Zayn

Chemotherapy cure number two. Two sessions were done in one week and the misery started to begin again. The nausea was disturbing my sleep, my meals and it was also effecting my mood. I couldn't do anything else than sitting on the toilet with the same old, white bowl full of my vomit.

I was shivering and shaking while my back was leaned against the wall behind me. I was even too tired to sit up straight on the toilet. Everything was sore down there and I felt too weak to throw up but I still had to as my body was pushing me to do so, making me feel exhausted.

My eyes were half closed as I was almost falling asleep, but once I could fully give over to slumber- the strong feeling of nausea came up again, making me feel as if I had to retch. I forced myself to sit up straight, the vomit leaving my mouth right after.

The muscles in my stomach were aching because of the strength they used while pushing everything back up, out of my mouth and into the bowl all the time, but I couldn't stop it.

I just wanted it to stop, I just wanted to sleep. I didn't get sleep at all last night because I had to throw up every single hour. My own body couldn't give me the rest I needed and I was exhausted.

Someone knocked on the toilet door, "Are you alright, Zayn?" Caroline questioned, concern laced in her soft voice.

"Mhm." I mumbled, not being able to speak proper words as I was scared I'd throw up right away. And as I didn't want to be stuck in here all day, I finished my things on the toilet, pulled up my pants, emptied the bowl in the toilet and flushed.

My shaky legs, somehow, managed to keep me up, though, I wondered how I would be able to make it back to my room. Once I had opened the door, Caroline was standing there much to my relief, and helped me get back to my bed safely.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Caroline asked me as she let go of my arm, sitting me down on the bed and giving me a blanket.

I slowly wrapped the blanket around myself and shook my head. "I want painkillers." I managed to bring out, my voice not cracking much to my relief.

My stomach was hurting awfully much because of the constant pressure the tumor was giving my body. It made me want to cry out in misery, but I didn't do it and pushed my mind to think of something else instead, so I wouldn't be focusing on the pain.

Caroline sat down beside me and wrapped the blanket more around my back so I was feeling warm. "You can't get them if you don't eat something Zayn.. it's counterproductive."

Sighing sadly, I pressed my palms to my eyes and rubbed them. "Can I take a shower? I might feel better after that."

"Yeah, that's alright. Do you want me to help you?" Caroline suggested.

I shook my head. "No. I'll be fine." It wasn't like I was ashamed of it, because I wasn't at all. Of course, I'd always rather do it myself, but Caroline had seen me without any clothes on more than once as she had washed me on the bed when I had a high fever, she helped me urinate and helped me with defecation. She had seen, but I liked to do the things I was still capable of myself.

"Just call my name when you need me then, okay?" She commented, softly touching my arm for a brief moment.

I nodded and let the blanket fall off me when I slowly stood up. Goosebumps appeared on my skin right away but I tried to ignore it and just keep on walking. When I arrived at my own small bathroom I shoved the curtain- which was a replacement for a door- closed and started undressing myself.

I unbuttoned my pajama blouse and removed the knot in the small strings of my sweatpants- waistband. Pushing them down, I stared at the spot my heavy belly ache was coming from. It was still swollen and I felt like it had become even bigger, but I wasn't sure about it.

Finally taking off my underwear and socks, I let the water run and warm up while I was staring at it.

Slowly moving my hand, I touched the water, sighing in relief when I felt it was warm enough for me to stand in. Walking over to the running water, I leaned my back against the cold wall as I stood underneath the spray.

I closed my eyes and heard the faint voice of Caroline and someone else talking. My eyes shot open. Was it Rose?

I tried to focus on the voices, but the shower was too loud and I couldn't hear. I didn't know if she was coming today. I didn't know what day it was today as I was sick and slept at the weirdest times and I completely lost track of the days of the week.

I grabbed some soap and started washing my body, suddenly feeling very weak in my legs. Without wanting it, my eyes rolled to the back of my head as I was exhausted, shaking and weak in my mind too now. I leaned my head back against the wall and furrowed my eyebrows.

I felt my kneecaps bumping against each other as they were about to lose the last strength I still had but my muscles still gave them some energy kicks. My hands started shaking so bad that I had to let go of my soap bottle, letting it slip out of my hands and fall down on the wet floor.

