Zayn

"Good morning, Zayn." The nurse I didn't really know well had opened the curtains of my room, the rays of sunshine shining right into my face, waking me up.

Yawning into my pillow, I brought the palms of my hand to my eyes and slowly rubbed the sleep out of them. They'd usually let me sleep because of my new medication- so I didn't really understand why the nurse had woken me, but she probably had a proper reason. If not- I'd go right back to sleep since I still felt rather tired.

"Can you sit up for me?" The nurse instructed. Slowly sitting up as my body sometimes hurt in the morning, I glanced at her, confusion probably written on my face. The fact that she seemed sweet and not pushy at all, made me feel relieved. I wouldn't listen to people that were pushy towards me, as I simply couldn't handle it.

The, around, thirty five years old nurse gave me a warm smile, her eyes lingering on my face for a while. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, I did. Thank you." I nodded, smiling back slightly as I watched her pressing the pills out of my small, personal, medication bag.

"That's good. I'm sorry for waking you, but the doctor wanted to discuss the results from your scan today. I'll be with you today as it's not Caroline's work day, of course." It made sense, as I'd usually have a lot of different nurses when Caroline wasn't around.

I nodded slowly, "I understand."

She handed me a plate with a sandwich and I slowly started eating it while I watched her tidying up a bit of my room. "There will be coming another sort of machine in your room so do you mind if I make a space for it?"

"No, no. Go ahead." I stared at her as she pushed my wardrobe aside and I frowned a little, "What machine, though?" I took another bite of my sandwich, that tasted like nothing, honestly, but at least I had something to eat.

The nurse blew a strand of hair out of her face, "The doctor will explain you." She gave me a rather sad smile, which made me feel a bit nervous.

I nodded, deciding not to ask further because if the doctor was going to tell me- he would.

I finished eating my sandwich and drank the glass of water she had gotten me as well. Grabbing down the second glass of water, I started swallowing down all of my pills. I cringed a little when I accidentally got a taste of them and I couldn't help but shiver slightly as the taste wasn't exactly my most favourite flavour.

"Uhm, at what time does he want to meet me?" Glancing at her again, I couldn't help but play with my fingers, something I did when I felt nervous.

The nurse smiled, "Oh, just when you're ready. But he's leaving in two hours so he wanted to do it this morning."

Nodding, I threw the warm covers off me and stepped out of bed, walking over to the sink. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and changed my pajama into a proper outfit and sat down on my bed after that again. The nurse was done with making some space for the apparent machine that had to come into my room and she opened the door for me, motioning for me to follow her.

"Are you ready?" She asked softly, observing my expression.

I simply nodded and followed her out of the room, feeling how she placed her hand on my lower back and guided me towards the room Doctor Lane was in. Once she had pointed at the designated chair for me to sit on- I sat down on it and watched as she closed the door behind us.

"Good morning, Zayn." Doctor Lane took off his glasses and reached for my hand, the both of us shaking them.

"Good morning." I tried to read his face but his look didn't give one thing away, which disappointed me. So, I silently sat down next to the nurse and started playing with my fingers, hoping he'd just blurt everything out instead of keeping suspense.

I wasn't mentally prepared for this conversation as, honestly, it came out of nowhere. I knew I had to discuss the scans some day, but they didn't tell me when and now it was suddenly this morning- I couldn't help but become even more nervous.

The doctor sighed softly, "Okay, Zayn. Let's just grab the results of the scan and talk about it, that alright?"

"Yeah, totally." I stared at the computer as he started up some program, typed my name and birthdate and the results showed up, though, I couldn't read anything.

"Let's see.." He looked back at me and his face stood concerned, which made me feel worried. "Can you explain me what kind of stomach ache you had and on scale from one to ten how much it hurt?"

I bit my lip and nodded, thinking about it. I was lucky that they sometimes gave me painkillers but I couldn't have too many of them since I had to take a lot of pills and pills weren't exactly.. healthy. So sometimes I had to cope with my stomach ache without any painkillers.

"It's like.. like there's a lot of pressure. Sometimes a stinging pain and it feels like a heavy stone but it hurts a lot." I said quietly, hoping it made sense. Talking about it was quite hard for me and not because of my sickness, but because I didn't want people to worry about me. "I think a nine on the scale of one to ten."

The doctor nodded his head, his expression still concerned. "I see. Do you mind taking off your shirt?"

I shook my head, stood up and pulled my shirt over my head. And as the nurse took it from me- the doctor stood in front of me and started examining my stomach with his big, cold, hands.

He starting to put pressure around the area, accidentally pressing right onto the spot that hurt the most, causing tears to spring into my eyes. I quickly blinked them away and looked up at the ceiling, biting my cheek.

