Chapter Thirty-nine

Yes, I was hurting. Wala na yata talagang katapusan ito.

Nilisan ko ang mesa namin ni Jimin habang proud na proud siya na ipakilala ako sa lahat, iniwan ko siya roon habang malaki ang tiwala niyang hinding-hindi na kami masisira pa. At sa ginawa kong iyon, hindi lang ang puso ko ang nabasag, pakiramdam ko, kasama kong tinalikuran at iniwan ang mundo ko kay Jimin.

Sa bilis ng paglalakad ko habang nakayuko at abala pa rin sa pagpupunas ng mga pisngi kong hindi pa rin natutuyo dahil sa mga luha kong walang tigil, ay hindi ko na magawang humingi ng tawad sa mga taong nababangga ko.

I just wanted to go far away from here as soon as possible, 'cause I was afraid, if I would ever go back or just look back, I would just change my mind and throw away all the decision I bravely made.

Masakit na, pero hindi ako aabot sa ganito kung ganoon kadali lang pa lang magbabago ang isip ko.

"Aray! Ano ba, tumingin ka naman sa dinadaanan mo, Miss!"

Hindi ko na nilingon pa ang nabunggo kong iyon, diretso lang ang lakad ko sa kung saan, ang tanging gusto ko lang talaga ay ang makalayo sa lugar na ito. Pakiramdam ko, tinatakbuhan ko iyong sakit na nararamdaman ko pero hindi ko magawa dahil nakadikit ito sa akin, malakas ang kapit.

"Miss, I'm sorry for what she did, excuse me. East, Hannan! Fvck!"

My heart, that was now shattered, still freaking managed to flirtatiously leaped upon hearing his raspy voice call for me. Sa timbre ng boses niya, halatang hindi siya nalalayo sa akin kaya mas binilisan ko pa ang paglalakad.

Halos lakad-takbo na ang ginagawa ko kaya halos mapamura ako nang maramdaman ko ang malambot at malamig niyang kamay na biglang humawak sa braso ko. I shrieked loudly when he strongly pulled me that almost made me bump to his hard muscular chest, his scent once again reuniting with my nose. Kahit ang buhok kong nakalugay ay sumama sa paraan ng paghila niya sa akin.

"Bitawan mo ako, Jimin." Pumiglas ako sa hawak niya, nakayuko at pinipigilang humikbi.

Imbis na sundin ang gusto ko ay hinuli niya ang mukha ko at pinilit akong iharap sa kaniya. From the way his shaking and cold palms cradled my face, it was as if he was afraid to do something that would trigger something in me. Ang mga daliri niya ay mabagal na humahaplos sa magkabilang pisngi ko, marahan at sobrang lambot.

I just wanted to close my eyes and sink into his arms, away from all the pain my heart had been sheltering.

"I said let me g-go…" Nabasag ang boses ko pero bago pa man niya makita ang pamamasang muli ng mga mata ko ay hinawi ko na ang mga braso niya.

When I succeeded, I then let my palms land on his chest and lamely pushed him. Ni hindi man lang siya gumalaw o umigtad dahil sa panghihina ng mga braso ko.

"Hannan, you're fvcking scaring me. Please, don't do this…" he said in a low raspy voice, his beautiful voice reminded me of how he perfectly sang the beautiful song earlier, in which he openly showed me the content of his heart.

All of it screamed me, my name and all of me.

"I'm s-sorry, please, don't make this hard for me, Jimin. P-Please… let me g-go." Umatras ako sa kaniya, nananakit na ang lalamunan ko dahil sa pagpipigil na humikbi. Ayaw kong dito gawin iyon, ayaw kong sa harap niya gawin iyon dahil mas mahihirapan lang akong paniwalain siyang kailangan ko na munang itigil ang kung anong mayroon kami.

"What the fvck are you saying? You were just fine awhile ago, Hannan, we were just fine! Is it because I fvcking shamelessly sang in front of many people? You didn't like it? Tell me." His frustrated tone ended in a soft and pleading tone.

Hindi iyon ang dahilan! He was actually very perfect earlier, he was so freaking handsome and very thoughtful, I almost freaking gave up needing space!

