AN: hey guys! happy monday!

so this is a monster of a chapter with a whopping 11K words🥲🥲 i'm sorry in advance because i've covered penelope's entire case in this chapter and, as you can imagine, that did not go well for delilah :)

there's also some plot points for book two mentioned in this so i'll be curious to see if anyone can pick up on them now!

also! i've been asked for a photo of what delilah's scar would look like SO this is one i drew up, i am useless with creative things like drawing so it's shockingly bad BUT it's enough to give you the idea of it! it will fade to white within a few seasons and be way less noticeable but, as of where the story takes place rn, this is how red and angry it is

so yeah! yikes! poor girl! it's good she can cover it with makeup tho!

anyway!

TWs:
anxiety
spicy deja vu
hints of manipulation
anger issues
manic behaviour
panic attacks
transference of daddy issues
hotch
derek
imposter syndrome
breakdowns
lowkey giving psychotic break
self sabotage?
delilah's bad decisions

i hope you enjoy! you probably won't but still :)

ps! paper rings is now published and i'm so excited for you all to see penelope and jace! <3

•

"any moment might be our last. everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. you will never be lovelier than you are now. we will never be here again." - homer

•

Delilah felt like she might vomit as she followed Derek through the hospital hallways to the waiting room the team was waiting for them in. Derek hadn't said a word to her since they'd left that church, but Delilah didn't need him to say anything.

She knew exactly what he thought of her by the look on his face when he saw her scar. She saw the disgust and anger, the disappointment and resentment, and she knew it was aimed at her. It was because of what she did.

It was because she survived.

She didn't press him to say anything. She didn't break the silence. She just wandered after him, head aimed at the floor, and let her heart shatter in her chest with the anxiety over seeing everyone at once.

Delilah followed Derek around the corner to the waiting room, chewing on her bottom lip as the team stood up to greet them.

Everybody was there. Liv and Emily were holding hands. JJ was beside Emily. Ziggy was beside Liv, and Spencer was beside him with a cup of coffee in his hands. Dave and Hotch were stood up waiting.

They were all staring at Delilah.

"She's been in surgery a couple hours," JJ said, giving Delilah a soft smile.

"I was at church. My phone was off," Derek said.

"There's nothing you could have been doing here," Spencer said quietly.

"The police got any leads?" Derek asked.

"I spoke to the lead detective. He doesn't think we'll get anything from the scene," Hotch said.

Derek let out a grunt of frustration, turning away from them and clenching his fists at his side. Delilah stepped away from him, moving around him and over to JJ because she was the furthest away from Derek, and from Spencer.

He hadn't stared at her for more than a moment, but she had refused to meet his eyes to see what emotions were lurking there. She couldn't take the idea of both of her brothers despising her over this.

"Penelope Garcia?" Inessa Bryant walked over to them, hair tucked into a scrub cap.

"Yeah," Liv said, standing up and looking at Nessa. "Is she okay?"

"The bullet went in her chest and ricocheted into her abdomen. She lost a lot of blood. It was touch-and-go for a while, but we were able to repair the injuries," Nessa said.

Delilah sighed in relief, bringing her hand up to tug at JJ's necklace still around her throat as best as she could.

"So, what are you saying?" JJ asked, pulling on Delilah's star necklace in the same way.

"One centimetre over and it would have torn right through her heart. Instead, she could actually walk out of here in a couple of days. And I'd say that's a minor miracle. She needs her rest. You can see her in the morning," Nessa said.

"Thank you," Liv said. "Where's Jace?"

"He's been called into another surgery," Nessa said. "But he'll be around soon. This the kid?"

"Ziggy, yeah," Liv said, smiling at him.

"Hi," Ziggy said, a lollipop in his mouth.

"Hey," Nessa said. "I've got to go and do doctor things, but I'll be back later to round on her."

"Thank you, Ness," Liv said.

"Anytime," Nessa said, leaving them all alone.

"David and I will go to the scene. I think the rest of you should be here when she wakes up," Hotch said, looking around at everyone. "I don't care about protocol. I don't care whether we're working this officially or not. We don't touch any new cases until we find out who did this."

The team nodded in agreement. Hotch's eyes lingered on Delilah for a moment, then moved to glance at Dave and Liv.

"Delilah, can I have a word?" Hotch asked.

Delilah kept her head down, but walked over to him and followed him down the hallway. She crossed her arms over her chest, feeling sick at the thought he could see the bruises still fading around her throat, the ones around her wrists from the chains.

"You're not allowed to work on this case," Hotch said. "You're on medical leave for another month, and then you need clearing by myself, Vince, and Strauss."

Delilah nodded once. Hotch stared at her for a moment.

"Penelope is your friend. I have no say over what you do to help a friend, only what you do as an active agent on my team, which, as of right now, you are not," Hotch said quietly.

Delilah met Hotch's eyes for the first time. There was a small hunch in his shoulders as he stepped one foot back almost unnoticeably. He was distancing himself from her as he looked upon her father's mark staining her skin.

"What do you need?" Delilah asked quietly.

"I need you on this case."

Delilah nodded once. Hotch nodded, turning on his foot and walking away. Dave followed, eyebrows knitted in a frown as he eyed Delilah. Delilah swallowed the lump in her throat, walking back towards the others.

"I think I'm gonna take Ziggy home to get some sleep in a real bed," Liv said, picking up the blanket he'd been wrapped up in.

"What?" Ziggy asked. "No. I wanna stay."

"You do?" Liv asked. "Why?"

"Penelope tried to help find us, right?" Ziggy asked, looking at Delilah. "And she went on a shopping spree to buy me things because I'm the newest BAU baby, or something. She thinks of us as her family. Family sticks with family."

Delilah chewed on her bottom lip, nodding slowly.

"Family sticks with family," Ziggy said again, looking at Liv. "Please."

Liv sighed, nodding her head.

"Okay, but we're going to my office until she's awake. You can sleep in there, or make her get well soon cards, or something. I can catch up on my to do list," Liv said.

"Lilah, are you coming with us?" Ziggy asked.

Delilah hesitated, but shook her head. She could feel Liv staring at her, but Liv didn't try and argue.

"You know where to find us," Liv said, gathering Ziggy's things. "Come on, little man."

"Are you coming?" Ziggy asked, looking at Emily as he got to his feet and grabbed his crutches.

Emily looked at Liv, then at Delilah, then at Derek, Spencer, and JJ.

"I'll be there in a minute," Emily said.

Ziggy nodded. He and Liv disappeared down the hallway, leaving the FBI agents behind in the waiting room. Delilah knew it was for the better. This could get explosive, because Derek was in a foul mood and it was clogging up the air like a smokey fire.

Delilah shifted on her feet, then sat down in one of the seats. She stared down at her hands, stared down at the splints holding her bones into place, at the bruises still staining her skin. She could feel the other four staring at her, too.

"What did Hotch say to you?" Derek asked.

