it's a Christmas miracle! I've managed to force myself to grab my laptop and write the chapter. I have been going through a lot, I have to come back to my country and I'm picking up the pieces of my life now. I think it's time to write this story and as I deal with Jinyoung, I'll face my own issues and, hopefully, get better, too.

Pressure me as much as you can! Pressure to update actually works for me so feel free to nag as much as you want.

Happy Holidays!

PS: this is cross-posting with AO3 

∞

Park Jinyoung is numb.

He woke up from an about six months coma yet he still feels as unconscious and paralyzed, almost as if he had not woke up yet. There's something missing, something big that makes it feel like there's a hole in his soul, black, void and aching. It makes him wake up gaping for air, sometimes crying and he doesn't even know what that is.

Physically, Jinyoung is okay. His wounds, which were mostly internal, are healed. He needs rehabilitation for his weakened muscles and to try to get back most of the mobility of his left arm. Considering the big accident he was in, the young man was lucky not to lose his life, yet he does not feel grateful. He was not looking for death when he left his home that night but he was never looking forward living either. Moreover, he feels emptier than he did before, more alone.

When Jinyoung isn't in therapy, he's in his bed, looking out of the window as if like that he could find whatever is missing in him. His parents come to see him, but he isn't very responsive even if there's no problem with his speech. He holds onto a scarf that was in his room when he woke up, a scarf he doesn't know if it even belongs to him or why he has it there, but it soothes something inside of him and the young man can't let go of it.

Because it only seems Jinyoung is more depressed, his parents decide to move him to the psychiatric ward for more treatment, this is the worst they've seen him and now they are worried. Who would've thought it would take not doing anything at all for them to look worried again?

Jinyoung is now under physical therapy and psychiatric treatment. He talks to a doctor twice a week while being in that ward, with all sort of medications but he cannot even bother to count the amount of pills he's taking.

Firstly, they think Jinyoung is traumatized because of being in coma so long and the accident, so the psychiatrist tries to cover that subject.

"How would you describe being in coma is?" The psychiatrist asks during their first session, and surprisingly, it's the first question Jinyoung actually answers, even making eye contact.

"Like time travel," Jinyoung explains and the doctor in front of him can't hide his surprise, tilting his head a bit and looking more interested. "I remember... being me but younger, like different, younger versions of me that travelled to the present."

"And what did you do when you travelled in time?" The doctor asked, leaning a bit forward.

Jinyoung shrugs. "I just wandered around. Always in high places." For some reason, a small grin comes to the young man's lips as he says that, as if he could recall a fond memory. He does not know why he does that. "I like heights."

"Why did you go to those places?" Jinyoung can see the doctor writing something in a sheet of paper in a clipboard, trying to keep his eyes on the patient but also writing notes that probably say how crazy Jinyoung is.

"To enjoy the view," he answers, breaking the eye contact.

He looks around the big room, filled with different degrees, pictures and many bookshelves filled with thick and dark coloured books with titles in English in big white letters. There are some paintings trying to give some life to the cream coloured room. The furniture is minimalist, but the sofa where he's sitting, although grey and simple, is very comfortable. Yet Jinyoung's attention is caught by the big windows and the view outside.

The office is in a tenth floor or so, the young man cannot recall when he came in, but he can guess based on the view of the city. It's mostly buildings, all so alike, all so tall. It's early in the day so the lights are consumed by the bright sun of a winter day in Seoul. Some billboards can be seen, but Jinyoung is more caught by the sky, so blue and vast, not a single cloud, only the big burning sun. He hasn't gone outside since he woke up but he knows that even if he does, he wouldn't feel the warmth of the sun on his skin. It shines bright but it's too cold to be even felt.

The doctor is still talking, but Jinyoung isn't listening anymore. He closes his eyes and imagines himself at the rooftop of the hospital, watching the view and how the sun slowly moves across the sky, to the West until it hides behind the horizon. It's cold outside, and he can feel it. For some reason, he finds comfort in that and smiles as he wraps that scarf he cannot let go around his neck. It smells nice but like someone else, someone he can't recognise but makes his stomach twist in longing.

