1981

Padfoot

I lean over the crib, glancing at Harry again, like any time before except for the dread permeating the room because of the reason for my visit. Only a year old, and already he looks just like both his parents. He has James' jet black hair, impossible to tame, and when he's awake, he looks out on the world with Lily's beautiful green eyes. He looks so peaceful, now. I still can't imagine what has to be wrong with a person to send him after a little boy this innocent, bent on killing him at all costs...

"Sirius, are you about ready?" James asks. I turn to look at him, his arm around Lily's shoulders. He looks as though he hasn't slept in weeks. I only hope that once this spell's over and done with, he and Lily can rest a little easier knowing that they're safe in their best friend's hands.

Peter's sitting on their sofa, looking altogether uncertain why I asked him to come. He's been a nervous wreck lately, and I can hardly blame him. He's showing on the outside what all of us are feeling on the inside. Lord Voldemort's growing stronger and stronger, and now Dumbledore tells us he's after Harry. The world has become a scary place.

I've been thinking long and hard about this, and I have a sort of plan. James is watching me curiously, wearily, waiting for me to say something, so I decide it's time to tell him. "I think you should make Peter your Secret Keeper." All three of them look startled, but none so much as Peter. The blood has drained from his face. Lily and James cast a sidelong glance his way.

"M—me?" he asks. He seems to be thinking very hard.

"Don't worry," I tell him. "We won't tell the others. Everyone will still think I'm the Secret Keeper, and they'll come after me. Then, even if anything happens to me, it doesn't matter. Peter's still protecting your whereabouts." I don't explain all the reasons behind my sudden decision to switch with Peter. More importantly... but I think of Remus, and the bottom of my stomach drops out.

"Only Dumbledore and Remus know you're going to be the Secret Keeper," Lily says quietly, watching me with those green eyes of hers. She's always been able to see right through me—through all of us. "So there's no reason for you to switch... unless you think one of them is his spy." That special emphasis on 'his' spy—Lily refuses to resort to saying He Who Must Not Be Named, but she's not fool enough to say his name aloud, either. And of course she sees right through me, straight to my fears. The thought of Dumbledore being the spy is, of course, ridiculous... and that leaves Remus. That's her reasoning. I arrived at the conclusion by a different line of reasoning, but she's right.

I still feel like I'm betraying him, though, by thinking that. It's been over a year since the fight, but I still feel loyal to him. I can't just tell her she's right. Instead I say, "I'm the obvious choice. Everyone knows James and I are best friends. They'll expect me to be able to find you, at least, but maybe they won't suspect Peter." I look over at Wormtail; he doesn't look offended, and I'm glad. I don't mean it badly. No, he looks lost in thought, pallid with fear. "I'll be like a decoy."

Lily isn't fooled, but James nods and says, "Okay. We'll make Peter the Secret Keeper, then, if he's willing." He looks over at Peter. Neither of us really expects Wormtail to refuse, though I could understand him being scared at first. In the end he'll agree. He always does.

"Of... of course," Peter says. It still sounds like he's uncertain. He runs a hand back through his blond hair, his eyes flicking between the three of us. For some reason, he reminds me intensely of the rat he chose as his Animagus form at this moment. "I'll do it."

I turn back to the crib, glancing down at baby Harry. He stirs in his sleep, turning on his side and putting his hand up to his face, his fingers curled against the side of his nose. I shake my head to myself. I still can't believe that someone would want to kill him. Even worse, I can't believe Remus would be a part of it.

I hear Lily's clear, gentle voice from behind me. "James, Peter, why don't you go in the other room and get that over with? Sirius and I will stay with Harry." James and Peter don't reply aloud, but I hear them leave the room, their footsteps loud in the silence. After a moment, I hear Lily walk up behind me, and I feel her hand on my back. "What makes you think it's Remus?" she asks gently.

I appreciate that she's leaving James and Peter out of this. I can talk to Lily about Remus. She was the first one to know about us, and she never gave us any sign that she minded our relationship or was even unpleasantly surprised when she found out. I think she's always known that it's natural for us, and she never thought there was anything wrong with it. Not like some of the people who've found out about us. Not that James and Peter aren't understanding. It's just always easy to talk to Lily. She has a way about her that makes anyone feel comfortable.

I don't reply for a long moment, but finally I turn away from Harry's crib, going to sit down on the sofa. Lily sits next to me, propping her knees up against the back of the sofa and curling her feet up beneath her as she pulls that colorful hair of hers out of her face. "You remember that fight we had?" I ask her, thinking back to it and biting the inside of my cheek.

She gives me a concerned look and nods slowly. "You still haven't forgiven each other after that?" she asks. "That was back when James and I got married!"

I nod. "He was always so upset about James and I being best friends, and he blew up after the wedding. He was really angry." Understatement. I remember what happened; You never said so much as one word to me the entire wedding! And me, I was best man! I was with James! I don't remember Remus being angrier. You didn't even notice I was there! You wouldn't have cared if I didn't show up.

