Zayn

My breathing was erratic, I couldn't stop panting. My physical condition had decreased so badly, I could barely run for two minutes straight. It was lightly frustrating- I used to be quite sportive, but what I had once built up was now demolished through my stay at the hospital.

"Come on, Zayn! We'd have expected better from you." One of my teammates mumbled, making frown at him, a sigh leaving my parted lips as I simply couldn't do better.

Walking over to the back of our 'field', I tried to catch my breath, parting my lips as my lungs longed to be filled. "Why do I have to do this?" I questioned Caroline, deeply furrowing my eyebrows as the, rather, unfamiliar feeling of annoyance washed over me.

Caroline softly pushed me back onto the field. "It's important to stay active, especially when you feel more tired than usual. We cannot always let you give in to your tiredness- the doctors explained you that themselves, right?"

"You never made me do this before!" I whisper- exclaimed, bringing my hand to the spot on my stomach, the radiation spot had been feeling rather itchy the past few days. Scratching felt satisfying, hurt in some ways- but was relieving at least.

Caroline removed my hand quickly, shaking her head in disapproval. "Don't scratch, you'll damage the spot.. Just play one more round of basketball and you can go back to your room, okay?" Her voice was clear, I knew I had to listen to her- she only wanted the best for me.

Turning around as I didn't feel like fighting against it, I tried to suppress the exhausted feeling. Caroline had thought that I would like basketball, it only reminded me of Nathan. Reluctantly standing on my position, I didn't bother to run over to the ball once I had to chance. I waited until the ball came my way.

When it did come my way, I stretched out my arms and tried to pass it over to one of my teammates, but failed miserably, the whole team, including me, watching the ball smack onto the floor.

"Seriously?!" The disappointment was definitely audible, I gave them a sheepish look.

"It's just a game.." Mumbling to myself, I picked up the ball, threw it into the air and when I got ahold of it again- I smacked it onto the floor on the side of the opposite team as hard as I could, the adrenaline of irritation being the cause of it.

Cheers were heard not much later, apparently I had scored.

Smiling lightly, I walked back over to Caroline and sat down upon one of the wooden, gym benches beside her. "Wait, why can I be around all of these people, but not Rose?" I wondered, genuinely.

"Could've been her. It's almost been two weeks, but she isn't working today." She answered simply, the hope growing lightly inside of me.

It truly had almost been two weeks. No matter how short other people would find it, to me those two weeks had felt like months, barely believing that I had went through them. Those days were the most lonely days I had been through. It truly had affected my mood, I felt so low.

There were days where I had been extremely nauseous and I indeed had gotten diarrhea, but being helped felt so strange. Their mouth caps and gloves made me feel miserable, made me feel like a bother. I had refused to press upon the help button at some point and tried to do everything myself as much as I could. From cleaning up my own vomit to trying and give myself tube feeding. It hadn't ended that well, but I just wanted to isolate.

Empty sheets that were in my notebook were now sketched fully- I had drawn so much the past few days. The guitar had been played as well, but at the end of the day I always ended up lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking and thinking.. one specific person on my mind all the time.

My family hadn't come over anymore. The last thing I had heard my mother say was that she thought it wasn't a good idea to visit in those days- she couldn't be near me, she knew it hurt me, I think my face had betrayed me last time.

The reason why Waliyha had acted rather strangely was because she didn't quite know how to act around me when I looked so sick, when I was sitting in the distance. She couldn't express her emotions well, I knew that, so I forgave her.

"You really are grumpy when she's not around." Caroline teased, but for some reasons, my tired state couldn't take it quite well, and I ended up taking it personally, watching her as she stood up.

"Well, how would you feel if you can't be around people for two weeks?" I shot back, sounding harsher than I wanted it to sound, the guilt taking over once I heard myself talk.

Caroline gave me a sympathetic look, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that, I'm going to go. You can be here for another while, but if you really don't feel like it anymore you can go to your room. I'll see you around, yeah?"