Delilah chewed on her bottom lip again, forcing herself to look up and meet his eyes.

"He needs me on this case," Delilah said.

Derek scoffed under his breath, shaking his head.

"Bullshit," he muttered.

Delilah's eyebrows raised. Emily inhaled sharply beside her, and JJ studied Derek.

"What?" Delilah asked.

"It's bullshit," Derek repeated. "You can't work this case."

"Morgan," JJ said.

"She can't!" Derek said. "Look at her!"

Delilah's jaw set, head twitching to the side instinctively as she brought a hand up to tug at her necklace.

"She's on medical leave, and she can't heal from anything if Hotch is throwing her into the field! It hasn't even been two weeks!" Derek snapped.

"Hotch knows that," Spencer said.

"Then he clearly doesn't care about her!" Derek scoffed. "What boss, what profiler, what family member would put her in the field right now, no matter the case?"

"It's Penelope," JJ whispered.

Derek spun on his feel, looking Delilah in the eye.

"You shouldn't be working this case. No matter who it is. Penelope would agree with me," Derek said.

"Are you gonna stop me?" Delilah asked quietly, tilting her head as she looked at him.

Derek scoffed, shaking his head.

"Look, I know you wish you hadn't made it out-"

"Derek!" Emily snapped.

"Hey!" JJ warned him, moving closer to Delilah.

"You think you know anything about what I want?" Delilah stood up, stepping around JJ to get closer to Derek.

Her chest ached, maybe the broken ribs resisting the air she could barely breathe right now. Her head hurt, probably because she was tired and it was the early hours of the morning. She felt sick, but the anger was quickly building the more Derek looked at her.

"I know exactly what you want," Derek said, jaw clenched as he moved closer to her. "You wish you didn't make it out so you wouldn't have to see all of our reactions to what you did. We all saw it, Delilah. We know what you're capable of."

"Well, better watch what you say next, Derek," Delilah whispered. "You know what I'm capable of, after all."

Delilah turned on her foot, storming down the hallway so she could get out of this hospital. She needed to go home, get some clothes to cover her injuries up so Derek couldn't throw them back in her face the next time he couldn't handle his emotions.

She knew how to handle her emotions. It was why she walked away instead of punching him square in the face. He knew what she was capable, after all. Yet, she'd also walked away because the last thing she wanted was to deal with her hands in these splints for any longer than she had to because she broke her knuckles on Derek's very breakable face.

Delilah took the stairs instead of the elevator. She moved as quickly as she could without hurting herself, ignoring the sound of the door closing again a floor above her.

"Lilah?" Emily's voice came. "Lilah, where are you going?"

"Home," Delilah said, continuing down the stairs. "I need to change."

Emily caught up to Delilah easily. She must've been moving slower than she thought. Delilah slowed her pace, seeing no point in running when Emily could beat her to the car, and probably break in and hotwire it to move it away before she even got out of the building.

"He doesn't fucking know anything," Delilah muttered.

"I know," Emily said.

"It's Penelope," Delilah said. "I'm not just gonna sit back when I can help. I'm not even going in the field."

"I know," Emily said.

"I knew he'd act like this," Delilah whispered, stopping at the bottom of the stairwell.

Emily stopped beside her, looking at Delilah for a moment.

"He took it hard," Emily said. "And I don't think Derek ever went to anger management classes, growing up."

Delilah groaned, sitting down on the stairs and resting her head on her palms. Emily sat down beside her, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I know I went too far," Delilah whispered. "I know that I'm capable of something so horrific and that's terrifying. I don't need Derek fucking Morgan giving me his fucking opinion and making me feel worse."

"Just keep threatening to kill him when he talks. He'll shut up, soon enough," Emily said.

Delilah couldn't help but laugh, rolling her eyes.

"JJ was yelling at him when I left. I think she's gonna end up getting kicked out of the hospital," Emily said. "Look, this... Nobody knows how to deal with this. You don't know how to deal with this. But I know we can figure it out together."

Delilah hummed quietly, staring down at the splints holding her fingers into place.

"Em?" Delilah whispered.

"Lilah?" Emily said softly.

"Don't tell Liv?"

"I won't. I promise."

Emily held out her pinkie. Delilah managed to link hers with Emily, looking up to meet her eyes.

"I enjoyed it," Delilah whispered, tears burning in her eyes. "Killing him. I enjoyed watching him suffer. I enjoyed making him pay for what he did to me."

Emily's hand didn't leave hers. In fact, Emily moved her hand to hold Delilah's as best as she could, giving her a small smile.

"I know," Emily whispered.

"What does that say about me?" Delilah whispered, a tear sliding down her cheek.

"It says," Emily started, moving to wipe the tear away with her free hand before it wet Delilah's stitches. "That you're human."

"Normal people don't enjoy killing," Delilah said.

"Nobody mentioned normal," Emily smiled. "Truth is, Lilah, there's only a handful of people in this world that will understand everything you went through down there, and most of them are dead. The ones that live, they'll feel the same way you did."

Delilah nodded. Emily squeezed her hand.

"I don't think you enjoyed killing him," Emily said. "I think you enjoyed what it meant for you. You've been his prisoner for sixteen years, even after you escaped. You always knew you were never really safe, never free of him. When you killed him, you were freeing yourself. He couldn't hold you prisoner anymore. That's what you enjoyed. You enjoyed the fact that you were saving yourself."

"Maybe," Delilah murmured.

She didn't enjoy murder. She knew she didn't want to go out and hurt people just because she was capable of it. She also knew the best ways to get away with murder, considering it was her job to hunt killers, and she didn't feel the desire to go and kill because she could absolutely get away with it.

She wasn't a murderer in that sense. She was a murderer because it was too complex of a situation for it to be black and white. At least, she saw it as too complex to be black and white. Derek clearly saw it the opposite way. She was a killer to him. He'd thrown it back in her face after barely an hour in each other's company.

"I don't think Derek's wrong," Delilah murmured. "About me wanting to die down there so I wouldn't have to see their reactions. And not once was I ever scared about what Liv or Ziggy or dad would think of me. I figured you'd get it the most, next. It was everyone else I was worried about. Derek... He was the one I worried about most."

"Even over JJ?" Emily asked softly.

Delilah nodded.

"Yep. He's never going to forgive me for this, and I didn't even do anything to him. None of this is anything to do with him. Vince, my therapist, he said I have to give everyone time and the benefit of the doubt because it's new to them. Why do I have to give them anything? I didn't ask for this. I didn't want them to be dragged into it. I did everything I could to stop this and Hotch didn't even fucking believe me," Delilah said.

"It isn't fair," Emily said. "And none of this is your fault. I'll tell you that as many times as I need to until you believe it."

"I don't know what I'd do without you," Delilah murmured.

"Let's hope we never have to find out," Emily grinned. "Come on. I'll drive you home to get changed. We can discuss theories on the way." 

