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"i appreciate your concern. none of this is your fault. it's me. it's me and my head. in winter, i collapse." - virginia woolf

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Delilah danced to the music still blaring in the club a few hours later, a blonde stranger's hands on her waist and her head tilted back against their shoulder as they moved together. She was drunk, very drunk, and she knew she was either going to end up having sex in the club bathroom or going home and vomiting her guts out in front of JJ.

And, honestly, Delilah would prefer the vomiting. Club sex was even more disgusting than that.

"You want another drink, baby?" the woman behind Delilah whispered, lips dragging over Delilah's throat and making Delilah shiver.

"Vodka double with lemonade," Delilah said.

"I'll be back," the girl said, moving away from Delilah on the dance floor.

Delilah walked over to the booth where the few remaining members of her team were. Liv was off dancing with a woman Delilah didn't recognise, while Derek and Elle were off dancing with a group of men and women. Penelope and Spencer were sat talking over drinks, while JJ was texting on her phone beside them.

Delilah sat down beside JJ, leaning back against the booth and taking a deep breath.

"You look like you're having fun," JJ said, putting her phone away to look at Delilah.

"I'm hot," Delilah said, tucking her hair behind her ears.

"Yes, you are," JJ mumbled, looking Delilah up and down.

"Don't make it messy, pretty girl," Delilah laughed, sitting up to turn and look at JJ. "What about you? Are you having fun?"

"I'd be having more fun if you weren't dancing with that girl," JJ said.

Delilah raised an eyebrow.

"Jayje?" she said quietly. "You drunk, babe?" she asked.

"Very," JJ shrugged. "I'm still being honest. What's that saying? A drunk mind speaks sober thoughts," she said.

"Yeah, that's the saying. Why are you miserable that I'm dancing with this girl?" Delilah said.

"'Cause you're my best friend, not hers," JJ said, sipping on her vodka lemonade.

"I'm not dancing with this girl to be best friends," Delilah said quietly.

"I know," JJ said.

Delilah frowned for a minute, looking over the table at Penelope and Spencer. They were still too deeply involved in their conversation to even know what JJ was talking about.

"Here's your little girlfriend," JJ said, taking another sip of her drink.

Delilah turned around, wincing when she felt a cold hand slip into hers. She looked down, seeing it was JJ's hand. Delilah squeezed it, looking back at the girl she'd been dancing with.

She knew what JJ wanted by holding her hand, even if she didn't say it. And she knew she had a choice to make. This girl wasn't anything special, but she was someone Delilah would probably have sex with if they kept dancing. And JJ was upset Delilah was dancing with another girl over her, even if Delilah and JJ were just best friends.

JJ wanted Delilah to stay with her.

"Hey, you coming back to dance?" the girl said, leaning against the side of the booth and smiling at Delilah, holding out the vodka double.

"I think we're actually going home, now. I'm sorry," Delilah said. "I can give you the money for the drink," she said.

"Or you could give me your number," the girl smirked, looking Delilah up and down. "I wouldn't mind seeing you when I'm sober."

"Cute," Penelope cooed from the other side of the table. "Give her your number, Lilah," she said.

"Is that your name, Lilah?" the girl asked.

"Delilah, yeah," Delilah said.

"I'm Jacey," the girl said, holding her phone out. "So, your number?" she smirked.

"Here's the thing, Jacey," Delilah said. "I don't date. So, if you want more than a quick fuck when I'm stressed from work, I'm not the girl you should be wasting your time on," Delilah said.

"I appreciate you being upfront," Jacey said. "I'm down for a quick fuck if you want me to be down for one," she smirked.

"Of course you are," JJ whispered to herself. Delilah bit the inside of her cheek, taking Jacey's phone with her other hand.

She typed in one of her phone numbers for her burner phones, then handed Jacey's phone back.

"I'll see you around, Lilah," Jacey said, walking away and swinging her hips.

"Did you give her a fake? That wasn't your number," Spencer said.

"How did you even see me type that in from across the table?" Delilah frowned.

"You didn't move your thumb in the correct order for it to be your main cellphone number," Spencer said.

"It's not a fake. I have a few phones," Delilah said.

"Why?" Penelope said.

"Because I'm paranoid about people having my phone number, so, I give them burner phones that only ping off cell towers to keep myself hidden," Delilah said, sipping on the vodka Jacey had brought her.

"Why are you paranoid?" Penelope asked.

"Because we're FBI agents who hunt monsters for a living, and a lot of serial killers escape capture and come back for revenge?" Delilah said.

"Are you going to text her?" JJ asked.

