Zayn

The brightly shining sun woke me from my deep slumber, squinting my eyes in an instant. Yawns left my mouth and I pressed my palms to my eyes as I rubbed off the blurriness that hampered my clarity. Realising that I had forgotten to close the curtains last night, I stared at the blue sky, that was filled with with a blur of spread out clouds. Happiness flooded through my body when I heard the birds singing.

Closing my eyes again, I pretended it was spring instead of winter. The gloominess and cold didn't exactly help me- I couldn't wait to feel the natural warmth on your skin, the squinting of your eyes when the rays would be too bright.

Breathing in deeply, I suddenly felt how my chest and throat hurt, causing me to cough as a slight tickle appeared in the back of my throat. The cough sounded as if it was further away from me, confirming that I was half deaf, along with a stuffed nose. I caught a cold.

No matter how it disappointed me, I wasn't going to let it ruin my rather cheerful morning. However, I turned to my other side as the sun was starting to give me a headache. Or it was the cold- I didn't know, but either way, it made me sigh.

Reaching for my stuffed Simba, I smiled a little as I brought it closer to me. Rose had bought it for me, from now on, it would always be a reminder and memory to one of the nicest days I had ever had in my life. Spending the day at the zoo had been so much fun, because it had been with her.

Her comments, her stories, her theories about any animal that would be there in the zoo- I loved it all. Her forgetting my tube feeding had been my last concern, she made me forget about the negative, even the uncomfortable feeling of when I would get hungry, and only brought up the positivity.

I still didn't understand where I had gotten the courage from to hold her hand like that, and I still didn't quite understand why she hadn't pulled away from me, but didn't that tell me that she must've liked it? I didn't quite know. If only my backpack wouldn't have ruined the moment- although I was rather happy that she had acted as if nothing had happened. I never wanted it to be awkward afterwards.

We hadn't talked about it yet, but for some reasons, I wanted to keep it that way. We didn't have to talk about everything, for I thought it would only ruin some things.

Closing my eyes, a deep, sleepy sigh left my slightly parted lips as I felt myself drifting off to sleep, but got woken up instantly when the door swung open and my little sister ran over to me, screaming my name in pure excitement.

"Safaa!" Smiling widely, I pulled her onto my bed and embraced her into a tight hug, pressing kisses all over her face.

Looking up, I saw how my parents and two other sisters entered my room, closing the door behind them. "Mum!" Smiling warmly, I wrapped my arms around her neck as she pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth.

"Good morning, sweetheart. Isn't that a surprise? We thought we would all come by for once. Did you just wake up? How are you feeling?" She mentioned, making some space for my dad and sisters to greet me as well.

Chuckling, I playfully rolled my eyes. "Too many questions, mum." Kissing my dad's and sisters' cheeks, I turned my attention back to her. "Yeah, I just woke up and of course it's a surprise, a really good one. I feel fine, just caught a cold but that's alright." I shrugged.

Mum sat down on my bed and pressed her hand to my face as she started to stroke my cheek for a brief moment. "I'm sorry, Zayn. Your body is very vulnerable right now, anything could get to you."

Rubbing my eyes, I covered my mouth as I coughed. "I guess, yeah. It is what it is, though. Nothing to do about it." I mumbled quietly, watching how Safaa retrieved Simba from my bed and started cuddling it close to her chest, showing him to Doniya and Waliyha after that.

Waliyha chuckled, smacking Simba against me. "Since when do you have stuffed animals in your bed?"

"Since I went to the zoo, which was yesterday to be precisely." I answered, grinning lightly as I removed the covers from my body and dangled my legs over the edge of the bed.

Mum looked up at me, her eyebrows furrowed lightly. "You did? You didn't tell me, why did you go?"

"Apparently every patient gets a day out with a nurse at some point to forget about stuff for a moment. Somehow, they thought I deserved it because I recently had the surgery and because.." I swallowed, looking away. "Because Nathan.." I stopped, feeling emotional about the loss of my best friend.

"We're so sorry, Zayn. You know if we could, we would take away all the pain that you have, you know that, right?" Her voice sounded desperately, almost. My heart swelled, I pressed a kiss to her cheek and let her hold me. For some reasons, I felt affectionate towards my mum. I didn't really know why- but maybe because I hadn't been the nicest the past few times she had visited, or because deep down I simply didn't feel well and searched for her comfort.

"Did you have a good day, at least? Caroline went with you?" Mum asked, her soft hand slowly stroking my bald head, which she did subconsciously.

"Rose went with me. I had a really good day." I could see from the corner of my eye that my sisters exchanged glances. Avoiding eye contact with them because of that, my mind started to race with thoughts. Was it that obvious? Was it even true that I liked Rose?

"No.. Rose. I had a really good day." I noticed my sisters exchanging glances and I avoided eye contact with them. Was it that obvious? Was it even true that I liked her?

Dad smiled warmly at me, nudging my shoulder. "We're happy for you, Zayn. You truly deserve it after everything you've been through already."

"Thanks, Daddy." I said quietly, smiling by myself as I wiggled my bare feet.

Waliyha threw Simba at me, but I could catch it before it would hit my chest. "But, back to the stuffed animal.. why?" She chuckled, her eyes squinting lightly as she did so.

"Why do you want to know? It's no big deal. She bought Nemo, I bought Simba." Shrugging as I lied, I pressed the stuffed lion to my stomach. What were they going to think if I told them I bought Nemo for her, and she bought me Simba? For sure, they would assume more.