My vision started to get blurry but I tried to keep my eyes as open as I could, but I failed. The nausea was coming back stronger than ever, mixed with the extreme pain causing my vision to get blurrier by the minute and I was terrified for a moment, until everything became black and I crashed down onto floor with a loud smack.

I didn't know how long I had been gone, but the moment I opened my eyes I saw a lot of people around me. I saw Caroline, Rose, the doctor and another man and nurse I didn't really know.

A stinging pain shot into my head as I tried to move and I slowly placed my hand on the sore spot. I must've smacked my head while fainting, I thought, the strong feeling making me feel sick.

I was still in the shower, sitting on the floor and I felt extremely relieved when I saw that my lower body was covered with a towel. It wasn't much, but it was something at least. I wondered if Rose saw more than I wanted her to see but I tried not to worry about that now as my head was bouncing from pain.

"Zayn, are you okay sweetheart?" Caroline crouched down in front of me and helped me to sit up more straight. "I shouldn't have let you showered on your own. You barely ate something." She mumbled to herself while stroking my cheek.

I slowly nodded my head, which was a wrong thing to do. Another stinging pain was brought to my head and I couldn't help but touch the sore spot again. "Did I smack my head?"

"We guess so. It was slightly bleeding. We just heard a loud thud. We found out it was you." Caroline looked concerned but she did give me a smile, probably to lessen my own concerns.

I widened my eyes and made sure Rose wasn't looking when I gestured to her. Caroline chuckled. "Don't worry. She didn't see anything." She whispered.

I sighed in relief and rested my head back against the wall. Carefully, as it was in pain.

My teeth started chattering, my body shivering as the sickness and coldness were boring through my body. Rose had clearly noticed.

"Do you want your clothes, Zayn?" She suggested, her voice soft and sweet.

I gave her a small smile. "Yeah, please. Thanks Rose." The bright smile that she returned made me feel warm, but I looked away, hearing how she walked out of the bathroom to retrieve my clothes.

"Zayn, if you're dressed we'd like to talk to you about something. Take your time, though. We'll wait." My doctor said and I slowly nodded my head, not looking forward to it at all as it usually wasn't good news.

When Rose gave Caroline my clothes they all left, except Caroline and she helped me to stand up. I slowly dried the still wet places and reached for my underwear which Caroline was holding up for me.

I slipped it on and looked at her, gulping lightly. "Is it bad news?" I swallowed nervously.

"I don't know. They didn't tell me. They did examine your tumor so they either must've seen some progress or something else." She shrugged slowly, a sympathetic smile appearing on her face.

"Oh." I continued to dress myself in silence and couldn't help but worry. I didn't feel like such a heavy conversation as my head and belly hurt, I was still nauseous and I still wanted to sleep. Summed up, a misery.

Caroline helped me out of the bathroom and I tiredly sat down on my bed, barely being able to keep my eyes open.

Rose sat down beside me on my bed and she handed me a blanket. I gave her another smile and placed it on my lap. I would cover myself with it while I slept, my strength far away from me at the moment.

"Alright, Zayn. We have decided that we're going to remove your tumor in surgery. We don't know if we'll be able to remove everything, but we've noticed that you're in a lot of pain and we want to get at least a little pressure off. It will be a very long surgery but it'll be worth it." The doctor spoke slowly.

I processed the words but I was almost too tired to remember what he just said. I was cold and I just wanted to hug Rose, the comfort needed.

"Do you understand it? And do you have any questions?" The doctor asked. I didn't reply. My eyelids were too heavy to keep them open.

Caroline walked over to me and rubbed my back. "He's tired. We'll let him sleep and talk to him about it after that. He really needs his sleep." She said to the doctors. I was thankful for it but I was even too tired for that to show her.

The doctor gave her a small nod and left the room with the unknown nurse and man. Rose stood up from my bed and Caroline laid me down.

I had closed my eyes right away and I faintly remember that they made sure I was comfortable, tucked me in and both wished me goodnight. I was too tired to react to that.

I fell in a deep sleep and could finally forget about my unbearable pain, nausea and the far thought of a surgery.