Rose

I sighed deeply while I turned around in bed for the thousandth time this night. I just couldn't fall asleep. Thoughts were keeping me up and it drove me crazy. I just wanted to sleep, it made me feel frustrated.

It was all because of Zayn. I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened the other day. I knew he was hallucinating because of his fever, so he probably saw things but why did it hurt me so much that I was literally about to cry?

When he had fallen asleep on my lap I sat down like that for ages, just staring at his face and stroking his cheek multiple times.

It made me so extremely sad that he kept saying he was going to die. Maybe I felt fear with that too, that he was speaking the truth, that he really was about to die. I didn't know. I was just so confused and sad that I couldn't sleep because of it.

Especially now, since I was home and I couldn't know how he was doing. I mean, I was almost a hundred percent sure that he was in a deep peaceful sleep right now, but what if he was going to die?

I sighed deeply and sat up in my bed. I couldn't think like that. It wouldn't do me good.

I decided to get out of bed and drink some water as I felt thirsty and I couldn't sleep anyway. I threw a sweater over my head and wore my warm grey slippers, slowly making my way downstairs.

I noticed my brothers sitting on the couch while playing a video game. I rolled my eyes and entered the living room, making my way over to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water.

"Asshole! It's your fault!" Lucas hissed, groaning loudly while Thomas started laughing at him.

"You're just bad at it, asshole." He mocked his brother's voice and when I walked over to them they both looked at me with their eyebrows raised.

I plopped down on the couch in between them and drank my glass of water while staring at the tv screen in front of us.

Thomas poked my shoulder, "Hey dipshit. Why are you awake? It's 1 am."

I glared at him, "Why are you awake? It's 1 am." I sipped my water and raised my eyebrow when he didn't reply.

"Too caught up in the game." He chuckled, fist- bumping my brother in front of me. I slapped their hands away and pressed on play.

Lucas looked at me in annoyance, "Rose! Idiot, we still needed to choose our cars." He sighed exaggeratedly loud and pressed on pause.

Thomas stared at me for a while but decided to go back to playing the game. They both chose their new cars to race with and the started the game again.

I got extremely annoyed by their loud shouting and yelling at each other, "Guys shut up!" I hissed after a while, "Mum and dad are asleep."

They both ignored me as hard as they could. "I hate you!" Thomas said to Lucas as he bumped him off the road and all of the police cars gathered around him.

"I hate you too." Lucas grinned, racing off and leaving Thomas behind.

"I hate you more." Thomas mumbled, waiting until his car was completely recovered and he could start racing again.

Lucas flipped him off, "I hate you the most."

I rolled my eyes, "And you guys are twenty five years old?" I placed my glass on the table in front of me and sighed deeply.

"And I hate you too." Thomas said.

"Babies." I murmured under my breath, letting them know that I thought they were acting extremely childish for their age, but hey, that was just me. I had always been the more mature one here at home because I was the girl.

I started playing with my fingers and before I knew it all of their shouting, scolding and video game noises went far away as thoughts started to take over me again.

I wished I could take all of my thoughts back. I wished I could take all of my feelings back, the feelings of liking him. It would all be so less difficult for me. How could I not become sad when seeing Zayn in the condition he was in right now? I hated to see him in pain, I hated to see him being so sick.

Because I liked him. I don't like seeing anyone in pain and sick, but because it was a guy I appreciated and had grown feelings for, it hurt me.

I wanted to be with him, but I couldn't be. I wasn't even sure if he liked me back, and if he did.. then what? Dating wouldn't be an option. He was stuck in a hospital and could pass away.

It was a stupid thought, honestly. I could step into my car and get involved in a car accident and die as well, but this.. it was still different for some reasons.

I knew he could die, I knew I could hurt myself a lot if I would admit my feelings to him. It can hurt him too, knowing there's a chance he'd leave me behind if he liked me too.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My mind was constantly fighting with my feelings and it was driving me insane. I was exhausted because of it and I wished my mind would stay calm for once and think everything through, but I just couldn't. My feelings and thoughts were messed up, all because of him.

