So a lot has going on. Emotionally I've been super unstable, hence no desire to even open my laptop. Moreover, I've been so busy with work and my second job. Thirdly, we moved together with my sister recently and I don't even have wifi, but I have a space where I feel comfortable and a room I'm decorating to my taste, so I'm hoping that'll help me to feel better and actually write.

I appreciate every single one of you, pushing me to write. It does help and reminds me there's more than my own misery. So thank you.

∞

         Jinyoung doesn't sleep, at least not much and he doesn't rest. It's not just that he doesn't like sleeping much, it's more that he feels scared of that nothingness again, even if he's not very willing to accept that. As much as he is fascinated with death, Jinyoung isn't very fond of that in-between life and death state.

However, that particular night isn't just the aftereffects of being in a coma for about half a year what make him so restless. His thoughts aren't clear but there's a face that pops up in his mind from time to time. Dark, narrow eyes that look at him as if they knew him, a wide smile that makes those eyes practically disappear. It's not just that he can't seem to stop thinking of the boy he met, it's that feeling inside his chest, the tightness in his ribcage that makes him notice every single beat of his heart. It almost feels like longing and Jinyoung can't understand himself.

It's a terrible night and having to get up early for his therapist appointment doesn't help in the slightest. He is tired, and grumpy as he's angry with himself for acting like a starstruck teenager. He knows his therapist will ask why he looks so tired and Jinyoung will have to confess he is not taking his medicine to sleep and it'll be the same argument as always: you need to want to get better to actually get better.

What does it mean "getting better" anyways? Will he stop feeling the way he does? Then how will he feel? This is all he knows, the current Jinyoung is all he is and he has no clue what "being better" would make out of him. He wouldn't recognize that Jinyoung neither would he know how to be that Jinyoung.

It's hard to give up on what you've always know, especially when you didn't even ask for help. Jinyoung was put in therapy, he's practically forced to go and if he skips, his therapist calls his parents so he doesn't have a way out. And even if he tries to explain he doesn't want to get better, they'll only assume it's to get attention and be the drama queen everyone thinks he is.

What's the point of trying to explain himself if no one is willing to really listen to him?

Jinyoung is in a worse mood than usual and he wishes he could stay in bed, doing nothing but breathing. He does not have the will to go outside and deal with people, or himself. But he hears the alarm and soon his mother knocking at his door, telling him to get up because breakfast is ready and if he doesn't eat soon, he'll be late for therapy. Jinyoung isn't even hungry.

Yet, the young man gets out of bed, grabs his phone to turn off the alarm and when he does, he notices there's a text message from someone he has not saved on his contact book.

Curious, feeling his heart leaping in his chest, Jinyoung launches the Kakao chat app, clutching his mobile phone as it loads with all the chatrooms and there it is, a new one with a number he does not know. Feeling nervous for no valid reason, he enters the chatroom to see who the addresser is.

Hello Jinyoungie, it's Im Jaebeom. I hope you made it home safe and sound. Thank you for letting me buy you coffee. I wish I could've seen you home to be at ease. Get tons of rest and good luck tomorrow.

Jinyoung presses his lips together, mostly because he doesn't want to smile. It would be stupid to smile, it's just a text. A very polite and long text, even a bit awkward. Yet it wants to make him smile, he can feel the pull at the corner of his mouth and he fights it.

I made it home safely.

I hope you also did.

Jinyoung purposely replies, dry and in two bubbles so it doesn't look like he cares, and he won't explain why he did not see the message at night or why he is replying the next morning. He does save Jaebeom's number under his full name to not give him anything special.

He goes to have breakfast before getting ready, and purposely leaves his phone behind to not test how he'll react when Jaebeom replies, but even as he eats, his mind keeps wondering if the older man replied already. It's quite early, he reminds himself, Jaebeom is probably sleeping.

By the time he is done eating and showering and brushing his teeth after breakfast, he is so anxious he immediately grabs the phone, before even getting dressed. His heart does that little jump in his chest again when he sees a notification under Jaebeom's name.

I'm so glad you made it home! And that I actually got your number correctly

When you didn't reply I was scared I had texted the wrong person kkkk

Once again, Jinyoung bites his lips because the tone is completely different in the replies, not so awkward and polite as the first, and now he understand why Jaebeom probably wrote the first message like that. He finds endearing that the older was nervous and scared he had texted the wrong person.

You texted the right person, I just don't check my phone often

Jinyoung doesn't let go of the phone, sitting on his bed with just the towel around his hips, he waits for Jaebeom's answer like a loser.

Ah, that explains. Regardless, I'm relieved.

Are you getting ready for your session?

The younger has to admit he's surprised Jaebeom remembers something he mentioned so casually the night before, and that he immediately assumes that's why Jinyoung is awake early in the morning.

Not that I want, but yes

Forcing himself, Jinyoung puts the phone away to actually get dressed and not feel so pathetic. He's never dressed so quickly before, so that does not help him to protect his pride in any way. And the fact he has several notifications does not help either.