Jinyoung is forced away from his daydream by the doctor snapping his fingers in front of his face. He doesn't say anything, just looks at the man in front of him with dead eyes and no expression at all.

"I'll see you in three days, Mr. Park."

Jinyoung doesn't say anything, he doesn't even move because he can't yet, he has to wait till a nurse comes to help him in the wheelchair and takes him outside.

It is fairly the same every time, some days Jinyoung speaks more, depending what kind of question the doctor will pose or how well the medicines are acting. He works on his rehabilitation without complaining, he just does as told. Honestly, he cannot wait till he's out and walking on his own two feet, going wherever he wants. He needs to be outside, he needs to breathe the cold air.

It's a slow progress, and the days seem to drag in the hospital. Everything so white, so sterile. Everything blends and nothing stands out for him. Jinyoung doesn't feel the time passing by, he just sleeps and wakes up, does stuff and goes to sleep again. He has no consciousness of days or weeks, only when he looks outside the window. When he can see the snow falling or people dressing differently. Jinyoung can tell how the holidays go by, Christmas, New Year's, Lunar New Year's and even Valentine's day. He's there in the hospital almost all winter and no drug or session with the psychiatrist could fill the hole in his soul.

However, the rehab showed results and now Jinyoung can walk on his own, his arm is basically normal and as it's not his dominant hand, the little percentage of paralysis is almost unnoticeable. The biggest problem is the excruciating pain in his arm when he's outside for too long and he gets cold, but not even that will take him away from the rooftop now that he can go there on his own. Jinyoung spends hours there, watching the sunset and waiting... he doesn't not for whom or what, but it feels like he cannot go yet, something is ought to happen there. But nothing happens aside from a nurse coming for him every time.

Jinyoung realizes that if he wants to get out of the hospital, he needs to cooperate. He's in a psychiatric ward so he needs to show improvement of some sort. Only because of that he starts actually listening to the doctor, speaking and opening up, covering the deep roots of his depression and changing medication that gives him energy and some will to go on.

It's the last week of February when Jinyoung is cleared up and he can finally leave the hospital. He still needs to keep seeing the doctor as he isn't cured, his depression won't be gone magically, but he is well enough not to be monitored twenty-four seven.

Going back home doesn't feel welcoming. His parent's don't know how to treat him so they mumble and end up making excuses to leave him alone. His sister cannot even look at him. Jinyoung can see the guilt eating her from inside, but also her pride stopping her from apologizing. Jinyoung is sure her mind tells her she didn't cause the accident, and in all honestly, he doesn't blame her. He doesn't need an apology, he knows it was his fault, he was distracted and he showed up in front of the oncoming truck. He caused the accident.

One of the things Jinyoung asked when he woke up, the second or third time (he cannot recall much of the first time he woke up) was if everyone was all right. His parents complied to tell him no one had died in the accident, a woman was badly injured but she survived and woke up form her coma a few months before he did. One of his goals now that he is not in the hospital is finding who that woman is and apologize to her, and also the truck driver. It was his fault so if someone needs to say sorry it's him, not his sister.

Jinyoung tries to remember the first time he woke up. He was told there was someone with him, a friend, but Jinyoung doesn't have friends and whoever that person was, he never came back. He wonders if thats how he got the scarf.

Without a proper answer, Jinyoung assumes it was someone who was visiting another patient in the same room, someone who happened to see him waking up and called for the doctors.

Trying to get his life back, or whatever he had before the accident that people called a life, Jinyoung starts by looking for the truck driver. He needs to go to the police and explain who he is and why he needs to see the man. The police officer at that moment explains the man lost his driving license and was fined for the accident, they don't know what he's doing now but they give him an address after so much begging and promising he doesn't want to scream at the driver, he only needs to apologize.