Delilah really didn't know what she'd do without Emily in her life, especially in a time like right now. Emily could save Delilah in a way that nobody else could, right now. She could save her by understanding exactly what was going on in her head right now.

•

•

Delilah, and Emily and JJ and Spencer, made a silent agreement that Delilah and Derek should be kept apart as much as possible, right now. JJ and Spencer stayed at the hospital with Derek while Emily and Delilah got caught up with what information Hotch and Dave had found.

Safe to say, this botched robbery theory wasn't adding up. A botched robbery against an FBI technical analyst? Extremely unlikely. She was targeted, just like Delilah was.

And, sure, maybe Derek was right that being in the field was a bad idea, but Delilah couldn't deny how she looked at this case differently than she would've just weeks ago.

Penelope had likely stumbled onto something and someone was trying to make sure she kept her mouth shut. The only issue with this theory? Delilah couldn't for the life of her imagine what Penelope would've found without the team realising.

She wouldn't know unless she hacked into Penelope's systems, which was a bad idea because Delilah wasn't technically on this case, or unless she spoke to Penelope, which would have to be arranged so she didn't see Derek on her way.

He might call her a murderer again, and she really didn't have the energy to walk away from a face that punchable twice in a row.

Until then, Delilah could only wait around the corner from the waiting room so Emily could actually get Derek away from Penelope. She was awake. Delilah could actually talk to her.

It was going to be the weirdest conversation ever, considering Delilah hadn't spoken to her since before being abducted, and now Penelope had been shot, and would see Delilah's face for the first time while nursing a new scar of her own from surgery.

"Hey, you're good," Emily said, poking her head around the wall. "He's gone to call Hotch. Turns out she went on a date with the guy. Name is James Colby Baylor."

"JCB," Delilah murmured. "Sounds pretentious."

"I know. Want me to stay with you?" Emily asked.

"No, I'm good," Delilah said. "Where's Spencer and JJ?"

"Cafeteria finding her some jello. She also made JJ promise none of us would talk about her like a victim."

Delilah nodded. She pushed off the wall, rounding the corner.

"Let's hope she shares the same sentiment with me," Delilah murmured.

Emily gave her an encouraging smile. Delilah couldn't manage one back. She just shuffled past Emily and into the hospital room where Penelope was lying in the hospital bed.

Penelope looked up, probably expecting Derek, or anyone other than Delilah. Delilah gave her an awkward wave. Penelope blinked at her in shock, eyes lingering on the scar cutting through her face.

"I won't ask about yours if you don't ask about mine," Penelope said.

"Deal," Delilah murmured.

She crossed the room to stand at the side of Penelope's bed, taking her friend's hand in her own. Penelope squeezed gently, giving Delilah the best smile she could muster, considering she'd been shot.

"Thank you for coming," Penelope whispered.

"Of course," Delilah murmured. "You're my family. You came for me."

Penelope smiled, a bit brighter than before. She looked at Delilah for a moment.

"Spencer told me Derek lost his shit at you," Penelope said. "Hotch asked you to work on this case, to find the man who shot me. Is that true?"

"Technically-" Delilah started.

"Lilah," Penelope said, raising an eyebrow. "Derek is... Look, he's wrong about a lot of things in this situation. He's wrong about everything he said to you. He's not wrong about the fact that you can't heal if you're back here after barely two weeks of time off. I don't want you burning out because of me. The team can solve this."

"I'm not just gonna stand by and watch them solve it," Delilah said. "I'm a certified genius, Pen. I'm wasting my brain doing nothing. You're living in fear for as long as it takes them. I can help."

"What if you can't help?" Penelope asked gently. "What if this causes you to feel worse?"

"Well, considering Derek is basically calling me a murderer to my face, I don't think I can feel any worse than I already do," Delilah said. "I'm not gonna stop working the case. Hotch asked me to do it."

"I'm asking you not to," Penelope said quietly. "I know... Normally, I wouldn't try. But... Lilah, I can't ignore what happened to you. You're not okay. Not only that, I don't think Liv or Ziggy would-"

"Pen, please don't," Delilah whispered, the tears burning in her eyes. "Everyone is treating me differently. Derek is already pushing me out. I can't take it if you do it, too."

"I'm not pushing you out," Penelope squeezed Delilah's hand, tears in her eyes, too. "I'm trying to protect you. I couldn't do anything then. Let me do something now."

"Hypocrite," Delilah murmured, pulling her hand free. "Get some rest, please. Getting shot sucks and the easier you take it now, the more you'll thank yourself later."

"Lilah, please don't leave," Penelope pleaded. "I'm not trying to upset you. I just want you to think about this. It's not a good idea. I would feel guilty forever if me getting shot triggers something-"

Delilah stepped out of the room and closed the door. She leaned against the glass, forcing herself to take a deep breath through the burning in her lungs. Emily looked over at her, raising an eyebrow. Delilah nodded once. Emily looked back at her phone.

Delilah counted her breaths until her chest wasn't aching anymore, and she had to agree that maybe Penelope was right about this not helping her heal. Her chest was aching and her face was catching negative attention that made her want to curl up in a ball and cry for ten years.

But she couldn't do nothing. Penelope had been shot and they had no leads. This was entirely different to what happened to Delilah.

Though, it wasn't really that different. They were both cases the BAU would work. They just involved the team members and happened less than two weeks apart.

Delilah opened the door again, stepping back into the room. Penelope looked over at her, tears fresh on her cheeks. Delilah stayed in the doorway, stared at her for a moment.

"I've ruined everything," Delilah said quietly. "I've destroyed everything. I just want the chance to make something better."

"Oh, sweetheart," Penelope whispered. "You haven't destroyed anything. The only thing that you can make better right now is yourself. That's all I want."

"I'm never going to be better," Delilah said.

"That's not true-"

"The pre-frontal cortex of the brain typically develops by twenty five. Everything you experience before that point essentially wires you as a person for the rest of your life. Your trauma responses, how you process emotions, how desensitised you become to things, that is all defined by the first twenty five years of your life. Terrifying, right?" Delilah said.

"Right," Penelope murmured, looking lost.

"Now, not to brag, but I am a genius. You have to allow a few extra years for people with genius status, so, let's give myself an extra four years. Twenty nine. I turned twenty nine two weeks ago," Delilah said. "You know my childhood, now. You're not a profiler but you know enough about our unsubs to know there are patterns between them and I. I'm exactly what psychology predicted I would be. I can't get better. I'm never going to be any different."

Delilah felt sick in an instant. She was trauma dumping on Penelope, who had just been shot, all because she couldn't take the idea of the team not wanting her around, which was entirely justified.

She shouldn't be working this case. She was just making more problems. Why the fuck had Hotch asked her to do this? Why the fuck had she agreed?

"Delilah," Penelope said softly, holding her hand out.

That was why she agreed. Penelope Garcia, the epitome of sunshine, one of the only people in the world that Delilah genuinely loved beyond reason. She was everything good. She was the kind of person Delilah could look up to because Penelope had such a beautiful soul that warmed everyone who was lucky enough to exist in her orbit.

