Arya and I rarely fought. I could count the number of times we did in all the years we'd known each other on one hand. Not counting the wrestling matches, football tackles, and who got the last slice of pizza shoves.

Maybe it was because Arya wasn't built for arguments. Nothing ever got him angry or motivated enough to stick to his ground and fight for his side of things. In cricket, most of us knew his strategies and plans were sound and if anyone ever had a problem... Arya'd convince them otherwise before an argument even presented itself.

That was why everyone loved him.

Calm. Collected. Charming. Never lost his cool. Funny. Caring.

And that was why every time we had a fight, it made me feel like shit. Like I was the one who wasn't worthy of him. Especially when all he did was stand there and accept every insult and rude remark I threw at him.

We were in Bloem. It was the day before our semi-finals against West Indies, and Arya was so fucking sure the match would be ours that he had decided to ditch curfew—again—and go out "cruising". I had warned him not to. Not to take the risk. Not when we had our match first thing in the morning.

He had paid no heed. He showed me his charming smile, said, You need to chill out a little, side-stepped and left.

I could've gone behind him. With him. See where he went. Experience what he experienced. But when the mere thought of being with anyone other than him even grazed my mind, I wanted to hurl my guts out. There wasn't anyone like him. He was the one I wanted to spend forever with. I loved Arya. I loved him so damn much, it destroyed me to see him walk out our shared hotel room door every time. How could I ever find a guy that captivating? That loving? And that wonderful? How could I find someone who would play cricket with me anytime of the day, watch movies together on mute and make up our own dialogues, and smile every time I rested my head on his chest?

When he could go out night after night with different men, why couldn't I? Why did I drown in guilt when he didn't? Why did it hurt so much to see him with someone else when he repeatedly said he loved me and only me?

Tears spilled over, racing down my temples. How many tears had I shed because of him? Did he not notice? Or did he ignore it? Arya was a master at ignoring things that didn't fit his idea of a perfect life.

Sadness soon gave way to anger when an hour passed. Ten pm. Eleven. Twelve.

Where was he?

We had a match in just a couple of hours, and the captain was out getting his rocks off. Setting such admirable precedents for all generations to come.

He had stumbled into our room at quarter to one. Disheveled and disoriented. The heavy stench of alcohol hung about him like a thunderous cloud.

My fists opened and closed. He didn't care about me? Fine. He enjoyed fucking me over? Okay. But the team didn't deserve this. They didn't deserve a captain who couldn't care less about them when the qualifiers were so near. My vision blurred when I shoved him.

He stumbled back, arms flapping to maintain his balance. "Wha—"

I had him against the door, my forearm pressed against his chest. "Have you lost it?"

"Neil—"

"We have a fucking match in less than seven hours and you come back drunk!"

"I'm not—"

"Do you even care about anyone other than yourself?"

His head hung low. Thick, brown curls that I loved so much covered those huge, owl eyes which always seemed to sparkle. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to yank him up by his hair so he could look me in the eye and see the damage he'd caused.

"You selfish bastard. They made you captain for a reason. They trusted you. I—I fucking trusted you. I stuck up for you. I cover for you. Every single fucking time."

"Neil. Neil, please—" He was shaking. Trembling from head to toe. He was slipping. From my grip, from my fingers, from my life.

"For some of us, this is our dream. Winning the cup is our dream. Maybe not for you. Maybe... Maybe for you, this is all just a fun break to get you away from all your comforts and riches and fucked up family life. For us? For us, this is our only way of moving forward in life."

He still didn't respond. Didn't even have the basic consideration to look at me.

"Why do you always do this?" Tears rolled down my cheeks. Hot, angry tears filled with so much pent-up frustration that it burnt my skin.

I moved back, releasing my hold on him. He fell to the floor, his face still hidden behind those beautiful curls. He brought his knees to his chest, hiding every part of himself, like he was hiding from me.

