AN: i'm a day late but it's fine! you get two chapters instead of one this way bc i feel guilty

i'm late to update bc i got a new kitten on sunday and she's the light of my life!

i would also like to for a moment over the fact that we're in season three! we've got a shitshow ahead of us guys so buckle tf up :) it's gonna hurt like a bitch i'm not even gonna lie, but the oblivious lesbians get together this season so like

are we winning or are we winning?

anyway, i don't think there's specific TWs for this chapter, but if i'm wrong please let me know

hope you enjoy!

•

"in nostalgia, there is no difference between a day, a year, a decade, or a lifetime, because the amount of longing is beyond the idea of time." - gibran khalil gibran

•

Delilah sat in one of the chairs at the foster care training class, listening to the social workers talk as she jotted notes down in her notebook.

It was the end of June, and she was near the end of her month off work and the end of her month long training. Today was one of the days she was alone because Liv was spreading her training over six weeks and was doing three days a week this week.

"Okay, let's call it there for the day," the social worker called.

Delilah closed her notebook over and shoved it in her bag, standing up and leaving the classroom they were in. She left the office building, pulling her phone out of her pocket and frowning when she saw a missed call from Hotch, a missed call from Derek, and a text from JJ.

JJ:

Gideon hasn't turned up for the case and Spencer is worried.

Delilah:

Thank you

Delilah clicked on Hotch's number, putting the phone to her ear as she headed back towards her car.

"Delilah, good," Hotch said.

"If this is about Gideon and Spencer, I know already," Delilah said.

"I mean, yes, but there's other stuff," Hotch said.

"Oh, go on," Delilah said, getting in the driver's seat of her car.

"There's a case in Milwaukie. Prentiss and I are flying out to join the team-"

"I thought you were on leave," Delilah said. "Awaiting transfer."

"My transfer hasn't gone through the system, yet. Neither has Prentiss' resignation," Hotch said.

"She's leaving? What? Why?" Delilah asked.

"I don't know," Hotch said.

She knew he was lying.

"Okay. Thanks for keeping me in the loop," Delilah said.

"I want you to come with us," Hotch said. "Your class just got out."

"I can't," Delilah said. "I'm on leave. And Liv and I are going out to Vegas in two days to meet Ziggy. I can't just leave my family for a job anymore, Hotch."

"I know," Hotch sighed. "I just wanted to check."

"Thanks," Delilah said. "Text me when you're expecting to be back."

"I will," Hotch said.

"Thanks," Delilah said, ending the call.

•

•

Delilah sat in the carpark of the BAU the next day. Her car engine was on and the car door was open, Delilah's legs hanging over the side as she waited for the team to return. A cigarette hung between her lips, smoke coiling into the darkening sky above her.

A car pulled into the parking lot, then another car. Delilah watched as they parked up, the team getting out. Delilah put her cigarette between her fingers, whistling loudly across the parking lot.

The team all turned to stare at her.

"Reid! Let's go!" Delilah called, taking a final drag of her cigarette before stomping it out beneath her converse. "We're on a time crunch, here! I gotta get a flight in ten hours!"

Spencer hurried across the parking lot, waving goodbye to the team as he climbed into the passenger seat of Delilah's car and buckled himself up.

"Where are we going?" Spencer asked.

"You're worried about Gideon," Delilah said, closing the car door behind herself as she got in.

She pulled out of the parking lot, heading towards the highway as she fiddled with the radio.

"Where are we going?" Spencer asked again.

"Gideon's cabin," Delilah said. "If he'll be anywhere, it's there. That's what you're worried about, right? That he's stopped turning up?"

"How did you... Derek?" Spencer said.

"Hotch," Delilah said. "Figured the easiest way to stop your head from falling off was to drive you there myself. I'm serious, though. The drive is two and a half hours each way, and I have a flight in ten hours. We can't dawdle. If you need to pee, you get one stop on the way there and back, and it will be a filthy gas station, or the side of the road."

"I will hold it," Spencer nodded.

"Smart choice," Delilah said.

They drove with only the music on the radio for about thirty minutes before Spencer spoke up again.