She wasn't working this case. Penelope cared enough to ask that of her. Delilah couldn't fix things with Derek, but she could guarantee Penelope stayed her friend. Respecting her wishes was the least she could do.

"I'm sorry," Delilah said. "I won't work the case."

Delilah turned and closed the door behind her, the first tear sliding down her cheek. Emily looked up again, a sad smile quirking onto her lips as she met Delilah's eyes.

"You ready to go to the BAU?" Emily asked.

"No," Delilah whispered. "I can't do this. I can't work this case."

"Liv's at home with Ziggy," Emily said. "She mentioned needing to talk Shadow on a walk."

Delilah nodded. She'd take Shadow on a walk, if Liv decided that walking around their massive gated community was safe for Delilah. She'd probably let her when she saw how emotional Delilah was, or when Emily filled her in when Delilah inevitably disappeared to get cleaned up.

"Thank you," Delilah murmured. "For doing this."

"Being here for you?" Emily asked, standing up.

"Yeah."

"Well, we're best friends," Emily said, tilting her head to the side. "And I'm also madly in love with your sister and intend to stick around for as long as she wants me, hopefully for the rest of our lives. That kinda makes us sisters, too. So, of course I'm here for you."

"I don't want you to feel like I'm an obligation because of Liv," Delilah said.

"You don't feel like an obligation," Emily said. "You feel like family, and family sticks together. The kid said that, didn't he?"

"He did," Delilah chuckled tiredly. "He's a good kid."

"One of the best," Emily said. "Thank you, for saving him. I know it's weird to thank you for that, considering... Well, everything. It's actually really weird, when I think about it. But, uh... Just, thank you for making sure he had a chance."

Delilah smiled weakly.

"You ready to go?" Emily asked.

"Yeah," Delilah murmured. "Let's go home."

•

•

Delilah wasn't working Penelope's case.

She'd promised Penelope she wouldn't, and she cared more about having Penelope on her side than Hotch, right now. Hotch didn't believe her about the balloons. He was angry at her for what she did to her father. He had asked her to work this case when she was barely two weeks into medical leave and was clearly screaming for help with every action she did.

So, she turned her phone off and shoved it in a shoebox in the closet, throwing her burner phones in there with it. She spent the next few days with Ziggy and Liv, helping keep an eye on Shadow while Liv finished decorating around the house. She finally watched Twilight with Ziggy, the two of them laughing about Edward's glittery skin.

Ziggy had thought it hilarious that glittery skin was apparently the skin of a killer. Delilah had thought it hilarious that "This is the skin of a killer" could be summarised into TITSOAK, which made Liv want to watch the movie with them, too.

It was the best Delilah had felt since finding out Penelope had been shot. She knew from Emily and Dave updating Liv that Penelope was healing and they had no leads on the case, but they hadn't come over in a few days because they were all working around the clock to find this guy.

That left Delilah feeling shitty. She could help them solve this a bit faster, but she couldn't do that to Penelope, and she couldn't do that to herself.

Even if the team hated her, Delilah could leave the team. She couldn't leave herself behind, not truly, because she'd failed trying to leave Isobel behind, hadn't she? She was stuck in a catch twenty two here, with nowhere to turn that would leave people unharmed. She was going to hurt someone no matter what she did, so she didn't do anything at all.

Quite literally, she did nothing. She hadn't started taking her sleeping pills, hiding them under her tongue until Liv had left the room and then spitting them down the sink when she brushed her teeth. She didn't go to her next appointment with Vince, considering she didn't text him to actually arrange it.

She didn't do anything.

It was after five days of doing nothing when everything exploded in her face. She was expecting it, of course, but she didn't think it would go down the way it did.

There was a knock on the door at midnight. Delilah was downstairs with Shadow, who had refused to leave her side of a night when Ziggy was asleep with Liv. Ziggy and Liv weren't even here. They were going to pick Nora and Colin up from the airport because Dave couldn't go and Delilah was banned from driving by Liv after driving to get Derek. Ziggy wanted to see them, too, so Liv let him tag along.

Delilah glanced over at the door, knowing it was someone she knew because the gated community was pin activated and they changed the pin every two weeks to prevent break-ins. They'd changed the pin last night, so, it wasn't gonna be some weirdo coming to kill her. It wasn't Liv or Ziggy, either. They had Liv's key to get back in, and Liv wouldn't knock this late and risk waking Delilah up in case she was actually asleep.

She still grabbed her gun from the kitchen drawer as she passed, tucking it into the back of her pyjama pants as she weaved through the house and through the foyer. She stopped at the front door, glancing through the peephole. Delilah sighed, unlocking the two locks on the door and pulling it open.

Hotch stared back at her. Delilah stepped aside, watching him walk into the house silently. Delilah closed the door behind him, putting the locks back on, then followed him into the kitchen. Shadow lay on his dog bed in there, having abandoned his previous post of sitting at Delilah's feet begging for the sandwich she'd been eating.

Her sandwich was also gone.

"Did you know that Penelope has an encrypted file on her computer?" Hotch asked.

"What?" Delilah asked, looking over at him.

"Penelope has an encrypted file on her computer. After her systems got hacked and Elle got shot, she thought about making it. She started making it. And then you started hacking into her systems, too," Hotch said.

Delilah frowned.

"When did I do that?" she asked.

"When you found out Ziggy existed. When you were looking to see if your father had taken any other boys. Penelope didn't know who it was, but she suspected it was you, so she never told anyone. She just hid whatever you were searching for in that folder to protect you from people looking for you. She's hidden everything about you in there, all to protect you, and she did it without me ordering her. She did that off her own back, and she didn't even look at what you were searching for because she didn't want to betray your trust. She is out there protecting you and the team, and you don't even have the decency to tell me you're not working this case anymore," Hotch said.

"Oh," Delilah murmured. "That's why you're here."

"I'm here because the gunman turned up at Penelope's apartment twenty minutes ago to finish your friend off and murdered an innocent cop!" Hotch snapped. "I'm here because we are behind this guy and your friend's life is in more and more danger with every second that passes. He is going to do whatever it takes to kill her, and you're, what? Making sandwiches for your dog?"

Delilah's stomach sank, but she couldn't process that fully in her brain. Penelope had asked her not to work this case. This wasn't her fault, yet it felt like it was her fault, because everything was always her fault, because everybody always blamed her for everything.

She deserved it, most of the time, but not right now. Though, maybe she did deserve it. She could've saved that cop's life if she'd worked the case and helped them find the gunman. She'd disappeared entirely on everyone by locking her phone in her wardrobe, not even telling Hotch she wasn't working the case.

"I didn't think me not working this case would be an issue," Delilah whispered.

"What is wrong with you?" Hotch snapped. "What is so broken in your head that you can't see the bigger picture, here? Not everything is about you. Penelope dropped everything to spend three weeks in Dylan's kitchen tracking you down and you can't spend more than five hours on her case before you run away again!"

