Chapter Thirty-six

Before, Daddy would go to work early and wouldn't even bother sitting for a breakfast with us. He would rather bury himself with his workloads in his office than eat with us, I would just wake up with him out of the house already.

It had become a habit I forced to live in.

Tinanggap ko iyon, oo, dahil mas madali iyon kaysa ang paulit-ulit siyang kulitin na sumabay sa amin. Tinanggap ko iyon, dahil mas madali iyon kaysa ang tanggapin sa sarili kong hindi pa rin niya magawang pakawalan ang mga ala-ala ni Mommy. Tinanggap ko kasi nagkamali ako.

Just to be fair with him, for misunderstanding him, I let him do what pleased him.

At ngayong pinagmamasdan ko siyang naglalakad pababa ng ilang baitang hagdan patungo sa sasakyan niyang nakaparada sa harap ng mansiyon, napagtanto kong muli na sobrang dami ko pa lang sinayang noon.

The time, the chances and the emotions bursted.

I slowly raised my hand and waved him goodbye when I saw his car rapidly stride along the long driveway towards the main gate from the faraway distance, my lips lightly stretching upward for a small smile and my eyes immediately watering for the tears been deprived to fall.

What I would freaking give for Daddy's resolve was something I would seriously take more effort for, even if it would take me a lifetime, a broken heart and many more sacrifices.

"He was unusually very soft today, did you notice?" Hindi ko namalayan ang paglapit sa akin ni Ate Milan pero hindi ko siya nilingon, nanatili akong nakatitig sa papalayong sasakyan ni Daddy.

"He was like his usual self, you mean…" I chuckled a bit, remembering how he couldn't stop reminding us right manners while at the dining table earlier, like before.

He was his usual self earlier. Ganoong-ganoon siya noong nabubuhay pa si Mommy, ganoon pa rin naman siya hanggang ngayon pero iyong kanina, pakiramdam ko, iyong dating Daddy namin ang kasama namin sa hapag.

The way how he softly scolded us over loudly talking while eating, how he scolded us over the left foods on our plate, telling there were unfortunate people who couldn't afford to eat once a day and how he reminded us how to properly act at the dining table.

"Are you forgetting the right manners I've taught you, ladies?"

Nagkatinginan kami ni Ate Milan dahil sa sinabi ni Daddy at saka parehong mabilis na umayos ng upo, tumikhim at nagpigil ng ngiti.

Ayaw ko na rin pang isipin kung bakit pinili niyang dito mag-breakfast sa bahay ngayon kasabay namin gayong madalas ay hindi siya sumasabay, ang mahalaga, nakasabay namin siya.

All of his absence, it all paid off with just one breakfast.

"It's all because of what you said last night, you just don't know how he rattled the maids and even ordered Doctor Kamil to quickly come here after you fainted. You were too unconscious to even be aware how he carefully held you and brought you to your room. Last night, he was the same loving father we had before, last night, he was Daddy… before Mommy d-died."

Hindi ako gumalaw nang maramdaman ko ang marahang pagyakap sa akin ni Ate Milan, hinawakan niya ang ulo ko at dinala sa dibdib niya habang hinahaplos ng isang palad niya ang braso ko. Her warm embrace brought me a calming peace, caressing my heart and putting my mind on some sort of calmness.

Masakit na dahil sa mga nangyari noon, pati si Ate Milan ay kinailangang magdusa sa pagpaparusa ni Daddy sa sarili niya. I got out of the misery, they had done everything for me to get better before but I failed to see their miseries.

Humikbi ako sa dibdib ng Ate ko at hinayaang ang mga braso kong yakapin siya pabalik habang ipinapangako ko sa sarili kong aayusin ko ang lahat, ang pamilyang ito.

"And I'm w-working to bring him back to stay with us f-forever."

I was in the middle of rebuilding myself and fixing what was broken in me, and for as long as there were people in my life who were left unclarified, the process wouldn't be done.

