Tuesday, February 5 (Sixth Year)

Moony

I can't believe it. James wouldn't lie to me, especially not about something like this but... it can't be true. Fog muffles my thoughts as I walk toward the castle. James and Peter keep a few paces behind me, giving me space. My feet crunch over the old snow. The wind is chill, turning my cheeks red, but I ignore it.

How? How could Sirius do this? I don't want to face him, or anyone. I want to hide away in the Shrieking Shack and never return to the castle. I'm afraid of the scared but excited faces, pointing fingers at me. I know it'll be that way. Werewolves are terrifying. I am one, so I understand just how terrifying they really are—we werewolves, we're even worse than wizards fear.

"Remus?" Peter asks hesitantly. He's worried for me, I can tell. So is James. Sirius is missing—he doesn't care, not even enough to face me and tell me how little I matter to him. I can't believe that he would betray me like this. I thought he was at least my friend, even if James was always more important to him than me, but friends don't just tell your worst enemy your deepest secret.

"I know you're upset, Moony," James tells me. "Not that it makes it okay... but I really think Sirius didn't mean to do this. I think he's sorry."

"He didn't mean for Snape to find out I'm a werewolf," I reply flatly, "so he told him how to get into the Shrieking Shack during the full moon." My voice begins to rise both in volume and in pitch: "Oh, I suppose you're right, he just wanted me to kill Snape so I'd be kicked out of school! Perfect for him, two birds with one stone—he gets rid of both of us at once!"

"I'm sure he just wasn't thinking—"

I just laugh. Not thinking? It sounds to me like he was thinking perfectly clearly. I just wish he would have told me he hated me instead of trying to get me expelled. I would have left him alone.

"G'morning, lads!" Hagrid's distinctive voice cuts through the chill morning air as we pass near his hut. "What're yeh doin' out so early?" I glance toward him out of habit; he's standing in his doorway, and his new puppy is bounding around his hut energetically, barking at piles of snow. The young black dog makes me think painfully of what Sirius might have looked like in Animagus form when he was little, and I look away, letting James and Peter greet Hagrid.

"Morning," Peter says, sounding slightly depressed and sullen.

"Just out for some air," James answers Hagrid's question rather weakly.

He looks suspicious, but nods. "Alrigh', then—come visit me sometime, will yeh?"

Peter and James agree half-heartedly, but I don't even attempt to reply. Peter waves to Hagrid, and we continue up to the castle in silence.

I can see my breath in the air, but my blood's so heated by anger that it doesn't surprise me. Despite that, by the time we reach the steps leading up to the castle my legs are nearly numb. I can't believe Sirius would do this to me. I thought I meant more to him than that... But I don't know where I got that idea. Probably he never cared about me at all. I'm just nice to have around because I'm a werewolf. Maybe I was just an excuse to become Animagi illegally, and to roam Hogsmeade at night. I guess that's all I ever was to Sirius.

"Remus, what are you doing?" James asks quietly.

I realize I've stopped in front of the castle doors. I'm just staring at them blankly. I blink and shake my head, turning to look at James, but I don't reply. He looks very worried. At least he cares, I guess. He opens the castle doors and waits for me to enter first. I hesitate a second, but then I bow my head and step into the castle. I can hear the noisy chatter of students in the Great Hall, and there's a steady trickle of them leaving to head to classes; breakfast is nearly over.

"Come on, Moony, let's get to class," James murmurs, tapping my arm with the back of his hand as if to be sure I'm listening.

"I don't feel like it," I reply quietly.

James seems surprised for a moment, but then he nods. "Okay. I'll tell Professor McGonagall you aren't feeling well—she'll understand." She's one of the few professors who knows about... my condition. I shake my head bitterly. Looking slightly confused, James asks, "Alright?"

"Thanks," I murmur. "I'll see you later."

I head up the marble staircase for Gryffindor Tower without bothering to spare James and Peter a second look. I pass several small groups of students headed to class on the way, but I don't pause to say hello or even acknowledge them. It takes forever to make it to the Fat Lady's portrait, but I hardly notice, even when I arrive.

