Mother 

Guilt

I feel so much guilt

All the things you do

all the time you spend

and I pay you back like this

I'm too scared to say it

because I know you

and you will begin a speech

about

how you understand and accept my apology but

there's always that but

I'm going to say it here instead

in this message you will never read

in this apology you will never accept

in this unsent letter

Two things

and I will start with the easier

I'm sorry

You love me around the universe

and this is how I respond?

I curl into my shell, my bed, and growl

I disgust myself

but I never stop

and "I'm sorry" is meant to mean I won't do it again

but I still do

the second one is harder

I love you

no matter what I say

no matter what I scream

no matter what I whisper at night where no one can hear me

I love you

more than I ever have

or ever will

love anyone else

I wish I had the courage

to send this

but it is an unsent letter

it has to stay unsent

Maybe

I can tell you

for real

-me