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"i need a life that isn't just about needing to escape my life." - roberto polito

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"And you're sure you want to go alone?" Liv asked.

She was stood opposite Delilah in the kitchen the next morning, Delilah having returned from an early morning run after barely sleeping all night, even with JJ wrapped around her like a human furnace. Delilah had spent the night with one headphone in, listening to an audio book about elephants because that was the first one she saw and she needed something random.

It had distracted her, and she'd started a book about snakes on her hour long run.

"Liv, yes," Delilah sighed, moving around the kitchen as she made bacon, eggs and toast for breakfast.

"But is it smart to go home for the first time in almost fifteen years alone?" Liv asked.

"It's not home, because home is the Highlands and we're meeting in Jacksonville, and I'm not alone. I'm meeting Nora and Colin," Delilah said.

"You're still in the same state. At Halloween. The anniversary. Nora and Colin are going to be grieving, too. And you haven't seen them in, like, ever. You have to fly alone, so, you're going to be an anxious mess overthinking seeing Nora and Colin, and you might have a panic attack and go off the rails and spiral and disappear completely and leave me as an only child again-" Liv rambled.

"Olivia, shut up," Delilah sighed, turning to look at her sister. "I know what I'm doing. I'm landing in Jacksonville at half six. I'll get a cab straight to my hotel and stay there until the next day. Colin and Nora are coming to stay in the hotel with me so I'm not gonna get triggered seeing black balloons or Halloween things, and then I'm flying home the next day," Delilah said.

"You will call me before takeoff, when you land, the morning of, the night of, before your flight home, and I will pick you up from the airport. Non negotiable," Liv said.

"That's fair," Delilah nodded, a small smile coming onto her face. "Thanks for looking out for me. I'm gonna be okay," Delilah said.

"Okay. You want to wake up your better half or should I?" Liv said.

"You can. I'll plate up breakfast and get her tea boiled," Delilah said, moving to the kettle.

"Okay," Liv said.

Liv disappeared down the hallway, heading towards Delilah's bedroom to wake JJ up while Delilah started getting plates, cups and cutlery ready for the breakfast.

Liv knocked on Delilah's door, pushing it open and peering inside. JJ was sitting on Delilah's bed, braiding her hair and freshly showered, wearing a pair of pyjama shorts and one of Delilah's t-shirts.

"Hey, Lilah's got breakfast nearly ready if you're hungry," Liv said.

"Hey, thanks," JJ said.

She tied her braid off, standing up and following Liv down the hallway to the kitchen, where Delilah was putting three plates on the island where three cups were set out, two on one side, one on the other.

Delilah sat down, JJ assuming the seat beside her, while Liv sat opposite. The three of them started eating, JJ smiling when she saw the tea Delilah had made for her.

"So, any plans for the day?" Liv asked.

"Hiding in the apartment so I don't see Halloween decorations. You?" Delilah said.

"I am going grocery shopping for the next few days and then I'm heading to the hospital this afternoon for a consult. I'll be home by, like, eight?" Liv said.

"Brain tumour?" Delilah asked.

"Another whopper of one, yeah," Liv nodded, taking a sip of her coffee. "It's massive. Don't know if I can do anything about it without leaving the poor kid dead, but, I've gotta try. He's going to college soon. He's so smart, it's insane. He's fourteen, too. He's called Spencer, actually, which I thought was quite funny," Liv smiled.

"What options do you have?" JJ asked.

"Surgery is the only one. He's had chemo to shrink it, but the cancer won't be fully gone if I don't cut it out. Nineteen surgeons have refused his case. I'm hoping I'm lucky number twenty who can do it," Liv said.

"Sounds intense," Delilah mumbled, taking a bite of her bacon. "Maybe I'll become a vegetarian," she mused.

"Really perpetuating the lesbian stereotypes, huh?" Liv smirked, taking a bite of her toast.

"Says you," Delilah laughed. "Who was that girl you moved in with after two weeks a few years ago? The one who stalked you for two months after you broke up and only backed off when dad threatened to report her to the FBI because he has connections?" Delilah said.

"Okay, that was a lapse in my judgement and you can't hold that against me anymore," Liv pointed at her. "Whatever. What about you, JJ? Any plans?" she said.

"Nothing planned. My mom might try and call me to talk to me, but, probably not," JJ said.