"S-Space… I n-need space, Jimin. Space f-from you—"

"Fvck space, I won't let you go!" He growled angrily that made me flinch in my ground, it brought me into carelessly letting a sudden loud sob escape my throat and more tears spring from my eyes. "Fvck, fvck, I'm sorry. I'm not mad, I'm sorry, Hannan."

Muli akong umatras nang tangkain niya akong hawakan ulit. I bravely raised my head as my watery eyes immediately met his dark circles, now shaded with fear and worry. Pinayagan ko na rin ang mga hikbi kong kumawala na nagpa-awang ng mga labi niya.

"You'll let me go, J-Jimin. You can't keep me when I need space from you, you'll just suffocate me. Please, huwag nang m-matigas ang ulo…" Halos magmaka-awa na ako sa kaniyang pagbigyan ako.

"You said that as if you were just fvcking asking me to fvcking let you eat junk foods…"

It was hard to deny that the pain that quickly crossed his pair of dark circles brought millions of needles to hit my soft heart for him but my mind was being hard and mean again, sticking to what I had planned. Kung magpadala ako sa mga nararamdaman namin pareho, mas masisira lang kami.

I wanted a happy relationship with him, maybe not perfect, but happy and healthy. Hindi ko gustong habang-buhay kong dadalhin ang guilt na nararamdaman ko dahil sa ginawa ko kay Daddy, at hindi rin magiging healthy ang relasyon namin ni Jimin kung magulo ang nararamdaman ko.

I needed a fix, in myself, within myself.

"I said what I said. I need space, f-from you, from this r-relationship. Leave me alone and let me go—you don't h-have to… to hold me all the freaking time!" I panicked when the soft and cold palm of his fingers caressed my arm when he tried to reach me to hold me again.

"You want me to leave you alone? Until when? Until we both don't know? East, we're just starting! I can't let you go! Please, don't do this."

Now, it was undeniable.

He freely let his eyes again reveal his emotions. That gorgeous pair of dark circles he possessed only went to waste being filled painful tears, though I would say, they still held beauty like no one. Only his eyes could always make me feel drowned and very swept off my feet and very blown away.

Bigo niyang isinuklay ang kamay niya sa buhok niya saka muling nalaglag sa akin ang mga mata niya, tumitig siya sa akin na para bang hindi na niya kayang intindihin pa ang gusto kong mangyari.

Nasa gitna kami pareho ng daan, may iilan nang napapalingon dahil sa maliit na eksenang ginagawa namin pero wala na akong panahon pa para pansinin sila.

I needed to end the night now.

"Until we both don't know, Jimin. Until time gives us chance, until time finally favours the both of us, but for now, I freaking need space from you and you will freaking give me that." Tumalim ang tono ng boses ko saka ko muling itinulak siya at tumalikod na. I freaking mentally swore when I again felt his touch, this time, not on my arms but around my waist. I loudly gasped, my body immediately being pulled to his body when he quickly turned me around.

Damn this guy! Touching me all over again!

"Jimin, ano ba—"

"You fvcking expect me to follow you? Fvck, I love you but that doesn't mean I'll fvcking go easy on you!" galit niyang sabi bago niya ako marahas na hinalikan, sa gitna ng maraming tao.

Dapat noon pa lang inisip ko nang hindi magiging madali ang kumbinsihin siya. Tama nga siyang inasahan kong susundin niya ang gusto ko at hindi na ako pahihirapan pa, pero nakalimutan kong si Jimin Park nga pala siya.

He wouldn't really just let me go, he wouldn't really make this easy for me.

What Jimin Park wants, he gets.

Feeling his soft lips on mine, carefully yet harshly caressing as if desperately trying to send away all of my thoughts from my mind so that it was him the only thing I could think of, I unwillingly and forcefully pulled my head back and freed my lips from his desperate ones.

My eyes immediately poured painful tears again when he softly held my face and chased after my lips to kiss me again, my heart bled upon seeing waters already streaming down his cheeks behind my blurry vision and it felt like my world crumbled down, feeling how his lips quivered against mine.

"J-Jimin…" I shortly pulled away only to get pulled back, his lips just wouldn't let me go, it swallowed mine in a demanding and conquering kiss once more.