"Thank you," he said. "For taking me."

"Well, I wasn't going to let you drive there alone. You're shocking behind a wheel," Delilah grinned at him. "And I needed to get out of the apartment for a while. Liv's driving me insane over what outfits we need to pack for Vegas."

"Why are you going to Vegas?" Spencer asked.

"Visiting family," Delilah said.

"I thought your dad lived in California," Spencer said.

"I have biological family there," Delilah said.

"You do? I thought..."

"They were all dead?" Delilah said. "Yeah, me too. Turns out there's still one out there."

"Oh, that's cool. I think. Is it cool?" he asked.

"Maybe," Delilah said. "Not sure, yet."

Spencer nodded.

"I think we're gonna foster him. If he wants us to foster him, that is. He lives in Vegas, so, he gets a say in it because he'll have to move to Virginia," Delilah said.

"How old is he?" Spencer asked.

"Eight," Delilah said. "Eli's son."

"When did you find out about him?" Spencer asked.

"Uh... Before the Hankel case," Delilah said. "I'm off work to take foster parenting classes."

"Oh, wow," Spencer blinked. "Why didn't you..."

"Tell you?" Delilah asked. "A lot of legal red tape around the whole thing held it up for weeks until we knew he was definitely Eli's son. Then there's the whole if Ziggy wants to live with us thing. Figured there was no point announcing a change if the change was never going to happen," Delilah said.

"That's fair," Spencer said.

"I did want to tell you," Delilah said. "I did. And I am sorry I didn't. I don't really have an excuse about it."

"You're still learning to open up," Spencer shook his head. "I'm not mad at you. I get it."

"Thank you," Delilah said.

"Of course," Spencer smiled. "You're my sister."

"I know," Delilah smiled.

•

•

Delilah pulled up outside Gideon's house a few hours later, turning the car engine off and getting out of the car with a sigh. She stretched her legs out, walking towards the patio and lifting one of the flowerpots to find the spare key she'd started keeping at the cabin as a teenager.

She'd spent too many weekends away here as a teenager with Gideon, Dave, and Liv. This was where they taught Delilah how to fish, how to track people in the woods, how to get over her fear of the woods and cabins in the trees.

The cabin had never looked as haunting as it did today, however. Delilah knew Gideon wasn't here, more long gone in the wind. She didn't want to go inside and see the once lively cabin looking like something she once used to know.

She didn't want to say goodbye to Gideon, even if she already had. She'd known before she went off work for these classes that he was done. She'd just kept it to herself.

"All the lights are off," Spencer said, standing at Delilah's side as she stared at the cabin.

Delilah handed him the spare key and nodded at the door.

"I'll wait here for you," Delilah said.

"What?" Spencer asked.

"I..." Delilah trailed off. "Cabins scare the shit out of me, and this looks a lot like somewhere I don't want to remember."

Spencer nodded and took the key, grabbing his flashlight from his belt and turning it on. He unlocked the door and stepped inside, leaving Delilah outside. She fumbled in her pocket for her cigarettes, lighting one up as she sat on the steps on the porch.

She was only sat there for about five minutes before Spencer came to sit beside her, holding out a piece of paper. Delilah flicked the end of her cigarette in the ashtray on the porch for Dave's cigars, taking the letter.

Spencer, I knew it would be you who came to the cabin to check on me. I'm sorry the explanation couldn't be better. And I'm sorry it doesn't make more sense. But I've already told you, I just don't understand any of it anymore. I guess I'm just looking for it again. For the belief I had back in college. The belief I had when I first met Sarah and it all seemed so right. The belief in happy endings.

Delilah stared at the letter for a few seconds before looking at Spencer. He was crying, tears silently flowing down his cheeks as he stared ahead at Delilah's car.

"He didn't leave one for you," Spencer said.

"He didn't have to," Delilah said. "I already said goodbye."

"You knew he was leaving?" Spencer asked.

"I had a hunch," Delilah said, handing him back the letter. "Didn't know when, but I figured it was coming."

"You didn't tell me," Spencer said.

