#HeartboundWP

a|n ♥ this is my attempt on writing shorter chapters (pls i need to re-learn this T_T). coincides with hb part 1, chapter 112. like all the others, this is the first draft of this story. 

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Day 0 | N

NADIA KNOWS SHE shouldn't, but that had never stopped her before, so she lets herself be comfortable in Elias' arms. His arm hugging her over the covers is heavy, but she has already gotten so familiar with the weight to the point of needing it, so she doesn't say anything.

But she still has an ounce of self-control, and she has finally made up her mind on what she wants and doesn't, so she's able to stop herself from turning her head to look closely at his face even if this were the last time she would be able to do it. Alam niyang siya rin ang mahihirapan mamaya. Alam niyang kapag ginawa niya iyon, lalo lang siyang mahihirapang hindi isipin si Elias kapag wala siyang ginagawa.

Besides, she knows that she has already memorized his face a hundred times. She doesn't want to make things worse for herself. Ayaw na niya. Tama na.

That question from Louis last night was her cue to reassess her choices. L is a nice guy who asked her out on a date, and his dinner invitation was a brick flying out of nowhere that hit her hard on the head. She couldn't bring herself to say yes, not because she was worried rejecting him wouldn't be such a nice thing to do, but because she simply did not want to. Ayaw niya, kaya humindi siya.

Rejecting L is the unbalanced force that pulled her out of her current natural tendency, which is to settle with Elias in this unnamed relationship na siya na ang nag-initiate the second time around. Sure, sometimes it's confusing and it drives her frustrated, but it also makes her so happy that she refuses to let go of it.

He makes her happy. She refuses to let go of him.

Despite this not being exactly the thing that she wants, she has already learned to tuck behind the secluded part of her head the fact she wants more than this. She minimizes this into a question of whether she's happy or not, and she is, so may kailangan pa bang baguhin?

But rejecting L pushed her to confront what she truly wants and doesn't. While waiting for Elias to pick her up, she realizes a few things: that she likes Elias and cannot do anything about it for now, that she doesn't want to be in a relationship as of the moment, that Elias also doesn't want to commit to a relationship, and that she's happy . . .

But also that there's a chance that she can be happier elsewhere.

Elias could also be happier elsewhere. She knows he doesn't do real dates, let alone committed relationships. It doesn't make sense na he's staying in this . . . half-relationship, half-not. Why do something you don't want? Kahit pa sabihing he's only doing things halfway, it's still doing things he does not want to do. Why not just not do it completely?

This—whatever they're doing—is pointless. Nadia knows that she doesn't want to date, so what the hell is she doing being in this situation that falls in between being in a relationship and not? She doesn't even need this.

She has already made up her mind and has determined her place in the scale. She has no business staying in the middle. It's either she goes away, or she tries to get the courage and ask him to try despite knowing how unfavorably he would respond.

But, actually, the latter is no longer an option. She does not want to be in a relationship—whether it's with Elias or someone else. It's not about him potentially rejecting her and breaking her heart again—it's about her just not wanting it anymore.

It is an unfortunate truth that she still likes Elias, but her silver lining is that that is enough. She's content with liking him and doesn't deny her soft heart of these feelings, but she's smart enough to know that she doesn't have to stay here—wherever this is. Liking him and leaving whatever is going on between them are not mutually exclusive things, and she's tough enough to do what she thinks is best for herself.

She has learned that the hard way, but at least she's learning.

Natatauhan na siya, but habits are designed to die hard and this is no exception kahit na she already knows what she should and shouldn't do. She cannot deny how comfortable it is to be beside him, to be held by him as if she's going to fall off the ledge kahit na marami pa naman talagang espasyo sa kama.

It's puzzling how Elias can make things built on shaky ground feel so secure. How can he make her feel safe and secure despite her knowing that whatever this is is not designed to last?

She feels his breath on her nape, and she struggles to keep still. A second later, she's reminded how he's not meant to stay when he rolls off the bed and leaves her alone in the room. She waits, just in case he comes back, and when she's sure that he wouldn't, she gets his pillow and gives it a tight hug. Last na talaga, promise. She convinces herself that it's harmless.

Nadia gets off the bed. She knows there's no stopping this inevitable end, so she drags herself across the room to fix herself up. She takes her time. Inayos niya muna ang pinaghigaan nila bago ang sarili niya. She stares at the bathroom tiles for a long while before taking a shower. She spends minutes thinking on whether to bring home the toothbrush he got for her. She leaves it there when she steps out of the shower, but ends up snatching it from its holder after she gets dressed. Wala namang pagggamitan niyon si Elias. Walang dahilan para iwan niya iyon dito.

She towel-dries her hair. She spends minutes looking around the room as if she's looking for something but doesn't know what. She ignores the weight in her chest after making sure that her things are all packed and ready to go with her.

Pagbukas niya ng pinto, bumungad sa kaniya si Elias na mukhang kakatok pa lang. Nadia swallows the lump in her throat upon seeing him up close—matapos niyang iwas-iwasan gawin iyon kanina. It's as if the universe is trying to catch her by surprise and test if she can really do this. Parang sinusubukan ang kabuoan ng loob niya.