"You got some mommy issues there, blondie?" Liv said.

"Olivia, I swear to god-" Delilah started.

"What? I get it! We both get it. Our mom was hardly fucking perfect," Liv scoffed. "So, she fits right in."

"I do, I guess," JJ shrugged.

"I love common interests for us to bond over," Delilah said flatly, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Okay, any requests from the grocery store?" Liv said, standing up to scrape her plate into the bin.

"Uh, redbull. And ice cream. And cookies. And-" Delilah said.

"Stuff to make cakes," JJ said quickly. "Please."

"Okay," Liv nodded, putting her plate in the sink. "I'll be back, soon. Don't burn the house down," Liv said, heading to the front door.

"It's an apartment," Delilah called after her.

"Stop being pedantic!" Liv called back.

The front door closed and Delilah rolled her eyes fondly, looking at JJ.

"She's a nightmare," Delilah said.

"She's great. I really like her," JJ laughed, taking a sip of her tea. "So, plan for the day: we watch one of your favourite movies and play a boardgame, and then we are gonna bake a cake together," JJ said.

"I don't celebrate my birthday," Delilah said.

"I know. It's not for your birthday," JJ said.

"Why are we baking a cake, then?" Delilah asked.

"Well, you can say no, and we can just bake a cake for no reason, but I kind of thought it would be nice if we did a little birthday wish for Dylan. It's fifteen years and I know it's a long time to have to go without your best friend. I feel it with Ros and I do this on her birthday. I get that it's different with you and Dylan, but it might be nice," JJ said quietly, looking at Delilah with her head resting on her propped up hand.

Delilah's mouth dropped open, her body turning to look at JJ. Delilah blinked a few times, her eyes dropping to JJ's lips before she forced herself to look up and meet JJ's eyes again.

"I... Yeah. That sounds nice. I... I would like that. Thank you," Delilah said.

"Yay!" JJ grinned.

She moved quickly, pulling Delilah into a tight hug and kissing her forehead.

"Oh, this is gonna be so much fun! Y'know, I always said I'd bake my kids their birthday cakes every year, but I don't actually know how to bake cakes," JJ said.

"Lucky for you, I do," Delilah grinned, standing up and starting to clear the island.

"When did you learn to bake? And cook?" JJ asked.

"When I moved in with Dave," Delilah said. "I did homeschooling and Liv had long hours at work so, it was mostly just him and I at home for hours with nothing to do. And I wasn't sleeping, 'cause, well, grief, and Dave thought that cooking and baking would be a good outlet for me. It was. I can cook almost anything, now, and bake anything," Delilah smiled.

"When I meet him, I'm gonna thank him. You're such a catch," JJ said, finishing her tea off.

Delilah blinked. There was a lot to unpack in that sentence, but one thing stuck out.

"You want to meet my dad?" Delilah asked, turning to look at JJ.

"Yeah," JJ shrugged. "He's your dad. And I've met Liv. Might as well meet your dad, too," JJ said.

"When he's next in town, I'll figure it out," Delilah smiled. "Now, I'm gonna shower. Get Mean Girls ready," Delilah said.

"Yes, ma'am," JJ smiled, heading to the living room while Delilah headed to her bedroom.

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"Your icing skills are shit," Delilah said, peering over JJ's shoulder as she attempted to frost the birthday cake a few hours later.

"Okay, don't judge my skills when you know I don't bake," JJ laughed, turning her head to look at Delilah. "It's not easy."

"Let me help," Delilah said.

"Please, help," JJ nodded.

Delilah moved her arms around JJ's side, repositioning the piping bag in JJ's hands, her own hands resting over JJ's to help her with the technique. The cake was already covered in a blue fondant, white fondant cut out to look like clouds and stuck along the sides of the cake with fondant dinosaurs in different colours stuck around the base of the cake.

"Okay, so, we want light pressure for this type of piping nib. Too much pressure and we'll burst the bag," Delilah said, gently squeezing on the bag and guiding JJ's hand to create multicoloured swirls on the top of the cake. "Like that," she said.

"How do you know if it's too much pressure?" JJ asked, a small frown on her face.

"You just kind of have to figure it out. Once you do a few and figure out your rhythm, you get into the swing of it," Delilah said, helping JJ pipe another two swirls. "Okay, you try," Delilah said, moving her hands away.

