Zayn

I hated the fact that I could stay more positive about a deadly sickness than a girl. I tried it so hard, but I failed. I think I forgot what it felt like if you liked someone, but that person didn't like you back.

I somehow wished that she'd still have come to my room and make me feel a bit warmer, but what could I expect? I told her I didn't need her help. I felt like I was acting like a jerk towards her just because I couldn't get over my feelings. It wasn't fair, but I was still hurt, even though she explained why she did it. I felt rejected and I was almost a hundred percent sure that she didn't like me back.

I was currently in bed, I had just woken up and Caroline tried to drag me out of it but it didn't work. I wanted to be alone and sleep. "Come on, Zayn. You told us you wanted to join the joint breakfast."

"I'm not hungry." I mumbled, closing my eyes and pulling duvets over my face.

Caroline sighed softly and pulled them down again. "Do you want your tube feeding again? They told me that I could remove it because they trusted you were going to eat on your own. Better not break it, because I know you hate it sweetheart."

I furrowed my eyebrows at her and turned on my other side, closing my eyes.

"Fine. It's your choice. Breakfast here?" She asked. I didn't reply. I didn't feel like it. I wished Rose was here but at the same time I didn't. It hurt seeing her because I liked her a lot and I didn't think she liked me back.

Caroline left me alone but came back moments later with a glass of water and plate with two sandwiches on it. She placed it on my nightstand and crouched down in front of me so she was facing me very closely.

"What's up? And don't say nothing, because I know you too well, Zayn." She said.

I stared into her dark eyes and they reminded me of Rose's ones, which were even more beautiful.

I sighed deeply and lied down on my back, staring up at the ceiling. "How could I be so stupid, Caroline? How could I be so blind?"

Caroline sat down on my bed and stared at me. "What do you mean?"

"Why would I ever think that someone was going to like me? I'm so naive. Of course they weren't going to like me." I mumbled, rubbing my eyes tiredly as I had barely closed one eye the past few nights.

She didn't reply, so I decided to continue to talk. "I thought she liked me back, but it was all proved wrong. She literally rejected me. I forgot how much that hurt."

I bit my bottom lip as I felt hurt and sad, but I wasn't going to express it into crying. "It's obvious. Why would you take the risk if you know the guy will most likely die? Why would somebody hurt herself like that?"

"I'm so stupid. It's so obvious. I should've never attached myself to her, because now I'm only hurting myself." I turned my back to Caroline and stared at my duvets.

"But it's my own fault because I still had hope and I thought maybe she did like me and she could make everything so much better, even if she already did that for me." I kept rambling on and Caroline was listening to me.

"Zayn.. what's wrong?" Caroline asked as she placed her hand on my -still covered by the duvets- shoulder.

I threw my hands in the air and kicked the duvets off me, "She doesn't like me! Of course she doesn't. I could've known, but no, Caroline, I'm so stubborn I kept believing I had a chance but of course I didn't have one. Nobody wants a half dead guy."

Tears started to fill my eyes and they made me even more frustrated as I didn't want to be the emotional guy right now. I just wanted to cope with it in a more mature way, but I knew I was already failing. More frustration grew into me.

"Whoever said that she doesn't like you?" Caroline was still as calm as ever but I felt like kicking the bed even more so I did.

I kicked the mattress and smacked it with my hands, hoping my frustrations would get out through this way. "Because she doesn't! Okay, she doesn't. She didn't want to hug me. She literally rejected me, Caroline."

Caroline held my wrist strongly, "Zayn, calm down. We can't talk normally if you keep kicking and smacking the bed, okay?"

I groaned and I buried my face in my pillow as I felt a tear slip out of my eyes. I was sad, emotional and so sleep deprived that anything could make me cry right now. Sometimes I wondered if I was actually a girl, but then my mum would just tell me I had always been a really sensitive boy.

"Just because she didn't want to hug doesn't mean she doesn't like you back. She may have her reasons for not doing it." Caroline said softly.

"But she did it before! Without any problems then why didn't she want it again? I'm playing with my own emotions, Caroline. It hurts." I sat up and pulled my knees up, resting my chin on them and tugging at my socks with my hands.

Caroline rubbed my back, "You talked to her the day after. What did she say?"

"That she didn't mean it but did it because her teacher was around." I mumbled.

"So? It meant she would've done it if the teacher wasn't around." She made it sound so easy, but tell these things to your mind after you felt the feeling of rejection. It was horrible and nothing could make you believe it again.

"I already gave up the hope. It doesn't make sense anyway. You wouldn't allow us to have something." I covered my face and stared at my pajama pants.

Caroline removed my arms and stared at me, "Who said that? It was already obvious to me the moment you two met yet I always let her to go to your room, Zayn."

I looked up at her. I had never thought about it like that but I knew she was right. She did that, for me.

"Now, let me tell you something." Caroline sat down on my bed and wiped something off my cheek. "I'm not saying that I'm a hundred percent sure that she likes you, but her eyes light up the moment I tell her she gets to start her day with you. She always talks enthusiastically about you and you're always the first patient she asks about after the weekend."

