꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

I'll never forget the suffocating sensation of being ensnared in a relentless cycle of perfectionism, fear, and uncertainty. It felt like being trapped in a never-ending loop of self-doubt and harsh criticism, with each decision, action, and breath magnified under a microscope, examined and judged. I was perpetually chasing the elusive ideal of perfection, yet no matter how hard I tried, I never felt good enough in the end. 

This relentless pursuit of flawlessness had been woven into my existence long before I ever set foot in the online world. I felt an invisible pressure to be perfect, never allowed the luxury of showing faults or imperfections. It was as if I were stripped of my humanity, forbidden to stumble or make mistakes, both pivotal for growth. Instead, I was expected to be the epitome of excellence: well-behaved, compliant, absorbing instructions without question. The checklist of my conduct seemed endless.

This toxic mindset seeped into my online experiences as well, dragging me under the suffocating weight of Wattpad's irresistible allure of "popularity." I became ensnared in the notion that for my work to be seen, it had to embody perfection—devoid of flaws, devoid of lighthearted jokes, stripped of any hint of spontaneity. All that mattered was an air of professionalism to gain recognition in the competitive atmosphere of writing. 

While I recognize that maturity and seriousness can play their roles in a writer's journey, I found myself questioning: why did I still feel this overwhelming need to be perfect when I wasn't a "serious writer"? 

Perhaps it stemmed from a lingering ache within me—a need to be palatable and pleasing to everyone who stumbled across my account. Yet, despite my efforts, I consistently found myself failing to meet these impossible standards. 

Why did I keep failing? 

Was it because I didn't have internet access until I was seventeen? Leaving me unprepared for the demands and expectations of the online realm? Though this isn't an excuse for my perfectionist tendencies—those concepts were already etched into my consciousness—the heat of obsession escalated once I entered this new digital landscape. 

With no prior understanding of the internet's depths, its potential pitfalls, or the varied behaviors of online individuals, I was blind to the storm of backlash awaiting me. Learning this lesson became a painful process, as I stumbled through a series of misadventures. It dawned on me that the online world, particularly platforms like Wattpad, could wield brutal judgments, where individuals competed mercilessly for the spotlight, each striving for an unattainable standard of perfection. 

Caught in this web, I became preoccupied with the achievements of others, convinced that to be perfect, I had to sacrifice anything and everything, however detrimental. In this frenzied pursuit, I formed friendships with a group of girls who, in a cruel twist of fate, betrayed me over accusations I had never committed. Even after enduring their torment, the insatiable desire to be flawless clung to me like a heavy shroud. 

Ultimately, this desperation propelled me further down the path of fabrication, sculpting a false identity to fit into an ideal that felt ever out of reach. I began to hide my true self behind a mask of perfection, losing sight of the very essence of who I was in the process.

But the girl's I had become friends with were people I wish I never met. I was accused of plagiarizing an idea, which isn't even actually plagiarizing, and was bullied to the point I had to close my account. Before I closed my account and before the bullying had started, a girl who told me the idea to use for a roleplaying game had even told the other girl, who thought I stole her idea as the roleplaying game was on my account, that she was inspired by the idea and took the idea and told me about it.

Even with being told the truth, the girl proceeded to bully me even though the other girl stepped up and told her, no it wasn't me, but it was her that took the idea.

Following that, I was still being bullied, and the majority of my friends pretended nothing was wrong and distanced themselves from me. Some even said they didn't want to get "wrapped up in drama" and wouldn't even stand up for me. If they weren't willing to defend me during the days that this girl and her other two best friends were bullying me, I was too naive to see that they were never my friends in the first place. Because true friends would have stood up for one another if someone was being picked on or bullied. I only had two friends that defended me for a little while before they too, ditched me and I was left alone to endure all the torment.

That was the first time I got a dose of toxic people.

I recall crying for hours during that period. Without any concrete evidence, individuals who had never heard my tale concluded I was a terrible person and assaulted me, calling me derogatory names.

My attempts to reason with the girl ended in failure. She persisted in bullying me and spreading false information about me because she couldn't accept that she was wrong. She insisted that I stole her idea and she was going to bully me for an idea that can't be plagiarized.

I recall her saying that I was racist, when I never said anything racist to her, she said I downplayed her life because I didn't want to be in her shoes and said I was happy where I was, mind you this girl was abused, raped/molested as a child, and had many mental health problems that her parents ignored because they didn't think she actually had them.

Knowing about her past, why would I want her life? Why would she be mad at the fact I didn't want to "replace" myself with her life when she's told me all these horrible things that happened to her?

Additionally, I wasn't harsh when I informed her that I was OK with where I was at the time, and I didn't write it in a way that would have come off as boastful. Knowing her history, I tried to write it as respectfully as possible while declining her offer since I didn't desire her life and I was content with my current situation.

A book was even written about me. The entire article ridiculed me and provided no screenshots to support their claims that I was at fault. I was ridiculed for most of the book even though it had nothing supporting their claims about me. It was just a book to bully me even further and have people attacking me for no reason. They mostly called me names, made fun of my appearance, said things like "I'm probably too ugly to have a boyfriend," "I wasn't smart enough," "I probably had autism," and a host of other terrible things.