There were people who had hurt me and betrayed me, forgiveness might take place but it would take long enough before I could finally accept that people could really have the tendency to hurt me, even people who I had treated nicely.

Hindi ako mabait, tulad nga ng sabi ko, I had so many flaws and dark shades as a human, I understood that I was not an exemption from getting hurt but what really blew me up was the fact that someone I had thought of so nicely betrayed me.

Nice people could also afford to hurt other people.

Jackson Wesley was such a nice and kind man, he was the kind of person I wouldn't seriously think who could do ill things to people. Kaya nga kahit ginawa na niya, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala.

I was looking for reasons to understand him. Naisip kong baka nasaktan siya dahil hindi pa man siya nag-aalok ng friendship ay agad ko na siyang pinagsarhan ng pinto, I just thought, I offended him so he got mad at me. Pero sapat bang reason iyon para gawin niya sa akin iyon?

"I heard from Hobi that Taehyung's parents managed to convince that guy in glasses' parents not to file a case, in exchange, Taehyung should apologize. Hindi biro ang ginawa niya, the guy's at the hospital with a lot of bruises."

I was surprised Jackson's parents agreed not to file a case against Taehyung for what the weird guy did to their son. Nakita nilang halos patayin na nito ang anak nila kagabi pero naisip ko ring ma-impluwensiya ang mga magulang ni Taehyung, hindi rin naman papayag ang mga itong makulong ang anak nila.

I wanted to get mad at Jackson, for what he did to me, but I couldn't help but feel pathetic for him. He was smart, I believed he wouldn't do such thing over just a petty reason so I thought, it was about something deeper.

Maybe I had really done something bad to him, something bad for him to do me in a very very bad and dirty way.

Dinampot ko ang kulay puti kong sling bag na nasa kama ko para isuot na bago ko nilingon si Ate Milan na nakatayo sa may pinto ng kuwarto ko, sinuklay ko ang mahaba kong buhok pagkatapos, nakalugay lang ito at malayang nakakalat sa likod ko tulad ng nakagawian.

My pair of flesh colored cami top and denim tight jeans felt so comfortable for me but the internal turmoil inside me made me feel otherwise.

Kung may ibang daan lang para matapos na ang lahat ng ito, kung puwede ko lang talikuran ang lahat at takasan ay ginawa ko na pero hindi ako matatahimik hangga't hindi ako naliliwanagan sa lahat ng mga nangyari. Kaya kahit na hindi ko gustong makita si Jackson, kailangan ko siyang maka-usap.

"You're seriously friends with that guy, S? Haven't thought you hanging around with him…" Bumuntong-hininga siya saka umayos ng tayo. "I didn't mean it as a bad way, okay? He seemed nice for me, it's just that, I didn't think Jimin would have seriously let you hang out with other guys."

Hindi si Ate Milan iyong tipo ng taong nagbibigay kaagad ng judgement sa isang tao, pero hindi ko rin naman siya masisisi dahil hindi kami pareho basta-basta nakikisama sa ibang tao.

Lumaki kaming dalawa na tanging ang Parks at Drewfords lang ang family friends namin. Highschool na kasi nang dumating sa buhay namin ang BTS, we all met at Lakeshore's Academy, with Jimin as our mutual friend.

Ate Milan couldn't really just say that Jimin didn't do anything about me hanging out with the geek, hell had seriously broken loose when he fired me up at the locker's area that time.

"You just don't know how he got mad at me for hanging out with Jackson…" Humina ang boses ko sa huling salita dahil naalala ko ang ibinigay ni Jimin na parusa sa akin noon dahil kay Jackson.

Thinking of it, it was our negligence and recklessness that was caught in the video. Iyon iyong eksaktong mga pangyayaring nakunan ni Jackson sa video at nakakatawa lang dahil si Jackson din ang dahilan kung bakit kami humantong ni Jimin sa ganoon.

Wow, I would clap my hands for all the silly things that happened in my life involving such people that would have never crossed my mind at all.

"Be honest with me, S. Is Jimin courting you already?" tanong ni Ate Milan na nakapagpatigil sa akin.