Delilah flinched back, her side hitting against the kitchen island as she recoiled away from him. Her stomach ached at the glare on Hotch's face. Derek had lost his shit on her, and now Hotch was doing the same.

Nothing she did was ever good enough for anyone. She worked the case; Derek and Penelope had a problem. She didn't work the case; Hotch had a problem. She couldn't win. She would never fucking win.

"She asked me not to work this," Delilah whispered.

"And I told you to work it! I'm your boss!" Hotch said.

Delilah scoffed.

"I'm on medical leave. You asked me to do this for her as a friend because you can't order me to work this case. I don't have to listen to you," Delilah said.

"When I tell you to do something, it's for a reason-" Hotch started.

"Why don't you love me anymore?" Delilah asked.

Hotch fell silent. He stared at her blankly. Delilah raised an eyebrow, nodding at him to answer.

"You don't love me anymore, right?" Delilah said. "That's why you decided it was a good idea to ask me to work this case two weeks after I got out of that basement. That's why you didn't believe me over the balloons. That's why you're acting like this. You don't give a shit about me because you don't love me anymore."

Hotch didn't answer. Delilah scoffed.

"Is it because of what I did to my dad?" Delilah asked. "Are you scared of me, now, or something? Disappointed? Angry? What do you wanna say, Aaron? What do you think will change?"

"I can't love you how you want me to," Hotch said quietly.

Delilah's lips quirked to the side, tears burning in her eyes as she looked at him.

"I want to," Hotch whispered, tears in his eyes. "But there's no end with you. I can't escape you. I can't escape what he's done to you, what I've done to you. It's my fault you ended up in that basement. You destroy everything and I can't fix it for you, anymore. I don't know how. I don't know who you are. The Delilah I knew, the Delilah I loved, she died down there in that basement."

A tear slid down Delilah's cheek. She dropped her gaze to the floor, leaning against the kitchen side as she chewed on her bottom lip to keep her sobs firmly in her chest.

"I'm sorry," Delilah whispered. "I didn't ask for any of this."

"I know," Hotch said quietly.

Delilah wiped her tears off her cheeks, careful over her scar now the stitches had been removed by Jace when he swung by the house to do it. She kept her eyes away from Hotch as she removed the gun from the waistband of her pyjamas, sliding it back into the secret hole in one of the kitchen drawers that Dave had installed.

Ziggy wouldn't be able to get to it. It was fingerprint activated to open the latch and it was for extreme emergencies. Only Delilah, Liv and Dave had the fingerprint.

Delilah moved to the kitchen sink, filling a glass with water and taking a few sips. She poured the rest down the sink, setting the glass back down and putting her hands on the kitchen side. She stared down at the splints on her skin, chewing on the inside of her cheek before she turned to look at him.

"What do we know about the gunman?" Delilah asked.

"We think he's a member of law enforcement, or an agent of some kind. He sat with his back to the corner of the restaurant, had his belt buckled behind him in the car," Hotch said.

"When did you find out he turned up?" Delilah asked.

"Five minutes before I turned up at your front door. I was on my way there from the BAU and this was on my way," Hotch said.

Delilah chewed on her bottom lip for a moment as she thought.

"Penelope... Penelope counsels victim's families. She feels useless not being able to help them more. It wouldn't shock me if she tagged certain cases as a priority. I thought that she'd found something and someone wasn't happy about it. If I'm right, it'll be something to do with these cases. They'll be what's in the encrypted file," Delilah said.

"You suspected she'd found something?" Hotch asked.

"Why else would a technical analyst be targeted?" Delilah asked. "It isn't random. You need to get those cases, see if any people overlap on them. That'll be your guy. And dad said he had monogrammed shirts, so, try the same initials. They're expensive shirts."

Hotch nodded, pulling out a phone to text the instructions to the team already at Penelope's.

"That's all I'm helping you with. Penelope asked me not to work this and I'm respecting that," Delilah said.

"Thank you," Hotch said.

He turned, walking towards the front door. Delilah blinked, taking a deep breath before following after him.

"Hotch?" Delilah said.

Hotch turned to look at her. Delilah stopped in the living room doorway.

"You don't love me, anymore," Delilah said quietly. "Does that mean you hate me?"

"No," Hotch said softly. "There's nothing in the world that could ever make me hate you. And I do love you. I just don't love you how you want me to. I'm not your father, Delilah."

Delilah's heart ached.

"I know," Delilah whispered.

"Do you?" Hotch asked.

"I do now," Delilah murmured, shifting her gaze away from him.

"Come to the BAU with me," Hotch said. "Strauss is still there. She'll help arrange your transfer."

Delilah hated the fact that he knew exactly what was on her mind right now. She hated the fact she was going to do what he said, even after this.

Delilah grabbed her shoes and jacket, leaving a note on the whiteboard on the wall to say where she was for when Liv got back, then followed Hotch out of the front door and closed it shut behind her.

•

•

Erin Strauss was surprised to see Delilah at this hour, but she wasn't surprised at the transfer request. She gave Delilah a variety of options, but Delilah didn't care. As long as she wasn't in sex crimes, mob units, drugs, bombs, or anything to do with water, she didn't give a shit.

Strauss said she'd find her somewhere suitable, and that was that. It took less than three minutes before Delilah was back out in the BAU hallway, left to her own devices.

Hotch had drove her here. Dave was also here, and JJ was here now, too. Delilah had waited in the car outside of Penelope's apartment because Hotch didn't think her seeing the team was wise, but she was right.

It was linked to the files.

Delilah could get a cab home, but she knew most cab drivers would ask a question about her face and, honestly, she didn't think getting in a cab with a stranger was the smartest decision when she felt so fucked.

So, she was stuck in the BAU until Dave could take her home, and this was ultimately the last place she wanted to be.

But JJ was walking down the hallway towards her, a few people stood gathered near the elevators, including a police deputy, judging by his hat.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" JJ asked, giving Delilah a tired smile and shifting the files in her arms.

"Hotch told me what happened to Penelope. I told him how to solve this and he brought me back here," Delilah said.

"Wait, what?" JJ asked. "That's where he was? He told us he got stuck in traffic."

"He lied?" Delilah asked.

JJ looked uncomfortable, glancing around the hallway.

"Come on," JJ murmured, grabbing Delilah's hand and tugging her down the hallway. "We can talk in my office. Things are getting weird around here."

Delilah followed JJ to her office, the two of them slipping inside and closing the door behind them. JJ glanced through her window, then tugged the blinds to close them. She moved to sit at her desk, rubbing her temples as she saw the stack of files.

"Why are things weird around here? Because of me?" Delilah asked.

"It started around the same time," JJ said. "Hotch was seeing Strauss more often, and I saw some guy down here with brown hair, and the three of them were meeting up. There was this woman with brown hair, and one with blonde hair, too? I've never seen them before, and they didn't have badges."

