For my Rose.

Rose, before you start reading this book, I need to explain a few things.

Do you remember my secret flower project? The times where I would carefully shove down a flower into my pockets and you'd ask me why I would do that? Where I would tell you that curiosity didn't flatter you? (It did, trust me, I loved and love everything about you) Well.. this is it. I hope you'll like the meaning of it.

Rose, when my feelings started to grow for you, I had always wanted to take you out on a date. I'd take you to whatever you would've liked, we'd talk.. laugh.. have fun, just be with each other, we'd cuddle, we'd kiss.. but I couldn't. I was stuck in a hospital, feeling sick or being in pain every other day. There wasn't a chance that it would happen.

I got hope when I could spend the holidays at my house with you. It was my chance, so I thought. I would be free and I could take you to all the nice places from my childhood, the secret places I never shared with anyone and kept for that one specific person that'd come into my life. You. But I became sick again, weak, exhausted, I couldn't do it.

If I could have done it, I would've bought you flowers. I know you'd like it. You told me you liked flowers after all, except for roses.

Knowing that I could never take you out on a date and meaning I couldn't buy you flowers, I made a book full of dried up flowers which all have a meaning or a memory behind it.

It's my bouquet for you. It's different, it's special, but so was our relationship. It fits us. We weren't the clichés, so isn't this bouquet.

It's my own book made for you, with all the love I have.

'For Rose, without roses.'

Love, Zayn.

Flower 1

Well, this might be my favorite. Do you remember the very first time when I took you to the eighth floor after I helped you with your homework? The room, my escape.. I plucked this flower that night. We had lied down on the bed, stared up at the skylight and just talked about random stuff, trying to get to know each other.

It was the first time we had a proper talk for hours long and I already knew at that time that I wanted to get to know you even better, although I'd never admit that around that time. You were amusing, Rose. You were funny and adorable, something I already loved about you.

Well, that's why this is the first flower of the bouquet, because it's the first one I plucked on the first night I took you up there, on the balcony when we were staring at London, how the whole city was lit up in the darkness. Where this whole idea started. Can we go back to that time?

Flower 2

This is not a rose, I promise, haha! (I thought it looked like one.. maybe you didn't.. if not, don't mind me)

Anyway, I remember this one very clearly. I had been sick because of the chemo and it had been a while since I got outside. I went outside and sat down on the grass, probably absently plucking grass blades as that's something I always did, while watching basketball. You sat down beside me and as we started a small talk, you were eating your lunch. I know I must've looked like a creep, but man did I love staring at you while you were eating. You were just so beautiful, how could I not?

After you finished your lunch, I hinted to go to the hospital garden and I was so happy when you took that hint and followed me to there. We sat down on the wooden bench and I plucked this flower. You asked me why I did this, I told you curiosity didn't flatter you.

Rose, I loved the bond we have. We could say everything to each other, sarcastic or not, you'd always take it the right way.

I remember around that time, how I already wished that I could put you on my lap instead of the hard wooden bench. I imagined how I would tuck the loose strand of hair behind your ear and kiss you softly. Can you imagine how fast my feelings were growing for you already?

Flower 3

The zoo, the zoo.. do you remember it, Nemo?I'm sure you do. What an adventure. What a memory. I'm smiling while writing this. Do you remember when we got into the monkey area? Where that guy took off my beanie and you stood up for me? I can never thank you enough for that. It made me realize how much you cared about me and not only in a 'nurse' way. It made me feel some type of way, so special, so.. happy.

When we continued to walk, we saw a couple in front of us holding hands. It made me want to hold yours so, so bad, Rose. You had no idea. I was craving for the touch of your hand, craving to hold it just to let you know that my feelings were growing and growing deeper each day. So that's when I did it. I think it was one of the most risky things to do, but I do not regret it one bit.

Then you thought you forgot to feed me and maybe you did, but just know that I had never felt it. I was so full of you, that I didn't feel hungry. Cliché, but so true, Rosie.

