Rose

"Why did I start university in the first place." I mumbled as I ran my fingers through my loose, dark brown hair. Not knowing if they had certain protocols about the way you should wear your hair, I decided on loose today. Making a bun or braid out of my long hair didn't take long, anyway.

I didn't want to think about it yet, though. Because if here was one thing that I feared and disliked, then it would be internship. Spending your days at University wasn't everything either, but I'd still choose that if I had the choice.

There weren't a lot of specific reasons, though. It was great to finally work out things taught theoretically in practical tasks, but I just wasn't the best at meeting new people. And besides that, I felt like I was thrown into a big hole where I had to find out everything myself. I had to climb out of my comfort zone all the time and I hated that.

I didn't even have breakfast today because I couldn't get anything down my throat. The nerves made me nauseous although I knew once I was there everything would be just fine, I was just really good in overthinking and making up scenarios that- most likely- wouldn't ever happen.

The moment to get there was the hardest and most nerve racking part. Because first of all, I didn't even know where to go. They gave me the address of the hospital, the floor and that was it. Not even a name from someone who was going to work with me and explain me things.

And if I hated one thing, then it was haziness. I needed everything to be clear before I want to do something or go somewhere. But that was just me. No one else thought like that, apparently.

"Breathe, Rose." I told myself when thoughts clouded my mind for the hundredth time this morning. Once I calmed down, I started the car and set up the navigation, telling me that the drive would take about twenty minutes.

That meant I still had a while to overthink and make amazing scenarios of how bad today can go. Oh, Rose, aren't you just so amazing.

Turning up the volume of the radio to hopefully stop overthinking, it didn't seem to help. Dawn had yet to awake from its sleep, and was therefore still dark and quiet. There were barely any drivers on the road, so I didn't have anyone to scold either.

I just felt like something going wrong in traffic, so I had a reason to scold those people and not worry about my internship.

"Stop this, Rose. My goodness." I told myself again. I switched gears and drove off, following the route on my navigation but secretly wondering if I should just go the other way and drive towards Scotland or something.

Deep in thoughts, I jumped when my phone started ringing out of nowhere. I saw the word 'mum' and I picked up right away as I placed the phone on my phone holder.

"Hi." I answered.

"Sweetheart, you forgot your lunch!" My mum replied, causing me to roll my eyes.

I groaned, "Great! Just amazing! The day hasn't even started and things go wrong already." I bit my lip to prevent it from trembling and still followed the navigation.

My mum sighed, "Rose, you need to stop worrying so much. Trust me it will be just fine. You'll have a nice time, I promise you. You've been wanting to become a nurse since you were a little girl. It's going to become reality."

"Well, I can't help that reality is such a stupid and scary thing." I mumbled. "But great, thanks for the advice mum. See you later today." I hung up after that, muttered things to myself and continued to drive until I reached the huge- but then huge - hospital.

I parked my car, stepped out and stared at it for a few minutes before allowing myself to walk over to the also big entrance. A lot of people walking in and out, patients and nurses, doctors, whatever they were.

Swallowing, I took a deep breath after that and mentally prepared me for this day, trying to ignore my clammy hands and dry mouth due to the nerves. This was going to be the start of my internship. Four days a week of this internship at the hospital. One at university.

I'd be screwed if I didn't like it, because they were four days out of seven, but if I did like it, I would be very lucky.

My shaky legs somehow managed to bring me to the entrance. It was only around seven am, but it was more alive than ever here at the hospital. Perhaps, because hospitals were twenty- four- seven care, but still.

I walked inside through a revolving door and joined a man who's thumb was hanging down instead of standing up straight and I almost had to throw up at the sight of it. Blood was dripping down his finger, onto the floor and if I could- I would've ran away.

"I was making breakfast, chopping some oranges to make juice out of it.. chopped next to it." The man said, probably because he saw me staring at it.

I gulped but recovered quickly, "Well what's the difference between a thumb and an orange, right?" I said, mentally slapping myself because what kind of a comment is that?

The man just laughed and our ways split as he walked the opposite direction, into the huge hospital. I stood still and looked around for the elevator. I knew the elevator was going to bring me to at least the right floor, wasn't it?

After searching for a while and walking into the toilet by accident for about five times I finally found the elevator and I stepped inside. I pressed on number four as it was the fourth floor and I breathed out in relief yet nerves when I was alone again. It was quiet in the elevator and I stared at myself into the mirror door.

My brown eyes looked tired, but what else could I expect at seven am in the morning? I couldn't leave my bed and I really wanted to sleep some more the moment I woke up, but I had no choice. They were expecting me here.