"Planning on standing there all day?" the Fat Lady asks.

I look up, murmur the password, and ignore her slight huff as the portrait swings forward and I slip through the portrait hole.

I make my way automatically up to the sixth year dormitory and open the door. I'm greeted by the sight of Sirius pacing the dormitory floor, and I freeze, my breath catching in my throat. James might have thought I didn't want to go to class because I don't want to face a school almost certainly buzzing with the news of my secret, and he's partly right... but more than that, I didn't want to face Sirius.

So much for that.

He reaches the end of the room and turns to pace back toward the door, sees me, and stops in his tracks. "Remus..." he breathes. Then, strained: "What... what are you doing—I mean, I thought you'd go to class..."

"Avoiding me, too, then." It slips out before I've even thought, before my anger's had time to boil up. But now it has; I can feel a flush flooding furiously up my neck to color my face, and I grit my teeth.

"No—well, yes, but... I didn't think you'd want to see me..."

"And I'd want to face a class of people staring at me because I'm a werewolf?" I glare at him, breathing hard.

"I'm sorry, Remus," he murmurs softly. "I know I shouldn't have. I wasn't thinking. I... I know that's no excuse. I feel horrible."

I can tell he means it, and it makes me even angrier. Why can't he be properly swaggering and careless so that I can beat him senseless and not feel guilty later? I snort. "You feel horrible?" I want to make him miserable. Like he's made me. "I'm the one you betrayed. I'm the one the whole school's going to be talking about. When the parents find out... I'll be kicked out, you know. No one'll want their children going to school with a werewolf."

He slumps down on a bed, cradling his face in his hands. His voice comes out muffled by his fingers. "I'm sorry."

My stomach lurches; I feel guilty for making him feel bad. I sink down on the opposite bed—Peter's—and stare at nothing for a long while. My anger begins to burn away. I feel awful still, but the rage has gone, at least for the most part.

I hear Sirius get up and walk toward me, and the bed shifts as he sits next to me. "I didn't think about what I was doing," he murmurs. "I could just see the look on his face when he came face to face with a werewolf. He would have been terrified. I was stupid... I told Peter, and he told James, and James came to me... He thought, or he hoped, I was just joking with Peter. But I wasn't. He was furious. He yelled at me, and then ran to stop Snape, and then I realized... but that was a little too late, wasn't it?"

I look over at him. I'm not sure why he's telling me all this, or if he expects a reply. I answer anyway. "Yes, it was."

"Do you hate me, now?"

I laugh—I can't help it. It seems ridiculous hearing Sirius ask that question. "Do you hate me?" I ask in return.

"Of course not," he replies softly. "I was stupid. I care about you, too much to do something this stupid, and I don't know... I'm not sure how it happened."

"You just hate Snape more than you care about me."

He makes a curious noise in the back of his throat. I look over at him—he looks as horrible as I feel. "No, Remus, you know me, I'm just... I don't think sometimes... I mean... Snape is nothing to me, not like you, I just..." He trails off, slowly meeting my eyes. They're gray, deep, heart-wrenching, as much like a wounded puppy now as ever—I start to look away, but he stops me, repeating, "Do you hate me now?"

"No." My heart throbs painfully in my chest—I can hardly bear to look at him. James was the one who cared. He stopped Snape, though I can't remember it. But Sirius is more important to me. I never realized it until I thought I lost him, or never had him in the first place. "I'd never... I was just... angry."

He bites his lip, hesitating, and then pulls me into a hug. "I know. I deserve it." His breath tickles my ear.

"I forgive you," I murmur. My heart aches. Maybe later, facing the school, I won't feel so forgiving, but right now Sirius is the only thing that matters. I pull back to look him in the eye.