I stepped back. And back. And back. Till I had no more space to put between us. I couldn't face him. Not tonight. Not when we had a match and the last of my heart was turning to dust.

"Ev—Every time you step out, it's like my heart is on hold." I was crying. Hard. Hiccups interrupted my words and punctuated my silences. But this would be the last. "I'm always so fucking worried. Where are you? Are you safe? Will you make it back in time? Did someone catch you? Only when you step back in through that door, it feels like I can breathe easy again."

I wanted to run. Run somewhere I could release the scream building up inside me, where I could claw out my heart and bury it deep inside the Earth, where no one could ever hurt it again. Somewhere I could just cry and cry and cry and whisper Arya's name as I clung to the memories of us when we were happy.

I fell to the floor on the opposite end of our shared hotel room, fingers laced behind my neck, forehead down. I sucked breath after breath. Squeezed my eyes shut.

The door opened and closed, the shrill squeak serving as the last reminder of what we had and leaving me alone once more.

"Neil..."

It was a dream. It had to be. I was pretty sure I had fucked things up, enough that Arya wouldn't look at me ever again. Much less be in my bed, lying so close I could feel the sunken impression of him on the mattress.

"Neil..."

The room was dark, but I could see him. See his shimmering brown eyes, the outline of lips, the sadness that always plagued him even though he masked it behind a smile.

I wanted to touch him. One last time before I ended every single connection we ever shared. My heart couldn't take more. My fingers tangled with his. Warm, solid and there. Just there.

"Arya, I—"

"I envy you," he whispered.

"What?"

"You have so much love in you. Just there. You keep giving and giving and—" His hand was shaking in mine, knotted in fear. "I just kept taking and taking. You never minded. Not once."

"Arya, what are you..."

Arya hitched himself closer until just our clothes separated us. His cheeks held dried tracks of salt catching and reflecting the light crisscrossing the bed. He pulled our joined hands to his lips and kissed my knuckles. "I don't deserve you. You always hold on to the ones you love. Always have. Me? For me, they always slip away. No matter how close I keep them. I don't have anyone except you, Neil. That's always been my biggest fear. Losing you. I can't lose you."

I tried pulling away, but he wouldn't let me. Panic shrouded his eyes as I tried to yank my hand away from his.

"Neil—Neil, please—"

He might've been the taller one, but I was bigger than him, stronger. I broke my hold and had him flat on his back, his wrists pinned beside his head. "What the fuck is going on?"

Arya was the bravest person I knew. He didn't break down when his parents split up, he didn't break down when his mother moved to a different country, he didn't break down when every single teacher in our school called him a failure for his bad grades, he didn't break down when his father hit him. Now. Now it looked like he had split right in the middle.

"I'm so scared, Neil. So fucking scared." Tears rolled down his cheeks, his temples, blotting against my sheets. "I try so hard every day, but I don't know if it's enough. Cricket is all I have. And we've come so far. The boys, you, me. I can't... I can't fuck this up. But everything in life has been just that. Either a mistake, or a fuck up. Hell, my fucking birth was a mistake. I just want one thing to go my way." He shuddered, flinched, and calmed himself down. Vulnerability. Always had a way of soothing people. I loosened my hold on him.

"Arya. Where were you tonight?"

"I just needed to be alone. I wanted to think. See if I can develop some better game plan. I don't know."

"You didn't drink?"

"No, you crazy? I was just sipping a coke at the open bar down. We have a match in three hours. What do you think?"

"You smell like a bar broke down on you."

"Some idiot spilled his gin and tonic on me."

"Yeah, you do have the worst luck on the planet."

A dragged-in inhale, hitching on a rasp, and then he pushed me to the side. He caught hold of his hair, tugging the roots. I dragged him into my arms, pulled his face into my neck, and kissed him on the top of his head.

"You really do have love oozing out of you," he mumbled into my neck.

"Yeah?"

"That's why you can't be with other people."