"How cute." Doniya grinned, to which I rolled my eyes.

Turning my attention back to my mother, I frowned lightly. "What are you doing here, though? Like, in London? Why did you go with them?" Looking at my sisters, I pointed at my parents. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, just wondering.."

"It's your father's friend birthday. He lives here, remember? And since we haven't seen him in so long and you're here, we had an extra reason to go." Mum mentioned, throwing a random outfit she had just chosen for me onto my bed. I couldn't help but laugh lightly at that.

"Oh, Benjamin?" I questioned, earning a nod from the both of them. "Oh, that's nice! So I get to come along, right?"

Mum's eyes roamed over my face for a while, a sad expression appearing on hers. "No, Zayn. We have asked them, but we weren't allowed to take you out for the day."

"Why not?" My heart sank, a frown appearing on my face while I wrapped my little sister in a huge as she climbed upon my lap.

Waliyha let out a soft but sad sigh. "Because you went out yesterday.. they told us you were pretty worn out. According to them, you needed your rest today otherwise your further treatment could be hampered."

I felt frustrated with that comment. "I can decide that for my own! I mean, I was, but I slept for hours long so I'm okay now. I haven't seen Benjamin in years and I want to spend today with all of you. It's a rare occasion, so I need to take this opportunity."

"We want it too, Zayn, but we need to listen to them." Mum ran her fingers through her hair, staring outside the window.

I didn't feel like fighting back. I knew mum was right, perhaps deep down I knew the nurses were right as well, but that didn't take away that it felt unfair to me. I didn't want to be stuck in this hospital all the time- I wanted to spend time with my family.

"Fine." Sighing softly, I laid my head back down onto my pillow and played with Safaa's hair as she quietly crawled beside me, sensing my sadness.

Mum wiped something off my face once she had pulled me back up in a sitting position. "Chin up, sweetheart. I'm sleeping over tonight. Does that, at least, make it a little bit better?"

I gave her a warm smile, feeling happy at that. "Yeah, for sure."

"Alright, it's time for us to get going then- the sooner I'll be back to you." After my parents and sisters had kissed my cheek as a goodbye, I watched them leave, the feeling of disappointment coming over me. I had really wanted to join them but couldn't because of my sickness.

I just went back to sleep. What else could I do to kill time?

Caroline had awoken me later when she had to give me my tube feeding, also bringing the information that Rose had gotten sick as well and wouldn't be here for the rest of the week. It was another great disappointment, but I could only hope that she would be feeling well soon.

When my mum had come back, she had told me about their visit to Benjamin and I secretly imagined myself being there while she was telling me stories about him and the party. We had went to eat on the first floor, where the restaurant of the hospital was and when we had gotten back- we played games and I showered.

Caroline had shown my how to apply the ointment myself, so once I had done that after my shower, I put on my pajamas and lied down in bed as I was feeling tired already.

Mum had set up the second bed, that was there for guests, herself, which had made me feel extremely guilty- I had been too exhausted to help. She told me I didn't have to be, which relieved me. I watched her as she took some time for herself to read, then got ready for bed and fell asleep rather quickly, but thoughts kept me awake.

Rose was still on my mind, it wouldn't give me a rest for some reasons. I tried to think of something else once I realised my mind was drifting off to her, but every thought just led back. It confused and stressed me out. The way I could only think of her beautiful face, the soft touch of her fingers on my skin, even when she was doing something medical related. The way she looked after me, took care of me. When we held hands.

The thoughts became more and more and it drove me insane to the point where I woke my mother.

Instantly, she sat up, her eyes were big and worried, as if she thought something was wrong with me. "Are you okay, sweetheart?"

Feeling like crying for unknown reasons, I shrugged everything off. "I can't sleep." I managed to bring out without my voice cracking.

"Why not? What's keeping you up, Zayn?" Her hand engulfed mine, she kissed it softly- her gesture telling me that she was there for me.

I stayed quiet for a while and thought about it. "I.. was there something that kept you from liking dad? Did something hold you back?"

"Not that I know of.. why?" She asked, her voice almost in whispers as it was around three am and everyone else around here was asleep, except for the night shift nurse.

Sighing deeply, I swallowed thickly while staring up at the ceiling, my fingers fidgeting. "Mama, do you think death is something that can hold you back from liking someone?"

"Why would you say that, Zayn.." Her voice was melancholic, I knew why.

"What if.. if I start to like someone, and what if I die? Do I need to tell her that I like her before I will actually die? Or will it hurt her?" Sitting up, I reached for my mother's other hand, holding it lightly.

Mum sighed softly, and answered reluctantly. "What if you don't die and didn't tell her? Would you have regretted that?"

"Yeah, I would." I answered right away, not having to think about it for a second longer. Crawling out of bed, I went to lay beside my mother, comfortably resting my cheek against her arm. "But what if I die, mama?"

Mum touched my face, her fingers brushed over my cheeks slowly. Tears filled my eyes, but I wasn't quite sure why it happened. I knew I could be overly sensitive and emotional at some points- the medication and sleep deprivation the biggest cause of it. I was simply exhausted, frustrated because I couldn't sleep and sad.

"Zayn.." Mum pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Get some sleep." I could only try really hard to forget the thoughts that were confusing me deeply.