I hope you guys enjoy this chapter :3

______________________

Playing with cats and keeping the conversation about that, the rest of the date goes by fairly quickly. For the sake of his own emotions Jinyoung decides to focus on the cats only, ignoring the way Jaebeom makes him feel with just little things. He's hyper aware and that is exhausting, especially for him who rarely experiences anything other than apathy and disillusionment. It is taxing to be feeling so many things, fluttering emotions that unsettle him.

Jinyoung needs a break; he's not used to this.

Jaebeom probably notices he's shut down for now and keeps the conversation simple, mostly about cats and random facts he knows about felines and taking so many pictures. It's actually Jaebeom who needs to end the date not much later, and even if Jinyoung doesn't ask, the older tells why him.

"Eomma has physiotherapy and I'm taking her today."

Jinyoung nods, wondering how bad was Jaebeom's mother accident to have been left with sequels that still need physiotherapy. Surely worse than his own accident, or maybe she just had worse luck. Regardless, the younger feels sorry for her and hopes she can overcome all the future obstacles.

"Sure, good luck with that." Jinyoung smiles, feeling a bit awkward and not sure how to say goodbye as they stand outside the cat café.

"I can still take you home," Jaebeom offers but Jinyoung is shaking his head without having to even consider it.

"Thanks but I prefer going home alone, not that I think you're a psycho or anything, but who knows?" Jaebeom laughs out loud at that. "I rather keep my home secret in case you're a psycho and you're planning to murder me after fattening me with all these coffee dates."

"That's the last thing I'd do," Jaebeom answers. "It's much easier to hide a skinny body."

Jinyoung honestly did not expect that comment at the end, it takes him by surprise so much that he snorts in a very embarrassing way, laughing out loud and clearly making Jaebeom proud of his nonsensical remarks.

"Can't argue with that," Jinyoung smiles. "But honestly, I just prefer being alone now. I don't think I'll go home just yet."

No need to mention how he feels even more suffocated when he's at home, how the darkness inside him creeps within him to make him wish even more everything was over once and for all. He doesn't like seeing the guilt in his sister's face, or the tired expression on his parents' faces. He hates knowing it's not because they understand him but exactly because they can't and they don't know what to do about him.

"Oh," Jaebeom hums. "Then I guess I'll see you soon? The weather is getting nicer so we could go somewhere fun."

"Are you thinking of a cliché amusement park date?" Jinyoung laughs.

"First, let me point out how I enjoy you don't refuse they are dates," Jaebeom states, looking clearly pleased and making Jinyoung blush, embarrassed. "Second, I might consider that option. You in cute animal headband like in dramas? I'd love to see that."

"I refuse now, before it even comes as a proposition. No." Jinyoung states coldly, not wanting to be a cliché from drama, ever.

"Ah, it would be fun. And think of all those super high places where we could be? I can't believe someone who sits on bridges rails doesn't want to ride rollercoasters," Jaebeom is clearly challenging him, and Jinyoung is this close to fall for it.

"As appealing as that is, I prefer calm encounters with heights to appreciate the view and think, not mindless screaming and crowds. Thank you very much."

"I can understand that, I still think you'd look impossibly charming with those animal ears headbands. Maybe it's better for my heart if we don't go," Jaebeom smiles.

Jinyoung smiles, not wanting to add anything else to the conversation. And as they remain in silence, it starts getting awkward and the younger can't keep the eye contact. He distracts himself observing other things on the streets: the billboards with publicity everywhere, the blue buses passing by, the pedestrians, anything but the man in front of him.

"I'll... get going then. I'll text you later?" It sounds more like a question, so Jinyoung nods, approving of Jaebeom's intention somehow.

The awkwardness only intensifies and Jinyoung doesn't know what to do, so he bows his head in goodbye and walks way, before he does or says anything stupid. He walks, walks, walks for some good fifteen minutes without thinking, just telling himself to keep going. It's when he bumps into someone that he realizes he's been moving almost unconsciously.

He stops, looking around frantically to figure out where he is. He hasn't gone too far and he still knows the area, but it is still alarming he walked so much without paying attention. It is truly scary how much Jaebeom shakes him, the amount of emotions and he just can't get used to it. The younger has to take a few minutes to breathe in and out to calm himself down. He apparently walked faster than his lung capacity allowed and now he's exhausted. His physical condition after the accident is deplorable, and it wasn't good to begin with, but now just walking a bit faster leaves him out of breath.

He finds where to sit, some steps in an alleyway. His mind is turbulent, there are several voices trying to put thoughts in his head, working to make sense to everything he feels. He can point out many emotions, even if he has no idea why he feels them: longing, excitement, nervousness, embarrassment, regret, guilt and joy. Jinyoung cannot fathom why on Earth Im Jaebeom would awake all these emotions in him.

Unsettling.

Jaebeom is too unsettling for Jinyoung, and he does not like how he feels once they part way. And as he thinks about it, he hates it. He hates how comfortable and warm he feels with the older man, how familiar he feels and how honest he becomes, sharing things he wouldn't tell other people. He hates so deeply so he feels excited and happy, forgetting the darkness lurking in his head and just living the moment.

How can a complete stranger make Jinyoung feel like that?

And worse! When they part ways Jinyoung feels confused and disoriented, not having that warmth around anymore and feeling the cold of his own thoughts. He honestly just hates how happy Jaebeom makes him feel, because there's no explanation, because it's crazy, because it's stupid.