"I don't know, yet. I'll see how much sober Delilah hates drunk Delilah in the morning," Delilah said. "Now, I believe I told her I was leaving and I do not want to be around in case she comes back. So, I'll get Liv, you get your shit, and we'll get a cab home," Delilah told JJ.

"Okay, honey," JJ smiled dopily up at her, cheeks flushed from how hot the club was and how much she'd drank.

Delilah let go of JJ's hand and left the booth, heading over to Liv and telling her they were leaving. Liv said she was going home with her stranger and would be back at some point afterwards, telling Delilah to text when they got home. She said goodbye to Derek and Elle, then headed back over to Penelope and Spencer to say goodbye.

"Call that girl," Penelope told Delilah as they hugged. "If you won't date JJ, you should still have fun."

"I'll see how I feel," Delilah said, kissing her forehead. "Bye," she said.

"Bye, guys. Text us when you get home," Spencer said.

"My location is on for Penelope," Delilah said, holding her hand out to JJ.

JJ took it, intertwining their fingers as Delilah tugged her out of the club. She hailed a cab quickly, wincing at the cold air hitting her skin. They hadn't brought jackets, stupidly enough.

They got into the back, Delilah telling the man her address and leaning back in the seat. JJ rested her head against Delilah's shoulder, sighing before moving her legs to drape them over Delilah's knees.

"Tired?" Delilah smiled.

"Extremely. I'm so drunk," JJ whispered, looking up at Delilah through her eyelashes.

Delilah swallowed roughly, staring down at JJ's blue eyes before her gaze dropped to JJ's lips. She forced her eyes forward at the back of the driver's seat, sighing to herself.

"Hey," JJ whispered.

"Hm?" Delilah mumbled.

"Look at me?" JJ whispered.

Delilah looked down at JJ slowly, keeping her face blank of any emotion.

"Are you mad at me? For not wanting you to dance with that girl?" JJ whispered.

"I could never be mad at you," Delilah sighed. "I just don't think you know why you didn't want me to dance with her, and I think you're going to be embarrassed when you remember this tomorrow," Delilah said.

"I'm sorry. For not knowing. I just... She had her hands on you. All over you. And you were enjoying it. And it bothered me. She looks just like me, and you don't look at me the way you looked at her," JJ said quietly.

Delilah stared down at JJ for a few seconds before sighing, kissing her forehead.

"We can talk about this tomorrow," Delilah said, knowing full well that JJ wouldn't remember this tomorrow.

Hopefully, she wouldn't remember this tomorrow, either. This conversation was implying so many things about their future as friends, or as more than friends, and Delilah's poor little gay heart couldn't take it.

Everything would become real. JJ would end up dead or hurt like everybody else who loved Delilah in a romantic way, and it would be Delilah's fault. She would push JJ away before that could ever happen, isolate herself and change departments, just so JJ wouldn't have her heart broken.

Delilah was so afraid of losing anything she loved, so she refused to love anything. And JJ had appeared out of nowhere, made Delilah disregard all her rules about keeping her work and private life separate. In a matter of months, JJ had learnt more about Delilah than the rest of her teammates.

It was terrifying, and it was scaring Delilah. They couldn't be more than friends, ever. It wouldn't work.

"Here we go, ladies," the driver said, pulling up at the apartment complex.

"Here," Delilah handed him forty bucks and opened the car door, pulling JJ out and closing the door before he could give her the change. "C'mon, Jayje," she said, tugging JJ towards the entrance.

They headed inside and to the elevator, JJ pressing the button for the thirteenth floor while Delilah fumbled for her keys. She grabbed them and they stepped off when the doors opened, walking to Delilah's door and unlocking it.

Delilah turned the alarms off, locking the door behind her and kicking her heels off.

"You go get into some pyjamas and take your makeup off. I'll get water and painkillers for tomorrow," Delilah said.

"Okay," JJ yawned, heading down the hallway to Delilah's room.

Delilah grabbed three bottles of water and two packets of painkillers, leaving one of each in Liv's room before heading to her own room. JJ was in the bathroom, so, Delilah dumped the water and painkillers on her bedside table and tugged her dress off, grabbing an oversized t-shirt and pulling it on with a pair of shorts.

The bathroom door opened and JJ stepped out, just wearing one of Delilah's oversized t-shirts with her makeup off and hair thrown back into a messy braid. Delilah passed her on the way into the bathroom, closing the door for a minute to breathe.

She grabbed the makeup wipes, staring at herself as she wiped the products off her face. Her concealer being removed showed a small scar on the side of Delilah's jaw underneath her ear, a silver line that curved left at the bottom to look like a J.