Guilt became worse, I tried to swallow it away as I watched her leaving the area. Truly, I hadn't meant it in a bad way, it just came out wrong. Standing up, I decided to play along for another round, knowing it was something Caroline had wanted for me to do. Could that make it up to her?

My mind was absent, it was still with Caroline and my behaviour, the focus wasn't there. Tired eyes of mine stared at the floor, deep in thoughts. I needed to say sorry, but I didn't really know how. Gestures could be better at times, but what was the right one?

"Watch out, watch out!" The sudden, loud voice made me look up. Only then, my eyes processed, slowly, that the ball was flying towards me. The moment I wanted to move away, the ball hit me, hard, on the spot that had had radiation about two weeks ago.

Tears sprung in my eyes at the sudden, harsh pain, making me turn around quickly. Bending down, I placed my hands upon the spot, trying to breathe in and out slowly, praying that the unbearable pain would fade, right here, right now.

"Are you alright?" Looking up, a patient I didn't really know asked, his eyes full of concern.

Shrugging him off, I couldn't help but lie. "I'm fine, really." Lifting up my shirt and exposing my skin, I saw how red it had gotten. It had already been red because of the slight damage of the skin and the itching, but it had become even worse now.

The guy who had hit me, accidentally, ran over to me, his eyes wide. "I'm so sorry, so sorry. Are you okay?" I felt his hand being pressed on my back.

Waving him off, I gave him a weak smile, trying to assure him that it was alright. "It's okay, don't worry about it, really." Standing up straight, my eyes closed at the sudden, sharp pain again. "I'm.. I'm just going to go.

Eyes were burning my back when I walked away, leaving the gym room. Holding my hand to the spot as I walked through the hallways, I felt like fainting soon because of the unbearable pain I was in. Nausea took over, making clear that the tumor was still there, no matter how hard the radiation had tried to kill it.

Great first day, finally seeing people around again after two weeks of being isolated, only seeing Caroline and another nurse when Caroline wasn't around. Part of me wanted to be mad at Caroline because she had forced me to do this, but at the same time I knew she had only wanted the best for me- it wasn't her fault. I controlled my emotions.

It was an accident. It could happen.

Breathing in and out deeply, I stumbled my way over to my bed once I had reached my room. Lying down on my bed, I pressed my hands to my face as I felt more tears starting to fill my eyes. Why did the pain always have to be so much?

Wiping my eyes, I pressed my teeth into my lip, hoping in that way I wouldn't feel the other pain anymore, Sadly, it didn't really work, and only caused my lip to bleed.

Blinking a few times, I sat up slowly. Stay positive, stay positive. Don't cry.

Eyes gazing around the room, they eventually fell upon my stuffed hot pack, my hand reaching out to it in sheer desperation. I hoped the heat would lighten the pain, so I put it into the microwave.

It felt like ages, but after a minute or so it was warmed up. Lifting up my shirt, I slightly pulled down my trousers and exposed my skin, laying the stuffed hot pack on the awfully sore spot, feeling relieved once the heat had hit it.

Soon later, Caroline came rushing inside my room, worry written in her eyes. "Are you okay? They told me what happened." A soft, sad sigh left her parted lips. "It's such a sensitive spot right now."

Fidgeting with my fingers, I briefly looked up at her. "It will be fine." I said softly, giving her a warm smile, despite the pain that wanted to steal the gesture from me.

"I know you will be." Caroline sat down upon my bed, eyes raking over my face. "You're so strong. You'll get through all of this, trust me." Her smile was confident, it gave me hope, but my smile was weak.

Hope and prayers, was it enough for me to survive the sickness?

"Now, let me see." Her cold hands removed the warmth from the sore spot, her finger slowly brushing over it. "I just hope it doesn't get infected. It looks.. okay right now." Caroline reached for my hand and stuffed some pills in there, standing up to get a glass of water. "Some painkillers. You might need them."

I do. I thought by myself. A lot.