I unbelievably stared at her beautiful form at the threshold in her cozy pair of white hanging shirt and cotton short, seeing how ridiculous her question was. Sa hitsura niya sa suot niya, mukhang wala siyang balak na lumabas ng bahay ngayon. It was Saturday, maybe it was her day off from her internship at U.Co., I didn't know if she had a date with Kuya Hoseok pero mukhang wala.

Hindi ako makapaniwalang itinatanong niya sa akin iyan, na para bang iyon ang pinaka-logical na pangyayaring dapat na mangyari ngayon.

I hardly bit my lower lip to suppress myself from laughing, reminding myself that my sister was of a conservative and very reserved kind. Siyempre hindi niya maiintindihan kung sasabihin ko sa kaniyang hindi uso sa amin ni Jimin ang ligawan dahil mas malala pa roon ang mga nagawa na namin.

She didn't need to know that. I would have to bury that secret deep down the ground, untouched forever.

"Ilang weeks na iyang tiyan mo?" balik-tanong ko, obvious na iniiba ang usapan.

Mabilis na gumuhit ang matamis na ngiti sa mga labi ni Ate Milan, napahawak siya sa tiyan niyang sumisilip sa suot niyang hanging shirt, it was still very flat and no signs of a precious life inside.

I was surprised how one mention of her baby could bring a sweet smile and happy face to her, her appearance suddenly bloomed in my eyes as I watched her.

Ilang taon na silang mag-boyfriend-girlfriend ni Kuya Hoseok, hindi ko naman sinasabing sa tagal na nila ay wala pa ring nangyayari sa kanila pero hindi ko rin naman inaasahang magiging ganito sila kapabaya. Again, a baby was a blessing… yes, but if it was expected. It could be a destruction from all of what you had dreamed of for the future, if it arrived out of negligence.

Kapag lumaki na ang tiyan ni Ate Milan, paniguradong hindi na siya makakapagpatuloy sa pag-aaral. And as if I would let her, sa bahay lang siya at magpapahinga, I was sure, ganoon din ang gugustuhin ni Kuya Hoseok. Her dreams would be set aside for the baby inside her, her responsibilities and priorities would change all for the sake of the baby.

Hindi rin naman masama iyon pero paano ang mga pangarap ni Ate? Saka na lang? Magkakaroon pa ba siya ng oras para roon kapag nanganak na siya?

I was willing to carry Jimin's baby for sure but not now, I still had so much things to do and being a mother at such a young age wasn't included.

"The first time Hobi took me to a checkup, the doctor said I was fifteen weeks pregnant," masayang sagot ni Ate Milan, banayad na hinahaplos ang tiyan niya.

"Four months and your stomach is still very small, is that normal?" Naglakad na ako palapit sa kaniya kaya agad naman siyang gumilid para makalabas ako ng kuwarto dahil naghihintay na sa akin si Jimin sa labas ng mansiyon.

I called the brute right after I found out that Jackson was in the hospital and Taehyung was almost put behind the bars. Marami kaming kailangang klaruhin ni Jimin mula kay Jackson, we had so much things to talk about so my insides would be put in peace.

Hindi ako matatahimik hangga't hindi ko nakaka-usap si Jackson, marinig mula mismo sa kaniya ang totoo at ang mga dahilan kung bakit niya ginawa sa amin iyon. Wala rin sa plano ko na idemanda siya dahil mas palalakihin ko lang ang gulo kapag ginawa ko iyon.

They would ask questions and I didn't want anything to come out.

Ganoon din naman ang gusto ni Jimin, the reason why I had decided we would talk with Jackson together 'cause I couldn't be assured that Jimin wouldn't turn brute-mode to Jackson. Marunong magpigil si Jimin kapag kasama ako kaya mas mabuti na ang ganito.

Baka kasi hindi na si Taehyung ang kasuhan ng mga magulang ni Jackson, baka si Jimin na.