I was hurting him again, and just no one knew how painful it was for me, that if only I could just take all the pain alone then I was willing to cradle his pain for him. I was freaking willing to be the one hurting all for him.

"S-Stop kissing m-me, please…" I managed to say in between his sweet kisses, lamely letting his soft lips trap mine over and over again.

"N-No, you're planning to leave me, and I can't let that happen. No one's fvcking leaving!"

I just cried harder when he kissed me harder, my fists flying to his chest to lamely hit him but my internal parts were left all wanting him and all of his assault to my vulnerability and fragility.

Hindi ko na yata kaya. Hindi ko na yata kayang makitang nasasaktan siya.

"I… I'm n-not leaving. Fine, fine, I'm not l-leaving you, I just want to help my Daddy get moving from being stuck with the p-past, I'll heal him first."

There. There I said it, I had said why I needed space from him.

"Yes, yes you're leaving. Ngayon pa lang kita tuluyang naaangkin, east. Huwag naman g-ganito. I'd rather get hurt all throughout this relationship than lose you. I'm willing t-to help you heal your Daddy—"

Umiling-iling ako na ikinatigil niya ngunit nanatiling hawak pa rin ang pisngi ko. We were too damn fvcked up to even mind people stopping on their tracks to watch us, we just didn't care about anything or anyone anymore 'cause we were already trapped in our own world. And we had something very serious going on.

"Heal myself first, west. I'm ruined, and I don't wanna be unfair with you. You deserve so much more of me, not this, not me at this state." Mahina na lang ang kinalabasan ng boses ko dahil napapagod na akong makipagtalo sa kaniya.

If being true to him about myself was what could make him understand why I was doing this, then I would tell him truth.

Lumamlam ang mga mata niyang nilulunod na ang mga mata ko sa lalim ng mga ito saka niya ako hinila para yakapin. Banayad niyang isinandal ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya at ikinulong ako sa mahigpit niyang yakap.

Mukhang hindi ko pa rin siya nako-convince.

"I love you for all that you are, Hannan. Every bit of you, every you, even you at whatever state or condition. I love you so much, so please, don't do this anymore…"

Pumikit ako na siyang naging daan nang muling paglaya ng mga luha ko kasabay ng panibagong mga hikbi. "But I can't love you with my ruined self. Why can't you get it? It's h-hurting me! And I'll just probably hurt you too! I don't want that… I d-don't want." Binasa na ng mga luha ko ang suot niyang denim pero wala pa ring tigil ang mga ito.

"Hannan—"

"And I'm not breaking up with you… I just need space. Please, if you truly love me, you won't make this hard for me anymore."

Naramdaman ko ang mas paghigpit pa ng yakap niya sa akin, alam kong nasasaktan din siya pero mas magiging madali para sa amin kung susubukan niyang intindihin ang sitwasyon.

Hindi naman ako mawawala sa kaniya. Hindi naman ako aalis at lalayo, bubuo lang kami ng distansya sa pagitan namin. Bibigyan lang din niya ako ng oras at panahon para ayusin ang sarili ko para sa ikagaganda ng mga relasyon ko sa mga taong mahal ko, kasama siya roon at ang relasyon namin.

"I love you so much—"

Pinutol ko ang sinasabi niya sa mariing tinig. "Then I want my space, give me my space."

Quickly running down the staircase, excited, I ignored when Ate Milan called me from behind to remind me to be careful. Mas binilisan ko pa ang pagbaba dahil excited na akong makita ang bagong dating.

I had been waiting for her ever since she told me she wanted to spare the remaining days of summer break here at Urduja Mansion. Kung hindi nga lang siya na-stuck sa shopping escapade nila ni Tita Sammie kahapon ay kahapon pa sana siya bumiyahe patungo rito.

Successfully, nakababa naman ako ng hagdan nang hindi nadadapa dahil sa bilis ng takbo ko. Good thing, Daddy was in the office so he wasn't here to remind me, I was actually planning to visit him today and invite him to lunch.

"Miranda!"

Napangiti ako ng malapad nang makita ko ang napakagandang imahe niyang papasok ng main door, sa likod niya ay ang isang kasambahay dala-dala ang kulay pula niyang duffel bag na nagsusumigaw ng isang sikat na brand. It had those twin stripes snakes all around and obviously, an animal skin made leather.