He leans toward me, his eyes flickering, but stops when I can feel his breath mingling with mine. My heart jumps, and I instinctively close the distance between our mouths, my breathing shallow and quick. I've never really kissed anyone, but this feels right—warm, soft, and sticky. Sirius takes over, and I can tell he knows what he's doing far better than I do. The rhythm is easy, natural to pick up on, though... and soon I'm not thinking anything. I'm lost, like nothing else exists or matters but this moment.

Sirius pulls away, and the loss of contact stuns me. I open my eyes and look at him, but he's standing, almost stumbling away. "Sirius—"

He turns back to me and says, "Not right now, Remus. Wait... wait until you see everyone else. The school." His gray eyes are glittering with something I don't quite understand, but the reminder of the school, my secret, twists my stomach in knots. Or maybe that's the fear that I'm being rejected. But I nod, and he leaves.

* * *

I can't believe it, but Snape apparently hasn't breathed a word about my secret. By the end of afternoon classes, I still haven't had anyone ask me about being a werewolf, or point at me and whisper fearfully, or otherwise show that they see me in any way out of the ordinary.

"I don't understand it," James says. "I mean, I'm glad, of course... but honestly, I expected the whole school to know. Of course, he might always use it as blackmail, or he might just be waiting..." He glances at me apologetically, but I don't mind. I've been thinking the same things.

"I think if he was going to say anything, he would have by now," I tell him honestly. "And he can't really use it as blackmail, I don't think. Dumbledore wouldn't let him, would he?"

"I don't think so," James says.

"Do we really need to talk about it?" Lily asks softly. "This is all new to me, anyway—I just found out about Remus two weeks ago, and then Sirius"—she obviously hasn't forgiven him, even if I have—"tells Snape... I'm just glad things worked out for you, Remus."

"Thank you," I murmur, smiling faintly. Honestly, I can't stop worrying over Sirius, and why he's been avoiding me all day, even though there hasn't been a whisper of anyone knowing my secret. I feel almost guilty, as if I've done something I shouldn't have or something to make him not want to be around me.

Maybe James will have some advice. I start to ask him something—anything—but I begin to blush furiously at the thought, and change my tack. I don't need to mention Sirius. "James... I... er... I think I may like someone, a friend, but I don't want to... I don't know..."

He raises an eyebrow at me quizzically and asks, "What, Moony?" He pushes his glasses up on the bridge of his nose, watching me.

"Er... nothing, never mind," I say hurriedly, changing my mind. I suddenly remember what Sirius said about not being able to talk to James seriously, turning things into jokes. I don't want that. "It's nothing, really."

James looks suspicious, but he returns his attention to his Potions homework, twirling his quill idly between his fingers. He leans over his parchment, resting an elbow on the table and twining his fingers in his messy black hair. I look over at Lily helplessly, and she smiles, tucking her red hair behind one ear. "Remus, you want to go sit by the fire? I think we're distracting James."

I nod a little uncertainly—I can tell she wants to talk more than let James concentrate. I've been getting to know her; she and James are always together now, and though I'm not sure if they're actually a couple yet, I'm certain something is happening between them. She's become a part of us Marauders' daily routine, and we know her nearly as well as we do each other in some ways.

Lily sits on a couch near the fire, curling her legs up on the cushion and motioning for me to sit beside her. I glance back at James first, but he's busy working. I realize that he and Lily really have something between them at this, because he trusts her completely, not worried that she's off with another guy. I sit beside her on the couch, leaning against the arm opposite hers.

"Is there someone you're interested in?" she asks. She doesn't sound nosy. I can tell that she genuinely wants to help if she can.

"A friend," I reply slightly uncertainly. She watches me with steady green eyes, waiting patiently for me to continue on my own time. "I'm a little worried that I might have made him—I mean..." Lily's eyes widen a little, and I attempt weakly, "Her, I meant..."

She puts her fingers against her lower lip, watching me silently for a moment. Finally, she says softly, "He or she, what's the problem?"