"Rare case but very normal, the doctor said my baby's showing a sign of being a small baby so there's nothing to worry about. Binigyan naman niya ako ng mga vitamins at nag-recommend ng mga pagkaing makakatulong sa size development ng baby ko," mahabang paliwanag niya habang sinusundan niya ako pababa ng hagdan.

"Weird, you're tall, and so does Kuya Hoseok. Kanino naman magmamana sa liit iyang baby—"

"Puwede namang hindi kami ang pagmanahan ni baby Sei, S. It could be you and Daddy, or whoever from Hobi's family."

Kumunot ang noo ko dahil parang may ipinaparating siya roon kaya mabilis akong humarap sa kaniya, nakahawak ako sa railings para hindi ako malaglag at masama ang tinging tinitigan siya.

"I'm not short!" inis kong sabi.

She chuckled as she continued carefully walking, passing me. "I didn't say anything. Possibilities lang ang mga iyon."

"Baby Sei? Is the baby's gender's identified already?" Tumakbo ako pababa ng hagdan para maabutan siya dahil nakababa na siya agad, medyo confused sa pangalang ibinigay niya sa baby niya.

Baby Sei seemed to be a name for a baby boy.

"Nope. It's still too early to see but I'm assuming he's a baby boy. He'll be called Seiko when he arrived, Seiko Jung."

Surely, I wouldn't understand how my sister felt because I wasn't in her shoes. Nagiging weird na siya sa paningin ko na alam ko namang dulot ng pagbubuntis niya pero parang natatakot na ako sa mga puwede pang mangyari sa oras na mas lumaki pa ang tiyan niya.

I hoped, she wouldn't end up like those weird and annoying pregnant women I always saw from television with unpredictable mood swings and silly food cravings.

"What about Daddy? Did he get mad?" Huminto kami pareho nang marating namin ang nakabukas na main door, kita mula sa loob ang malawak at mahabang driveway ng Urduja Mansion.

Sumandal siya sa pinto saka ako nilingon, malungkot na ang mga mata at wala na ang bakas ng ngiti mula sa mga labi niya kanina. She didn't need to answer me anymore 'cause I got it already.

"I planned to tell him during the dinner last night, plus that's what Hobi planned to do also but the dinner ended earlier than expected…" bagsak ang mga balikat na sabi niya. "Hindi ko alam kung magkakaroon pa ba ako ng lakas ng loob na sabihin kay Dad."

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya saka marahang pinisil para iparamdam sa kaniyang hindi siya mag-isa. I would be by her side this time and would go with her all through out her pregnancy. That didn't sound so nice and good but for my sister, I would take it.

Titiisin ko ang bawat mga pagbabago sa ugali niya, ang bawat pagbabago ng panlasa niya at ang lahat ng mga puwede pang mangyari.

"We'll tell him."

Sa pagkakataong ito, ako naman ang humila sa kaniya para yakapin siya katulad nang ipinaramdam niya sa akin kanina. We both had something we were both afraid to tell Daddy, because we loved him, his response and reaction would seriously matter.

Hindi ko rin mapigilang ma-guilty dahil ako ang dahilan kung bakit maagang natapos ang dinner kagabi, kahit na hindi nangyari sina Taehyung at Jackson, everyone would have wondered where Jungkook had gone since he was one of the reason why such meeting happened.

Matitigil pa rin ng maaga dinner dahil kay Jungkook.

Parehong naagaw ang atensyon namin ni Ate Milan ng tumunog ang kumikinang na pulang sasakyan sa harap ng mansiyon na tila nagpapapansin.

My eye brows immediately furrowed, remembering his white Aston Martin that was now traded with a red BMW shining under the heat strike of the sun, my heart thumping so loud it hurt upon seeing his very gorgeous form leaning on his car and my stomach flipping insects again when my eyes found his small ones hiding behind the darkness of his shade.

Really, who wouldn't fall for that handsome face?