The beautiful lady was in a gorgeous pair of bloody tube top, sexily revealing her flat tummy with a black leather jacket that she matched with a black tattered jeans. Her feet were clad with red stilettos. Though unmatched with her overall appearance, her hair in a messy bun, it didn't make her less beautiful. If any, it just added on her oozing appeal.

Her appearance screamed independence and power, though in reality, her personality spoke softness and sweetness. She was the very best epitome of a 21st century woman, strong, feminine and independent.

"S, you're acting like you didn't see her for a decade!" Mula sa likod ay narinig kong muli ang boses ni Ate Milan kasunod ang mga mararahan niyang mga yapak.

"Something's probably wrong with her…" natatawang sabi ni Mira na nagpaubaya rin naman nang dambahin ko siya ng yakap, tila idinuduyan ako sa pagtulog ng malambot niyang boses. The lady had always had a voice sounded like a lullaby, her voice could make any heart dance in comfort and softness.

"You made it sound like I didn't really miss you." Ngumuso ako saka ipinatong sa balikat niya ang baba ko, ibinuhos ko rin ang buong bigat ko sa kaniya.

She held my shoulder and gently pulled me away from tightly hugging her. A sweet smiled appeared on her red tinted lips as she softly put strands of my hair away from my face so she could see my face clearer.

"Of course, you do but it's also clear that you're not fine—"

"I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" Bago pa man makita ni Mira ang pilit kong itinatago pero hindi magawa ng mga mata ko ay tinalikuran ko na siya.

Surely, people would need to dive into the deepness of my eyes first to finally see what was hidden behind my pair of glassy dark circles, it would need more effort for anyone to recognize every damn emotions they catered but not for people most important and precious to me, it wouldn't take them heights.

Hindi ko alam kung sadyang ipinapakita lang ng mga mata ko ang nilalaman nito sa mga piling tao o baka sadyang malambot lang ako sa mga ito kaya hindi ko magawang itago ang totoong nararamdaman ko mula sa kanila.

"I've been asking Jimin, and the poor guy just told me that nothing's wrong when clearly, there is. Did you fight?"

I sighed deeply and stopped dead on my tracks when Ate Milan finally reached us.

Nakahalukipkip siya at kahit naman hindi masungit ang hitsura niya ay parang ipinaparamdam niya sa aking hindi siya tatanggap ng parehong sagot katulad ng kay Jimin mula sa akin.

Naramdaman ko ang paggalaw ni Mira na nasa likod kaya mayamaya lang ay dumaan na siya sa gilid ko at huminto sa tabi ni Ate Milan, ang mga nagtatakang mga mata ay agad nahanap ang akin.

"Inaway mo?" Miranda asked, she made it sound like it was the only possible reason.

Sumimangot ako dahil bukod sa hindi ko iyon kayang ikaila, alam ko ring madalas ngang mangyari ang ganoon. Nag-iwas na lang ako ng tingin saka muling nagpakawala ng malalim na buntong-hininga. Hindi rin naman kasi nila maiintindihan kung sasabihin ko sa kanila.

Idadamay ko lang sila sa problema ko.

"Umakyat ka na nga sa guest room, Miranda. I'll just prepare lunch for Daddy and then we'll go."

Hindi ko na hinintay pang makasagot siya dahil nagmartsa na ako papuntang kusina, ang mga paa kong nababalutan ng pares ng indoor slippers ko ay desperadong lumilikha ng mabibigat na hakbang.

"I don't know anymore. Jimin as her boyfriend doesn't really sound so great but I can't also deny that the guy is guaranteed, he won't ever hurt my sister."

"What? Sila ba?!" Miranda's soft voice quivered in shock.

"Unfortunately, yes—" Natigilan si Ate Milan nang mabilis ko silang nilingon ni Mira at masama ang tinging tinitigan ko siya. "I mean, fortunately, fortunately, yes!"