His hair is still a bit messy, as if he just combed it with his damp fingers after washing his face when he got up earlier. Humahaba na ang buhok ni Elias at sigurado si Nadia na a haircut would do him good.

She tries her best to stand her ground when he meets her eyes. He gazes at her as if it's his personal mission to make her stay. Or maybe Nadia's making that up. Hindi na niya alam.

"Breakfast ka muna?" he asks in a low voice, almost a whisper. Hesitant. Hopeful.

Sumimple si Nadia ng buntonghininga. She looks at his face a little longer than she should. Last na. Please, last na.

Saying no would have been the better option, but she nods. It's not because she's afraid to give him a no, but because she wants to say yes. Gusto niyang sabay silang mag-breakfast. This is not like the last time when the ending was messy. They can share a meal, and she's sure that she would still want to leave afterwards. Sigurado si Nadia sa gusto niya; a breakfast would not change that.

It's okay. She knows she'll be fine. It won't take an hour.

Nakahain na sa mesa. All she has to do is take her seat. Tahimik sila parehas. She wants to strike a conversation, kasi 'okay' naman sila, but she suddenly doesn't know how to. She wants them to be friends, pero hindi niya alam kung paano iyon mangyayari ngayong kung umakto nga sila ay parang hindi magkakilala. As if she didn't fall asleep on his chest last night. As if he didn't have his limbs around her the whole night up until earlier this morning.

Hinintay lang ni Nadia na maimis ni Elias ang kusina bago tumayo. She needs to go.

"Thank you."

Elias looks over his shoulder while drying his hands on the towel looped on the refrigerator handle. She catches him glancing at her bag for a moment before bringing his eyes back to her face. "You're going home?"

"Yup." Nadia nods before breaking eye contact to go to the rack to put her shoes on, and also just to stop herself from getting lost in his gaze. She can feel his eyes boring holes on her back while she's strapping her sandals.

She checks her phone for her ride when she's done. Malapit na ang driver.

"Can I drive you home?"

Wala sa plano ni Nadia na linguinin ulit si Elias; she knows it's not doing her any good. But of course, knowing what she wants and what she has to do doesn't necessarily mean that it would just come easy.

She sighs. "No."

Elias just blinks at her rejection.

Then, they just stare at each other.

Those few minutes with no words exchanged felt like it stretched for hours.

The ping from Nadia's phone cuts through the air thick with tension. Nadia quickly sends a message to the driver before slipping her phone in her pocket. This is it. She's really going.

And she's not coming back.

"Nasa baba na 'yung b-in-ook ko," Nadia adds, ignoring the incessant heavy pounding on her chest. "Sorry."

Elias nods and gets the door for her. "It's okay."

He's showing her the way out. For a second, hesitation crosses her mind.

Nadia wonders if there's a better way to do this. Should she give him a hug? Should she tell him that he can message her anytime he needs anything? Why is this awkward? Is there still anything that needs to be said?

Her worries dissipate when his lips curl into a smile. She's reminded that despite everything, he was nice to her. He made her happy. "Bye, Nadi."

Nadia returns his smile but steps out of his unit without another word said. She quietly bears the weight on her heart on the ride home. She smiles at her reflection in the elevator mirrors on the way to the unit she shares with her younger sister, a futile attempt on reassuring herself that she would be just fine.

In the hallways, she walks fast, eager to get home and attend to what feels like a ticking time bomb strapped on her chest. She doesn't even notice that she has been holding her breath until she gets inside their unit.

"O? Bakit ngayon ka lang?"

Nadia goes back to holding her breath, like that's the key to not setting the bomb off in front of Yanyan. Her younger sister has a wallet on one hand and a book on the other. She's wearing Nadia's old hoodie over her pajamas. Mukhang may balak lumabas. Hindi in-expect ni Nadia na maaga-aga itong magigising ngayon.

"Hi," Nadia greets her with a wide smile.

Her heart races when Yanyan furrows her brows.

Kilala niya ang kapatid niya. That curious look on her sister's face is not something she wants to deal with right now. Yanyan is going to ask kung ano'ng ginawa niya kagabi o kung ano'ng nangyari sa kaniya ngayong umaga.

Pero hindi niya kayang tumanggap ng mga tanong. Hindi ngayon. Kaya inunahan niya na ito bago pa makapagsalita ulit, "Good morning. Bili kang breakfast? Kumain na kasi ako sa labas."

Yanyan eases her forehead, then nods. Hindi pa rin siya hinayaan ni Nadia na magsalita. "Okay. Balik ka before lunch, ha?" She gets out of the way and lets Yanyan get to the door. If her sister doesn't leave, she would have no choice but to just drag her out of the unit because she needs to be alone.

Much to Nadia's relief, umalis si Yanyan nang walang tanong-tanong o sabi-sabi. Nadia rushes to the bedroom, then tosses her bag on the floor. She locks the door behind her when she gets to the bathroom. She finally allows the weight on her chest to settle, and it pulls her down to sit on the cold floor.

She tries to fight it, but there's no stopping a time-bomb that has been set into motion right after she packed all her things from his place.

It detonates.

And she cries, and cries, and cries.

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