Zayn

After a few very emotional and weird days, I finally felt at peace. I finally felt like it was okay. I had accepted most of the things and I could now enjoy and appreciate all the little things that people did for me, even when it was so hard to let them help me at first.

I hated that I didn't have enough energy anymore to do things, to walk, not even to my bathroom but now that I had accepted it, I was more than happy that they gave me the possibility to use a toilet- chair, to give me food through a tube and to help me wash my body in the bath.

I had been scared to fall asleep at night, not exactly knowing the reason why. I guess death still scared me somehow. I was scared to go to sleep and never wake up again. When Rose made me fall asleep and she told me that she was there and that I was safe.. I did feel safe. And I didn't need another person to help me fall asleep anymore.

Like I said, I felt at peace. Even when I was about to fall asleep. What if I didn't wake up? It would be okay. I would wake up in a better place, where I was sure I was going to meet everyone I loved so much up there again. I didn't have to miss them.

It was okay. I was ready.

Fear wouldn't take over the last stage of my life. In fact, I had pushed it very far away from me.

My parents and siblings visited me almost every day and Rose worked almost every day or night so she could take care of me and be with me. It was the best thing I could ever ask for. It was my only wish, my family, Caroline and my girl Rose to be with me the moment I would leave the earth.

There was another thing I really wanted to do and I was sure it was going to happen tonight, at Rose's night shift. I couldn't wait for her to be here and I couldn't wait to go up 'there' with her.

I had worked on my small flower project for as much as possible and I was happy to say that I had finally finished it, along with some other stuff I needed to get done.

Finally, after hours of lying down in my bed and sleeping, Rose walked into my room for the usual night check up.

I smiled at the beautiful view of my Rose and I slowly sat up. "Finally." I chuckled slowly.

Rose seemed surprised. I hadn't laughed or chuckled in days because of the way I felt. She probably needed to get used to the fact that I was very calm, happy and okay at the moment. In my mind, at least. I was still in a lot of pain, but it didn't stop me from smiling. The negative me was gone, the positive me was completely back.

"Zayn, babe." She said, quietly closing the door behind me. She walked over to my bed and sat down.

We both leaned in and softly kissed each other's lips. It still made me feel like our first kiss and I could tell she felt the same, according to the blushes on her cheeks.

"Rose, there's something I want to do before I.. before I die." I said, trying to not make it sound really blunt. I didn't want to hurt her.

Rose kept staring at me, "What is it?"

"I want to go to the forbidden place one last time. With you. Like we used to do when things were different." I smiled at her and she immediately understood what I meant.

She hesitated, though. "Aren't you tired?"

"Rose, I want to do it. Please?" I placed my hand on her cheek and it didn't take her long to nod.

"But you have to sit in the wheelchair." She stood up and rolled it over to my bed. Even to that I could still smile. It was my last small wish and I'd do anything to make it come true.

Rose helped me getting up from my bed and placed me in the wheelchair, pulling a beanie over my head after that. I had gotten off the infusion as I got my medication through the tube now, so I luckily wasn't stuck to it.

"Alright, let's go." Rose smiled and she started rolling me towards the elevator as I was too weak to walk. We got inside and she looked at me. "Press on the button, then." She smiled cheekily and it made me happy. She enjoyed this as much as I did, both forgetting about the actual situation.

I pressed on the button with number 8 on it and we went up in silence. Only exchanging glances through the mirror, smiling at each other as one of us would make a silly face for no reason, but it was what I loved about the moment. We didn't have to be serious or depressed all the time.

As we got out, Rose ran behind my wheelchair and we raced into the dark hallways I hadn't seen in ages. I cheered and pushed the door open once we arrived at the room we first started to get to know each other a little better because of the conversations. That, a few times, the laughs we had, the jokes, the serious conversations, the breakdown when Nathan died, the confessions and eventually the kiss. Now I was sure it was my final goodbye to the room full of memories.

Rose closed the door and rolled me over to the bed, carefully helping me to lie down. She stood on the bed and I watched her as she opened up the skylight. The sky was brighter than ever, the stars and moon shining brightly above us.

Rose lied down beside me and we just lied there in silence, enjoying each other's presence and the beautiful view as I grabbed her hand and held it. We stared up at it and I eventually saw how Rose turned her face to me.