The worst thing about it, was people believed it-

My account was flooded with horrible messages when that book was published and people were able to see it, find my account, and tell me off or even go as far as sending me death threats.

After a few weeks I ended up closing my account after I could figure out how to do it.

Then when I came back, under a different account name, I strived to be as perfect as I possibly could so I wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings or be bullied again.

I remember spending hours on trying to stick to just myself. I only followed people that I trusted, at first, and those that talked, associated with, or anything to those three girls that bullied me I wouldn't follow them, talk to them, nothing.

I stuck to just writing, reading, and only talking to a very small group of people before I felt it was okay enough to branch out step by step.

But how does this story tie into everything?

It forced me to be perfect. In every way possible. I even had to change my identity. I had to change my nickname I used online, I even had to change my speech, stories that I wrote before I could never re-publish them in fear of them being recognized so I had to re-think whole new stories and so many other things.

I ended up being a people pleaser. I did everything people asked of me back then in hopes people would like me. Like me more.

I was obsessing over every detail, convinced that it has to be flawless. That nothing I did, or what was on my account could ever have any flaws in it. I never wanted to be treated like that again.

I would re-do, re-write, and re-think everything, until I was drained and exhausted. And even then, I would still find fault within myself. This relentless pursuit of perfection was suffocating me, robbing me from my joy, and creativity. Leaving me as a shell of my former self.

But the hardest part was the fear of uncertainty. I was terrified of making mistakes, and terrified I would be found out by those girls or someone would recognize me and tell them. I was terrified of taking risks, of stepping out into the unknown again. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, always looking over my shoulder, waiting for the ball to drop. I longed for control and certainty that everything was going to be okay, that the girls weren't going to be coming back. But that certainly seemed like the more I tried to grasp it, the more it slipped through my fingers. I was lost, and I didn't know how to find my way out of this never-ending cycle of perfectionism.

I felt like I was living in a constant state of hypervigilance, always on the lookout for potential pitfalls and dangers that lurked on the app. My mind was a never-ending whirlwind of "what ifs" and "maybes". Thinking of every possible negative outcome that could ever happen to me if I was ever found out. I was exhausted from trying to anticipate every possible outcome. Making sure that I was still okay and that I was still playing a pretend act on my account enough so that the girl's would overlook it and pass it off as if it was some other human being on that account and it wasn't me.

I slowly began to feel like I was losing myself in the process. I was so focused on trying to control everything, and being perfect at hiding my identity, that I forgot how to let go and enjoy the ride. I was stuck in a rut, and I didn't know how to get out.

Then one day, I hit rock bottom. It took me a while to realize that I couldn't keep living like this. I was miserable, anxious, depressed, and burnt out. I knew I needed to make a change, but how? If I did or tried to go back to my normal, actual self, I was going to get found out eventually and I could've been bullied all over again.

I started small though. In trying to make some changes. I took tiny steps towards letting go of my need for control over my own self and faking an identity in order to hide. It wasn't healthy of me.

I practiced mindfulness, though it wouldn't last long, as this was seventeen year old me at the time, I ended up having a hot head when it came to people on the internet, in the future. Of course I didn't know that then, but to let you know readers, this practicing mindfulness only lasted a month or two before everything blew up again and I had to leave the app again.

Unfortunately, my mouth got me in trouble and my account was terminated for stating an opinion, which was correct, but how I presented myself was a bit too heated and was unnecessary. Therefore it was enough for my account to be terminated.

But in the time that I tried to practice mindfulness, it wasn't easy. My mind tried to fight back, trying to pull me into the old patterns of perfectionism and fear. But I persisted, as far as two months before another downfall, but that time I was trying to be persisting.

Slowly, but surely, I started to feel a sense of short freedom. I realized that I didn't have to be perfect. Which is why I became such a hot head and ended up getting into trouble the next time. I thought I could take on anything, not realizing my actions still have consequences, if I act out of pocket.

But before that time, I started to embrace uncertainty. I began to see it as an opportunity for growth and exploration.

I learned to try and trust myself the best I could. I learned to listen to my own intuition and trust my instincts.

I started to take risks, risks that unfortunately got me in trouble when I realized I could be a hot head. Which isn't something good to find out, but everyone has their own experiences while first dealing with the online world.

In taking these risks, I started to try and pursue my passions and interests more.

And you know what? It was exhilarating!

I felt alive, like I was finally living.

I still have moments, where I look back and still feel like I could have been smarter about this. But I was seventeen, not exposed to the internet before, even though I knew about a lot of how to act online and taking certain precautions if you need to block someone, it all went out the window when I was being attacked and bullied.

There's still moments where I still feel uncertainty and fear, but now I know how to properly deal with them. Unlike my seventeen year old self.

I know that I am capable of growth and change, now. I am stronger, more alert, in control of my thoughts, feelings, and my own actions more in a mature manner. I couldn't be more proud of myself.

And that is the most empowering feeling in the world.