Pakiramdam ko, paulit-ulit akong nahuhulog sa kaniya. Hindi iyon maganda dahil ayaw ko na muna ng kahit na anong distraction ngayon mula sa daan ko patungo sa pag-aayos ng pamilya namin, hindi kahit siya.

For as much as I wanted him forever, the time now couldn't just allow it.

The brute looked too gorgeous in his pair of denim jacket and black tattered jeans, his black hair equally parted in the middle showing his disrespectful forehead as his eyes were covered with black shades and his white skin glittered under the sun.

Balak niya yatang mag-sunbathing tutal summer naman, at talagang makakatikim siya sa akin kung magkaka-sunburn siya. Sinabi ko sa kaniya kanina nang tumawag siya na pumasok siya at dumiretso na sa kuwarto ko pero nang malaman niyang patapos na ako ay sinabi niyang sa labas na siya maghihintay.

He sweetly smiled at me but I just rolled my eyes at him. Inalis niya ang suot niyang shades at cool na isinabit sa neckline ng suot niya.

"Your man's so handsome, S. You should seriously watch out for him, you know too well how close he is to beautiful girls," natatawang sabi ni Ate Milan nang pakawalan ko siya, nakatitig din siya kay Jimin na hanggang ngayon ay nandoon pa rin. Though I couldn't argue with her about that undeniable fact.

My relationship with Jimin was in a lot of threats but not because he might screw up with other girls but because girls would be willing to kill just to be where I was. In that case, I would be willing to raise hell if someone would ever try to take him away from me but not now, I could fight but not now that I was choosing to help my Daddy first.

Marami na akong nasaktan sa buhay na ito. I had hurt people even without knowing it, I had made their lives miserable or maybe, I had unknowingly made them feel like they were uncared for or unimportant just like how I had unknowingly set my father aside because I was a self-centered brat.

I only knew how to watch out for myself, I got caught up with my own life and fell in love with how it turned. At ang hirap, sobrang hirap sa loob na nagagawa ko pa ring maging masaya sa kabila ng lahat ng mga nagawa ko, sa mga taong nasaktan ko at nasasaktan ko, so just for the fairness, I would stop being happy for a while.

And that meant, pulling Jimin out of my life for until I finally be able to forgive myself and Daddy.

Isa pa, I was ruined. My emotional status was not very stable, even my mentality. Hangga't hindi ko naayos ang gulo sa pagitan namin ni Daddy, sa pamilyang ito, hindi ako matatahimik. My mentality, being driven by my own emotions, it wouldn't settle very well 'cause they were both ruined.

What I had been doing with Jimin was one strong evident how corrupted my mind was. Alam ko sa sarili kong mali ang mga ginagawa namin ni Jimin, pero dahil magulo ang estado ng emosyon ko, hindi ko kayang tumanggi at itigil ang lahat.

My ruined self was too weak for him, and I also needed a resolution. In order to do that, I would fix Daddy first, and my relationship with him.

Yes, I was choosing Daddy over Jimin, I had decided and it was for real.

Tulad nga ng sabi ko, iyon sa amin ni Jimin, hindi iyon kailangang madaliin. Yes, it scared me to lose him, I would probably never take it if he would choose to leave me but I would never going to lose him, he wouldn't be leaving me, we would just delay what we were having now just to spare room for my personal issues in life.

I didn't want him involved, I didn't want him to distract me and I didn't want to continuously have an internal turmoil over who had the most part of my heart among him and Daddy. Walang lamang pero ang panahong ito ay hindi na makakapaghintay pa na matukoy ko kung sino ang dapat na mas pagtuunan ko ng pansin sa kanilang dalawa.

I loved them both but the time and the circumstances just couldn't allow me to have both.

"He knows more than flirts with other girls, Ate M. You saw how he treasured me but you should see how is he as a boyfriend…" A small smile appeared from my lips when Jimin slowly stood straight from leaning on his car, his hands smoothly having their way inside his pockets and his lips also pulling up for a wider smile.

His dark circles disappeared from my sight with how his cheekbones rose, slight wrinkles showing by the sides of his small eyes as his beautiful whites peeked from his cherry plump lips.