Siya na ang naghatid kay Mira patungo sa guest room at nagpatuloy na ako sa kusina. Kanina ay tumawag na ako sa U.Co. office, sa mismong landline ni Daddy dahil hindi niya sinasagot ang mga tawag ko sa phone niya. I just guessed that he was busy so I just called his office landline. Secretary niya ang nakasagot at tama nga akong busy si Daddy kaya hindi niya masagot ang calls ko. He was in a meeting, but I told his secretary that I would visit him at lunch.

I was also very happy when I found out that Daddy's lunch time was free.

With a little, oh my bad, I meant a lot of help from Manang Percy and yaya Mia again, I prepared a proper meal for Daddy. Naisip kong isasama ko nga pala si Mira kaya dinamihan ko na, Ate Milan wouldn't be going with us because she had a lot of weird indoor plans with her baby Daddy for today.

The pregnant woman was finally banned from going out, order had come both from Daddy and Kuya Hoseok. Telling Daddy about her pregnancy wasn't easy, but I was there and most importantly, Kuya Hoseok was there.

Hindi ko makakalimutan kung paanong matapang na hinarap ni Kuya Hoseok si Daddy kahit na halos hindi na mahitsura ang mukha niya nang dumating siya rito, my sister's poor baby Daddy was very scared but he still bravely faced Daddy and committed with his responsibility, even promised my Daddy to take good care of his family… my sister and their baby.

Somehow, unintentionally, I felt envious of them.

Kung tutuusin mas mabigat pa ang problemang kinaharap nila kumpara sa kinakaharap namin ni Jimin ngayon, pero hindi naman sa bigat ng problema nasusukat iyon. Their problem maybe a lot much heavier and more difficult than us, but my problem with Jimin was a lot more complicated, it was about having so much people at risk… I didn't want to hurt anyone.

My Daddy the most.

Daddy wasn't really very fine with my sister's condition, he got Kuya Hoseok banned from seeing my sister, that was for straight three days 'cause when the fourth day came, Kuya Hoseok had gone here, dragging his family to talk to my father. Not about marriage, our families were still very in doubt of the whole situation, talks about how the setup should be, limitations and rules for the two were compromised.

I was happy for my sister. At least, mayroon na silang setup ni Kuya Hoseok para sa baby, hindi man para sa pamilyang paniguradong bubuo-in din naman nila balang-araw, at least, in the mean time, everything in between them was settled.

Well, that was how my whole week had past after what happened between Jimin and I. I just stayed in the house, being with my sister and crying with her all throughout her frustrated and sad times. Kahit na minsan ay wala na talagang matinong reason kung bakit siya umiiyak ay nakikisakay na lang ako.

I couldn't afford to get her all whiny and annoying, isang buong gabi niya akong kinulit na kung hindi ko pa si-nearch ang Instagram account ni Jungkook para pakitaan siya ng isang old picture nito ay hindi pa siya matitigil. It was the only way Kuya Hoseok advised me to calm his pregnant girlfriend.

I had to admit, I admired Kuya Hoseok, I didn't think I would take long with her.

For awhile, just for a while, my sister managed to snatch me from thinking so much of Jimin, of what happened to us and of what he might have been doing after everything.

Masaya kaya siya? I hoped so.

Tatlong linggo na lang pasukan, mahihirapan yata ako gayong may mga bagay akong nakasanayan kasama siya noon at paniguradong hindi ko na magagawa pa. For sure, a lot would change, and I would need to adjust.

"Since when did you start practicing being a good daughter?"

Mula sa walang ganang pagi-scroll ko sa news freed ko sa IG ay tamad kong nilingon si Mira na naka-upo sa tabi ko, hawak niya rin ang phone niya at nakita ko pang puno ng mga letra ang screen noon.

She was reading again, she actually liked to read a lot. She was a bookworm, someone who could freaking stay in one place for a day with just her books or her digital books.

What she said obviously was a mock, but the tone of her voice, lulling as always just told me otherwise.

"I know I'm a bad daughter, don't remind me," sagot ko saka ibinalik na ang tingin sa phone ko dahil naaninag ko kaagad ang pagbabago ng emosyon niya.

"A lot must have happened, Hannan." Now, her tone and the content were in synced.

Sighing deeply, I leaned on the back rest. "More than you can imagine."

"Tell me…" She didn't really need to convince me to tell her 'cause the moment she inched closer to me and softly embraced me, I just found myself spilling every little things that happened the past few days… even the little dirty secret I was sharing with Jimin, all to the very end of it all.