"It hurt, didn't it?" The doctor asked quietly and I couldn't help but nod. "Thought so." He sighed softly.

His cold fingers touched the spot again, this time more carefully, "It's also slightly swollen. I don't know if you can see that." His furrowed eyebrows went back to their normal position and he told me I could wear my shirt again. Once it was pulled over my head again, I sat back down on the chair.

"Alright Zayn. The scans were needed, considering the results.." He clicked on the photo's and pointed at a spot on my stomach. It was shown as a purple looking stain and I didn't really know what it meant, though probably no good.

He cleared his throat. "We were afraid it could be a tumor."

"A tumor?" I repeated, not wanting to believe it.

The doctor nodded. "Based on what you have been telling us about your stomach aches, more symptoms and the scan we can confirm that it is indeed a tumor." He looked at me, his expression sympathetic.

I let the words sink in for a while. The news felt like a hard slap in my face, even though it had some sort relief with it too, as I could finally understand the cause of the unbearable pain. Another thing my body had to fight against, another thing I had to try to overcome. I didn't exactly know what I was feeling, maybe I hadn't processed the news yet.

Part of me was angry, angry that I had to get this. Me, who already had cancer and now an extra tumor. I didn't need it, my body couldn't handle it, could it? The other part of me was telling me to stay positive. I had to accept it. Nothing was going to change it anyway. So I probably shouldn't dwell on it and just go on with everything.

"It's different, right?" I started, a bunch of questions suddenly popping up in my mind after a long moment of silence. "The tumor has nothing to do with my Leukemia, right?"

The doctor shook his head. "It actually has something to do with Leukemia, sadly. The tumor is accumulation of Leukemia cells. It is quite rare, though, not very common. That's why we had wanted for you to do a scan, just to make sure. I needed to be one hundred percent sure. And I am now."

I didn't reply, I could only stare down at my lap. My mind and stomach felt heavy. I had so many thoughts and feelings right now, but I couldn't even express one of them.

"That's why we decided to quit the immunotherapy and start chemotherapy instead. The chemotherapy will not only fight for the Leukemia, but also for the tumor. We might be able to remove the tumor in surgery but we're going to find that out for you." The doctor informed me.

That explained the new machine for my room. It was an infusion for chemotherapy.

"Do you have any questions?" The doctor wondered, his gaze kept on me for the whole time.

I shrugged. "I don't think so." I slowly played with my fingers as I stared at my neatly cut nails. "Wait.. I do have one. When will I start chemo?"

"We want to start as soon as possible, so we're going to start on Monday. In four days." The doctor answered calmly.

I nodded, "So I will lose my hair, right?"

"Yes. Sometimes chemotherapy doesn't let people lose their hair, but we have observed your medication and you will, sadly. It will take about two to three weeks when it will start falling out." The doctor closed the tabs and switched off his computer, turning his chair towards me again.

Silence took over us again, my tongue not able to say more words. Melancholic would perhaps be the best word to explain my feelings at the moment, even when I was usually very positive. The news was unexpected and not good, my feelings weren't too surprising towards other people, probably.

"Alright," I said after a while, shoving my chair away and standing up to shake his hand. "Thank you, Doctor."

"It's alright. You'll get through it, Zayn. You're a strong one." The doctor smiled at me, giving me hope.

I smiled back at him. "Thanks, doctor. See you soon, I guess." The nurse guided me out again and we walked towards my room in silence. It wasn't an awkward silence, though. I knew she was staying quiet to give me space to think about it all.

Back in my room, I sat down on my bed and grabbed my phone, needing the comfort of my mum. My family couldn't be here for every small thing as it was simply too far away, which made me sad in this case, but we had daily contact through the phone.

The nurse left my room and I went to lie down on my bed, my phone pressed to my ear as I waited for my mother to pick up as I absently stared at the ceiling, not processing much more than the beeping of my phine.

It didn't take long for her to pick up,

"Zayn! Darling, how are you doing today?" My mum sounded happy.

I bit my lip, knowing I was going to bring bad news. I hated to ruin my mother's happiness, but I had to be honest. "I'm fine.. mum, you know the scans I had recently?"

"Yes, sweetheart, why?"

I sighed softly and rubbed my face, "They know the cause of my heavy stomach aches."

My mum stayed quiet for a while then spoke quietly, "What is it, Zayn?"

"It's a tumor, mum. Piled up Leukemia cells, a tumor." I bit my lip again and stared out of the window. For now, I wished she was here. I just needed a hug from my mum.

It stayed quiet again but once I heard noises again it was the heartbreaking sound of my mum's crying.