Rose

Once Caroline and I had arrived to the surgery room, she handed me a mouth cap and a cape to wear over my clothes, so everything was as sterile as it could and had to be.

Zayn's parents had said their goodbyes already as they weren't allowed to be in this room anymore, though, the nurses were. Curiosity had taken over me as I'd always wanted to know how these things work, however, I was also slightly nervous as I knew anything could go wrong.

I adjusted the mask on my face and I tied the cape behind my back, wearing the blue shoe covers for the hygiene and to keep things sterile as well. Once I was finished, Caroline held the door for me and I thanked her as I stepped inside the room, my eyes roaming over the very white area.

Zayn was already in the bed but he was still sitting up and listening to some of the doctors, which were about five men who were all instructing and preparing him for his surgery. He was wearing his hospital gown, but obviously left his beanie off. It made him look sick, even though he always was- he didn't always look like it. But now, in the surgery room in nothing but a gown, anyone could tell he had cancer.

"So, what they're doing now is telling him how long it will take, what the side effects of the anesthetics can be and what he might feel like after surgery. They're preparing him for everything while maybe half of the things they're saying might not be for him." Caroline explained quietly, pointing at the doctors.

I nodded and watched how they showed him a few things they were going to use in surgery. I heard the patients could choose if they wanted to see it or not, as some patients had become unwell by seeing it since they were using pretty big and heavy things. Zayn chose to see it.

The doctor turned his attention to us, "We're going to give him the anesthetics" He informed us, waving us over to the bed where Zayn was lying in. Caroline guided me over, her hand pressed to the lower part of my back.

Zayn gave me a small smile, the left corner of his mouth curled up more than the right one. Returning the smile, my cheeks warmed, making me focus on the doctor who was preparing his anesthetics instead.

"Alrigt, Zayn. The anesthetics are prepared and we'll be giving them through a face mask. When we put it on, we want you to count from ten to one, alright?" He asked Zayn, helping Zayn sit up more safely, in case he'd slip into the anesthesia and fall back down.

"Okay, yeah." Zayn slowly nodded his head and watched silently how the doctor held up the face mask, allowing Caroline to talk to him for the one last time before he'd go into surgery.

Caroline pressed a kiss to Zayn's head and patted his hand softly, tenderness in her eyes. "Good luck, Zayn. You can do it."

"Thanks." He almost whispered, smiling at her, then at me as our eyes met. His calmness made me feel calm as well, the slight nerves fading as I trusted God, fully handing over the surgery to Him and the doctors.

The doctor adjusted the mask to Zayn's pale face, instructing the other doctor to hold Zayn up as he could fall down quickly. "Okay, count from ten to one, please." The doctor instructed Zayn, checking the machines so now and then.

Zayn had a slight frown on his forehead as he started breathing in and out through the mask and he started counting, "Ten, nine, eight, seven... seven.." He started to become sleepier, judging from his face as his eyes were already closing but he tried really hard to focus on the numbers and stay awake.

"Seven... six... eight.. t-ten.. n-" He couldn't finish the nine, which was a wrong number, anyway but it didn't matter. It was extremely strange to see as within one second his frown and slightly furrowed eyebrows went back to a neutral expression and he fell down onto the doctors hands who were holding him up.

They laid him down as he was in a deep sleep and they watched him for a little while to see if he really was gone to sleep and tested it with a few small actions, wanting to prevent the horror from happening that he could still feel things.

They started undressing him and took away the hospital gown. That was the moment me and Caroline left to let the doctors do their job. We would hopefully see him in a few hours. We closed the door and we took off all of our sterile stuff.

And as the doctors took off the hospital gown, Caroline and I left the room to let the doctors do their very important, yet risky, job. Hopefully, we would see him in a few hours. After closing the door, we took off our sterile clothing and threw them away.

Caroline stretched her arms out, curiously looking at me. "What did you think about it?" We stepped out of the small hall and walked over to the living room in deep thoughts, the previous happening replaying in my mind.

"It was really interesting to see, like the way his expression changed to neutral and how his body became limp so suddenly. He was gone within a second," I was sure I wouldn't ever forget this experience. Talk about the strength and power of anesthetics.

"Right? It still amazes me how something like anesthesia works. Most patients try really hard to still stay awake, but it's always stronger than them." Caroline slowly shook her head in some sort of disbelief, preparing some tea after that.

I thoughtfully nodded my head, "Yeah it's insane, but it's good. I really hope they'll take away his pain." I sighed softly and sat down while cupping my cup of tea to warm up my slightly cold hands.

"Me too." She smiled and let the strawberry teabag fall into her cup. I chose camomile tea and added a spoonful of honey, sinking deep into my thoughts.

Caroline gave me a biscuit and I thanked her, taking a small bite of it and glancing at the clock, secretly hoping the hours would fly by.

"He's a special one. No one deserves the pain he has, but he.." Caroline sighed and took a sip of her tea. "I know this is very unprofessional of me what I'm about to say but just don't tell anyone." She whispered and chuckled a little, slowly shaking her head.

I smiled, "What is?"

"I know we shouldn't attach ourselves to patients, but you cannot stop it. You really can't. I tried but no.. Zayn.. he reminds me so much of my son, you know?" Caroline started. "My son is twenty two years old, so he's one year older than Zayn and he just got engaged."

I smiled again, "Wow, that's great. Congratulations."