"How comes that you're so calm?" She asked, her eyes looking slightly glossy and I knew she was thinking about the memories here too.

I stared at her face for a few minutes and I felt the pain started to sting into my heart as I knew my beautiful girl was one of the loved ones I was going to leave behind, but then the stronger thought would always come back before I started to burst out into tears. The thought of meeting her in Heaven someday. I knew it would come, we just had to have patience and trust.

"Because it's good, Rose. It's good." I smiled.

Rose bit her lip and she stared up at the sky for a while, until she turned back to me, "Aren't you scared to die?"

"What would I be afraid of Rose? I used to be, but I'll go to a much better place than here on earth. I'll be with God, with Tyler and Nathan, my grandparents. I won't have pain anymore." I replied softly, pressing a kiss to her hand.

"Yeah, it will be better." Rose nodded and looked up again.

I noticed that more tears formed into her eyes and she eventually couldn't hold some of them back. I stroked her cheek and brushed them away with my thumbs, "Hey, look at me."

Rose did what I asked her to, but it made her cry even more. "I know you'll be in a really good place and that's one of the things I wish for you, but what about me? What's going to happen, Zayn? I can't live without you."

I kissed her lips softly and moved on to her cheeks, to slowly kiss away her tears. "Who says I'm not going to be there?"

Rose slowly nodded while she cuddled up against me, her legs and arms resting on my body. "You'll be there."

"I will be." I assured her. I comforted her for a while until she spoke up again, no new tears falling from her face.

"What would you like for your funeral? Do you want someone to say something? A specific song we need to sing or listen to? Specific food? Clothes?" Rose asked.

I thought about it for a while and looked at her, "If people feel the need to say something, then they should do that. I'm not forcing anyone to do something. I want people to attend the funeral as themselves. They don't have to wear all black and stuff, just something they'd like. I don't want it to be all depressing and stuff." I smiled slightly and stared into her deep brown eyes.

"Eat some good food afterwards. It doesn't have to be a weak meal that consists out of soup and bread rolls. Eat fish and chips if you'd like, or pizza or I don't know.. just something you like." I chuckled softly, making Rose smile and that made me so, so happy. All I wanted to see was her smile.

"You're something else, Zayn." She mumbled.

I smiled, "Didn't you already know that the moment you walked into my room?"

"Maybe," She smiled cheekily and I couldn't help but poke her nose. It was too cute to resist. "What do you want to wear?"

I bit my lip and slowly shrugged. I had to be honest that I hadn't really thought about my funeral yet. "Rose, it's something I want to ask you."

"What?" Rose frowned slightly as she looked up at me.

"You can pick out my outfit. I want you to choose something that you'd like. I don't mind what you pick. It's completely your choice, just make sure it's still a little decent, okay?" I teased, making her smile once again.

"Okay.." Rose looked down at our hands as she played with my fingers and I noticed new tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Hey, it's okay." I frowned, feeling sad that she was feeling like this, but I could understand all of it.

Rose's lip trembled as she tried to speak up again, "I'm sorry." She closed her eyes but the tears still rolled down her cheeks uncontrollably. Her body was shaking and a few sobs left her mouth, successfully breaking my heart at the sound of it.

I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight to my body, wanting to feel her warmth, her presence, but more importantly to comfort my girl.

"You don't have to say sorry. It's more than okay." I whispered, allowing her to cry. I had seen a lot of emotions the past few days and I hated that it was because of me, though I couldn't blame anyone.

That's why I held Rose tight and let her cry for as long as she needed to, not telling her to stop because she was allowed to express her emotions. I was crying too, but on the inside so no one saw it. I was sad too, I didn't want to leave her behind. I didn't want to leave my parents behind, my siblings, my family, my friends.. nobody, but especially not her.

She trusted me to give me her heart, and I did the same. Now death was going to rip us away from each other, leaving our hearts broken. Except, mine wouldn't be alive anymore.

I closed my eyes, sniffed her nice shampoo scent and kept cuddling her while I kissed her and whispered things into her ear.

"I'm here."

-----------------------

This chapter made me sad :(

I'm already writing the next following chapters and I feel like I'm so close to ending it 😱