JJ winced, but slowly squeezed the bag and drew a swirl on the cake in the frosting. It wasn't bad for her first one now she knew the technique, and Delilah grinned.

"You're a quick learner. Keep going," Delilah said.

"I have a good teacher," JJ smiled. "You're gonna do the writing, right?" she said.

"Yes, don't worry," Delilah laughed.

She moved to stand at JJ's side, scraping white frosting into a new piping bag with the nib for cursive writing. She twisted the end of the bag, pushing the frosting down and doing a test strip on a scrap piece of fondant.

"All done," JJ smiled, stepping back from the cake.

"Very nice," Delilah nodded, looking over at the cake. "I'm impressed."

"So am I," JJ laughed.

Delilah moved to stand in front of the cake, starting to write on the fondant between the frosting spirals.

"Your handwriting is so pretty," JJ mumbled, resting her chin on Delilah's shoulder as she watched her hands move effortlessly.

Delilah finished off the message, "Happy Birthday Dylan!", then put the piping bag on the side to sort later.

"Liv won't be home for a while. Wanna eat it while we watch something?" Delilah asked.

"We've got to do the candles, first," JJ said, moving to grab the candles Liv had found for them before leaving for her work talk.

She put the three candles in the cake, grabbing the lighter off the side and lighting it up.

"I don't wanna sing happy birthday," Delilah sighed, staring at the candles burning.

"We don't have to," JJ said, putting the lighter down and wrapping herself around Delilah's side again. "You can just blow the candles out," JJ said.

Delilah nodded, blinking at the flames a few times before closing her eyes, saying a silent prayer for her best friend, wherever he was, then blew out the candles.

Delilah opened her eyes, watching the smoke curl up in the air from the candles.

"I wanna take a picture, then we can eat it," Delilah said.

"I'll get plates and a knife," JJ mumbled, squeezing Delilah before moving to get the things.

Delilah took the candles out and took her phone out of her back pocket, taking a few photos of the cake and sending them to Dave, then put her phone in her pocket and carried the cake into the living room after JJ.

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"Thank you," Delilah said.

The customs man nodded, handing Delilah her receipt. Delilah took it and walked away from the Starbucks in the airport, heading towards the seats near her gate so she could be ready for departure time.

Dave had bought her a first class ticket to Jacksonville so the flight would, hopefully, be more tolerable for Delilah alone. Delilah thought first class wouldn't really do shit if she was going to have a breakdown, but it was better to cry in first class than in business.

She sat on one of the seats and took a sip of her coffee, then pulled her phone out and texted Nora and Colin that she was waiting for her flight to depart. She then sent the same text in the family groupchat with Liv and Dave, then headed to call JJ, as JJ had asked her to phone in the airport if she needed anything.

And Delilah didn't need anything. JJ was probably in work, or in a briefing, but she'd assured Delilah she was fine to call because they had no active cases right now that they were travelling for, so, Delilah could call when she wanted to.

And maybe Delilah just wanted to hear JJ's voice before her flight. There was nothing wrong with that.

"Hey, Lilah," JJ said into the phone. "You at the airport?"

"Yeah, waiting for them to call boarding. Good time?" Delilah asked.

"Always, for you," JJ chuckled into the phone. "Let me just go to my office, okay?"

"Okay," Delilah said.

"Derek and Spencer say hi, by the way," JJ said.

"Say hi from me," Delilah said.

"She says hi from her," JJ relayed back. "Okay, I'm in my office. How are you feeling? Did you sleep?"

"I'm okay. I didn't sleep much, but I read a few books to keep myself distracted, so, it's not too bad, yet," Delilah said.

"Any interesting ones?" JJ said.

"A new one about soulmates that Liv picked up for me," Delilah said. "It was talking about all different soulmate theories across the world in cultures and religions and shit. Actually very educational," Delilah said.

"Ohh, I want to read that. That can be my next book when we have another sleepover," JJ said.

"You know, you can go to the apartment while I'm gone and read it, if you want," Delilah said, looking down at her coffee and taking another sip. "Might be good for Liv to not be alone, too. You don't have to. But... I dunno, you don't like being alone after cases and I'm not there, but Liv will be. She never works on my birthday," Delilah said.