"You've had fights before," Lily points out. "Every couple does. What made this one different?"

"I don't know," I reply honestly. "It was the same for me, it's Remus who's been different. That's what makes me think... Well, I mean, I'd be glad to make up... I miss him," I tell her miserably. "And I feel awful for it, thinking he's the spy and missing him at the same time."

She smiles sadly, putting a hand on my arm, and assures me, "Even if he is, Sirius, that's not the Remus you're missing. It's the old Remus."

I nod mutely, putting my elbows on my knees and leaning forward, supporting my head with my fingers twined through my hair. I stare blankly at the floor, scuffing my booted foot over the hardwood.

"Don't worry," Lily murmurs, sitting up and putting an arm over my back. She leans forward, pulling at my hand until I'm looking at her. "I'm sure it isn't him any more than it's you. We've known Remus too long."

"Then who is it?" I ask, my tone dead and hopeless. "There's no one else, is there?"

* * *

I can see the smoking ruins before I ever get there, and my heart stops. I can't believe it—Lily and James—it isn't real. I'll get there, and they'll be waiting for me... scared, maybe, and horrified at the destruction of their home, but safe. I can see Lily now, baby Harry bundled in her arms.

The roar of the motorcycle cuts off as I land, and it feels strange having my hair fall loosely around my face again instead of being blown back by the wind. I get off the motorcycle, taking in the ruins of the house, and I can feel my chest tighten. I can't believe this is real. I'm shaking, and I know the blood has to have drained from my face. I move closer to the ruins, hardly daring to breathe.

A hulking shape looms from the ruins, carrying a bundle in its arms. It, too, is shaking. I can hear a distinctive muffled sobbing, and I realize who it is: Rubeus Hagrid. I stumble over to him and ask, "Hagrid... They're alright, aren't they? Please?"

He sees me, realizing who I am, and shakes his head miserably. He holds out the bundle, and I see baby Harry nestled inside. "Bastard killed 'em both. On'y little Harry survived."

For a moment, I can't feel anything past the shock. Lily and James... gone... It seems like the world has stopped spinning. Tomorrow the sun won't rise. No, it can't be. But the world comes spinning back into focus when I realize that at least Harry is left—ironically, the very one Lord Voldemort was after, and he's the only one to survive. And I'm his godfather. Someone has to take care of him now. "Hagrid, I—I'll take him, I'm his godfather."

He shakes his head again, this time determined. "Dumbledore tol' me t'bring Harry straight t'him."

I nod; Dumbledore will know best how to protect Harry, for the moment. And anyway, there's only one way this could have happened to Lily and James, and that's if Peter told where they were hiding. And I'm the only one who knows that. I have to go after the bastard. I nod distractedly to Hagrid and tell him, "You can take my motorcycle." I nod to it; Hagrid needs it more than me. He isn't supposed to use magic. "I won't need it," I add grimly.

Hagrid nods appreciatively and starts for the flying motorcycle. I don't stay to see him off; I pull out my wand, Apparating straight to Peter's house. There's no guaranteeing he'll be there, but it's a start.

I appear in the living room, and I immediately hear sounds and muttering coming from the direction of Peter's room. I keep my wand ready, moving as quietly as I can toward the door to his bedroom; it's slightly ajar, and I can see his shadow against the wall through the crack of the doorway. I think he's throwing things hastily into bags. Coward—packing to run.

I reach the door, holding my breath and slowly, carefully beginning to shoulder it open. My heart stops when it creaks. I can see Peter. His head shoots up, looking at me with a startled, frozen expression. "S—Sirius!" he says, sounding exactly like the rat he is.

My first instinct sneaking up on him had been to curse him before he could get a chance to run away, but seeing that traitor face... Hate boils up in me. "Lily and James, Peter. How could you? How could you?! What are you getting from Voldemort, hm? I hope it's worth betraying your friends, because the deepest parts of hell are reserved for people like you." I can feel bile rising in the back of my throat. We've trusted Peter for years—we've been his friends. We would have done anything for him!

"Sirius, you don't understand—" But he stops, and I see him raise his wand. Before he can cast the curse, I duck aside, ending up back in the hallway. I hear it whiz past my head, and then I lurch back into the room just in time to see him scrambling out the French doors leading to the backyard of his home. I race after him, wand up and ready, only to find him heading into the Muggle town he lives in the outskirts of, the place beginning to stir in the early morning. The sun is still low in the sky, the colors of dawn still a memory in the east.

I don't dare try to curse him carelessly with stray Muggles wandering about, but I chase close after him, keeping my eyes out for an opening. I'm breathless, and it has more to do with how angry I am than with how fast I'm running. Peter was always slower than James and me, but he's using speed I never knew he had. He must realize his life is in the balance, because if I catch him, I'll kill him, I will...

But I can't, no one knows I wasn't the Secret Keeper—and I'm not like that—am I? No. I'm not, I'm not. But I have to catch him. I'll bring him to Dumbledore—he'll know what to do with the little rat.