Jinyoung feels horrible knowing he costed the man his way of make a living, he begs the man isn't doing too poorly because he has no way to help. He finished high school but he never went to college and he only worked part-time jobs before, but he has nothing now.

The man isn't in his property but after asking around with the neighbours, Jinyoung finds out the man is working in a food truck in Sinchon. It takes him a while to get to that neighbourhood, and even finding the truck and the man.

The man works lone in one of the small streets that lead to so many bars and karaokes, a little blue track where he sells teokbokki , constantly stirring it, with fishcake soup. There are two people eating in front of him while the man bows, smiles and wipes his seat with his forearm, back curved probably ching. It's still fairly cold yet the man is lightly dressed. When Jinyoung spots him his body is frozen, he cannot approach him and he finally understands how his sister feels and why she cannot even meet his eyes. He understands the guilt that is now eating him alive and he feels like throwing up.

Like a coward, he turns around and steps away, feeling cold with shame. He hides in the scarf he wrapped around his neck before leaving the house and walks away, his eyes on the ground as he steadily keeps his pace. The stores and people pass by him, but he doesn't look up. He hears the cars and busses drive on the big street, and all the noise from the city. It gets louder as he crosses Hongdae and quieter as he gets to Hapjeong, but he doesn't stop until he reaches the river.

It's late and cold, he's dressed in just black jeans and a black sweater, the navy blue scarf is the warmest garment he's wearing. The wind is blowing hard, the scarf and his hair that's finally short after it grew so much during the coma dance with the wind. On the bridge and the sounds of the city are even louder, he cannot hear his own thoughts.

That's exactly what he needs, so he walks and just watches the view, the black river and all the lights of the other bridges in the distance. The thousands of buildings around, and the black sky. Only the moon is shining so bright, but no stars can be seen.

When Jinyoung stops, he puts his feet and hands on the rail, trying to get a better view and enjoy the height of the bridge. The river is so far below, dark and looking turbulent, it looks appealing as if it were speaking to his soul, but not to jump in, it's a different kind of call. It draws his guilt, his fear and despair, the back water takes away all his emotions and he can breathe.

"Not thinking of jumping, are you?" Someone asks next to him, making him look away from the river. Jinyoung looks to his right and he finds a young man, tall and muscular, with wide shoulders. Dressed in black like his own hair, the young man in front of him is incredibly handsome, with a little grin on his lips and narrow eyes that look at him so intensely, so... happily. Jinyoung can spot two dots under the man's left eyebrow and he is surprised at the piercing. It's only after he looks a bit closer he can see it's a pair of twin moles.

Finding his voice after being surprised by the handsome stranger, Jinyoung replies trying to look composed and unaffected, "No, I was just en—"

"—enjoying the view," the stranger finishes for him. "Some people actually enjoy heights."

It's as if the stranger had read his mind, confusing him. He squints his eyes as if like that he could figure out the handsome man in front of him, but he only seems amused and smiles at him, warmly and so happily. It seems like the other man knows something Jinyoung doesn't, and that unsettles him.

Jinyoung keeps looking at him, trying to understand but he gets often distracted by how handsome the stranger is, and his heart seems to beat faster, excited. He doesn't get what's happening.

"Have I met you before?" He asks because there's something oddly familiar about the young man.

The stranger doesn't reply immediately, instead he grins and Jinyoung's heart leaps, as if it did some lap in his heart, surprising him.

"Maybe," he says with that grin that making Jinyoung feel a bit weak in the knees. "I'm Im Jaebeom," he introduces himself, holding his hand and not losing that smile.

Jinyoung hesitates, looking at that hand and at the stranger in front of him, so handsome and somewhat familiar. He feels warmer than he did in the whole day and there's a bubbling excitement in his guts, something that makes him want to smile back at him.

Instead, Jinyoung accepts the handshake and replies, "Park Jinyoung."

"I know," Im Jaebeom replies, smiling wider, stepping a bit closer and making Jinyoung's heart speed up.

Seriously, who is the man in front of him?