"I've, uh, actually already text Liv to see if she wanted to hang out tonight. We're going to do our files together and get thai food," JJ said. "I figured she wouldn't want to be alone. She mentioned not feeling great about you flying alone, so, I figured I could try and keep her sane so you don't get overwhelmed with her phoning you every five minutes while you're away."

Delilah couldn't help but smile, cheeks flushing red.

"That's really sweet of you. Thank you, Jayje," Delilah said.

"You don't have to thank me for that. I wanted to do it," JJ laughed. "What's the book called? I'll read it if I get bored of the case files."

"It's on my bedside table, it's just called Soulmate Theories," Delilah said.

"Can't wait," JJ grinned.

"Flight 418 to Jacksonville, first class boarding is open," the announcer said.

"That's my call. I'll text you when I land?" Delilah said.

"I'll probably be with Liv, so, yeah, text one of us, please," JJ said.

Delilah stood up, swinging her bag over her shoulder and sipping on her coffee as she started walking towards the gate.

"I will."

"Have a safe flight, honey," JJ said.

"Thank you," Delilah said.

JJ was silent for a few seconds. Delilah winced, praying that JJ wasn't about to say what Delilah had a feeling she was going to say.

"I've gotta go. Bye, Jayje," Delilah said quickly.

"Bye, Lilah," JJ said, voice quiet.

Delilah ended the call and put her phone in her pocket, grabbing her passport and boarding pass out of her bag and joining the small line for first class. She sipped her coffee again, wincing to herself.

She didn't want JJ to say she loved Delilah. Delilah wouldn't say it back. She couldn't. She meant it different than JJ did and not telling her the truth would break Delilah's heart. She would keep secrets from JJ, but Delilah would not lie and say she loved her when it was more to Delilah.

She just couldn't. But not saying anything back if JJ said it was also bad. So, the only solution was to shut down any scenario where that was a possibility. JJ knew Delilah loved her through her actions. The words didn't need to be said.

Delilah handed her passport and boarding pass to the lady at the terminal, her nodding Delilah in as she handed her documents back. Delilah headed down the tunnel and onto the plane, thanking the attendant that showed her to her seat. Delilah sat down and put her bag on the floor, putting her seatbelt on and putting her feet up on the footrest opposite her while she waited for takeoff.

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Delilah lay in the hotel bed, a bottle of vodka at her bedside and a bowl of cookie dough in her lap. She had The Grinch playing on the hotel television, curtains pulled to block out the streetlights outside.

Her phone vibrated on the bed beside her and she picked it up, taking another bite of cookie dough as she saw the incoming call from Liv. She answered it, putting the phone to her ear.

"Hey," Delilah said. "I'm eating cookie dough. The hotel literally has cookie dough on their menu. I'm so happy," Delilah said.

"Are you drinking?" Liv asked.

"I have a vodka lemonade. Nothing exciting. Just figured I'd need a bit of help to sleep," Delilah said.

"Let's not make that a habit, okay?" Liv said.

"Okay," Delilah said, leaning over to screw the lid on the vodka bottle.

"So, JJ and I are currently doing our work together, ew to work. We've also got thai food, yummy. Any plans for your night?" Liv asked.

"I'm watching the Grinch," Delilah said.

"I love the Grinch," Liv sighed. "Have you spoke to dad?"

"I rang him before, yeah. He's fine," Delilah said.

"Okay, good. And you've spoken to Nora and Colin?"

"They're coming here at twelve with lunch."

"Good, good. And you've got supplies so you don't have to leave the hotel room until before your flight?"

"I stopped at the store on my way to the hotel and stocked up."

"Good," Liv said. "That's all I can think of. Was your flight okay?"

"Yeah, I listened to an audio book on the way. It was about the theory of solipsism," Delilah said.

"That's a dark theory," Liv said. "Was it good?"

"No, it was so boring. I remember nothing. Nothing exists," Delilah said.

"That's what the theory is about," Liv said. "Oh, Lilah, I'm getting a call from one of my residents. I gotta get this. Uh, I'll text you in the morning. I love you," Liv said.

"I love you, too," Delilah said.

"Bye."

"Bye."

Delilah threw her phone on the bed again, taking another bite of her cookie dough as she looked back at the grinch.

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