Zayn

From what I had realised over the past few months, was that I had good days and bad days. Today was definitely a bad day for me. I wasn't feeling well at all and it affected my mood so badly that I was pushing everyone away, except for the nurses as I couldn't do that, although I wanted to. I didn't answer my family's calls or text, nor from my friends at home.

I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to eat, I didn't want anything. My head was pounding extremely bad, my stomach was hurting awfully much and the nausea and sweating wouldn't stop. The only thing I could do was sleep restless and wake myself up with my own soft groans as I was in pain and couldn't fall into a deep relaxed sleep as I wished for. It was really frustrating and it made me feel exhausted.

Opening my eyes, I saw a nurse coming inside, a plate full of food in her hands. I closed my eyes again and pretended to be asleep, not wanting to eat as I wasn't feeling hungry at all. I had managed to skip breakfast and lunch somehow, already, but I knew she was going to push me to eat this, only for good reasons, though. They couldn't let me get away with not eating for a day, especially not since I was sick.

"Zayn, I've got dinner for you. It's chicken and some vegetables. Your mother told us it's your favorite." She rolled the night stand closer to my bed and placed the plate on it along with a glass of water and some painkillers.

I needed the painkillers so badly, but I knew I couldn't take them before eating something. I'd throw up if I didn't eat something first, it was upsetting to a stomach.

"Zayn-"

"I'm not hungry." I said slowly, trying not to hurt my head or stomach even more.

She sighed but tried to hide it, which she failed miserably at. "You have to eat. Come on, sit up." She pulled the covers off me and I turned to my other side, my back turned to her.

"I said I'm not hungry. I can't get anything down my throat. I'll throw it up right after." I mumbled, feeling even more annoyed. If Rose or Caroline would have told me I would've at least tried, but what I said before, if people were going to push me into things- I just couldn't handle that.

She pulled out a chair and placed it next to my bed. She sat down on it and crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm not leaving before you ate at least ten spoonfuls."

I slowly sat up and looked at her in disbelief, "How old am I?"

"You tell me. You're acting like a little child. Come on, eat something." She grabbed the painkillers and stuffed them back into her pocket. "Otherwise you're not getting any of these."

I clenched my jaw and kept staring at her for a while. "You can't say that. Just because you're always working with kids and have to bring me dinner for once doesn't mean you can call me a kid because I can't eat."

Everything could piss me off right now because I was feeling awful and she was that one annoying, old, cranky lady that thought she could say everything to me. She was wrong.

"Are you even empathic? Do you even realise what I'm feeling like? Do you even realise what all the patients are feeling like? I can't eat because I've been nauseous since the minute I woke up. Even the smell of that can make me vomit." I pointed at the food and looked back at her.

Her eyebrow was raised and she didn't seem to be impressed by my words. I was only telling the truth. She kept looking at me like I was some weird creature she hadn't seen before.

After something that looked like a staring match, I gave up. I was too tired and feeling too badly to try any longer. "You know what, fine. Give it to me but please leave. I want to eat alone."

I snatched the plate from the nightstand, causing a few vegetables to fall off the plate but I couldn't care less. Placing it on my lap, I reached for the fork and aggressively stabbed it into the vegetables.

She stood up, placed the painkillers- not so gently- on the nightstand again and shook her head. "You're such a difficult patient."

I clenched my jaw again and tried to hold back the words that popped into my mind. "And you're such a difficult monster." I said to myself once she left my room and closed the door.I never understood why they ever employed her here. She wasn't friendly at all, not towards me at least.

The saddest part was that she didn't understand how I was feeling. No one understands what I was feeling and that was so, so frustrating. They would never understand the nausea I was experiencing, or the unbearable pain that never left my body to rest. They didn't know in how much pain I was, just because I was always hiding it.

I didn't want people to pity me and I wanted to be strong in front of them. There had been tons of moments where I wanted to cry but I'd always hold it back, just because I didn't want to seem like the person who couldn't handle anything, or who just wanted attention. That wasn't the case, obviously.

