's more than enough." She gives his hand a firm squeeze. "And I'm just thankful na you asked me for help now. Makabawi naman ako sa 'yo."

Ate's phone pings, which makes her let go of his hand. Elias watches her look for it inside her handbag. She seems okay now, and she had just told him that she's fine, pero hindi mapigilan ni Elias na pagdudahan iyon dahil baka hindi lang ito nagsasabi, at siya naman, mahina pa ring makapansin. He can't believe that his sister went through that without him knowing.

"Nagtatanong si Ali kung sila lang ni Zo ang magdi-dinner," Ate says, fingers flying over the phone. "Sabi ko daddy-daughter date muna sila."

Elias sighs. "I should have taken you to a proper dinner." They have time. At minsan lang ito mangyari, sayang ang opportunity. And after knowing what he had just known, taking his sister out to dinner is the least he can do for her.

Ate arches a brow. "This is a proper dinner. 'Wag ka nga." She keeps her phone in her bag. "Iba naman pag-usapan natin. Anyone special?"

His eyebrows snap together. Where did that question come from? He wants to tell her to talk about something else, but he still feels bad about his ignorance about her situation years ago, so he decides against it. This is going to be a short conversation, anyway. There's nothing to talk about now, so might as well entertain her. "Wala na 'yon."

Ate slumps against her chair, not bothering to hide her disappointment. "She's so pretty!"

Elias nods. "I know." He stills remembers the path his eyes follow whenever he scans the moles on her face.

"Is she smart?"

He smiles unknowingly. "Topped the boards." He retracts his hand, brings it to his side, when Ate suddenly smacks it on top of the table. "What?"

Hindi niya masisi ang kapatid sa reaksiyon nito. Hell, he wanted to punch his own face in after she walked away for the second time. "What did you do?"

Elias sighs. What did he not do? "Just . . . awful timing."

"And awful decisions, too, I'm guessing."

That makes him laugh. Tumunog ulit ang phone ni Ate, saving him from a longer conversation about Nadi. "Hey . . . you got your schedule," she says, showing him her phone for a second. "Saturday at 9 a.m. sounds good?"

He has a lot of catching up to do at school, but there are more important things. He nods. "I'll be there." 

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