Monday, February 4 (Sixth Year) (Full Moon)

Padfoot

I've been looking for James—and apparently he's been looking for me, too.  He storms up to me in the hallway, Peter following behind him with a guilty expression on his face, and he looks positively livid... or maybe frantic.  Both.  He runs a hand through his hair anxiously and walks quickly up to me, hissing, "Padfoot, tell me you were just joking with Peter!  Tell me you did not send Snape after Remus!"  His robes bulge like he's got the Invisibility Cloak stashed under them, which he probably does.

I raise my eyebrows, surprised.  Not that Peter told him—I might have expected that, if I'd thought about it.  No, I'm surprised that he looks so upset about it.  "I wasn't joking. The bloody moron deserves to get the daylights scared out of him by a werewolf!"

Peter cringes.  I can tell he doesn't like being in the middle of this, and he's expecting things to blow up.  I don't know why, it's just another prank.

"Sirius!  What were you thinking?!" he demands.  "Do you know what you've done?"  He's breathing quickly; he looks furious, disbelieving, and anxious all at once.  "I've wasted time looking for you—the moon's nearly up now!  We're not there with Moony, he'll tear Snape to shreds!  We have to go stop him!"

He doesn't even bother pulling out the Invisibility Cloak.  He just sprints down the corridor toward the entrance hall.  Peter takes one look at me and then races off after James, though he has no hope of keeping up.

For a moment, the thought of Snivellus being torn to shreds seems like the best thing in the world.  I hadn't even thought of that.  Maybe make him into a werewolf. If anyone deserves the sort of torture Remus endured before we started spending full moons with him, it's Snivellus Snape.

Then I realize why James is so frantic.  It isn't out of any sympathy for Snape—he's worried about Remus.  Oh shit...  What have I done?  I don't know what will happen to Remus if he kills Snape, but I'm certain that it won't be good.

I launch down the hall after James and Peter.  I have to get to Moony! If we aren't there, he won't be able to control himself. He won't be in his right mind. He'll kill Snape...

I really don't know what I was thinking anymore.  I can't believe I told Snape how to get to the Shrieking Shack. I should have thought it out!  Nothing good can come of this.  We can't let him get hurt, but if he sees the werewolf, he'll know Remus' secret.  And by tomorrow, the entire school will know, too.

What have I done?  It echoes through my mind over and over, drowning out the sound of my feet meeting the floor while I run.  I pass Peter just before reaching the entrance hall, and an instant later I'm bolting through the doors onto the snow-covered steps that lead up to the castle.  The snow all over the grounds is muddied and disturbed with students' footprints, but I can still tell that too many sets of prints are heading toward the Whomping Willow.  Not far ahead, I see James running, his school robes streaming out behind him in sharp contrast to the snow.

James morphs into Prongs, stumbling a few times mid-change before catching his balance and bolting toward the Whomping Willow, his speed almost tripled.  I follow suit, changing into Padfoot. I barely manage to keep from falling over as I attempt to run while I'm part dog and part human, but then the change is complete, and I'm bounding toward the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack as fast as I'm able.  My breath comes in great pants, my tongue lolling out of my mouth, but I push myself until it feels like my lungs will burst.

I don't bother with trying to freeze the Whomping Willow.  I dash straight toward its trunk, diving into the tunnel at its base before it has a chance to swing its branches at me, and then I'm bounding down the dark and dank tunnel.  I can hear James ahead, his hoof beats muffled by the dirt ground.

I can tell we're nearly to the Shrieking Shack when I smell Snape and instinctively change back into human form, stumbling and falling with the change but getting back up and sprinting on down the tunnel.  My legs feel leaden from trying to maintain my top speed for so long, but I don't care.

I can hardly see in the almost lightless tunnel, especially after being used to my better vision in dog form, but I can hear.  "Snape—stop!  Don't!"  James' voice rings back through the tunnel to me, and I find the strength for another burst of speed.