I told her 'cause she was Mira Drewford, she was one of the people so precious to me. And what I loved most about her was she knew how to handle me when she knew I was at wrong, she was just like a big sister to me, more than a friend and a little bit less of Ate Milan, nonetheless, she also gave me more of her.

"Mali nga ang lahat ng iyon, but don't worry, I won't be slicing you into two and roast you, I'll do that to my cousin."

"Please, don't. Sobra ko na siyang sinaktan. Girls will probably chase after me with their guns, if they found out what I did to that precious man."

"Seriously, I actually thought it was my twin brother you'd end up with."

Mapait akong napangiti. "I thought so too."

Mayroong iba't ibang offices ang U-Co. sa bawat syudad pero nasa Makati ang main office kung nasaan din ang office ng CEO at ilang malalaki pang empleyado. Also, branches of U-Bank outlets and pawnshops were in different places, but only a few in rural and provincial areas.

Abala ang mga empleyado sa lobby nang makarating kami, sa likod namin ay ang si Manong Selmon na siyang may dala ng mga paper bags na naglalaman ng mga pagkaing hinanda ko para kay Daddy. All smiles first, employees in the main desk got rattled upon seeing my sudden visit. Nag-uusap-usap sila kanina at agad na bumalik sa kani-kanilang puwesto nang makita ako, though I didn't mind 'cause it was lunch.

Hindi ko na kailangan pang dumaan sa kanila para magtanong kung nasaan ang office ni Daddy, alam ko. Sa elevator ay kami nina Manong Selmon at Mira lang ang nasa loob dahil hindi sumabay sa amin ang mga empleyado.

"They're scared of you?" natatawang tanong ni Mira.

"Fine, stop stressing how mean I was!"

Nang makarating kami sa penthouse na siyang kinaroroonan ng office ni Daddy ay agad na bumungad sa amin ang malawak na silid, sa dulo ay may double doors at isang mesa. The first sight was just a big room for a smaller one inside those double-doors which was, Daddy's office.

My Daddy's secretary, Mister Antipolo, was there busy with his work. Ang mga yapak namin ang kumuha ng atensyon niya, tumayo siya at bahagyang tumango para bigyan pansin ang pagdating namin.

Lunch na lunch pero busy'ng-busy ang mga empleyado ng U-Co., no doubt why Daddy was also working very hard. He didn't really let us know if there was a problem in the company, or anything regarded.

Kumatok muna si Mister Antipolo bago buksan ang pinto saka siya humakbang papasok kasunod kami, both Mira and Manong Selmon silent behind me. Rinig na rinig ko tuloy ang malakas na pintig ng puso ko, lumakas pa iyong nang makita ko na si Daddy.

As usual, with the same intimidation, he managed to send my insides into a frenzy when he just sat at the back of his big office table and didn't even raise his head to spare us his very precious attention. Nakaharap siya sa laptop niya at seryosong-seryosong nagtitipa. Even with the distance, I still noted how a simple knotting of his forehead and pursing of his lips could make him ten times older than his age but the appeal, he was still very handsome nonetheless.

"Sir—"

"I'm here, D-Daddy." I choked in my own saliva. Magkasabay pa kaming nagsalita ni Mister Antipolo kaya nilingon ko siya.

The kind secretary bowed his head a little to my direction as I smiled warmly. Hindi ako masungit… okay, maybe a bit but I was changing… I guessed?

Looking back at Daddy, my heart just beat even more louder when he knotted his forehead deeply and checked for the time on his wrist watch. Sumandal siya sa upuan niya bago tumagos sa likod ko ang malalamig niyang mga mga mata.

"Mister Antipolo, please get the meal my daughter brought and prepare the pantry—"

Mabilis kong itinaas ang isang kamay ko para magalang na putulin ang sinasabi ni Daddy. All eyes went to me, but the most intimidating and heart-hammering of them all, was the pair of cold eyes staring at me from a distance.

I hardly bit my lower as I bravely stared back at those, uplifting my courage from deep within my stomach and taking over the intimidation I had always felt from him.

