Rose

The day after, Zayn was still far from being well. With the fever still present, his temperature wouldn't go down. He was in pain, you could see that from the look on his face and lost some weight, even though we gave him food through the tube. He still had a chemotherapy to go through, but they had postponed it because he was way too weak for it now.

Barely having gotten any sleep last night because of my feelings from yesterday, I did have time to think everything through and clear things up, especially in my mind. I had decided to push my feelings aside at work completely and just take care of him like a nurse would do. Like a nurse had to do.

The realisation had come to me that I hadn't been professional yesterday when I hadn't wanted to watch him anymore because of my own feelings. It had been selfish, I knew from the beginning that there would be a chance that he would die. He was a cancer patient- I couldn't ignore the thought.

Deciding to begin today with a fresh start, I simply wanted to let Caroline tell me what I had to do.

Guilt washed over me when I walked into his room, feeling disappointed in myself for leaving him like that yesterday. He was nothing but helpless, vulnerable in the state he was in now. He hadn't done anything wrong to me yet I chose to do something else because I couldn't handle it for a moment.

Caroline looked up when I walked over to her, giving me a warm smile. "Rose, good morning!"

Smiling back as I felt relieved she didn't seem mad about my behaviour from yesterday, I answered. "Good morning. Still not okay, I read in the reports?" Walking over to his bed, I noticed how dark the skin underneath his eyes were, even though he slept all the time. Noticed how flushed his cheeks were.

Caroline sighed softly, gaze falling onto him. "No, sadly. No improvements. He's asleep right now. He seemed to be better yesterday evening, but he was in the same state as yesterday morning when he woke up. Pain on several places, not hungry, exhausted, warm."

"Goodness." I breathed out in sadness, pressing my hand to his forehead. It was warm, sticky from sweat.

"He told me he was disappointed that you weren't around him anymore." Caroline said quietly, filling a bucket with warm water, adding some soap into it. Perhaps, she was going to wash him.

Another flood of guilt came over me and I looked at him in pure sadness. I didn't like myself for what I had done, but I couldn't change it. I was relieved he didn't know the exact reason why I had left- I would never forgive myself if he came to know.

Looking down at my jeans, I pretended to remove a fluff off it, which wasn't even on there. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

"Rose, don't apologize. You have to know that I completely understand your feelings. You have days where it gets too much. It's okay, I have them too. It's not an easy department." Caroline assured me, making me feel slightly better.

It was just the way you looked at it. She was right. It could get too much and it wasn't a bad thing. It was my first internship and it was already pretty hectic, losing patients such as Nathan and the little three year old girl, Sarah going home then meeting a sweet guy who's getting sicker each day.. She was right. It didn't take away all my negative thoughts about my situation, but still. I tried to look at it the same way as Caroline did.

"I guess.." I hesitated.

She gave me another smile, "Really, don't worry about it. But if something is bothering you, you can always talk to me, okay?" She said, her expression more serious. "It is important to talk about the things you see and go through, we don't want you to leave the internship with traumas.

Being aware that Caroline had no idea of what Zayn had asked me, I figured that was something I truly wanted to keep to myself. Probably, because I was afraid of what her thoughts were to the question. I didn't want to face the fact that he might die, not yet.

"Thanks, Caroline."

"No worries. Oh, good morning Trisha!" Caroline said, smiling softly at the woman who had just entered the room, dipping two washcloths into the warm water she had prepared.

Greeting his mother as well, I watched her as she placed her handbag onto the floor, closing the door of his room. "Good morning Caroline and Rose." Her soft features turned into concern, her hand pressing to his face. "How's he doing?"

Caroline gave her a sympathetic look. "Not so well. The same as I told you on the phone yesterday."

"Sweet boy." Trisha mumbled out sadly, sitting down on the chair that stood beside his bed. She held his hand tenderly, kissing it softly and stroking his bald head with her other hand. "Has he woken up yet, though?"

Caroline nodded, pulling down the covers a bit so his sweaty skin could breathe. "He woke up around seven am. That's when I found out he still wasn't feeling well. He sleeps a lot though. It's good for now. He needs his rest to recover."

"Alright." Trisha pressed a kiss to his cheeks, helplessly staring at her son. "How can I help?"

Caroline's eyes fell on me, I gave her a questionable look. "Well, I was actually about to wash him on the bed as he isn't able to take a shower or bath right now of course and I was wondering if you wanted to help, Rose?"

I gulped, but hid it very well for Trisha and Caroline. The thought of seeing him without any clothes on and washing him made the heat rise to my cheeks.

Stay professional.

"Uhm.. I- I don't think.." What could I say?

You're a nurse, Rose. You can't say no. It's a part of your job. Get over it. You have to face it one day.

But would Zayn feel comfortable with it? I was sure he wouldn't.

Caroline smiled cheekily then gave me a wink, "I get it. We'll use another patient for that paragraph." She whispered the last part, focusing back on his mother. "Trisha, if you want you can help me wash him, but you don't have to, of course." She said politely.

