I feel happy

The light bubbly feeling in my chest
As I smile a smile so wide it hurts my cheeks
The fuzziness that fills my aching heart
And covers up the voices inside

They make me feel happy
Each and every day

Every smile I see
Every laugh I hear
Everything they do makes me feel happy

But...

If I'm so happy then why does my chest ache
It feels as if someone is crushing it
Killing me from both inside
And out

Why do I ache as if I'm being set I'm fire

Maybe it's the happiness that's hurting me

Is it because I don't deserve it?
What have I done to deserve such a fate?

I don't understand
Why my heart aches

Like it was broken

Maybe I'm just being paranoid?
Stupid?

What is it?
What does life want from me?
Hasn't it taken enough?

. . .

Maybe it's because I'm lonely
No matter who I'm around
I'm always lonely
And scared
And alone...

The feeling only ever goes away
When they are near me
Only then do I feel happy
Loved
Complete

But I rarely see them
They live far away
So I spend year after year
Lonely
My only relief being in the day dreams

When they visit during the summer
I want to cry
Because I feel so happy
The happiness I have been craving
For so long

I love them
So
So much

No amount of words will ever be able to explain
How much I truly love them

And so,, here we are
Them downstairs
And me up here
Dying again

I don't know why I do it
Be alone even when they are here
It's strange

I hate it and yet
I do it anyways

I don't know

So
I shall leave this here
I don't know why I wrote this
But it's here now

Goodnight and...

Goodbye.