I plucked the flower after we bought Simba and Nemo. Then we went to eat at your house, where I slept in your comfortable bed and met your parents and brothers for the first time. It was such an amazing day, which I'll never forget. Maybe I should've considered this as a date, aha.

Flower 4

It had been a while since I had plucked flowers after the zoo. I became so sick from the chemo's, had several fevers, pains, nausea.. then the radiation, it all caused me to stay in bed for days.

You took care of me most of the time, you cleaned my wound, you gave me something to drink, you were there even when I started hallucinating.. you were always there for me. I was and am still so thankful for that, really.

I remember that Daphne came to visit me. She saw you and asked me if we had already kissed. I had exclaimed that we'd never do that, thinking that you didn't want it because of the same old nurse- patient story. Little did I know, huh? Haha. She told me differently, just like Nathan. How could they see before me?

I remember a few days after, I was so frustrated that I started to cry. I thought you didn't like me. I could only kick the bed and scream into my pillow while Caroline tried to calm me down. Those emotions were all for nothing. If I had just told you my feelings, Rose...

I don't exactly remember when I plucked this flower, but it was around that time so it still has a meaning to me and hopefully, to you. x

Flower 5

Rose, Rose, Rose. Did you ever notice how much I loved saying your name? It was just so beautiful, like you. It suited you so much. Even when you weren't around, I had to say your name sometimes. It made me smile.

This one has a really beautiful meaning. I don't remember how many times we went up to the eighth floor, but this was one of the last times we went. That night, something special happened. Do you remember how we were talking about ourselves, like we always did to get to know each other? How we ended up talking about our eyes and that our faces were brought closer together because of the subject?

I'll never forget that night. My heart was pounding, my hands were clammy, and I had probably stuttered if I would've talked more. I remember staring into your eyes. I had always loved your deep and dark brown eyes. They were mysterious, they were beautiful.

Though, I couldn't fully focus on them. I caught myself quite a few times as my eyes trailed down your lips. They looked so soft, so kissable. And I knew it was my chance. That night, was my chance. And I took it.

We kissed, for the very first time. It was amazing, so wonderful, so precious. I might sound like a girl right now, but it meant so much to me. Just the confirmation of your feelings and my feelings together. My hands in your soft hair, your soft hands on my back. I knew we could start something, but I was too scared to speak up.

I fell asleep, and you covered me with my fuzzy blanket. I only found that out when Caroline woke me the next morning. I wish I would've told you my feelings that time, we could've had more months together, but I cannot take back the time and maybe it was just meant to be like this.

It doesn't matter. This flower is one of those with the most beautiful meanings to me.

Flower 6

Flower six and it's the last flower.

I wish I would've plucked more, but you know what I was like after my very last chemo. I became weak, and I stayed weak ever since, didn't I? It's my birthday in two days. I wonder how it will go. I'm feeling.. okay, right now.

Anyway, that's not the case. The story behind this flower is the fact that we just got into the last stage of my life. I plucked this flower when we went out to 'shop'. I was in a mood, as you probably remember. I almost ended up crying and you were there to comfort me, like always.

I didn't know if I wanted to add this flower, because it was plucked in the last stage of my life and on the day that I was extremely moody, but at the same time I feel like it's part of it all. I had my moods, I had bad days, I was in my last stage of life, but you were there.

You were there.

Again. As always. I could count on you, always, every single day from the moment I had met you. And again, how can I show you how thankful I am for that? You made everything so, so much better, Rose. So much, I cannot tell you enough.

I knew that when I met you, I would never, ever find somebody like you again in my whole entire life.

Rose, thank you for everything. Thank you for being you. Thank you for making my life so wonderful.

I hope you like my 'bouquet', know that I would've bought you more and flowers that were alive for our real date, haha!

I love you, my Rose.

This was it.

For Rose, without roses.

The end