Sitting back down onto a chair that stood further away from Zayn's bed, I let out a deep breath. Afraid of being disobeying for not wanting to do what Caroline asked me, again, I let my thoughts run, wondering why I felt uncomfortable, a bit shy too. It wasn't just any patient I would be seeing without his clothes on. It was him..

Trisha, however, stood up right away, "Oh please let me help." She smiled softly, reaching for Caroline's arm with her hand, touching it for a brief moment. "You're already so busy with everything. I have time." He was blessed with a mother like her.

"Thanks, Trisha. We really appreciate your help." Caroline said sincerely, her expression thankful, then walked over to the small curtains that hung around his bed. "I'm just going to close them." Nodding quickly and waving her off to do her thing, I watched her as she closed them.

Though she closed everything, there were small gaps in between the curtains so now and then, which made me see his face, his stomach area and his legs. I could see how they undressed him, but I couldn't see his body.

Painful groans were heard, Zayn woke up. Clearly he was confused, still half asleep as he didn't really know what was going on.

"It's alright, darling." His mother quieted him down, and from the expression I saw on her face I could tell it broke her to see her own child like that.

"Mum." He said, his voice sounding even more hoarse than yesterday.

His mother kissed his forehead, tenderly. "Yes, sweetheart. I'm here." She continued washing him, making eye contact with him so now and then. From the distance, I could see that he lightly lifted his head, looking down at himself as his eyebrows furrowed.

"Don't be ashamed, Zayn. It's okay." His mother assured him, stroking his cheek softly.

Zayn took a deep breath and closed his eyes again. I felt bad for him. How must he be feeling right now? He always had to go through things a normal twenty- one year old guy wouldn't want to go through. I could imagine if he felt ashamed because his mother and another woman were washing him. It was his body, his own private thing that not everyone had to see, not even his parents.

After a while, they were finally done and found myself watching them as they dressed him. With his lower body fully clothed, they left his upper body bare. Caroline opened the curtains whilst I saw how his mother tucked in his legs. "Do you mind taking care of his wound again?" Caroline questioned, pointing to the box that was full of the medical materials I needed.

"No question." Smiling lightly, I reached for the box with medical materials, slowly walking over to his bed. With his mother and Caroline deciding to go to the restaurant to discuss a few things, they had left us alone so I could do my thing.

Scanning his face briefly, I saw how his eyes were closed, lips pouted as his cheek was pressed to his pillow. "Hey.." I tried to keep my voice quiet, not wanting to startle him.

Much to my surprise, his eyes opened right away and a smile appeared on his face. It almost made me feel emotional, noticing how he hadn't even smiled at his mother. "Rose." He whispered, my name coming out slowly.

Wanting to tease him about the bed bath situation, referring to the first time I had seen him, I figured right now was not the right time. Not wanting him to feel ashamed by it. "I'm going to take care of your wound, okay?" I placed the box on his bed and he nodded his head with a slow movement, simply being too tired and sick to do it any faster.

"It might hurt.. I'm sorry." Reaching for Simba, I handed it to him, wrapping his fingers around it with my own. "You might want to squeeze it when it hurts, it can help.."

A sleepy, high feverish smile appeared on his face, he tried to nod his head. "Thanks, Rose." His sick, raspy voice spoke.

Giving him a smile, I started to take off his used bandage. I felt that he was staring at me, but I tried to ignore it and just continue, needing the focus for my, rather, important task. I started cleaning the edges of his wound and I then filled the syringe with water, swallowing as I knew I was going to hurt him a lot right now.

Cleaning the wound as I sprayed the water onto his flesh and slightly burned skin, I noticed how he closed his eyes. His knuckles became white because of the strength he used for squeezing his stuffed animal, but he didn't let out any noises of pain. It crushed my heart, in a way, wanting him to just let out his feelings. I couldn't believe how strong he was.

Drying the wound, I applied new ointment and the bandage with band aids. My eyes fell onto his ribs, he had been holding his breath due to the pain, luckily the vision disappeared when he breathed out when I was done.

Throwing everything away, I returned back to his bed when I had washed my hands after taking off the gloves. "Are you okay? I'm sorry that I hurt you.."

Zayn's eyes fluttered open, a frown appearing on his face "Rose.. don't say sorry." He softly cleared his throat, I could barely hear him because of his soft and sick voice. "Not your fault, okay?"

"Yeah but-"

Zayn cut me off, "No buts, Rose.. it's not your fault. You're helping me and taking care of me very well." It took him a lot of energy to say all those words, but it meant everything to me.

"Thanks Zayn. I'm trying my best. For you." I whispered the last two words. I knew he didn't hear them as it already took him long enough to process everything.

He stared at me with the same small, yet genuine smile. "Rose?"

"Yes?" I stared at him. He rubbed his eyes sleepily then slowly stretched out his arms.

"Hug?"

How could I deny. I slightly bent down so he could reach me and he wrapped his arms around my neck. I wrapped mine around his thin body as well and smiled by myself when our cheeks were pressed together.