Relief washes over me, and I know she can tell. A smile pulls at the corner of her mouth, but she doesn't say anything. "I just... I think I made him uncomfortable. He's kind of... avoiding me. And I'm worried."

Now she looks surprised. "It's Sirius, isn't it? Even after what he did?" she asks, and I can tell she's more taken back by the fact that it's Sirius than by the fact that it's a male I'm talking about.

I nod slowly and murmur, "I guess it made me realize how I feel. I thought he didn't care, and it hurt. I've always been a little jealous of Sirius and James, because they're best friends, and they're closer to each other than to me or anyone else." I want to continue, but the rest of how I feel is a little too personal to share with Lily. I just watch her apprehensively, not sure what she'll say.

"I think I understand," she says after a moment. The firelight is flickering over her thoughtful face, making her emerald eyes bright. "All you can really do is talk to him. There's no other way to find out what he's thinking. I think, though, that he wouldn't have any reason to avoid you if he didn't care. If he didn't care, do you think he'd have a problem facing you and telling you so?"

She makes sense. I can certainly tell what James sees in her. "You're right. I should go find him." I start to get up, but pause. "Thank you, Lily."

With a soft smile, she replies, "Don't mention it. And... don't worry. I won't tell James."

* * *

I find Sirius in the library, leaned over his homework in much the same manner as James, but with his right hand twined in his hair while his left hand holds his quill and scribbles out short lines of his half-cursive and half-print handwriting. I slide into the seat across from him, and he drops his hand from his hair and looks up instantly, pausing when he realizes who it is. "Hey," he says vaguely, watching me as if not sure what to expect.

"Hey," I reply slightly hesitantly. I think he can tell that I'm worried I've done something to make him angry or uncomfortable; at the very least, he can see that I'm not angry, and he looks visibly relieved. "I don't think Snape's going to tell anyone, or he would have by now."

"You sure?" Sirius asks, twirling his quill a bit nervously.

"Pretty sure," I answer. "Dumbledore can't really stop him from saying anything, but I don't think he'd just let him try to blackmail me or anything."

He nods, but adds, "It's probably better if we don't give him too much reason to get mad at us, though, or he might change his mind."

"Yeah." There's a long silence. He drums the fingers of his right hand on the tabletop as if he doesn't realize what he's doing. I watch him, but he barely meets my eyes. When I can't stand the silence anymore, I murmur, "You mad at me, Siri?"

He snorts, and he looks like the familiar Padfoot I know and love for the first time in a day. "Of course not. You're the only one who has any right to be mad right now."

"But I'm not," I murmur. "And you're still avoiding me."

"I wasn't—" he starts to say, but he seems to think better of it. "I guess I was. I was just worried about what you'd say. I didn't want you to be... angry, or disgusted, or something."

An intense wave of relief floods my system, and I can feel my cheeks warming. "I was worried about the same thing, so I think we're on the same page."

He grins ruefully. "Good. It's not like I've done this before."

I'm not sure whether to be surprised or not. I've never really thought about two blokes kissing, but it doesn't exactly seem like something Sirius wouldn't do. But maybe that's because he's just done it. I watch him the same as he watches me, his dark, tousled hair falling into his face. I can understand why all the girls like him. What I can't understand is why he'd like me—I don't have nice clothes, my hair doesn't look good whether I comb it or leave it alone, my eyes aren't anything remarkable, and while I'm not too heavy or too thin, there's nothing about my frame that really stands out. I suppose I'm lucky enough not to be deformed or anything.

"You okay?" Sirius asks, concerned.

I nod, offering a small smile. Deciding it's about time to change the subject, I ask, "So, what're you working on?"

He looks down at his homework as if he'd forgotten all about it and then replies, "Oh, that History of Magic paper from a month back."

I laugh and tell him, "I'm surprised you're getting started on it this early!" I move around the table, taking the chair next to Sirius and scooting it closer to him to take a look at what he's written so far. "The medieval witch trials, huh?"

"Yeah."

I settle in for a long session of facts, work, and ink blots.