And now, I didn't want to be stubborn. It wasn't like I was stubborn. I simply couldn't get anything down. Was it that hard to understand?

I felt myself getting more frustrated and sad each second. On moments like these I just wanted to cry and shout it out. No one was ever going to feel like what I was feeling. They were never going to understand. Never.

I was alone.

It was like I was trapped in my own body without being able to talk or express what I was feeling. Trying to scream but the words wouldn't come out. I was so alone. In my own bubble of pain. People trying to get in to make me feel better but they always failed. They would only pop the bubble of comfort instead of stepping inside.

I brought the fork with vegetables to my mouth and slowly chew on the already cold food. It took me five minutes to get one down and I couldn't help but gag rather hard. So hard, that it ended up in throwing up on the floor.

I told you.

Is all that I could think. The chemotherapy was messing me up. I didn't think it would effect me that soon, but I had had over five sessions already. The sixth one would be this afternoon and tomorrow would be the last. Of course it had affected me already.

I pushed the button for help and prayed that another nurse would come instead of the one I had who had given me the food.

My prayer was heard and the nurse who went with me to the doctor stepped into my room, smiling at me as she closed the door behind her. "Are you okay, Zayn?"

"I threw up." I pointed at the floor and she nodded, grabbing stuff to clean it up and filling the bucket with warm water. It made me feel guilty, not wanting to bother them with more work, but what else could I do?

"Are you still nauseous after throwing up?" She looked at me and I hesitated, before nodding slowly.

Rubbing my eyes, I felt how tired I suddenly became. "I've been nauseous for the whole week. It was so bad today that I couldn't eat." I admitted sheepishly, watching her as she mopped the floor, the strong scent of cleaning agent filling the room.

"I can imagine that. You tried, that's a good thing." She finished cleaning everything up and cleaned the bucket up after that, rinsing it. She dried the place on the floor after that, stuffing the used material back on its designated places.

She sat down on the chair the other nurse had left next to my bed and grabbed the plate, holding her hand just above the food. "It's cold! No wonder you threw up if you were already feeling nauseous. Who gave you this?"

I shrugged. "That old woman I can't stand."

Her face softened. "I know who you're talking about. I don't understand.. I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to talk about my colleagues like that but.. just because she's the nurse for the kids doesn't mean she can treat the older patients like this." She shook her head and a small smile grew on my face.

"She said I was acting like a kid because I didn't want to eat." Now I hated talking bad about other people too, but I felt like I could empty my heart because at least she understood a thing about the nurse.

"You couldn't eat. It's not that hard to understand." Her eyes roamed over my face as she was observing me. "She did the same thing with Nathan. He's your friend right?"

I nodded, smiling at the thought of him.

She stood up and pressed her hand to my forehead, which felt extremely cold. She mumbled something to herself and lowered the covers. "Again, no wonder. I think you're getting a fever. You're shivering but you're sweating like crazy."

"Really?" I watched her as she grabbed a thermometer and gently pressed it into my ear, lightly pulling at the lobe. I waited for the sound after she pressed on the small button and she took it away after seconds, scanning the small screen.

She nodded, "You're already over the normal temperature." She sighed softly. "I'm going to talk to our boss about her behavior first, because it's unacceptable. I've heard more things from Nathan as well so it's not only from one patient's experience. And secondly I'm going to grab a cold cloth for your face."

"Okay." Just then I noticed I was shivering and sweating at the same time. My whole body was slightly shaking but the pain was still the same, even growing heavier once I moved my body. "Can I take the painkillers? Please."

She thoughtfully bit her lip and grabbed the plate. "Sounds gross, but I'm going to make this into a drink. Is that okay? After that, you can have the painkillers."

"Yeah." I smiled a little, making me realise how important someone's behaviour was to me. I wasn't feeling that moody anymore, all because of this sweet nurse.

Though, I knew that if it was Rose- I would've even forgotten about the pain.