Zayn

"Make sure the radiation spot doesn't get soap on it, Zayn!" Caroline's voice was loud, perhaps so I could hear her voice above the water that was running, soaking my body.

Sighing a little, I yelled. "I know!" Carefully trying to wash my body without getting the soap there, as she told me. Due to the radiation, my skin was extremely sensitive around that area and soap could harm it quite a lot.

Holding the dry cloth to the spot, I tried to wash myself with another one. It was clumsy, but I managed to do it right. I then washed my head, rinsed the soap and shampoo off and stepped away from the spray, reaching for a towel. Carefully drying myself I slipped on my underwear, loose sweatpants and a loose shirt.

It had been the second day after my radiation and I was doing surprisingly okay. I was a little tired, but other than that I was feeling perfectly fine. The only thing I absolutely disliked was the fact that Caroline had to wear a mouth cap around me. As if I was a toxic person- which I, practically, was right now. It just didn't feel right- made me feel worthless in a way.

The thing I hated even more was the fact that Rose wasn't allowed to be with me for a while as they wanted to protect her from the radiation. I didn't know if I could survive without her for two weeks- she had always been here, every week, putting a smile on my face. And now, when I was more lonely than usual she couldn't be here, just when I needed her so much.

Don't get me wrong- her health was very important, especially to me so there was no way I wanted to harm her with my radiation, but that didn't take away the constant feeling of missing her quite a lot.

Sighing sadly as I was stuck in my thoughts, I shoved away the shower curtain, watching Caroline making my bed with her mouth cap pulled down slightly. Once I was seated on a chair that stood on the right side of the room- so she could do her thing without me harming her- I simply watched her.

"You know what smells good.. nice shampoo." Caroline mentioned, still making my bed after changing the sheets.

"Mama bought it for me." Shrugging slowly, I retrieved a few blank sheets and pencils, starting to draw some random stuff as my creativity itched my hands, the boredom taking over as well.

Caroline smiled, she had always told me that she loved how supportive my family was, how my family was one of the less that were still so close, the bond strong. "That's sweet. Speaking of your mum, she wanted to come by today. Would you like that? She said your dad and sisters would come as well. Probably for dinner."

I looked up at her, "Of course I would, but are they allowed to?"

"Yeah, Zayn. It's okay. They just can't come very near you. If you know what I mean." A sad smile appeared on her face, her dark hands stuffing the used sheets and covers into the washing bag, that would be picked up and emptied at the end of the day.

Nodding slowly, my mind started debating with thoughts. Surely wanting to see my family, I also felt that it didn't really make sense, seeing we wouldn't be able to be near each other due to the radiation.

"Alright, Zayn. I have to leave, more patients are waiting for a fresh bed. Press on the button when something is wrong, okay?" Her face stood rather sad, it made me wonder why. "I'm sorry you have to go through this sweetheart. You must feel alone. It'll be over soon."

Watching her leave my room, I stared at the closed door for a while. Honestly, it hadn't crossed my mind that it would make me feel alone, but it surely had made me feel that way. She wasn't here as much as usually, she would come to feed me only or whenever I'd have pressed onto the button.

Other than that, I was just wasting my time in my room, alone, wondering where Rose was or what she would be doing at that exact same moment. I needed to see her, I knew she wouldn't fail to brighten up my day, but I couldn't.

I started drawing again, something I had always liked. I didn't know why, but I always ended up drawing roses. She didn't even like them, so at the end I'd always rip my drawings and throw them away in the bin.

Thinking of roses and flowers, it reminded me of my small notebook. I reached for it and opened it, finding my dried flowers. I smiled- just a few more and I could make it complete. It just needed to be with her. Stuffing away the notebook on a safe place, I looked up when I heard faint noises and knocking on my door.

"Yeah?" Replying right after, a tiny smile crept upon my lips when I recognized the sweet voice of my little sister.

Soon after, my family entered my room, smiles visible on all of their faces, even when my mother's eyes glistened. Caroline was there as well, helping my mother set up a few chairs on the other side of the room, helping them get comfortable.

"Hi." I said, simply, watching them all contently.

My mother blew me a kiss, her eyes stood soft. "Sweetheart, hi. How are you doing?"

Shrugging, I lied, only to make her feel better. "Fine."

Watching them silently as they all sat down and answered Caroline's question as what they wanted to drink, I saw how Safaa was already busy with my stuffed Simba, Waliyha playing with her fingers whilst staring outside the window and how Doniya, mum and dad were staring at me.

"It's not very nice for you that we have to sit all the way over here.." Mum gulped lightly, swallowing away her emotions.

Shrugging, I lied again. My chest felt tight, seeing my mother broken. "It's okay, at least I get to see you all." I felt alone, I wanted to feel her embrace.

"Wali," I started, wondering why she was being so quiet, when usually, she was the chattiest sister. "What's up? Did you spend some time with Ruth?" Ruth was Liam's younger sister, Waliyha's friend. I genuinely wondered, secretly wanting to know what everyone was up to at home.

