Zayn

Staring at the ceiling, I tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling that my body was giving me. I couldn't turn on my left side, neither on my right side. The cause of being stuck on sleeping on my back was that every bone, every joint and every muscle hurt. My body was glowing- I was sure there were many red spots on my skin everywhere.

The heat was killing me, but once I tried to move away the covers, the cold air would hit my skin and gave me a really uncomfortable feeling. I had to stay underneath the covers, no matter how bad I wanted to cool off. Thirst was taking over, but I couldn't get out of bed because I was in too much pain. I was nauseous, but couldn't get a bowl, I needed to pee, but I couldn't walk over to the toilet.

Stuck like a helpless guy in my own bed, I glanced around me, praying that the nurses would come soon. It was too early, the sky was still dark from the night and the other patients were still asleep for as far as I could hear. I knew I could press onto the help button that was next to my bed, but I knew it wasn't Caroline that was working the night shift. For some reasons, I was way more comfortable with the thought that she would help me, instead of somebody else.

Yeah, it had been my own fault. I was a fool to think I would be fine still once I took less pills. I had been feeling okay, I thought my body would be able to handle it- but it couldn't. The unbearable pain was caused because of me, because I didn't take the pills. The heat and glowing was because I did take that pill and the side effect was worse because the other pills, which I was supposed to take but didn't do, would always suppress the bad side effects.

I was disappointed in myself. Disappointed because I didn't take the pills, but mostly because I underestimated my own body. I thought I could handle it, but clearly, I couldn't. It proved to myself how weak I actually was without all my medication.

Sighing deeply, I stared at the ceiling. At least I had enough time to clear up my mind, having many lonely conversations with myself at night. It were my thoughts against my feelings, a complete storm having taken over the past few days. It had made me feel extremely low, but I had finally gotten control over it and slowly but surely pushed all the negative thoughts aside.

The ache in my heart that came when Nathan had left the earth was still present- I missed him so much. If there was anything that I could wish for right now, then it would be that I could spend one last day with him. I'd empty my heart about Rose, ask him for advice. He would know what to do, he knew that I was going to fall for her after all. I still didn't understand how, but it didn't matter. He was right. I needed him, but he wasn't there.

Caroline had helped me a lot when it came to my feelings about Nathan. She knew the right questions to ask, triggering my emotions but it was good to let everything out- I was a master in keeping things for myself, until I'd explode. I was more than relieved after our conversations, she almost felt like a psychologist.

She told me that the nurse had been fired after the incident of her slapping me. Apparently, I hadn't been the only patient she had been treating like dirt. I knew Nathan hadn't ever liked her for the same reasons as mine. I'm sure he would be relieved that she was gone, if he had been alive.

I was still processing what she had done to me- it didn't get to me until like a day later. Luckily Caroline had been there to talk to.

Slowly moving my head, I glanced at the clock. Three hours until I would see Rose again, making me feel excited as I hadn't seen her since Wednesday- it was Monday today. I knew she would be able to make me forget about the pain, something I surely needed at this very moment.

Closing my eyes, I slowly drifted off into a deep slumber, not waking up after the five hours that had followed after.

Wanting to stretch out my arms and legs the moment I had woken up, I had forgotten about the pain and a painful whimper left my mouth.

"Are you alright?" Caroline's voice rang through my head, I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't Rose- no matter how much I loved Caroline. I would have preferred to have heard the other voice as well, the more sweet and soft one.

Opening my eyes, I slowly rubbed them, making my vision clear and seeing Caroline, who was folding my laundry, her eyes lingering on me. "I don't feel so well."

Caroline placed a pile of clothes onto the table and walked over to me, placing her cold hand on my hot skin. She frowned, "Seems like the side effects became worse.."

"I can't move, my body hurts, Caroline. Even more than a few days ago." I sighed a little and looked at her. Her face stood a little concerned and it made me worried. "I'm not going to die now, am I?"

Her face softened, "Zayn, no. I'm just confused.. are you sure you took all of your pills?"

Biting my lip, I looked away, sighing deeply as I knew I couldn't lie about it. It would make everything complicated, while it didn't have to be. "No.. but don't get mad, hear me out, please?"

Caroline's expression didn't change. She wasn't mad and that surprised me, but also made me feel extremely relieved and encouraged me to tell the truth.

"I was doing well, I thought I could take less pills. I don't think that pills are healthy.. I thought it was just pure toxicity that you stuffed your body full with and maybe in a way, it is, but I thought wrong. I need them. I'm sorry, I won't do this again but I just wanted to try." I sniffed and looked at my fingers, which were also hurting.

Caroline sighed a little, but pressed a kiss to my head. "I understand it. I would tell you it's your own fault that you're feeling like this, but I get your reason and I feel too bad for you to say so." She chuckled a little, making me smile slightly. "But from now on, I need you to take them, otherwise you won't get any better, sweetheart."

"Thanks.. I'm sorry, it was stupid." Wincing in pain as I tried to sit up, my eyes glistened. I felt frustrated, exhausted. I always went on and on until my body couldn't take it anymore, and that moment had come now, it seemed.