At the end of the tunnel, James and Snape are struggling; Prongs has him by an arm, trying to keep him from entering the shack.  "Let me go!"  Snape uses all his weight as leverage, lurching suddenly away from James—James' grip loosens—Snape pulls free—

He stumbles, but before either of us can stop him, he slips through the hole into the Shrieking Shack.

James leaps through the hole after Snape before I've even fully gotten my mind around what's happening.  I hear a snarl that makes my blood run cold, and then I'm diving through the hole into the Shack after the both of them, the dilapidated floor of the Shack groaning under my feet.

All I can see is werewolf-Moony's back at first.  I move to the side a bit, terrified of what I'll see on the other side of him—

Standing in front of Snape, three parallel slash marks on one shoulder blooming blood, is James, his arms out to ward Moony away.  Behind him, Snape is backed up against a wall, his eyes wide open and watching Moony in a fit of terror.  The acrid smell of urine permeates the air, and it only seems to rile my werewolf friend up more.  He's growling, his ears flattened against his skull.  He must sense my presence, because he's starting to back away from James, turning toward me.

I slip into the next room, changing to dog form as I go.  The instant my vocal chords have completed the change, I growl in the back of my throat, inviting Moony to follow me.  Come on, Moony, please—leave them alone!  Follow me!

I hear the clack of his claws against the wooden floor, and now he's at the doorway, following me into the room.  Moonlight falls across the floor from long windows, one of them fitted with a pane of dirty broken glass.  Moony moves through the light cast over the floor, his eyes glinting.  I don't see anything of Remus in them.  He's just... a werewolf.  An animal.  He growls at me, his tail raised and stiff, his teeth bared.

Moony...  I feel a jolt in my gut.  It's horrible, to look into the eyes that I know belong to one of my best friends and see a monster.  My growl slowly transforms into a whine.  My ears rise as if to oppose the lowering of my tail, and I move hesitantly toward Moony.  All I want... all I want is to see Remus back in those eyes.  My heart twists in my chest.  It's me... Sirius...  Please come back...

Slowly his frame grows less rigid, his growling easing off.  He watches me more like a curious pup now than a fearsome monster, tilting his head a little—and slowly, so slowly that it makes my heart ache, the human comes back into his eyes.  He becomes Remus again.  I feel like I can take a breath and the world won't collapse... for a split second.  But then I remember that there's more to it than bringing Rems back into control.  Snape knows, James is hurt, and I've betrayed my best friend.

I'm so sorry, Moony...  I move closer to him, resting my head on his gray-furred shoulder.  He nudges my side with his nose as if to ask, 'What's wrong?'

I want to reply, 'Everything.'  But even if I was in human form, I wouldn't.  Remus doesn't know, and I don't want him to.  Pretend like nothing is wrong.  Don't let it hurt him.

But it's too late.

* * *

I hear Peter's small, quavering voice from the tunnel call, "Sirius!"  Moony's ear twitches, but I butt my nose up against his side.  Just Peter.  I watch the werewolf for a second, then pad over to the hole leading out of the shack.  Moony doesn't follow.

Out in the tunnel, I turn back into my human self.  Peter's white as a ghost, looking sweatier and dirtier than I've ever seen him.  "What is it?"

"The headmaster wants you in the Hospital Wing—quickly.  He doesn't know you're way out here."  His eyes flicker to the hole leading into the shack.  "Is he... okay?"

"Back to normal," I assure Peter.  My heart's racing.  Dumbledore wants to see me.  I know I'm in horrible trouble.  Honestly, that isn't what worries me.  I deserve whatever punishment he gives, even if he expels me, though I don't want that.  Never seeing Remus again?  I live with James, so I'd see him—unless he throws me out for this!—but Moony would never want to look at my face again, and he'd never have to.

Maybe that's best, then.

"Hurry, Sirius," Peter whispers.

I nod sharply.  "Stay with Moony, okay?"  Someone needs to stay. To keep him human.  Peter looks hesitant at my request, but he nods.  Both of us change back into animal form, and next moment I'm racing down the tunnel back to Hogwarts.  Snape's stench is still in the tunnel, but thankfully it's not strong enough to provoke Moony. Ordinarily I'd find some witty insult about the Slytherin, but there are more important things to worry about.