"There are some things I'm not gonna get involved in. Figured he needed to say goodbye to you in his own way," Delilah said.

Spencer nodded.

"I grew up here," Delilah said. "Kind of. Almost. Sometimes."

"What?" Spencer asked.

"Gideon, he's friends with my dad. That's how I know all of Hotch's family. And, no, it's not nepotism because it's not my real dad he's friends with," Delilah said.

Spencer nodded.

"Gideon used to invite us up to this cabin on weekends. It was for exposure therapy, at first. The woods, cabins, that kind of stuff. And then it was just weekends to escape reality. It was fishing weekends where Gideon and dad threw me and Liv off the boat because they thought it was funny. Poker nights where we gambled Skittles instead of money. Karaoke nights where I managed to get Gideon singing Whitney Houston," Delilah said.

"I think I'd pay to see that," Spencer chuckled.

"He's got a knack for the high notes," Delilah said. "Gideon? He's every woman."

Spencer laughed again, looking at Delilah.

"We're going to be okay, aren't we?" Spencer asked.

"We're gonna be fine," Delilah said. "You've got me, and I've got you. I told you."

"I know," Spencer said. "But... You're not gonna run away, are you?"

"No," Delilah said. "I promised I'd tell you before I ever ran away. I would tell you in person, too. No letters or anything. Just promise you won't cry on me."

"I promise," Spencer chuckled. "Maybe I'll come with you."

"Maybe," Delilah smiled. "Where are we going, then? Somewhere with a lot of books?"

"Sounds good," Spencer grinned. "Let's go home. I don't want you being late for your flight."

Delilah locked up the cabin, handing Spencer the spare key as she headed back to the car.

"That's my spare," Delilah said. "In case you need it. This is a good place to hide out when you need to escape. Shit cell service, too."

"Thanks," Spencer smiled, sliding into the passenger seat as she turned the engine off.

Delilah pulled away from the cabin, the two of them silent for a few minutes before Spencer spoke up.

"Naya," Spencer said.

"Inaya Bryant," Delilah said. "What about her?"

"She, uh... At that night in the bar, she told me about a bookstore café she stops at on her morning runs into work. Two blocks from the station," Spencer said.

"McCooleys?" Delilah said. "It's nice in there. They have a lot of Russian literature. A lot of Arabic poetry, too."

"McCooleys," Spencer repeated.

Delilah fiddled with the radio for a few seconds before glancing at him, setting her eyes back on the road.

"Naya's sweet," Delilah said. "Chaotic, like Liv, but less so. You might think about stopping by McCooleys."

"Maybe," Spencer said.

"She doesn't invite people there," Delilah said. "If she mentioned it to you, it's because she wants you to go."

"Why doesn't she invite people there?" Spencer asked.

Delilah shrugged.

"I don't know," Delilah said.

"Hm," Spencer hummed.

"It won't hurt to try," Delilah said. "Who knows? Might help you to do something you wouldn't normally do. Create new habits. Branch out. Make new friends. It doesn't have to turn into something. Believe it or not, Naya is actually very clued into emotions."

"I might," Spencer said. "I'll think about it."

"Keep me in the loop," Delilah smiled.

"I will," Spencer said. "Tell you what, I'll make you a deal."

"Okay," Delilah said.

"I'll go to the coffee shop," Spencer said. "If you tell me what happened with JJ."

"Oh, okay," Delilah nodded. "We're not talking right now. We didn't argue. We're just... We're moving on. Separately."

"Moving on?" Spencer asked.

"She... Is going through a lot. In terms of understanding her sexuality, and in terms of processing her family's opinions towards that. She's got..." Delilah trailed off.

"A lot of internalised homophobia because of her upbringing," Spencer said. "Will's what, then?"

"I don't know," Delilah said. "She said he does all these really nice things and, honestly, I like the guy. He seems really sweet, from what I know about him. And he's the kind of guy her mom and dad will love. I am not the kind of guy they'll love, because I'm not a guy."

"Ah," Spencer said. "So, you're just giving up?"