Damn it, how could I hurt him if I would never love that smile to disappear?

My beautiful Prince down there was waiting for me.

"Boyfriend, hm. Sure, took you long enough."

Hindi na ako sumagot sa sinabi ni Ate Milan dahil nilapitan ko na si Jimin. I knew that every steps I made, every careful hit of the sole of my rubber shoes to the solid ground corresponding with the only remaining time we had.

Nakaka-guilty na nakangiti siya ngayon, sobrang guwapo sa paningin ko pero kakailanganin kong saktan siya. I was also done asking whoever about how my life had turned like this. I was so done, honestly.

Quickly smelling his scent when I got near him, I let him when his arms quickly found their way around my waist, gently pulling me closer, not even afraid if Ate Milan would see us as I middled my arms in between us. I let myself be vulnerable again with him, for the last time, just until I broke to him what I planned to do.

Napapikit ako nang agad kong maramdaman ang malalambot niyang mga labi sa akin, ang mga kamay ko ay agad na kumapit sa suot niyang denim jacket pero tila may sariling isip ang mga labi ko dahil kusang kumilos ang mga ito para halikan siya pabalik.

My body, my lips and my heart were allies while my mind was left alone educating them all about what was right.

Wala na rin akong paki-alam pa kung pinapanood kami ni Ate Milan ngayon, kahit na may mga CCTV cameras sa kabuuan ng mansyon at possible ring pinapanood na kami ng mga security guards na nasa headquarter at kahit na may ilang mga tauhan ang nagpapapalaboy-laboy sa buong residence dahil muli na naman niyang sinakop ang buong sistema ko.

I would let him have me again, hold me and kiss me 'cause this might be the last… this might be the last time we would be this very close to each other.

"Remember what I told you the other last night, east?" He shortly pulled away but he remained holding me tight, his arms locked around the small part of my backside while his chest was drumming so quick against my arms.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango dahil hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang lahat ng mga sinasabi niya sa akin. My hands that were clutching his denim jacket loosening, I also felt my heart already hurting for what was about to come our way.

Hindi na ibang tao ang kalaban namin dito, hindi na si Daddy, hindi na si Jungkook, at hindi na rin si Jackson. They were just a variable in this messy life I had, they were all just a knock-up for me so that I could finally face the real struggle of my life.

It was myself.

My mother's death didn't ruin my family, it didn't ruin my father. It was me who did… my vulnerability did so I would take responsibility.

"Good, 'cause I won't go easy on them anymore. Fvck life, I love you so much I'd rather lose a friend." His raspy voice made my heart hurt even more as his breath fanned my face.

It was funny how he could bravely fight for this relationship I was about to set aside, it was funny how he was very determined to go on to this when I had been very weak to stay and hold him still.

Gusto kong umiyak dahil sa sinabi niya. He openly told me how he loved me and here I was, planning to hurt him even though I loved him so much too.

Paano ko sasabihin sa kaniyang hindi na si Daddy o Jungkook ang kalaban namin dito? Paano ko sasabihin sa kaniyang ako na mismo ang gustong itigil na muna namin ito?

Just why would we have to be hopeless like this? Just why couldn't we just be happy and be with each other? Just why couldn't I just be happy at all? Just why?

"Don't b-be like that, west. I hate Jungkook but I wouldn't want you to lose a… a friend like him." Pinigilan ko ang umiyak. Hindi ko yata kakayanin kung dahil sa akin ay tuluyan nang masisira ang pagkakaibigan nina Jungkook at Jimin.

I was about to let him go, and he would need his friends to be there with him after.

Muli niyang nilapit sa akin ang mukha niya. He again kissed me that lasted so fast for me though it almost made us both breathless, his lips felt so soft and very familiar on mine… I was sure, I would miss being kissed by him.

Being kissed by my Jimin Park.

I would surely miss him holding me this tight, I would miss how he could always make me feel very special and very cared about.

I'll miss him.