Delilah frowned.

"We get unknown people up here all the time," Delilah said.

"We do," JJ agreed. "But they don't erase the CCTV footage of their visits, do they?"

Delilah paused.

"No," Delilah said. "They don't."

"And Strauss has been taking more phone calls than usual. She closes her blinds, like, nine times a day. Hotch is always in there, more than he needs to be considering they barely spoke before then. It's all just weird," JJ said.

"That is weird," Delilah agreed, "But I don't think it's something to worry about. It's probably whoever's dealing with the fallout of my case in the other departments."

"Nobody's mentioned you," JJ said. "They've had files being brought out of storage, all dated from years before you were even in the FBI. They all had names. I only saw one. Eclipse."

"It's probably a special ops team," Delilah sighed, moving to sit on JJ's couch.

"A what?" JJ asked.

"A special ops team," Delilah repeated. "When the FBI are conducting a mission or a task force, they give them a name. Something short, simple, snappy. That name is used to define a team, and the team are the people doing whatever the FBI want. So, Eclipse is probably a special ops team. That's not weird."

"Oh," JJ blinked. "That makes sense. But why would Hotch and Strauss be involved in a special ops team?"

"Because Strauss has several other teams like ours to manage and Hotch can supply a profile for whatever they're doing so they know how to react accordingly depending on the situations they'll be put in," Delilah said.

"What would the mission be?" JJ asked.

"I have no idea," Delilah said honestly. "The FBI have branches everywhere in the world, even if they won't admit it. They have people everywhere in the world, all waiting for an instruction on what to do. I could guess, but I'd never be right. There's too many options."

"So, it could be something to do with terrorism?" JJ asked.

"Or it could be as simple as a drug bust," Delilah said. "We'll never find out. It's near impossible to find something the FBI wants to keep hidden."

"Oh," JJ sighed. "So, I don't need to worry?"

"No, I don't think so," Delilah said. "There are about a thousand special ops teams created across organisations worldwide every year, probably a lot more nowadays with the technological advancements. It's just a blip on the radar."

"Okay," JJ sighed. "Okay. I'm not gonna worry about this."

"Good idea," Delilah smiled.

JJ leaned back in her chair, turning to look at Delilah.

"You okay?" JJ asked softly.

"No," Delilah chuckled. "No, I don't think I'll ever be okay again. I can't win, no matter what I do."

JJ gave her a sad smile.

"Derek-" JJ started.

"And Hotch," Delilah said. "And Penelope. I haven't even had the chance to talk to Spencer, yet. You and Em are the only ones treating me normally."

"Spencer doesn't care," JJ said. "He's missed you more than anything, and he lectured Derek for what he said. More than the rest of us did."

"I don't need him to defend me. Or you guys," Delilah said. "I did what I did. Derek's entitled to his feelings."

"He's entitled to nothing," JJ said. "And we defend you because we're a family."

Delilah felt sick at the thought of having to tell JJ and Spencer she was transferring to a new team as soon as she was cleared to go back to work again. She wouldn't tell anyone else herself except Emily, and Emily wouldn't care because she'd still see Delilah.

Delilah was not going to see Hotch or Derek again. She would avoid Penelope until Delilah wouldn't trauma dump at her. It was just JJ and Spencer that concerned her.

"I need to tell you-" Delilah started, but JJ's phone rang.

JJ looked at it, rolling her eyes when she saw it was Derek. She declined the call, looking back at Delilah.

"Go on, honey," JJ smiled.

"That might've been important. He's with Penelope right now," Delilah said.

JJ's face drained of colour, but her phone was ringing again and she picked it up immediately. Her face went even paler, if possible, and she was on her feet and grabbing her gun from her holster within seconds, dropping the phone on her desk.

"Stay here," JJ warned her.

"No," Delilah retorted, getting to her feet and following JJ out of her office.

JJ hurried down the hallway towards the bullpen doors. Delilah followed, stomach sinking with every hurried footstep.

JJ turned to the side, lifting her gun and clicking the safety off with one quick movement. She paused for a moment, finding her aim, and just as Delilah reached her side and set eyes on that cop from before holding a gun to a man's head, JJ fired.

The glass shattered. The cop crumpled where he stood. The man moved away from him. Hotch and Rossi lowered their guns from across the bullpen. The blood was spilling out of the wound in the centre of his forehead.

It was crimson red. It trickled across his forehead. It seeped into the blue carpet. His blue eyes stared directly into Delilah's green ones.

He was dead. JJ had killed him.

"He's the shooter," JJ said breathlessly, slipping the safety back on her gun and putting it in her holster. "He tried to kill Penelope."

Delilah stayed silent. She couldn't drag her eyes away from the blood coming out of the cop's head. His eyes, those icy blue eyes, they were haunting. He was a killer, that much Delilah could assume based on the facts of this case.

He was a killer, and she was a killer, and now JJ was a killer, too. Except, JJ wasn't a killer. Delilah, the cop, they'd killed because they could. They killed because they wanted to. JJ killed because she had to. She killed to protect their team, to protect Penelope, to protect the man with the gun held at his head.

"Lilah," JJ said softly. "Come on. You look pale. Let's sit you down."

"I'm okay," Delilah said, looking at JJ for the first time. "Are you okay?"

"I'm... shaking," JJ admitted, looking down at her trembling hands.

"Come on," Delilah said, holding a hand out for JJ. "Let's make you a cup of tea, get some sugar back into you."

JJ took her hand. Delilah led them through the shattered glass and over to the kitchen, sitting JJ at the kitchen table before moving to find some teabags for her.

"JJ," Hotch's voice came from behind them. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay," JJ said quietly. "Lilah's taking care of me."

Delilah heard his footsteps retreating. She just kept making a cup of tea, then handed it to JJ when she was done. JJ took a sip, giving Delilah a tired smile.

"Why don't you stay at ours tonight?" Delilah asked. "Emily will be, and the case is closed, now. Might as well."

They could talk in the morning about Delilah transferring from the team, and Delilah could make sure JJ was okay after this.

She remembered killing her first unsub. Funnily enough, she'd never had to kill an unsub until she was two years undercover. She had been given orders that, if she was going to end up dead, she took out the threat in front of her quickly. She had shot a man that had tried to shoot at the child she was holding on her hip, the bullet barely missing her when she turned to protect the baby.

She had been as shaky as JJ was. She'd almost dropped the child she was holding, poor Wilhelmina screeching at the noise. The baby would've ended up dead from the fall if Lola hadn't caught her.

Nobody had helped her, afterwards. Jorge would've, but he hadn't been there. She'd been forced to get the kids settled, then had collapsed in the halls of the Underground, unconscious until Evie found her the next morning and dragged her to get some food to eat.

She wanted to help JJ like nobody had helped her. JJ deserved that, especially before Delilah basically ran away from everybody again.