"There's nothing to fight for," Delilah said. "She doesn't want to hide me from her parents, and I don't want her to hide part of herself because of me. It's just... Dead before it really got the chance to go anywhere."

"That's bullshit," Spencer said frankly.

"Excuse me?" Delilah laughed.

"Lilah, you haven't loved anyone since Dylan. That's blatantly obvious to see. And, in this line of work, we don't get second chances to make things happen. If you love her, seriously love her, tell her. You two can figure something out," Spencer said.

"Not gonna happen," Delilah said.

"You're ruining it for yourself," Spencer said.

"Better than us giving things a go and ending in a few years. I'll have to run away, because I always run away, and I'll ruin Liv's life and everybody else's because they're all settled. This is... This is the longest I've settled anywhere since I was a kid. And actually enjoyed my life. And I'm a wreck, and a pessimist, and my own worst enemy, but I can't lose everything I've built. Not again," Delilah said.

"I still think you're dumb for not trying," Spencer said. "But I get it."

"Thanks," Delilah said.

"Are you scared to meet Ziggy?" Spencer asked.

"Terrified," Delilah chuckled. "Fucking terrified."

"It'll be okay. It's impossible not to like you," Spencer said.

"A lot of people don't like me," Delilah said.

"They don't know you. If they did, they'd love you," Spencer said. "And I'm a genius, so, I'm right."

Delilah laughed.

"Okay. I believe you," she said.

Spencer smiled, looking back out of the window.

"You would tell me, wouldn't you? I know you promised-"

"Spencer," Delilah laughed. "If, for any reason, I decide to run away, you will be told. You will know where I'm going. You will get my new phone number, and my new address."

"So, if you disappear without telling me that stuff, I should be worried?" Spencer said.

"I'm not going to," Delilah said. "I'd tell you."

"Okay," Spencer nodded. "I believe you."

"You sure? Need me to swear a blood vow, or something?" Delilah said.

"I'm sure," Spencer grinned. "Just making sure."

•

•

"So, what are your plans for the rest of the night?" Spencer asked, fiddling with the radio as Delilah officially made it back onto the interstate straight into Virginia.

"Packing," Delilah sighed. "What does one wear to meet a secret nephew they didn't know existed until a few months ago?"

"I... don't know," Spencer chuckled. "You want to make a good impression."

"I know," Delilah said. "It's whatever. I'll figure it out. What are your plans?" she asked.

"Probably reading," Spencer said.

"Are you gonna eat?" Delilah asked.

"I don't think I have food in," Spencer said.

"I can cook for you and drop you home on the way to the airport, if you want? Or you can crash at my place. I don't care," Delilah said.

"You'd let me stay there without you?" Spencer asked.

"Yeah," Delilah said. "You're not gonna find anything weird."

"I wasn't going to look," Spencer laughed.

"Still, you won't find anything weird. Not in my room, at least. Liv's room, probably not as safe," Delilah said.

"Wait, seriously? What'll be in there?" Spencer asked, turning to look at Delilah.

"When we were growing up, she went through a phase where she kept tarantula skins in jars around her room. She knew they terrified me, so, she used to put them on my bed when I slept and I'd wake up and scream thinking it's a real tarantula," Delilah said.

"I don't want to go to your house, anymore," Spencer said.

"She doesn't have them now," Delilah laughed. "I'm just saying, it wouldn't surprise me if she has some weird shit in her room."

"I still don't want to go to your house," Spencer said.

"Technically, it's not my house," Delilah said. "It's Liv's. Both the house and apartment are in her name. Oldest surviving child, and all that shit."

"Did Liv inherit it from your mother?" Spencer asked.

"She bought it as soon as my dad left," Delilah said. "Thought I might want it when I grew up."

"And you didn't?" Spencer asked.

"Would you want to live in the house that you grew up in?" Delilah raised an eyebrow.

"Sometimes, I miss the house I grew up in," Spencer said.

"I think that, sometimes," Delilah said. "And then I realise I probably miss my childhood."

"I don't think I ever really was a child," Spencer mused. "Even when I was a child, I was more mature than my age."