Peter begins to slow, and I can tell he's running out of strength. It's nearly over. Once he tires, I'll have him. For James and Lily. I put on an extra burst of speed, my hair streaming behind me, and clutch my wand. My chest is throbbing.

But Peter is smarter than I give him credit for. Just when I think he's let himself get cornered, he veers onto a side street full of Muggles—at least a dozen of them. I slow to a stop, glaring at him. I can see on his face that he has something planned. He looks desperate—it's a last-ditch attempt—but he has something.

I watch, transfixed with horror, as he severs his own finger—the index finger of his right hand. "James and Lily, Sirius—how could you?" he says loudly as he throws it almost imperceptibly in my direction, moving his hands more quickly than I ever would have guessed he could. Only then do I realize that this is for show. And I can do nothing but watch as he points his wand behind his back, destroying the street behind him—staring Muggles and all—with a single curse and morphing into a rat. He escapes into a gutter in the chaos, and I stand stunned.

And then, with all the destruction and devastation around, I find myself laughing. Hysterically. I can't believe it. All this time, I've been worried that Remus was the spy, and I handed James and Lily over to Voldemort's spy on a silver platter.

I laugh... even as Ministry wizards swarm around me... I laugh... but it's out of despair.

* * *

Moony

By the time I see it, Ministry wizards have been crawling over it for hours, searching what's left of the ruins from top to bottom. I know there's nothing left to find. But still I wend aimlessly through the wreckage of James and Lily's house, taking it all in with unseeing eyes, everything bleak and lifeless. I was the last to know. I didn't even know they had already made Sirius their Secret Keeper. My heart twists into knots... And I push thought away. All thought.

The house is obliterated. It hardly seems real even that Harry survived, but I know he did. I didn't get to see him, but it's not as if I would question Dumbledore's word. Everything is unrecognizable. I can see James and Lily dying in my mind's eye, and I try to block it out, but it won't go away.

I hardly notice Dumbledore is near, watching me walk through the ruins, stepping over the rubble of walls and furniture. But when he speaks, I stop, listening silently. "I'm afraid there's nothing to find, Remus."

I turn slowly to look at him, and my mouth forms the question I've been blocking out of my mind. "Did he really do this? Sirius couldn't—he wouldn't have—never—"

"He was their Secret Keeper," Dumbledore says quietly. "The Ministry found him just as he was tracking down Peter. Witnesses say he blew up Peter, along with the entire street behind him, and thirteen Muggles... I'm sorry, Remus."

I bite my lower lip. I already knew, but hearing it again seems to make it real. I blink back tears. All three of my best friends, and Lily, who I was as close to as any of the Marauders... all of them gone in the span of a day. All of them. I have no one left.

I force myself to think of other things. Numbly, I ask, "Will Harry be okay?"

Dumbledore nods, his blue eyes glinting sympathetically. "He is with family, as I told you. They will raise him until he is of age to go to Hogwarts."

I nod mutely. A breeze stirs the air, winding its way through the ruin of James and Lily's house, lifting my hair and playing through Dumbledore's long white beard. He watches me much as Lily might have, waiting for me to find my own time to speak. At length, I murmur, "I should go. Thank you, Dumbledore."

He gives me a single slow nod, and I can't help noticing that the air around him is more gloomy and depressed than it has ever been. He always seems irrepressibly hopeful and bright, but not now.

I turn away, glancing over the ruins a final time as I take out my wand. Dimly, thoughtlessly, I Apparate home. When the familiar setting comes into focus around me, I drop wearily onto the nearest seat, the stool by the kitchen island. I put my elbows on the island, pressing my forehead against its cool surface. I let my forearms rest over the back of my head, my hair tickling against my skin.

I've just lost all the people closest to me. James and Peter, my best friends. Lily, who I often felt closer to than even James, and who could listen to anything I had to say seriously. And Sirius, who I still love, still miss, in spite of everything.

Am I betraying James, Lily, and Peter's memory?

But I can't help it. My heart aches for all of them. Sirius most of all. I admit it with no small amount of guilt. I haven't been close to him in over a year. And now he's gone. I'll never have that chance again.

He's in Azkaban. He's a traitor. He killed Peter, a dozen Muggles, and he as good as killed James and Lily—he helped try to kill Harry, an innocent child.

But I miss him. I want him. And I mourn him as much as the rest.

In my head, Lily's voice echoes as clearly as if she's here with me.

It's okay, Remus. I understand. We... understand.  

&&&&&

Thank you for reading! One of the things I found hardest for this story was thinking about what might have come between Sirius and Remus so thoroughly that Sirius might think Remus is a spy for Voldemort. I didn't get a chance to get into it fully this chapter, but my thoughts are that after the fight at the wedding, Remus began to distance himself. He's a werewolf after all, and getting out into the world after Hogwarts he's beginning to realize how difficult it is to get jobs and the like. Even after he gets over their fight, he keeps his distance. He doesn't want to hold Sirius back.