I can only imagine, and I'm sure first thing in the morning makes it worse

Do you have anything else in your agenda today?

Do you think I could steal some of your time today?

Maybe going for coffee again or lunch?

Whatever you want

Jinyoung reads the messages, but he does not reply and as he stares at the screen of his mobile phone, he considers it. As much as he'd like to see Jaebeom again, it still feels weird. He does not understand why the older is so eager to meet nor why does he look so interested in Jinyoung. It's flattering but also mildly disturbing and suspicious. And to be completely honest, it does scare him a bit how easily Jaebeom awakes so many emotions in him, emotions he is not used to feel. It's undoubtedly disconcerting.

I guess we could hang out

He replies, and he knows he sounds nonchalant and even arrogant, but he's embarrassed to show any interest. He honestly does not get how Jaebeom can be so forward so fast.

Great! Then I'll see you later. Is it okay if I pick you up after your session?

Jaebeom clearly isn't embarrassed to look too eager, and that makes Jinyoung feel shy and nervous, and thankfully they are just chatting because he'd be mortified if the older could see his unbecoming blushed face.

Ok

He puts the phone away but doesn't pull his hand away, and before Jaebeom even replies he takes it again to add the address of his therapist and a time for Jaebeom to meet him. Only after that he refuses to check his phone again or see Jaebeom's reply, he focuses on finishing getting ready and leaving, feeling nervous and not because therapy.

Jinyoung is still feeling somewhat erratic by the time he makes it to the office of his therapist, consciously blocking his thoughts from going to Im Jaebeom, and for that very reason ultimately ending up thinking of him. By the time he is in the office and he is called inside the room, he is more annoyed than usual.

It's no surprise his doctor comments as soon as he sees Jinyoung: "You look in a worse disposition than usual."

"That's because I'm in a worse disposition," Jinyoung replies, taking a seat and immediately looking out of the window and not the doctor.

"Do you know why?"

And here we go, with all the questions, Jinyoung thinks, rolling his eyes and taking a deep breath before answering.

"I had a bad night sleep," he minimizes what actually happened. "I'm sorry if I'm grumpier than usual."

"Let me guess," the doctor ventures. "You did not take your sleeping pills."

"I've said this before: I slept way too much already."

"Yet you still need to sleep, Jinyoung," the doctor insists. "It won't help you feel any better not taking your medication. It'll only make it harder."

"So?" Jinyoung challenges. "I'm used to that."

"Then why are you so grumpy today? If you're so used to, why do you look like you can't wait to be out of here? You normally are more polite than this." Jinyoung looks away because when the doctor asks that, his thoughts immediately go to Jaebeom and he hates to think it could be because he wants to see the other man.

"You know you feel better when you sleep. Why do you keep refusing to take those pills only?"

"Let me rephrase it: It makes me even more anxious when I wake up, especially with pills. I don't know how long it's been, what I've missed. It's like waking up from the coma... again."

The doctor looks at Jinyoung, without posing another question but holding the patient's gaze equally challenging. At the end he looks down, just to write something. Without looking up, the doctor asks:

"Have you slept with someone since you woke up?"

Jinyoung chokes on thin air, his eyes widening in shock at the blunt question.

"Pardon?"

"I don't mean sex, I mean just sleeping by someone's side, waking up with someone next to you."

"N-no," he replies, putting all his effort in counting the amount of books in the walls of the doctor's office.

"Hmm... it could help you, to reduce the anxiety of waking up. It would also give you some connection to the present." The doctor looks up this time and Jinyoung is still counting books. "Maybe try sleeping with your mother, or someone you trust."

"You know I don't have someone like that, I don't even have friends."

"Well," the doctor says, crossing one leg over the other and looking at Jinyoung with so much patient that it makes it a bit unnerving. "Then if you don't want to take your medication, maybe you should try making friends and finding someone you trust. Maybe you should try finding a partner," the doctor suggests, smiling to make Jinyoung know he is not pushing him and it's just suggesting that to lighten the mood, but Jinyoung blushes furiously, his heart racing a bit and making him so nervous. He can feel his phone in his pocket, with the weight of the messages Jaebeom has sent him.

He looks away, not wanting to think of Jaebeom and connect him with such train of thoughts. It's obvious the older has some interest in Jinyoung that isn't purely friendship; based on the previous night and how flirty and straightforward he was, Jinyoung isn't crazy to believe he was being hit on. However, that does not mean he is considering it.

"And talking about trust, have you talked to your sister?" The doctor asks and Jinyoung is actually relieved, and this time he gives his full attention to the doctor, just so he doesn't get distracted thinking of someone else.

He replies and talks about everything the doctor requests of him, for the rest of the session as if he was actually committed. He does not appreciate how anxious he feels, how eager when he notices time is up and he's done with his session. The young man feels so nervous when he is walking out of the room and he actually stops in the middle of the reception, feeling like he should run, but where to? He isn't sure. Running away or towards Jaebeom, he truly has no clue.