Or well, I hoped they did. You never knew with my university and internship. The first ever internship I went to had forgotten about me, while I had to work there for a few days in a month. Maybe my fear of internship had grown from there.

The elevator doors opened and I frowned deeply when I saw nurses walking around with mouth caps. Since when were babies that toxic? My internship would be at the labor and delivery rooms, right?

Opening my Eastpack, I took out the papers university had given me, my eyes scanning the sentences written on there. It only read 'St. Thomas Hospital London, fourth floor, 7 am, internship Rose.'

I signed up for the obstetric department. If that's not going to be it I'm going home.

Walking over to the counter, I stared at the woman who was aggressively typing things down her computer. "Uhm, hi." I said, removing the loose strands of hair out of my face. I bit my lip out of nerves and fiddled with the paper in my hands.

The woman looked up at me. "Hi sweetheart. Who are you looking for? You know the visiting hours are only at 10 am until 12 am and 2 pm until 4 pm, right?"

I chuckled awkwardly, "I didn't, but hey, you learn something new everyday." Why do I exist?

That was literally the first thought that came up into my mind after that comment left my mouth. Why do I say things?

"Anyway, I'm not here to visit someone. I'm actually here for my internship. I'm going to work here. Into the labor and delivery rooms." I smiled, but her face turned into a big question mark, making me swallow in nerves again.

She looked onto her computer screen and started typing something down. "This isn't the right floor then, but the email does say that there will be a trainee. Rose West."

I gulped, "That's my name. But I signed up for the.. wait, what is this anyway?" I looked around me but didn't see much people.

"Oncology, darling. It says that you belong here. Something must have gone wrong with the signing up." The woman spoke, an apologetic look on her face, probably because she noticed my hesitation.

"Oncology?" My heart started beating faster as I knew I'd never be able to emotionally handle that. I already bawled my eyes out watching documentaries about it.

The woman nodded. "Wait, I'll call your internship mentor."

"No, no, but wait- I didn't.." I started to worry even more. I didn't want this. I couldn't handle this. I wasn't going to do this. I closed my eyes and nervously chewed on my bottom lip.

See, I did have every reason to be terrified for my first internship day. It was like I already felt something I didn't like was going to happen. But then again, it always did, to me at least.

Moments later, a dark skinned woman arrived. Her smile was bright and it seemed like she was expecting me. "Rose, that's you right?" She said, her hand already stretched out to me. I shook it and slowly nodded my head.

"Yeah.." I replied while slowly looking around.

The woman kept smiling, "Great. I was expecting you. My name is Caroline. How are you doing? Are you nervous?"

I bit my lip again and stared into her dark brown eyes, "Uhm yeah.. this is not what I thought I would be doing, actually but.." I said carefully. Not many students could do their internships at the hospital so I was very lucky. I didn't want to sound like an ungrateful kid, even if this wasn't what I wanted at all.

"Right, about that. We had thirty students who had all signed up for this hospital, but we only had three places. We read your solicitations and we picked you and two others out of them all. The thing is, the other girl wanted the same department as you, and since her solicitation letter was sent earlier we chose her for that.." She said.

"I hope you're not mad. We didn't want to let you go since you really took our interest and based on everything you wrote we thought the oncology would fit you as well." Caroline explained, clearly observing my expression with her warm eyes.

I had many thoughts rushing through my mind but I did know that they were strict and so I was extremely lucky to still be here, even if it wasn't where I wanted to be. Maybe I just had to take the challenge and see what would happen.

"It's alright.. I'm just scared I won't be able to handle it emotionally." She would help me through it. She was my mentor after all, right?. I had to be honest from the start.

She placed her hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry, love. Even I still cry sometimes. And it's not always as bad as you might think it is. How about I just start the day like I usually do and you just walk along, ask questions and see how everything works?"

I nodded, giving her a smile. "That sounds okay."

Caroline took me to everywhere and showed me everything I had to know. The toilets, the surgery rooms, the small rooms for check ups, sleeping rooms full of sick children, a few empty rooms where she explained me how everything worked and where everything was placed. And last but not least we were going to visit single rooms where only one patient was staying.

Usually they were alone because they were either older, too sick or they chose for it.

Suddenly Caroline stood still and pointed at a random room, 'twenty- eight' glued to the door with a neat, black sticker font.

"The children eat together so they're all awake, but people who are staying in a single room can choose to have breakfast alone or together. But since this patient has had his first period of new medication we let him sleep in and so he is still probably asleep right now." Caroline smiled, reaching for the doorknob with her hand.

"We can still enter his room and if he is awake, you can ask him what he'd like for breakfast, deal?"

I slowly nodded my head. "Deal."

Caroline knocked, probably got an answer as she started opening the door and my eyes immediately met with hazel colored ones.