Delilah chewed the inside of her cheek as she grabbed the hairbrush, brushing through her hair and tying it up into a ponytail, a few strands loose to frame her face. She brushed her teeth, then flicked the light off and headed back into her bedroom.

JJ had turned the lamp on and was sat on Delilah's bed, staring at her phone as she typed a message to Liv and Penelope to say they were home and safe. Delilah climbed into the bed beside her, putting her phone on charge and then lying down against the pillows with a yawn.

"It's half four in the morning. I'm so surprised we were the first ones home before Spencer," Delilah said.

"I know," JJ chuckled, putting her phone on the bedside table and lying down beside Delilah under the covers. "He and Penelope were getting ready to leave when we were," JJ said.

Delilah hummed, rubbing her eyes tiredly. A cold finger poked Delilah's face and she flinched back, looking at JJ.

"Sorry," JJ whispered. "You have a scar. I've never noticed it before," JJ said.

"Your hands are cold," Delilah mumbled, turning on her side to face away from JJ.

"Are you mad at me?" JJ asked again, flicking the lamp off and leaving them in darkness.

"No, Jayje. I'm not mad at you," Delilah mumbled.

"Then why are you being so quiet with me?" JJ whispered.

"Because you're drunk and you're saying things you don't mean. I'm trying to stop you regretting this tomorrow," Delilah sighed.

"That's called a hangover," JJ said.

Delilah couldn't help but smile slightly.

"You know what I mean," Delilah said.

"I'm not gonna regret it. I never regret anything about you," JJ said.

"That's cute," Delilah said.

"You're cute," JJ said.

Delilah turned on her side to face JJ, their faces coming inches apart from each other. JJ reached out again, tracing over the scar with a gentle finger.

"It's a J," JJ whispered.

"Well done," Delilah whispered back.

"How'd you get it?" JJ asked.

"On a case a few years ago," Delilah said.

"Did someone do it to you? An unsub?" JJ asked.

"I told him to," Delilah said.

"Why?" JJ said, tracing over it again.

"It was a test of loyalty. Would I let him hurt me or the kids I was there to protect? I picked myself," Delilah said.

"That's sick. Him making you do that. Did you get the information you needed?" JJ said.

"I did," Delilah said.

"Did he pay for what he did?" JJ whispered.

"He paid," Delilah said.

"Where is he, now?" JJ said.

"Rotting in a jail cell," Delilah said.

"Good," JJ mumbled, moving her hand from Delilah's face to wrap it around Delilah's waist. "Can we go to sleep?" JJ mumbled.

"Yeah," Delilah said, feeling JJ shuffle in closer so their chests were pressed together, JJ's head against Delilah's collarbone, their legs tangled together under the blankets.

"You're my best friend, Lilah," JJ whispered.

"You're mine, too, J," Delilah whispered back.

JJ's head moved, and then Delilah felt JJ's lips pressing against her throat in a kiss. JJ's head moved back down again, Delilah's body relaxed even if her mind was practically on fire and burning into ashes at that very moment.

"I love you," JJ mumbled.

Delilah opened her mouth, then closed it again. How did JJ love her? Why did she love her?

She didn't understand it. She hadn't understood it with Dylan, either. How did a heart like his love a heart like Delilah's? How did a heart like JJ's love a heart like Delilah's?

And how did Delilah find it in her own broken heart to still fall in love after what she'd done and been through?

Delilah didn't answer, but it didn't matter. JJ was fast asleep and she would never remember this tomorrow. Delilah didn't want to remember it, tomorrow. Delilah figured she'd probably just avoid the topic if JJ ever tried to bring anything from tonight up. It would be for the best.

Delilah still couldn't deny it, though. Tonight had made things messy. Even if JJ didn't remember, Delilah might, and Delilah would have to live forever with the what ifs that were already haunting her mind.

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Delilah woke up in bed, an arm wrapped around her waist and a numb pressure against most of her chest. She blinked a few times, then looked down to see JJ was still asleep against her.

Memories from last night came flooding back. JJ getting jealous over that girl Delilah was dancing with, their conversation in the booth, the cab ride home, the story behind the scar. Their first I love you that Delilah didn't say back.

Delilah gently moved JJ off her body and slipped out of bed, walking to the bathroom and closing the door quietly behind her. She did her business and then brushed her teeth, throwing her hair up in a fresh ponytail with a sigh.

She could already feel a sinking feeling in her stomach she knew all too well: regret.

Well, she had said she'd regret going out. She just thought Liv would be why, not JJ.

Delilah left the bathroom and grabbed her phone and headphones, closing the bedroom door shut behind her and slipping out into the hallway. A quick check in Liv's room showed she was sprawled asleep on her bed, still in her dress, and Delilah closed the door before heading to the kitchen.