"I… I can prepare it myself, Daddy. I want t-to take good care of you…" I lowly said, slowly lowering my head 'cause his cold gaze was so much to take.

"Then please escort Hannan to the pantry, Mister Antipolo. I'll be there in five."

Hindi ako umiyak, pero ramdam ko ang panunubig ng mga mata ko maging ang paggaan ng pakiramdam ko. It felt like he just opened for me the easy way off his intimidation and lent to me his softness… just like before. Kahit na istrikto pa rin ang hitsura niya at matigas pa rin ang tono ng boses niya, hindi iyon naging hadlang para makita ko ang unti-unting pagbabago niya, kasabay rin ng pagbabago sa sarili ko.

I didn't cry but I was crying, my soul and my heart cried for the overwhelming emotions only my father could make me feel even just doing literally nothing.

For the past days since the dinner with the Jeons, at home, I would always try to acknowledge him and every little thing he did just so he knew that he didn't need to fight alone, he didn't need to sacrifice alone and feel the pain alone… I would go with him and I would take some of it, or even whole if needed.

I would always wait for him at night to come home, madalas akong samahan ni Ate Milan pero ako na rin ang nagtataboy sa kaniya dahil hindi maganda kung magpupuyat siya. I would always wake up early, if not to prepare him breakfast and eat with him, at least to see him go and tell him to always take care of himself.

He might still very oblivious of what I was doing, it was fine, I would make him get used of it so he could find himself to loosen up and slowly go back to how he was before to us.

"Why are you putting on my plates all the potatoes?"

Natigil ako sa paghahanap pa ng mga patatas sa sarili kong plato nang marinig ko ang matigas na boses na iyon ni Daddy. Nag-angat ako ng tingin para lang makitang nasa akin ang malalamig niyang mga mata maging ang nagtatakang mga mata ni Mira.

The latter's eyes had been like that since we had entered Daddy's office. Para bang takang-taka siya sa lahat ng ikinikilos ko at kanina niya pa hinahanapan ng reason kung bakit ako ganito.

"Uh, they're y-your… your favorites, r-right?" I hardly bit my lower lip when I saw how Mira dropped her jaw and turned a shocked face to my father across us.

"Yes, Hannan, and so do you." Tumusok siya ng isang potato cube sa pinggan niya gamit ang tinidor niya saka niya iyon nilipat sa pinggan ko.

My swelled again. I would like to see more of Daddy's softness and sweetness.

"Mommy's very doubtful with my shopping capability, she said, I'd just toss everything I see without seeing if it fits me—"

"How accurate Tita Sammie was…"

Natigil siya sa pagbibigay sa shopping assistant na kasama namin ng mga hinahablot niyang damit mula sa shop stand nang pinutol ko ang sinasabi niya. I crossed my arms in front of my chest, still very awed about what happened earlier at U-Co.

Masaya sa pakiramdam na nakaka-iyak, ni hindi ko kailanman naisip na magkakaroon pa ng katuparan ang mga madalas kong isipin noon tungkol sa relasyon namin ni Daddy.

"Said by someone who also doesn't shop…" Mira turned to the rack of dresses again and looked for another one to throw to her shopping assistant.

"At least when I do, I don't just toss them without checking…" Dahil sa sinabi ko ay inutusan niya ang shopping assistant na ibalik ang mga damit na kinuha niya. Also told them about the visit of her personal shopper to compensate with the time consumed while we were here.

Katulad namin ni Ate Milan, may personal shopper din si Mira kaya hindi na ako magtataka kung hindi man siya marunong mag-shop. Marunong ako, I would sometimes shop for myself if I was bored, and I didn't really get tempted buying dresses I just randomly saw from boutiques.

Wala naman kaming mga planong gagawin pareho ni Mira, madalas lang talaga kaming lumabas kapag nasa bahay siya. Kasama si Ate Milan pero hindi muna sa ngayon dahil nga sa kalagayan niya.

"How's your brother anyway?" tanong ko sa kaniya nang maalala ko si Mint nang madaanan namin ang shop na kapareho ng pangalan nito.

"He's still kicking, mas naging masungit nga lang," kaswal niyang sagot, sa lambot ng boses ay mukhang namang kinalimutan na niya ang mga nangyari sa pagitan namin ni Mint noon.

