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"Jinyoungie, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Jaebeom asks frantically, but Jinyoung can't calm down enough to reply, the hurt he's feeling is overpowering anything else inside him.

He doesn't understand why Haeyoung hates him so much, why she's always been so mean to him. It's not the first time she says how she wishes Jinyoung would succeed at killing himself. He's tried to not get in her way, to be quiet and blend with the background, but it seems even that she hates.

Maybe Jinyoung should really kill himself, it wouldn't be only for him. He would finally stop wasting time and space in a world he doesn't want to be in, and his family would get rid of someone who only brings shame and confusion to them. If they can't understand him and accept him, how can Jinyoung even dream of doing that himself? Let alone someone else.

"Jinyoungie, please, answer me. I'll go wherever you are," Jaebeom pleads, Jinyoung hears the desperation and fear in his voice, loud and clear. "Don't do anything and wait for me."

"I'm home," Jinyoung explains, wiping the tears and working hard to control his breathing. It feels like an unbearable weight is pushing him down, making it hard for his heart to beat and his lungs to breathe. The claws of the monster haven't fully let go of him yet.

"Okay... where is home?" The older man asks and Jinyoung almost chuckles, for a brief moment picturing Jaebeom grabbing his jacket, getting ready to go out just to stop and realize he has no idea where to go.

"Mangwon market," Jinyoung replies, finding solace in Jaebeom's voice and his willingness to come to him.

He knows he needs to put some distance and be more careful with Im Jaebeom, there's something unusual about him, something unsettling among all the other feelings and no matter what, he shouldn't lose sight of that. But when the monster of The Thought comes for him, with its seducing whispers, persuading him to end with his life after all, when he's being pushed shouldn't he hold on the glimmer of light?

Or you could just give up and not worry about that either, the monster whispers, still hanging around Jinyoung, bringing more darkness until he cannot even see the lights of the living room where he is still sitting at.

His hand clenches the phone, breathing harder and his eyes shut tight, shaking.

"I'm on my way, Jinyoungie; just grabbing a taxi, okay? Don't do anything rash, just wait a bit more and I'll be there, please." Jaebeom's voice is pleading, desperate even, as if he were begging Jinyoung to hang in there a bit more.

And for some reason, that breaks Jinyoung even more. Between sobs, he replies: "Okay."

"Don't hang up, okay? Send me your location but stay on the line," the older man requests, sounding out of breath. In the background Jinyoung can hear the street noises and what it seems a door closing, making him think Jaebeom is getting in the cab as they speak.

Jinyoung does as told, only getting the phone back against his ear to inform Jaebeom he just sent the precise address of his building.

Jaebeom doesn't ask him anything about what happened, or why he's crying, instead he goes reporting where he is, what kind of landmark he just passed by, when he crosses the Han and telling him he should be there shortly. Jinyoung only listens, focusing on Jaebeom's voice only and closing his ears to everything else. If his mother comes out to get him, Jinyoung has no idea.

It feels forever when Jaebeom finally says: "I'm outside." Only then Jinyoung opens his eyes. He doesn't want to move, but there's still some rational part in him that doesn't want him to tell the older man his apartment number. Only because of that he forces his body to move, standing up and walking out of the flat. He does not take a jacket or anything, he barely slides in some flats and leaves without saying a word. He knows Jaebeom hasn't hung up because he can hear him breathing, so he keeps the phone against his ear as he takes the lift to go down, and then walking outside the building. He still has the phone against his ear when he spots Jaebeom standing outside, mirroring his posture.

Moving faster than Jinyoung can process, Jaebeom hangs up, shoves the gadget in his pocket and steps forward, long strides until he's in front of the younger man, engulfing him in a tight embrace that somehow seems to pull all of his pieces together.

Jinyoung starts crying even more, quietly, but the tears falling constantly and quickly, his body shaking as Jaebeom keeps him in one piece.

"It's okay, cry all you need," Jaebeom whispers. "I've got you this time."

Those words hit hard because no one has been there for when he's had a breakdown, not once, not ever. He wraps his arms around Jaebeom's waist, so tight he's burying himself in the other man's body, but Jaebeom doesn't mind, he only hugs Jinyoung tighter as well and that feels so comforting, that weight and pressure that is almost crushing.

The whole night could've passed by, or maybe just a few minutes when Jaebeom pulls back, carefully and locking eyes, his expression twisting at his tear stained face, bloodshot eyes, red cheeks and runny nose. Tenderly, he lifts his left hand to cup Jinyoung's face, so reverently as if he were scared to touch him.

It surprises Jinyoung when the older man pulls back, grabbing his hands and then turning them so his palms are exposed, but Jaebeom doesn't check his hands, he checks his wrists and sighs so relieved when all he can find there are countless scars, thin and extremely pale lines that cross in every direction. Those are the old ones he got when he was barely eleven. As he got older, he knew were to cut and how to hide them so no one would see them. The cuts that almost made him succeed run down along his triceps. But Jaebeom doesn't know that, so he only checks his wrists and looks so relieved to find them clean.

"I wasn't late this time," he sighs, and it shocks Jinyoung to the point he feels ice in his heart when Jaebeom lifts his hands until he kisses his wrists. "I was scared."

Jinyoung has so many questions in that moment, but he cannot ask them when Jaebeom hugs him again, one hand buried in his hair, stroking soothingly. He ignores all the questions in his mind and how odd Jaebeom is acting, he just lets the embrace warm him up.