I said nothing. Just because Arya didn't sleep with anyone that night, didn't mean all the other nights where I laid awake in an empty room, staring at an empty twin bed, vanished. But, I would wait. Till we saw this tournament through, I would wait.

"And that's why I love you." He clung to my shirt, holding on like he was afraid if I let go, he'd cease to exist. "You need meaning. That's why I had only one condition. No matter what, don't fall in love with anyone else. Me? Most things in my life are temporary. Always was. Always will be. Not you, though. You're my one constant. I'm sorry. For everything. From now on, no more. I love you so much, Neil. Always you. Only you."

Sleep soon gripped him after that. He stayed in my arms, breathing me in, his confession a brand on my soul. That was the last night we had spent together.

"Neil! Neil, you idiot, look down! He's choking."

Krishna's voice pulled me out of my stupor, and his charging figure anchored me to this planet. I looked down. Deep's purple, struggling face came into view.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." I grabbed the barbell from him and slotted it into the stand.

Deep shot up from the bench, his hand on his chest, gulping down large amounts of air. His other hand fisted to show a thumb's up. "I'm good," he choked out. "I can go again. Last set."

Krishna finally reached us and slapped Deep on the back, causing more harm than whatever he intended. "Dude, pay attention. Move, I'll spot him."

"Yeah, sorry." I moved out of the way, and Krishna replaced me behind the stand.

Loud clangs and grunts echoed around us. Deep laid back down on the bench and Krishna helped him unslot the barbell for another set of bench presses.

"Where is your mind, man?" Krishna asked. "You're zoning out a lot these days."

"I'm..." The immediate reply I had planned was to say I'm fine, don't worry about it. But, really, I needed some advice. Who better to ask than the relationship guru? "I met someone."

"No shit, Sherlock." He didn't regard me, Deep taking all his attention. For good measure. I'd almost killed him.

"Actually, I remet someone."

"Meaning?"

"Remember that blind date you set me up on a year back? Some coworker of yours?"

"Yeah, Henry. The one you ghosted. Thank God I didn't have to see him again."

"Right. So, the thing is, I ghosted him because I met someone else that night."

Now, I got his attention. Krishna stared at me, wide-eyed and slack jawed, his eyes bulging out of his head. "Bro! So not cool. Did you hook up with that guy?"

"Obviously."

"Man, that's messed up."

"Anyway. We hooked up. No contact for a year. Now, he's a patient at H&P, and I'm assigned to monitor his progress."

"Whoa!" He brought his fists to his hips, with his arms akimbo, looking every part the gossipmonger he was. "That must be something."

"I don't know. He keeps flirting. Dropping these weird one liners. Inviting me to dinner. Just... I don't know."

"Is he creepy?"

"No. He's sorta charming. In his own way."

"Go out for dinner then. What's the worst that could happen? Let him pay. You can get free food."

"No." I shook my head and sat down on the empty leg press seat beside. "I'm not made for these stupid situationship things."

"Situationships lead to relationships."

"I don't know if I want that."

"What do you want?"

I want Arya. "I don't know."

"Well, until you figure that out for yourself, might as well maintain distance. Emotionally, I mean. Physically, if you want that ass, grab it."

Sputtered gasps broke our conversation. We both had drifted off to the side and left Deep alone. Krishna rushed for him, yelling out I'm coming, I'm coming. Hang on. The barbell again clamped down on his throat while he choked out our names.

I watched as he helped Deep, while Deep took a second to inhale in some oxygen before grabbing a dumbbell and chasing Krishna with it. Krishna indulged him for a while and ran in circles around the gym, goading him on, till Deep caught up to him. He grabbed Deep's wrist, forced him to let go of the dumbbell, and pulled him for a hug. His lips lowered to Deep's ear as he whispered something to him that was too low for me to overhear.

I smiled, watching the scene unfold before m. And in my weird, twisted head, I thought that... That is what I want.