"Well, being a certified genius would do that to you, I imagine," Delilah said.

"Says another certified genius," Spencer laughed.

"I am not a certified genius," Delilah laughed.

"You literally are a doctor. You have PhDs! Your IQ is one eighty two! That's only five below mine," Spencer said. "You skipped three years of school."

"Technically, I did miss a year, so, did I really skip three years?" Delilah said. "And who told you my IQ? I've never told anybody my IQ."

"Penelope snooped through your file and told me when she got too drunk on cocktails after some trivia night we went to," Spencer said.

"What else did she tell you?" Delilah asked curiously.

"Your birthday," Spencer said.

Delilah rolled her eyes.

"Honestly, I thought you would've put that one together, yourself. I'm such a scorpio," Delilah said.

"The secretiveness and loyalty give it away, yes," Spencer nodded. "I mean, I always noticed how you avoided Halloween, but I thought it was just because you prefer Christmas."

"Halloween in general is, like, a whole event dedicated to my suffering. Christmas is drinking and getting fat. What's not to prefer about Christmas?" Delilah said. "Are you coming over?"

"Yeah," Spencer hummed. "Can't have you dressing like an idiot to meet your nephew."

"That's rude, yet true," Delilah scowled. "He's going to hate me. He is literally going to hate me. I hate me. Why am I doing this?"

"I don't know," Spencer said. "But I don't hate you."

"Maybe you need a psych eval," Delilah said.

"Maybe I do," Spencer chuckled. "Maybe you do."

"I definitely do," Delilah said. "I can't come back to work without one."

"Because of meeting the kid?" Spencer asked.

"Yeah," Delilah said.

"That's fair. And a good idea," Spencer said.

"Have you been seeing Vince?" Delilah asked.

"Once a week," Spencer nodded. "He's very..."

"He's like Liv," Delilah said.

"Yeah, that's it," Spencer chuckled. "Why is Liv so... Liv?"

"Honestly?" Delilah sighed. "I think her brain developed wrong."

"Developed wrong?" Spencer asked.

"There's several studies that show childhood trauma negatively impacts brain development. There are also several studies that show growing up in a drug-filled home could lead to negative brain damage because of things like second hand highs," Delilah said. "Liv got lumped with both. We're both fucked up. Just differently."

Spencer stared at her for a few seconds.

"She raised you," Spencer said.

"She did," Delilah said.

"Because of your trauma," Spencer said.

"Yeah," Delilah said.

"Did she ever process her own?" Spencer asked.

Delilah frowned as she pulled off the highway towards Virginia, trying to think about it.

Liv had never mentioned going to her own therapist. She talked about her feelings, constantly, but she didn't really seem to do much about them. She always put Delilah first. She had always put Delilah first.

She'd almost dropped her scholarship to medical school to raise Delilah. The only reason she went was because Dave came to live with them and take over for Liv when she had classes.

For as long as Delilah could remember, Liv had always been there. Liv had been the one to find Delilah when Delilah found their mother dead in the kitchen. Liv had been the one to do Delilah's hair and dress her for the funeral when Liv was a mere thirteen years old. Liv had been the one to comfort Delilah when Eli went off to college, and had called daily when she herself went off to college.

And she did not give up when Delilah's dad disappeared with her. Liv had spent the entire eight and a half months Delilah was gone searching everywhere for her, calling anybody she could think of, going to any law enforcement that could help.

Liv had raised Delilah after that, had supported her in her decision to go into the FBI, had written letters for four years for every day Delilah was undercover so she could tell Delilah any and everything that had happened without her. She was still living with Delilah now, just so Delilah wouldn't be alone.

And Delilah supported Liv, but she hadn't done half as much as Liv had done for her. She hadn't had to. Liv had always been the sister with her shit together. She'd always been the older sister, and never the child.

"I don't know," Delilah said. "I... I don't know."

"Maybe she needs therapy," Spencer said.

"I'll let you tell her that and see how it goes," Delilah said. "Hey, do you want cheese on toast? Or something real?"

"Cheese on toast sounds good," Spencer grinned.

•