"You don't have to tell me what happened, but if you want to talk I'm all ears," Jaebeom offers, letting lose a bit so he doesn't crash Jinyoung and he can breathe.

Jinyoung could talk but he doesn't even know where to begin. His sister's hatred? His family rejection and unacceptance of his sexuality? His depressive thoughts? How he can hear the voice of the monster telling him to kill himself?

Thinking of the issue of his family, he pulls back and looks everywhere. He doesn't want to bring shame or disgust to his sister if she is still around or if his father arrives. Jaebeom is a bit startled by how fast he pulled away.

"Let's go somewhere else," Jinyoung suggests instead of giving Jaebeom time to ask what happened. And to keep it like that, he leads the way to the only place he can think of: The Han River.

He leads the way, knowing well Jaebeom is following him closely. Jinyoung has never felt ashamed of who he is or his sexuality, but his family's words are fresh in his memory and no matter how advanced society is, Korean culture is very conservative and give too much importance to the appearance and what people look to others. He isn't delusional to think everyone will be okay if he doesn't follow social norms, and although he does not care what others might think of him, he cares about the struggles he brings upon his family.

"Jinyoungie!" the older man calls, grabbing him from the elbow right before he crashes against a bench now that they are at one of the parks by the riverside.

Jaebeom makes him turn around to face his worried expression.

"I know your mind is somewhere else but you could lean on me... at least for walking so you don't get in an accident," Jaebeom adds, squeezing his elbow one more time before releasing it. "You pulled away like I was contagious. Are you still angry with me?"

"I'm not angry with you," Jinyoung explains. "I'm just a bit confused because you... you act like you've known me for longer, and you feel so familiar. You come running if I'm having a breakdown and normal people don't do that."

"Yes they do, for the people they care about. I do the same for my friends and family. I'm always there for them," Jaebeom disagrees.

Jinyoung looks down for a few seconds because no one has run for him before, only Jaebeom now.

"For friends... people you've known for longer and that are important to you. Not for me," because I'm not worth it, Jinyoung thinks but doesn't say it with the rest of the sentence.

"Is it because we've known each other for a few days? Does it really bug you that much?" Jaebeom asks. "Does it really matter for how long I've cared about you? Isn't it more important how authentic my feelings for you are? Are they only valid if they've existed for a long time?"

The young man does not know how to reply to that although he knows Jaebeom is being serious about it. He's right, Jinyoung is fixating on how little they've known each other for instead of what they feel, and Jaebeom, like no one else before, makes him feel important and cared for.

In Jinyoung's defence, he's never felt like that and he does not know how to react.

"And who knows? Maybe we met before, in a past life or in a dream you just can't remember." Jaebeom's smile is tentative, insecure and fragile.

"You're not a stalker, right?" Jinyoung asks, trying to smile.

"Nope," Jaebeom's smile widens, getting more confident. "You seriously think I could've managed to stay away from you if I had seen you before? Really?"

Jinyoung can't help it, he laughs at that, realizing how true it is. Since they met Jaebeom has tried to spend the most time with him and he's been too evident. That doesn't seem like a good quality for a stalker.

"If how we feel was logical and we could understand, do you think we would struggle like we do?" Jaebeom asks and Jinyoung is speechless.

Here he is, being obsessive about how Jaebeom's feelings don't make sense, when nothing of what he himself feels makes sense, when he feels so lost because he cannot understand why he feels the way he does. How can he even try to understand Jaebeom when he's a mess himself?

"You're right," he accepts, sighing deeply. "I'm sorry, it's just..."

"It's okay," Jaebeom interrupts. "Can I hug you now? Or will you jump away again?"

"Sorry about that, too." He takes a step closer and Jaebeom welcomes him in his arms immediately. "My family... they don't want to see me being... me."

Jinyoung knows he isn't making much sense, but Jaebeom doesn't ask him to explain further or anything, he just hugs him burying his head in Jinyoung's neck.

"I'm sorry they are like that," he whispers, his lips touching Jinyoung's skin as he speaks and that is sending shivers down his spine.

"My sister... she hates me and I don't know why. When she got home she made another scene," Jinyoung starts to tell. "It's like she truly hates me and wants me gone. She's always said I'm not really ill or anything, I'm just acting to get people's attention. And it seems after the accident she's even angrier at me. I didn't mean that one! It was honestly an accident. I feel horrible about it and what it caused to others!" Jaebeom tenses at that, but Jinyoung is ranting now, letting it all out. "I've wanted to apologize to the other people in the accident but I'm a bloody coward and I can't even do that. She says I should've died for real in the accident and maybe she's right, I should've."

"No, don't say that," Jaebeom speaks, pulling back to look him in the eyes. "I'm glad you survived, that you're alive in this moment and I can hold you like this. Please don't say that."

Jinyoung is shaken to see the raw honesty in Jaebeom's eyes, how serious his tone is and how firmly he's holding him. Touched and moved by that, Jinyoung nods his head. "Okay... I won't say it again."

"Good," Jaebeom mumbles. "Because losing you again is the last thing I want to do."

Again? Jinyoung notices, but he doesn't get to think about it because, Jaebeom leans forward, one hand moving to grab Jinyoung by the back of his neck right before he kisses him.