She plugged her headphones in and put on some music, relishing in the pounding headache kicking in at the heavy sounds of electric guitar on her hangover. If she was focused on her hangover, she could ignore the regret.

Delilah sighed to herself, flicking the coffee pot on moving to get things to start making breakfast.

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"Morning," JJ groaned half an hour later, walking into the kitchen in the same t-shirt she'd slept in, though she'd clearly brushed her hair and rebraided it.

"Hey," Delilah said, looking up from the pancakes she was eating. "There's more in the microwave if you're hungry. Still warm," she said. "And coffee in the pot."

"You're my favourite person in the whole world," JJ said, moving to make herself some coffee and grab a plate.

"How's the hangover?" Delilah said, tugging her headphones out and pausing her music.

"It's definitely there and painful. How's yours?" JJ said, sitting at the island beside Delilah with her coffee and food.

"Same," Delilah said.

JJ took a sip of her coffee, then leaned her head against Delilah's shoulder.

"I literally can't remember anything after Morgan started dancing with those girls and Elle was flirting with their friends," JJ said.

Delilah breathed a sigh of relief. That had been an hour before Delilah had been asked to dance by Jacey. They were in the clear of too messy. Now it was just on Delilah to repress any memories of what happened with JJ last night and put a stop to this not-crush crush she was experiencing.

"I don't remember anything after Liv went to dance with that girl," Delilah lied.

"She danced with a girl?" JJ said.

Delilah nodded.

"Fucked her, too. She got home after we did, judging by her texts telling me she was on her way home. She's still knocked out in her room," Delilah said.

"Go Liv getting some," JJ said. "But, see, last night wasn't so bad, was it? Liv didn't embarrass you and everybody behaved and followed the rules," JJ said.

"No, it wasn't so bad," Delilah said, taking a bite of her pancakes.

JJ took a bite of hers, nodding happily.

"You're such a good cook. Someone is going to wife you up one day and be so lucky," JJ said.

"I am never getting married," Delilah chuckled.

"What, seriously?" JJ looked at Delilah with wide eyes. "Even if you fall in love?"

"Love isn't defined by a contract. And marriage is a contract. I would consider it, if I loved the person enough, but it isn't a defining factor for me," Delilah said. "Besides, my dad's been married three times and I do not want to give the wedding industry any more money," she said.

JJ smiled.

"That's fair. I think I could get married, to the right person. I think I'd marry you for these pancakes, to be honest," JJ said.

Delilah almost choked on her pancakes.

"Thanks," Delilah said, taking a sip of her coffee. "Any plans for today?" she changed the subject.

"Probably just sleeping. What time do you want me to leave?" JJ said.

"Whenever you want to go. We've got no plans, either, so, you can chill here," Delilah said.

"Can we watch movies?" JJ said.

"Sure," Delilah said.

She could feel JJ's eyes burning into the side of her face and she turned, watching JJ's eyes move to meet hers.

"What?" Delilah asked.

"You have a scar on your face I've never noticed, before. It's a J," JJ said.

"Yeah, uh, it's a few years old," Delilah said.

Was this deja vu if they'd had this exact discussion while drunk last night? Or was JJ remembering more than she let on and just choosing what to share with Delilah?

"You wanna talk about it?" JJ said.

"Not really," Delilah said honestly. JJ nodded.

"Okay. What movie should we watch? I can't watch Disney films when I'm hungover. I cry," JJ said.

"We can watch a horror movie?" Delilah said.

"I'll throw up at anything bloody and gory," JJ winced.

"Yeah, bad idea. Uh, iconic teen movies?" Delilah said.

"My weakness. I'm in," JJ smiled at her.

They finished breakfast and moved to the living room, JJ sprawling on the sofa while Delilah sat on the edge and flicked through the channels until she found Legally Blonde. JJ lifted her head and Delilah shuffled back, letting JJ rest her head on her thighs. JJ turned onto her side to see the telly, but Delilah saw her eyes move to Delilah's thighs.

"You got shot," JJ said, fingers ghosting over a scar on Delilah's upper right thigh on the outside.

Delilah's throat went dry, but she nodded.

"I did," she said.

"I'm glad you're okay," JJ said.

She stared at the scar for a few more seconds before she kissed it, looking up at Delilah with a smile that made Delilah's stomach sink.

"A kiss to make it better," JJ said.

Delilah just squeezed JJ's hand, starting to run her fingers through JJ's hair as JJ looked at the tv again.

Fuck. She was falling in love with JJ.

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