"Lie down, sweetheart. I can tell you're in pain. Do you need anything?" She made my pillow comfortable again and decided not to put on my beanie as she knew I was sweating like crazy. It would only itch and be more uncomfortable.

Looking at her, I took a deep breath, reluctantly answering. "I'm really thirsty, but I need to pee as well."

"Got you, I'll be back." Caroline gave me a soft smile and made her way over to the cabinets after filling a glass with water, where she retrieved the medical chamber pot. Basically, it looked like a pan and bowl mixed, only for it to do you business in. I sighed, I disliked doing my things in there, knowing it was uncomfortable and rather awkward, but I couldn't walk- let alone get out of bed.

Caroline placed the glass of water on my nightstand, closing the curtains that were around my bed for privacy to do things like this. It was only to protect the eyes that would meet me once they would walk into my room without a warning. Probably also because I didn't, for some reasons, need everybody to see me like that. I let out a tiny chuckle at my thoughts.

Staring up at the ceiling as Caroline helped me pulling down my pajama pants and underwear, she carefully shoved the chamber pot in between my legs, leaving me alone to do my thing. Once I was done, she helped me wipe, pulled my clothes back on again and cleaned up the bowl.

Glancing at her, I realised how much I actually appreciated Caroline. She knew how much I disliked things like this, she knew how uncomfortable it made me feel, but she never teased about it. Her professionalism was present with tasks like those, I was extremely thankful for that. I didn't have to be embarrassed around her- she made me feel as if it was the most normal thing to do, it was what I needed.

The bed moved up and Caroline opened the curtains, bringing the glass up to my lips. I held it with shaky hands, drinking the cold water gratefully. I stretched my arm out to her and handed her the now empty glass, earning a smile from her.

Looking at her, my eyebrows furrowed lightly. "Where's Rose? It's Monday, right? Her workday.."

Caroline nodded, rinsing the glass I had just gulped water from. "It is Monday. It's her birthday today, so she had asked for a day off. She wanted to spend it with her family."

"It's her birthday? She didn't tell me that." I frowned a little, feeling slightly disappointed that I couldn't be there to spend it with her.

Caroline chuckled, tapping my cheek. "Does she seem like the type of girl to tell everybody that it's her birthday soon?"

"No.. but still." My mind started racing with thoughts right away, feeling the need to give her something to, somehow, show my appreciation for her. Perhaps, I could draw something, or maybe even sing.

Sinking into my deep thoughts about some possible presents for her, Caroline dragged me back to reality after a brief moment. "Zayn, before you start to worry about what to give her, let's listen to the doctor."

She knew me.

Frowning lightly, I felt upset at that. "The doctor? What do you mean?"

"He has been wanting to discuss the results with you, but since you're not able to leave the bed, he'll be coming over soon." Caroline glanced at her watch. "Should be here any minute, don't worry."

"Oh." Sighing sadly, I simply rested my head back down. Never was I looking forward to the results. Who knew what was wrong with me this time?

Caroline was right. The doctor came inside my room not much later and closed the door behind him, taking a seat on the chair which was standing next to my bed. "Good morning, Zayn. How are you doing?"

"Fine." I lied, then glanced at the papers he was holding.

"He has pain everywhere. His whole body hurts, joints, muscles, bones.. Painkillers should take it away, though." Caroline told the doctor, making him listen carefully and nodding while his face stood a little concerned.

He then looked at me, "I'm sorry to hear so, Zayn. We hope you'll feel better soon. Okay, I wanted to discuss the results from the scans with you." He searched through the papers and showed me them, even when I wasn't really able to make out what he was showing me.

"As you can see, your tumor has reduced after the surgery. We're happy to confirm that it hasn't grown either ever since the surgery, so that's a really good sign." He smiled at me and I sighed in relief, "Though, the chemotherapy hasn't killed the other cells which is slightly disappointing, but who knows what happens with the next therapy. We're either way going to try it with irradiation soon."

I nodded, trying to express everything he was saying. "Your Leukemia.. we have to be honest. It hasn't improved, sadly. We're trying to search for options to give you a bone marrow transplant, or change the medication that is currently in the chemotherapy. We need a donor for a bone marrow transplant, though, or we can get your own cells, but they have to be healthy. We're going to find that out soon."

"Alright." I said quietly, feeling disappointed that my sickness hadn't improved. Not that it didn't surprise me, though. Knowing what I felt like now that I hadn't taken my needed medication.

"That's all for today, I hope I informed you enough." He gave me a sympathetic smile, which I returned with a small nod, politely making clear I had heard enough. "Rest well, boy. Have a good day."

Giving him a half- heartedly smile, I answered. "You too, Doctor Lane." I mumbled out, but I wasn't sure if he had heard.

After that Caroline gave me more to drink, some food and painkillers and left me alone so I could work on Rose's birthday gift. It was a lot of work, my bones in my fingers hurting, but she was so worth it.

Rose deserved to be given something, besides the fact that I just wanted to. So, I worked and worked the whole day and through the night on her presents, until it was around four am, where I was finally done. The moment my head had hit the pillow, I was dragged away far in my sleep.