The worst part of being well, of feeling happy,--even if it is momentarily-- is going back to your darkness. It's more overwhelming, scarier and colder. As Jinyoung sits on the steps he feels the desolation of his soul come and wrap around him so tightly, reminding him where he belongs, who he is and what he is made of.

His chest hurts, aching for the man who pushed that away, who let him breathe and enjoy a moment of life for a morning, and at the same time he resents Jaebeom for making him feel like that.

Who is Jaebeom to make Jinyoung feel like he needs him?

The young man closes his eyes and buries his head between his knees, breathing in and out, coping with the negativity, the darkness and the vast emptiness that is coming for him again. It's not like what it is happening is new to him, this is how he has lived all his life, it is just hard to have it back after a moment in the light. It's just the return what is hard, not living with it.

He continues breathing, time passes by and the darkness settles around and within him. His body is heavy again, his mind is settled and his mood is bitter. He is once again the Jinyoung he knows and when he looks up everything looks dull, people are just a blur and the sounds are muffled. It's as if he was underwater but he can still breathe.

The young man stands up and starts walking, not thinking of anything but knowing exactly where he is going, where he needs to be. His feet guide him without having to look for anything, and he is practically deaf to the cacophony around him, so much that he does not hear the delivery man honking on his scooter for Jinyoung to move aside. Someone actually pulls him to the side so the bike doesn't run him over on the sidewalk.

"Oh my God, are you okay? Are you hurt? I can't believe that man! When will delivery men stop driving on the sideways?! That's so dangerous," A young man with wide and expressive eyes keeps talking, fast and energetic, going faster than Jinyoung can process. His mind doesn't process what almost happened, and the man who still has his arm is babbling and that's more distracting.

The man who saved him is with another man, fair and handsome, who helps Jinyoung regain his balance and breaks the hold the talkative one has on him.

"Are you okay? Really? Sorry for grabbing you like that but I thought that man would kill you and you didn't move even when he was honking. Are you okay?" the young man asks again, looking utterly concerned.

Jinyoung feels dizzy, losing count of the amount of times the young man has asked him if he's okay.

"Jackson, he can't answer if you don't let him talk," the other gorgeous man speaks, so much calmer, putting his hand on the shoulder of the slightly shorter man, calming him. It's curious how the one who saved him changes his body language, relaxing, leaning a bit closer to the other man and breathing deeply.

"I'm okay," Jinyoung answers, blinking to shake the stupor. "Thank you," he bows his head, not wanting to stay there a second longer, not having the energy to deal with people.

Without waiting for what they say, Jinyoung starts walking away. He does not stop, after all, he's not really there. After of what it seems hours walking, he makes it to the Han River. The sun shines bright on the sky, the afternoon is warm; it feels like spring has finally arrived even if the wind is still chilling, especially on the bridge so high above the vast waters of the river.

Jinyoung grabs the rails, leaning back and looking up, closing his eyes so the sunlight hits him in the face: and he breathes in. The air is so polluted, contamination levels are high but he still breathes it all in, filling his lungs with fresh air and micro-particles, letting the sun warm him up a bit.

He opens his eyes, looks forward and leans in the same direction, his chest against the rail. He's in that bridge that has all those supportive sentences, in hopes to stop the many people who attempt suicide right there. He looks to the right and he can see that phone post with an emergency line.

You are not alone, reads the sentence he's leaning on.

But no, Jinyoung isn't there to jump; he rarely is there for that reason although he might feel tempted at times. The young man is there just for the view, for the air, for the calm. It's so loud around, with buses, trucks and cars passing by so fast, even a subway line rattling not too far. That same hullabaloo mutes his thoughts, louder than whatever he thinks and he likes it.

By the riverside he sees people walking by, jogging, biking or just resting. People sit on the difference benches or the grass, on blankets and talk and eat, laughing and enjoying the good weather. Jinyoung watches them from above, completely detached, like someone watching dead insects in a museum, having no feelings and just observing how different they are from one another.

Someone biking along the riverside catches Jinyoung's eye and he watches that person go by, and only because of that he notices how a kid playing with other kinds runs after the ball that escaped them, without looking and getting in the way of the cyclist. Jinyoung cannot hear if there are screams or anything, the events happening too far from him, all what Jinyoung sees is the cyclist doing his best to avoid the kid who freezes in the middle of the bike road. The cyclist turns right too fast, with too much force, losing control and crashing against a bench at the other side, impacting with the front wheel and falling forward, over the bench and then to the ground. Jinyoung doesn't get to flinch in pain for the poor cyclist, his mind flashes images of a different accident, one in the middle of the night, in a lone crossroad. A big truck coming his way, lights blinding him and then the impact.

Strong.

Fast.

Thunderous.

Jinyoung flies in the air, his whole body feels broken and he doesn't register any pain just yet, too much to even process.

His broken body isn't the worst, not at all. The worst part is seeing how the truck hits another car, one that was just waiting there. Jinyoung can see clearly the accident, the way the car turns over, trapping a person inside.

All because of him.

A horrendous accident and he's seeing it all over again.

Jinyoung gasps, he cannot breathe because guilt comes to choke him, with tight hands around his throat and his knees give out, he cannot see anything but the car upside down, the smoke coming out of it.

"Help" he breathes out, shaking as his body collapses on the ground on that bridge, gasping for air and trying to escape theme memories, the accident. It had never come to him like that, the flashbacks so strong and real and Jinyoung doesn't know what to do to stop seeing them.

He only cries.

"Please, help."