Never did I ever think that I would fall so fast for a guy. Who could've imagined?

I bit the inside of my cheek. I was feeling really down because all of the things that happened to him, with me, and because of all the thoughts I had right now. So down, that I was actually on the verge of crying just because I bottled my feelings up the past few weeks.

"Hey.. you alright?" Thomas asked, his voice concerned and finally serious.

But just because Thomas had always been the most caring brother, and when people ask me if I'm alright I couldn't hold back anymore and let the tears slip from my eyes like a rainfall. I had kept it to myself for too long, it became too much, especially since I was also sleep- deprived.

No sleep, sick Zayn, messed up feelings and keeping it all to yourself.. it was never a good thing. It would come out all at once, which was now.

Thomas placed his arm over my shoulders and he frowned worriedly while Lucas paused the game, "Why are you crying, Rose?"

I shrugged and shook my head while I covered my face with my hands. My body was shaking because of my sobs and I had to calm down before I could speak up.

"What happened? Seriously Rose, tell me. Did someone do anything to you? You know I'll kill him." He said, pulling me even closer to him and hugging me softly.

"N-no." A sob left my mouth in between the word and it made me cry even harder for some reasons.

Thomas removed my hands and stared right into my eyes as he placed his finger underneath my chin, holding my face up. I looked down and tried to wipe my tears away. "What's wrong?"

"Zayn.." I said, slowly playing with my hair and closing my eyes when I felt Lucas' hand on my back. My brothers could be sweet.. at times.

"Did he pass away?" Lucas asked, causing me to shake my head and sigh deeply as I was almost out of breath trying to keep in my sobs and tears.

Thomas was still looking at me. "Then what, Rose? Tell us, maybe we can help."

I knew that it was obvious, and I knew there was no point of hiding it, so I decided to just tell them. They wouldn't tease me with it as they knew he was sick anyway. They had much respect for Zayn, so they told me.

"I like him." I squeezed my eyes closed, causing more tears to slip out and roll down my cheeks. "B-but I can't.."

Thomas' frown faded, but he was still looking concerned, "What do you mean, you can't?" He spoke sweetly, something he only did when he was being serious and caring.

"I can't like him, Thomas. He might die and I'll lose him. Do you know how much that h-hurts? I can't stand the thought, my heart already aches thinking about it. I.. I can't.. I just can't." I sobbed, removing my face from his chin and rubbing my wet eyes.

"Rose, I know there's a chance you might lose him, but what if you don't? What if you never admitted your feelings, finish your internship and you hear years later that he got clean not much after you left?" Thomas sighed softly. "Love isn't easy. Love requires sacrifice. Love is a risk. You can't just push your feelings away because of this. It isn't healthy."

I thought about his words. They were deep and hit me somewhere. He was right, but it wasn't easy.

He sighed again, "I mean look at you Rose.. you obviously kept it all too long to yourself. You're the type of girl who stays awake at night because of her thoughts. It's not healthy. You can't stop your feelings, you can't ignore them. You need to learn how to cope with them and how to use them, maybe even in a practical way."

"What do you mean?" I looked up at him and he brushed my tears off with his long sleeve.

"Admit them. You'll breathe again, trust me. If he doesn't have the same feelings for you, that's painful. But you'll get over it, just like I did. If he does have them.. then please.." He sounded like he was begging,

"Please make the best out of it. He needs a good time, Rose. He needs love, he needs a girl. I can tell. If he dies but you two were together, I can assure you that he wouldn't have wanted to spend his last few months any differently. If he doesn't die, imagine what you both can grow into?" Thomas said, calming me down a lot.

"I don't know Thomas.." I sighed deeply, wiping my eyes once again. He was right.. I knew that because he was older and had experience with relationships, but it was so, so much harder than I thought it'd be.

Thomas nodded slowly, "Think about what I said. You should probably sleep now. You need to work tomorrow again, yeah?"

"I'll think about it." I whispered, stood up and left my brothers alone.

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Do you understand Rose's feelings?

Do you think she'll admit it to Zayn?

Guys, I'm probably going to donate my hair 😱😊