Though, she was staying in Virginia, and the same building. She'd just be on a different floor. If anything, she was slow-jogging away. It was the middle balance to running and sticking around.

"We can ride back with Em," JJ said. "We carpooled this morning."

"Sounds like a plan," Delilah smiled.

•

•

Delilah was relieved to be home. She could feel the tension slipping out of her body with every step after Dave and Emily down the driveway, JJ's hand in hers. She could feel her head start to clear up as soon as Dave unlocked the door, the four of them stepping into the house.

She could hear the sound of Mario Kart music, making her chuckle as they kicked off their shoes and coats, heading into the living room to find Ziggy and Colin playing Mario Kart while Nora worked away in the kitchen.

The backdoor was open, presumably where Liv was with Shadow.

"Liv, everyone's home!" Ziggy said, glancing over at them. "Colin's gonna teach me how to play the Snes, aunt Lilah!" he said. "Liv said you're the best at Streetfighter."

"I am the best," Delilah laughed, kissing Ziggy's hair as she passed him on her way to the kitchen to hug Nora. "Hi."

"Hi, honey," Nora sighed happily, pulling Delilah into a tight hug.

She didn't bring up Delilah's face, which was beginning to heal. Jace had removed the stitches and had given her a check up. Covering her scars would just make it worse, like she suspected. Delilah would be maimed forever, just like Elliot had wanted her to be.

He had won that battle, but she'd won the war. She felt like she lost, but she had killed him and not the other way around. She won.

"You hungry? We're making snacks," Nora said. "We're apparently pulling an all-nighter. I think I'll crap out early."

"Me, too," Delilah chuckled. "I could eat."

"JJ, food, honey?" Nora asked, pulling back fully from the hug. "Dave, why are you taking over the snacks? You just got home from work! Get yourself a drink and a cigar and sit down."

"I got it," Dave chuckled. "Anybody hungry?" Dave asked, opening the fridge.

"I could eat," Emily said, sat on the back of the couch where she'd been talking to Ziggy and Colin.

"Me, too!" Ziggy said.

"I'm hungry, if you're cooking," Colin said.

Dave laughed, grabbing some ingredients out of the fridge.

"Spaghetti bolognaise?" Dave said.

"Dad, it's like, three in the morning," Liv said.

"Is anyone going to sleep any time soon?" Dave asked, already holding a pan in his hands. "We can have some real food and then get everybody to bed. Live a little, Olivia. Enjoy this one life while we have it, and do it in the best way: with pasta, and family, and pasta."

"You said pasta twice," Ziggy said.

"I'm Italian," Dave said. "Pasta always has my heart."

"We're your children," Delilah said.

"I'm Italian," Dave repeated. "Spaghetti?"

"Spaghetti," Liv agreed with a laugh.

"Hi, baby," Emily murmured, weaving through the people to hug Liv.

"Hi!" Liv grinned, hugging Emily back.

Delilah smiled softly at the sight of them, turning back to the kitchen to help. JJ was already washing her hands to help Dave, while Nora was grabbing the grater to get the cheese grated. JJ caught Delilah's eye, giving her a smile.

Delilah smiled back, feeling half conflicted in this moment. She wanted to be happy, because her family was gathered here with her and they hadn't done this before with everybody. This was entirely new and it was beautiful.

Yet, Delilah was a murderer. JJ had killed an unsub tonight. Delilah had put in her transfer tonight. She hadn't told anybody. She figured Liv had figured it out, but nobody else knew. JJ didn't know, and Delilah had to tell her eventually.

But JJ was smiling at her and Delilah couldn't say it when JJ looked the most like herself than she had all night.

She'd tell her when this wasn't as fresh. Maybe it would be tomorrow. Maybe it would be in a week. She would tell her. She just had a few weeks of medical leave before she had to, and she may take advantage of that.

Hotch and Derek were right. Delilah always ran away from her problems. This was no different.

•

•

It hadn't taken long for Delilah to abandon the family fun for the night after they ate. JJ had came upstairs with her, the two leaving the others downstairs to have their time. Delilah was exhausted, JJ exhausted too, and the three stories of stairs to climb felt like climbing a mountain after the day they'd had.

But Delilah's room was finally unpacked and how she wanted it, almost identical to her room in the apartment, just with more blankets and bookshelves because this room was bigger, and she could just get into her pyjamas and sleep for the next day.

"I think I need a shower," JJ mumbled, fidgeting with her necklace.

"I get that," Delilah yawned. "Want me to sit in there with you?"

"No, I'll be okay," JJ said. "You get yourself comfy in bed, yeah? You look exhausted."

Delilah didn't fight her. She headed to the bathroom first to wash her face carefully, then to take the last antibiotic in her course. She brushed her teeth, JJ coming into the bathroom after a moment with some pyjamas to change into.

JJ looked at the empty pill container sitting on the side, the sleeping tablets in the bottle next to them. Liv had considered locking them down, but they both knew Delilah wouldn't overdose on tablets that she didn't want to take in the first place. They both knew that, if Delilah were to kill herself, she'd do it somewhere where her family wouldn't be the people to find her.

Liv had seen the dead bodies of every single family member up to now. She'd found her father dead. She'd found her mother dead. She'd confirmed Eli's identity upon his death, Talia nowhere to be found. She'd seen Elliot's body, too.

Delilah wouldn't add herself to that list.

So, she could be trusted with the sleeping tablets. Delilah was pretty sure Liv knew she'd been skipping out on them, considering they were supposed to give her long stretches of sleep for up to twelve hours and Delilah had been hitting six a night, maximum, which was better than it had been for years.

She didn't have any nightmares, yet. She was concerned about that.

"Are you gonna take them?" JJ asked softly.

"No," Delilah murmured. "I've had enough of being medicated against my will."

JJ tilted her head to the side, didn't say anything. Delilah gave her a small smile in the mirror as she put her toothbrush away.

"I'll be out there when you're ready," Delilah said, slipping out of the bathroom.

JJ closed the door behind her, the sound of the shower turning on just seconds later. Delilah got into her pyjamas, hesitating before getting into bed. She crossed to her wardrobe, rummaging through a few shoeboxes before she found her phone.

Delilah sat on the bed as she waited for the phone to turn on, the charger firmly in place because it was definitely dead. After a few minutes, it came back on.

Derek had text her a few times before the church. He hadn't text her since. Hotch had texted only since Penelope's case, asking for updates if Delilah had figured anything out. He hadn't text her since.

There were no texts from Emily, Dave and JJ, purely because they just rang Liv if they needed Delilah, these days. Penelope had sent a few since the whole thing happened, checking on Delilah and thanking her for not working the case, sent just an hour earlier. Delilah sent back a heart, then clicked back out of Penelope's message chain.

Vince had text her a few times to arrange a session, but he didn't sound urgent in any of them. Delilah shot him a text telling him she'd put in a transfer from the BAU so he could wake up to that, then muted his contact entirely in case he was still awake and tried to call her or text her over this.