If only I could have realized that earlier today.  Maybe then we wouldn't be in this mess.

I sprint across the snow, my paws hardly seeming to touch the ground half the time.  The castle doors are closed. Once on the stairs, I morph back into human form, taking them three at a time up to the castle.  I heave open the heavy doors and slip inside, hardly noticing the sudden change in temperature or that I'm tracking wet footprints across the hall.

The Hospital Wing isn't that far away, but I head for it as fast as I can go.  By the time I get there, I'm completely winded, and I have to stop myself from leaning against the heavy door to catch my breath.  I slip inside, heart fluttering with anxiety.

"Mr. Black," Dumbledore says immediately.  He doesn't seem exactly angry, but the usual pleasant quality in his voice is missing entirely.  He watches me with stern periwinkle eyes devoid of their typical sparkle.

I swallow, breathing hard and fast, and nod.  "Professor..."  I blink the sweat out of my eyes and look around the Hospital Wing.  James is confined reluctantly to a bed, glaring at me as if he'd wish nothing better than to throttle the life out of me.  I've never seen him this angry.  Madam Pomfrey is leaning over him, tending his wounded shoulder. She's not looking at me, but I know she is something less than pleased, as well.  Snape is nowhere to be seen, so I assume that he wasn't injured and was sent to bed.  I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

"Where is Mr. Pettigrew?" Dumbledore asks.  His eyes regard me keenly. They're penetrating.  I can't help feeling that he can see right through me.

"I—I told him to go back so sleep.  He has nothing to do with this.  It's my fault."  I can't tell him I wanted someone to stay behind so Remus wouldn't be alone. No one knows that James, Peter, and I are illegal Animagi, and I've gotten us into enough trouble without letting that slip.  I've gotten Remus into enough trouble.

Dumbledore's expression changes the tiniest bit—he seems to be a little less stern.  Maybe he sees that I'm horribly sorry.  I never meant for things to go this way.  I just wasn't thinking.  "I know you understand what you've done, Mr. Black."  I nod, looking away from him, guilty—but I can't look away for long.  I return my eyes to his face, and he continues, "For endangering two of your fellow students as well as your friend's secret, you will have detention with Madam Pomfrey every weekend for the rest of the year.  She will keep you both Saturday and Sunday for as long as she needs you."  He holds up a crooked finger, looking at me from over his half-moon glasses.  "But the real punishment, I'm afraid, will come from Mr. Lupin.  He is the one you've hurt the worst."

I nod numbly.  He's right, and I wouldn't dream of pretending he isn't.  But what about Snape?  Hesitantly, I ask, "Professor, are you going to let Snape tell anyone?"

He shakes his head, eyes glinting with something that makes me very nervous.  "He has promised me that he will not tell anyone, and he knows that the consequences for breaking his word will be severe," the headmaster replies.  I can feel James' glare growing hotter, boring into me.  "In the end, though, it is in Mr. Snape's hands.  We must hope that he is better at keeping his tormentors' secrets than you have been at keeping those of your friends."

Tomorrow the whole school will know that Remus is a werewolf.  I know it.  And it's all my fault.  But I just nod.  There's not much Dumbledore can do, after all, and I shouldn't expect him to fix something I messed up.

"Go get some sleep," Dumbledore tells me.  "It's late, and you still have classes in the morning... not to mention a friend to face."

I steal one last glance at James before I go.  He's gone from glaring at me to not looking at me at all.  I guess I don't blame him, but still, it'd be nice not to feel like I've done something so bad that even my best friend can't forgive me.

Of course, I have done something that bad.

I leave the Hospital Wing, heading for Gryffindor Tower.  I want to go back to stay with Remus so he'll have more than just Peter for company, but I don't feel like I should.  I don't want to pretend that nothing has happened, but I can't be the one to tell him, either.  I just can't.  So I go to sleep in my own bed, feeling guilty for not being able to face Remus.

In the morning, I'll see him, one way or another.  And I dread what I'll see on his face.  I hope he can forgive me, but I don't deserve it.  I'm sorry...