I sighed sadly, "Don't give me false hope."

Caroline stroked my irritated cheek, then grabbed the cream and started applying it. "I'm not giving you false hope, Zayn. Listen to me. Sometimes girls just need a little more time to figure their feelings out. Our minds can be a wild ocean sometimes, it's hard to calm it. She needs time, just like you did. Give her some time."

"I don't see the point of giving each other time if we didn't even admit it to each other." I said confusingly.

"Okay, Zayn. Clear all of your thoughts, let's have a fresh start. You like Rose a lot, you felt rejected because of what happened but she didn't mean it like that so forget about that, love. It won't help you. Just forget that happened." She said sweetly.

"Next step is to try and ignore the thoughts you have. The ones where you keep switching between 'she doesn't like me' and 'she does'. Let it come at you the way things go. Have fun with her, have conversations, play games.. you'll find it out eventually."

"Give your mind some rest, alright?" She suggested. I knew she was right, so maybe I just had to try it.

"Okay." I mumbled quietly.

I sat up, grabbed the plate and took a bite of my sandwich. I slowly chew on it and watched how Caroline grabbed the right medication for me.

Eventually, when I finished my sandwiches I took all of my pills and not much later somebody knocked on the door.

A smile grew on my face, "Mum!" The first thing I noticed was that my other family members weren't there, but at least my mother was.

They hadn't visited me last weekend as something came in between so I had missed her extra much.

"Good morning, darling." She smiled brightly and greeted Caroline after that. Caroline left the both of us alone and mum came to sit down on my bed.

I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her cheek softly. "I missed you, mummy."

"I missed you too." She planted a kiss on my forehead and hugged me back for a while. I could feel her love and warmth and that was all I needed this morning.

"Where's dad and my sisters?" I asked her, frowning a little as I didn't understand why they wouldn't be here.

Mum sighed softly, "Dad and Safaa caught the flu. He firstly didn't want me to go on my own to here but I couldn't skip another weekend.. I wouldn't see you for three weeks. So I decided to go on my own while dad and Safaa are at home being sick. Waliyha and Doniya are studying."

"Oh." I yawned. "Okay, I understand. I hope they feel better soon."

"Me too, Zayn. But how are you doing?" Mum asked while she grabbed me an outfit to wear. I had taken a shower yesterday before I went to sleep so I didn't think I needed another one now.

I took off my pajamas and put on my clothes, trying really hard to ignore the stinging thoughts of Rose. "I'm fine. I don't feel sick and my tube is gone."

"I saw!" She exclaimed. "Oh, I'm so happy for you, sweetheart. That's amazing." She pulled my beanie over my head and I adjusted it, seeing that she made it match with my outfit.

"I was thinking that maybe we can buy some new sweaters or hoodies. It's going to be cold and you only have old ones. How does that sound?" She asked.

I bit my lip and looked at her, "Mum, did you go shopping with the girls?"

"Why?" Mum frowned slightly.

"Well if you didn't I'd rather you spend this money on them. I appreciate it a lot, mum.. but I feel guilty. I don't want to take their money away, I've done that too many times already." I sighed deeply and bit the inside of my cheek as I sat back down on my bed.

Mum smiled at me, "Hey, don't say that it's your fault. You didn't choose to get sick, so you didn't choose for expensive treatments. But don't worry about it, I went shopping with them. I saved the same amount of money for each of my children. So come on, we're going." She kissed my cheek and pulled me up.

That day we had spent at the shops. My mum bought me some sweaters and hoodies, as she said, and I couldn't be more thankful. The things my mother did for me were amazing and I always appreciated it a lot.

Though, when I lied down in bed I didn't fully feel satisfied. I knew Rose was going to work a night shift today and I wanted to spend my time with her, even when I still felt a little hurt.

I decided not to spend the whole night with her, but when I woke up around two am, and my mother was still asleep I quietly left my room and walked over to the living room where she was sitting, doing her schoolwork like usual.

"Hey." I said quietly while I fumbled with the hem of my shirt.

Rose looked up. Her expression was surprised yet happy. "Hey Zayn. What's up?"

"Oh just sleeping and my mum too." I again said quietly while looking down. I just needed a hug, that's why I was here. I didn't know if she understood it, or if she dared to do it so I knew I had to take the first step.

I just hoped she wouldn't reject me again, because if she did, it was clear she didn't like me.

Rose stood up and walked over to me. "I'm jealous. I wish I could sleep." She said, her voice as sweet and smooth as always.

I looked down at her as she was slightly shorter than me and I saw her beautiful smile. "Uhm.. I-I want a hug." I stuttered. I wanted to slap myself at being so stupid because firstly, it wasn't attractive to say it, and secondly, I stuttered. That was lame.

Rose smiled at me and wrapped her arms around my waist, throwing me slightly off guard but making my body and mind feeling insane and warm.

I didn't think she'd do it and it made my thoughts go wild, even though Caroline had told me to let them go. I was even more confused now, but at this moment- I couldn't be happier.

------------------------

I'm back home❤️

I hope you liked this chapter.

Yall better prepare yourself because something might happen soon 👀

Vote and comment xx