"Thanks love." She smiled happily. "But what I'm trying to say.. Zayn really feels like a son to me. The day we met he was already so attached to me for some reasons. It probably made it too easy to not attach myself to him too. His positivity inspired me so much, it's just amazing. But when I think of my own son and see how he just got engaged and is looking for a house to live in with his fiancé.. it always makes me think of Zayn."

She took another sip of her tea and briefly looked at me. "How Zayn might not be able to do all of this. Maybe it's wrong. I'm a nurse, I should be professional but sometimes you just can't. My heart aches when I think of him being stuck in a hospital. He should be out there, in the wide world getting to know girls, work and just do the things he likes but he can't."

"Instead, he's in unbearable pain and nausea almost all the time and his body is fighting so hard on the inside." Caroline 's eyes watered, but she quickly wiped it off. "I hate to see him like that. He doesn't deserve it."

I shook my head, feeling my heart shatter for some reasons.. "He really doesn't."

We talked about Zayn for another while. It was nice as I felt like I started to get to know him even better. Caroline told me the good days and his bad days, how he would cope with them in his own 'Zayn' way which made him even more special.

After that we started talking about my university, my school work and my internship paragraphs I still had to get. We talked to Zayn's parents who were waiting with us and I could feel myself almost bursting with nerves and relief when the doctor came to tell us the surgery was over.

"It was intense, but we were able to remove a big part of the tumor successfully. There's still a little left but we hope chemotherapy or if there's no other option- radiation therapy will kill those cells. We gave him a catheter as he isn't allowed to leave his bed in the next following days. Zayn is brought to the recovery room. I'd like to invite you to there." The doctor said, his forehead trickling with sweat from the surgery still.

Trisha hugged Zayn's father, the tears suddenly streaming down her face as the nerves were probably finally being expressed. Silently walking over to the recovery room, we slowly walked over to the bed he was lying in, Zayn's parents on the right side of the bed, Caroline and I on the left side.

Swallowing away the lump in my throat that formed as I watched him lying there, I couldn't help but feel melancholic. He was still asleep, just a thin blanket covering his lower body in order to not hurt or damage his freshly stitched wound. The huge and fresh scar started at his last rib, all the way down to the actual spot of his tumor. The swollen place was gone, stitches and a scar the only things seen now on his bare body.

Zayn had a small pipe in his mouth, which let him breathe properly and Caroline checked his body temperature, his heartbeat and pressure and his breathing as he slept his anesthetics off.

My eyes fell onto his chest, his breathing seeming short and fast. "Caroline?" I said quietly. "Why is he breathing like that?" I pointed at his fast rising chest.

Caroline gave me a sympathetic look. "He's breathing like that because he's in a lot of pain, sadly."

I slowly nodded my head and stared at him again. It made me extremely sad to know he was in even more pain because of the scar. His mother grabbed his hand and kissed it, but Zayn didn't react. He was still in a deep sleep.

"Can't you give him medication, like painkillers or something?" I asked quietly.

Caroline shook her head. "Not when he's sleeping and still under anesthetics. It's a little too risky to do that. We're going to wait until he wakes up."

Looking around me, I saw how another patient was waking up. Family cheered, the patient smiling lazily by seeing them. It made me want Zayn to wake up. It wasn't like he was my family or anything, but I had noticed that things did more to my feelings than it should be allowed to.

But finally, after some minutes he started moving his head slowly. His eyes fluttered open but closed again after one second, the exhaustion still clearly there. He tried opening them again and after a few seconds he was able to keep them open for a while, though his eyelids hung halfway.

Zayn let out a loud whimper, the pain seeming unbearable for him at the moment. The sight of it made me tear up, wondering how much more I was able to handle emotionally. I hated to see him in pain, I hated to see anyone in general in pain.

"Hi, love. Are you feeling okay?" Trisha managed to ask through her tears, softly stroking his cheeks. He briefly stared at her, then moved his eyes to his father, Caroline and I at last. He seemed to be lost, still trying to come back to reality.

Caroline removed the small breathing pipe out of his mouth and he slowly licked his lips, not saying anything yet, though blinked his eyes rapidly to get the sleep out of them.

"You did well, Zayn." Caroline mentioned while taking off all the bandaids on his chest which were holding the small tubes in place, that were connected to all sorts of machines.

Zayn closed his eyes and his eyebrows were furrowed deeply, his eyes squeezing. He let out another sound of pain, which he barely noticed he did.

"I know, sweetheart. It will be okay." Caroline sighed sadly and got his bed off the footbrake so she could ride the bed towards his own room. We followed Caroline in silence and I honestly felt so sad just to see him like that. So helpless, so full of pain.

Once settled in his room, he broke off all the eye contact his parents wanted to make, turning his head away once they were facing him.

"Are you okay, darling?" His mother asked him, wanting to rest her hand upon his cheek, but he refused and slowly shook his head, letting us know he was uncomfortable.

Zayn spoke up, his voice sounding extremely hoarse because of the anesthetics and hours of sleep, "I want to be alone."

"Zayn.." His mother tried but Zayn turned his face away from her, swallowing. Caroline observed him, but even she was frowning, confusion written over her face.

"Go away." He said and closed his eyes, an expression of pain appearing on his face.

"Zayn-" She tried again but his father took her hand and led her near me, taking her out of the situation.

He rubbed her back soothingly and looked into her eyes. "We need to leave him alone, Trisha. He's in a lot of pain. He wants to cry and you know he doesn't want to do that around us. You know him. Come on, let's go."

And hearing those words broke my heart into a million pieces. He wanted them to leave him alone because he wanted to cry.