Evie had sent her a text checking in. Elle had sent another one saying the same thing. Delilah responded to both saying she was fine, and sent another to Elle saying she would call her in a few days to fill her in.

Rue had also text, which made Delilah's insides feel a bit warmer when she heard Rue's voice in her head for the first time in a few years. Rue, though officially Maddy's mentor over Delilah's, had been a solid presence during those four years undercover.

Rue had taught Delilah more about how being a spy worked than Evie had. Evie had covered Delilah's psychology training, and her physical training in all aspects. Rue had done that for Maddy, but Delilah was 100% sure that they didn't cross the lines that Evie and Delilah had.

Delilah hated work-cest for a reason, and that reason was the fact she'd lost her virginity to her own boss. Well, Delilah had assumed she'd lost her virginity to Evie. Now she knew the truth, but she still considered Evie her first time.

It had been entirely consensual and for training purposes. Delilah needed seduction training somehow, though this was something Delilah had asked for herself. She was fine dehumanising herself to have sex with a man like Jorge, but he would not take her virginity after what her father did to Dylan. She wouldn't let a man claim that from her after witnessing that.

Delilah didn't reply to Rue, but made a mental note to call her tomorrow when she figured out the best time zone for if she was in England or Canada.

Then, Spencer.

His last message was sent an hour ago, too, and his first was the day they'd gone back to Virginia. All were supportive in some way. He was treating her normally, too. There were book reviews and recommendations he thought she'd appreciate, and she was curious about a few. There were updates on Emily driving him to meetings and how he was going to make her proud by staying clean.

And his last message was a very simple text. Three words they had shared before, three words Delilah rarely spoke.

boygenius:

I love you x

girlgenius:

i love you

call you tomorrow?

boygenius:

Can't wait x

Delilah put her phone down on the bedside table, lying back on the pillows and staring up at the stained glass. The shower turned off, JJ coming out a few minutes later. Her hair was braided out of her face and she looked like the baby faced twenty nine year old that she truly was instead of the media liaison she became within the walls of the BAU.

JJ could be herself here. Delilah hated that she'd never see JJ's work face again, but it was for the better. She knew it was for the better.

JJ flicked the lights off, climbing into bed with Delilah and tucking the blankets over the two of them. They both looked up at the stained glass, the silence soft between them.

"Can I ask you something?" JJ asked softly.

"Sure."

"What did you feel?" JJ asked, turning her head to look at Delilah. "When you killed him."

Delilah turned her head to look back at JJ.

"Nothing," Delilah said. "Not at first. I was on autopilot. I kept telling myself I had to do whatever it took to survive. I had to come home. And then... Then I felt different. I didn't... I didn't mean to do what I did. I knew I was ending things, but I was going to let him just choke to death on his blood. He wouldn't have fought back."

"But something changed," JJ said softly.

"He got mouthy at me. I just... There was so much anger inside of me. I felt him die underneath my fists and I kept going. I couldn't stop. I... I don't even remember why I stopped. I don't know how long it took me. I know it had to take a while to do that, considering my physical state at the time, but..." Delilah trailed off, breaking eye contact.

She took a deep breath, chewing on the inside of her cheek.

"I felt calm, when I was done. I felt free. I ended thirty years of my dad being what he was, doing what he did to those poor boys, to my big brother, to my best friend. I saved Ziggy. I saved myself. It was finally over, and all I felt was relief," Delilah whispered. "I was free. For the first time in my whole life, I'm free from my father, but I'm not free at all. I can't change what I did to him, and all I feel is guilt."

JJ watched Delilah, not saying a word. Delilah stayed silent, too.

"I love you," JJ whispered, shuffling closer to kiss Delilah's face.

Her lips pressed just centimetres away from the scars on her cheek. They were soft and familiar, home in a way that reminded Delilah of her first kiss with Dylan. He had felt like home, even in that moment.

"How could a heart like yours ever love a heart like mine?" Delilah whispered.

"Easily," JJ whispered. "You opened up my eyes, Lilah. Your love is all I've ever known."

Delilah's eyes filled with tears, sliding down her cheeks without resistance. She'd wanted to cry all day, and now she finally had the chance to let it out.

"I'm not Lilah anymore," Delilah whispered. "I feel like an imposter. I died down there and came back wrong. Hotch said it himself. He can't love me. Derek hates me. I ruin everything I touch. I'm everything I tried so hard not to be and everything is my fault. I'm trying so hard, and nothing fucking works anymore."

JJ wrapped Delilah into her arms, holding her as Delilah cried into her chest. JJ ran her fingers through Delilah's hair, kissing her forehead gently.

"Let it out, baby. I've got you," JJ whispered.

"I can't," Delilah cried.

"You can. I'm here," JJ said softly.

"No. I can't do this. I can't love you how you want me to. I can't. I'm not good. I'm not good. I tried to be good and I'm not, and I can't. I can't trust myself. Not with you. Never with you," Delilah cried, chest aching through sobs.

"I know," JJ whispered, holding Delilah tighter. "I know, baby. Just breathe for me, okay? We can worry about this tomorrow. Just breathe."

Delilah tried. She focused on her breathing, timing it to JJ's, and she was doing well to get from the panicky sobs down to hiccupy sobs that hurt her healing ribs. JJ stayed quiet, running her fingers through Delilah's hair to help soothe her.

They just sat there for a moment, letting the pain settle in the room.

It was out there, now. Delilah couldn't love JJ like that right now. She did love her, with every single piece of her, whether it be good or bad. She just could not trust herself to love JJ when she hated herself so much.

This was self destructive behaviour, a trauma response. She was running away from this, but JJ deserved so much better than Delilah.

Delilah was never going to get better. She was never going to be anything more than she was right now, because this was who she truly was. She was hurricane Delilah and she ruined everything. JJ deserved worse than to have to weather this storm.

"I saw Strauss," Delilah whispered, voice raw.

"What?"

"At the BAU. I was there to see Strauss. I've requested a transfer to a different unit."

JJ stayed silent. Delilah couldn't look at her, didn't want to see the emotions on her face, right now.

"I'm sorry," Delilah whispered.

"It's okay," JJ whispered, kissing Delilah's forehead again. "I told Nora, when you were missing, that you never even had to look at me again if you came back. I'd give up everything I could have with you just for you to be alive. You're alive. That is all that matters to me. That is all that will ever matter to me. Thank you for coming home. Thank you for these three years of loving you."

Delilah buried her face in JJ's chest, JJ squeezing Delilah softly.

"Get some sleep, my love," JJ whispered. "I'll be here all night. Just focus on my heart and get some sleep."

Delilah nodded. JJ slipped her hand under Delilah's shirt, tracing over the tattoos on her back gently. Delilah felt sleep tugging at her before she could consider fighting it, and JJ seemed to know because she kissed Delilah's forehead, starting to move her thumb in soothing circles on her spine.

Delilah hoped she'd feel better tomorrow.

She doubted it.

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