"Palagi namang masungit iyon," natatawang sabi ko.

"I don't know. He got colder, he doesn't even tell me anything about his life anymore when before, I was the first person he was telling everything to. Close kami ni Mint, pero mailap na siya ngayon."

Mint was just one of the people being scoped with my life's mess. At dahil may mga taong nagmamahal kay Mint, naaapektuhan din sila, take Mira as the very first example. Just like Jungkook, he got the whole BTS to worry for him so they were involved, Jimin also, who had his parents and also BTS.

It had become a chain reaction in an instant, my life was.

"Omg, Hannan, you won't believe this!"

Natigil kami sa paglalakad nang hilahin ni Mira ang braso ko at inilahad sa akin ang phone niya, she had been scrolling again. My forehead instantly creased when I saw the explore section of her IG account where live stories of people she followed were featured. Mabilis na dumako ang isang daliri niya sa isang live story at pinindot iyon.

"Where the hell is he?!" Mira exclaimed, the soft tone of her voice shortly disappeared.

We both watched as the beautiful man in the live story continued singing in what seemed like a platform or a mini stage, exchanged of variants of neon lights illuminated him and even just through the not so good quality of the video, he still looked so freaking gorgeous.

Hindi pa nakatulong na sobrang ganda ng boses ng walanghiya.

"Kim Records! Live story ng official account ng Kim Records ito, Hannan!"

Of course, Jimin would only sing at a public place and any talent scouts would seriously turn their heads to him with just the escape of first word from his beautiful voice.

♪ —don't know what she left me for,
She won't talk to me anymore ♪

♪ So if you see her,
Tell her I'd do anything, I need her
I know I'm not perfect but we were
She says she doesn't love me don't believe her
If you see her ♪

Wala sa sariling inagaw ko mula kay Mira ang phone niya at mas pinagtuunan ng pansin ang buong lugar kung nasaan siya. Surely, he wasn't at the Cypher Dos, that place was a much messier and much louder than the solemn place where he was now.

Tanging ang magandang boses niya lang ang pumupuno sa paligid, nakikita kong may mga tao sa bawat mesa dahil mukhang nasa likod ang kumukuha ng video at halos lahat ng mga taong iyon ay engganyong-engganyo sa kaniya.

A lot of them even had their phones up, filming him.

♪ Maybe today,
My phone will ring
I'll see her name
Trying not to hold my breath ♪

♪ It's all a blur,
But I remember holding her last
Time that I was in her bed
Wake up with her head on my chest
This doesn't make any sense ♪

I almost bought Mira's phone to my lips just to digitally kiss him, hoping he was with me and holding me tight… making sure he was holding me tight so I couldn't escape anymore but truth was, he wasn't here, he was out of my grasp and very free for all the girls out there who were willing to be a slave for his attention.

Ang daya naman kasi, bakit naman kasi kailangan pang ipagdamot sa amin ng panahon ang pagkakataong maging masaya? Bakit kasi maling panahon pa nito piniling maging ganito ang lahat?

I just wanted to be happy with him, I just wanted to do things with him without the heaviness in my heart, and the ordeal of waiting until when could that happen was freaking painful.

"You wanna go to him? I can find out where is this—"

"Not yet, not yet Mira. I can't see him or else, I'll just run back to him and forget everything…" Nanatili akong nakatitig kay Jimin habang tinatapos niya ang kantang tila isinulat yata para sa aming dalawa.

"Then why not? I can't understand why you're holding both of yourselves back from each other, why don't you just love each other and make the most of it while it lasts…?" She deeply sighed before continuing. "You deserve to be happy, Hannan, and no time will tell you that. It's your choice, not the time's. It's your emotions, not the time's. Jimin loves you and not the time…"

♪ So if you see her,
Tell her I'd do anything, I need her
I know I'm not perfect but we were
She says she doesn't love me don't believe her
If you see her ♪

♪ Does she remember?
The night before goodbye, she said forever
And made me swear I'd never leave her
She says she doesn't love me, don't believe her ♪

♪ If you see her
If you see her
Tell her that she's fucked it, I can't read her
We both know she's not perfect either
But if she says she loves me, let me see her,
Let me see her ♪