Waliyha glanced at me, but looked away rather quickly. "No." She huffed, ignoring me after that.

Frowning lightly at her reaction, I looked up at my mother, wanting to know what was up with her today, but she simply stared down at her lap, plucking her nails. Figuring she was just not having her day, silence took over us. It was uncomfortable, something I wasn't quite used to when it came to my family being around me.

Perhaps, it was my fault. I was their sick child, after all. Slowly turning away from them, I stared at the wall that was beside me, drawing things on it with my finger. The lump in my throat became bigger, the new medication I had been given, giving me low thoughts. It all felt as if it was my fault, the whole atmosphere, the uncomfortable silences.

Without me, they wouldn't have reasons to be so melancholic, they wouldn't have to be so worried, so upset. Perhaps, I just needed to die- they would finally have the rest they all deserved. No four hours of traveling only to see me for such a short time, to give me pleasure. No more huge payments, no more worries, no more tears.

My sisters had enough stress within their studies, my mother had enough stress with the household, my father had enough stress with his work.

Sighing as quietly, I couldn't help but held back a deep sigh, not wanting to make my mother even more upset. Biting my lip, I stared at the tiny details that were spread out across the wall, what else was there to do?

Mum cleared her throat, gaining my attention. "I brought you something. I found it in your room the other day." She spoke softly, breaking off the silence completely.

Slowly turning around, my gaze fell onto her hands, which opened her handbag. The stuffed, grey elephant hot pack- the one that smelled like lavender and had grains inside, which you could warm up in the microwave so it would be a hot pack.

Memories flashed through my mind, especially those when I was five, my body full of cancer. I was thin, and I was always cold. Poppy had always kept me warm and safe at night. "Poppy?" I chuckled, suddenly wondering where she had found it.

"It was underneath your bed, along with your fluffy blankets. Why do you always rip those off at night and throw them under your bed?" Soft laughter was heard, my eyes squinted at that in happiness. My mother's laugh was sweet and contagious.

Doniya grinned, her tongue sticking out. "Awe, little Zayn still sleeps with his stuffed elephant called Poppy, how sweet." She teased, making me roll my eyes.

"As if." I chuckled. However, I couldn't fully deny that I hadn't slept with it ever since I was ten. It was a hot pack with an elephant cover- I didn't see the problem there.

"It was under your bed! Mum just said that-"

"Don." My mum cut her off, but I could hear her laughing still. "Anyway, I brought it here because you seem to be cold almost every night- those blankets are insanely thick!" She referred to the blankets that were spread out onto my bed. "You can use it if you're cold."

"Thanks, mama." Mumbling it out quietly, I adjusted the beanie on my head- it had almost fallen over my eyes.

Mum smiled a little. "Of course, sweetheart."

Eventually, my parents got caught up in a conversation about something that had happened in our neighborhood in Bradford. Not being able to follow it as I wasn't there and therefore; had no idea of, I put my head in my hand and stared at the table.

I tried really hard, but I just couldn't be happy today. I hated this a lot- and no matter how much I loved my family's company, I'd have preferred that they didn't come over. It would hurt less. I wouldn't feel as alone as I do now because of the space between us.

Eventually, after a while a nurse came into the room and gave my family plates full of food. I could smell the nice cooked vegetables and when the aroma of the chicken filled my nose, I could feel my mouth watering. I wanted the chicken so bad. But it was all crushed when she shoved a plate towards me with just a few, frugal vegetables.

I looked up at her, "Can't I have chicken?" I whispered. I didn't want my mum to hear it, not wanting her to fight against it if I couldn't get it.

"No, it's not practical along the tube that is in your throat." She said, then turned around and walked away.

Frowning lightly, I thought about her words. Not practical? Had she ever heard of chewing?

Pursing my lips, I slowly rubbed my eyes, glancing at my family only to find out that they were already eating. The smell of chicken drove me crazy, but I somehow managed to stab my fork into the vegetables, chew on them and swallow them down.

My mother had stared at me the whole time and I knew how upset she became when she saw me so low, but I just couldn't hide it today. I wanted to stay positive, as always, but at this point I just couldn't see even one, little, light about the whole situation.

Dinner was over soon, my parents and siblings had stood up. They were going to leave- their visit had been short, but it was mentally draining because of the situation, so it felt better.

"We love you, sweetheart. We won't be so far next time, okay? It was just for one time.." Mum apologised, her eyes desperate. "We had to listen to the doctors and nurses.."

"I know, mum. Don't worry about it." Giving her a small smile, I waved at my father and siblings, telling them a quiet goodbye and blowing them a few kisses. The door closed, the loneliness crept up, instantly.

Deciding to get changed and get some sleep, I didn't really care that it was still early. I needed to get away for a while and in a way, sleep was the best solution for that.

I was not excited for what tomorrow was going to bring.