Chapter Twenty Three

A love triangle or a one-sided love?

Damn, since when did everything get that complicated and dramatic? Since when did we all get tangled up with a complicated love triangle and a dramatic one-sided love?

Mukhang hindi lang ako ang hindi pumabor sa sinabing iyon ni Kuya Yoongi dahil matapos niyang iwan ang leisure room na puno ng katanungan ang mga isipan namin ay mabilis at walang sabing sumunod si Jungkook sa kaniya. Ate Milan even called out to Jungkook but he didn't come back or even say anything back. Since she failed, matalim ang tinging binalingan ako ni Ate Milan na nakapag-paatras sa akin.

My heart felt like being squeezed hard because of that. My sister and I weren't perfect siblings, we often argued and got insincerely upset with each other but we really didn't get truly mad and we didn't fight. So seeing her now as if all ready to claw me, as if all ready to strangle me to death terrified and upset me.

All just because of Jungkook Jeon?

She was a soft person, so I couldn't imagine her being so mad and upset with me.

"Ate, why are you so into getting me with Jungkook?" Hindi ko napigilang magtaas ng boses dahil masakit para sa akin na nagagalit siya ngayon sa akin dahil lang sa hindi ko nararamdaman ang gusto niyang maramdaman ko sa taong iyon.

It was not like I could ask my heart to like who she wanted for me. It was not like it was easy for me to just maneuver my emotions and make it feel something for Jungkook Jeon. Kasi hindi ko nga nagawang pigilan na magkaroon ng nararamdaman kay Jimin!

Kung puwede lang, hindi ko hahayaang malagay ako sa sitwasyong ganito! Hindi ko hahayaang ma-ipit ako sa nararamdaman kong wala namang kasiguraduhan! Kasi iyong taong pinili ng puso kong mahalin ay hindi marunong magseryoso!

There, I said it!

Damn it, I was in love with my best friend. I was in love with a play boy, someone who always played around, someone who always fvcked around and someone who didn't love.

I was in love with Jimin freaking Park!

Nanginig ang mga labi ko nang makita kong lumambot ang ekspresiyon ng mukha ni Ate Milan. From behind her, I saw Kuya Hoseok gently caress her shoulders as if helping her light the weight on her shoulders.

Good for her, good for her 'cause she had her love of her life every time she felt upset or heavy-hearted. Good for her 'cause she had Kuya Hoseok who she loved so much and loved her back just as the same. Good for her, and very unfortunate for me 'cause Jimin just stood in the same room but I couldn't touch him, I couldn't sink into his safe embrace without them getting mad over it!

Why was life so damn freaking unfair? Why were they so unfair?!

My heart hurt even more when I saw Jimin looking sadly at me, frozen in his ground and very devastated more than me. Oh, that was the love of my life there, also being deprived of what he wanted, though I didn't know how he felt about all this.

Pero tulad nga ng sabi ni Kuya Jin at Taehyung, we were inseparable, hindi kami sanay na inilalayo sa isa't isa.

"S, Kookie deserves you m-more than anyone—"

"Love, Jimin's here…" Malambot ang tono ng boses ni Kuya Hoseok nang pinutol niya ang sinasabi ni Ate Milan, bahagya niyang nilingon si Jimin na malungkot na ngayong nakatitig kay Ate.

"I don't care, Hobi! He doesn't see my sister the way she looks at him! Kaya kung may masasaktan man dito, kapatid ko iyon! She needs to know beforehand that Jungkook won't ever hurt her like what Jimin has been doing—"

For the second time, Ate Milan got cut off, but this time by a soft yet stern voice.

"I won't ever hurt her."

Pursing my lips, I let my heart once again flutter, kicking excitedly over the brave and sincere man ever saying that he would never hurt me, and that I disregarded all the pain he brought my heart the past few days 'cause it wasn't intentional.

Bakit ko ba nakalimutan na kailanman, hinding-hindi ako sasaktan ng isang Jimin Park? Jimin Park just wouldn't ever hurt Hannan Urduja.

"But you did. You did Jimin! Isang linggong mag-isa ang kapatid ko dahil masyado kang busy sa babae mo! This always happens everytime you're dating any bitch out there! Ano? You only need her when you're lonely?"

"Ate Milan!"

"Love!"

Sabay kaming napasigaw ni Kuya Hoseok. He immediately held my sister in his arms to stop her from rambling again as I stared at her in both disbelief and horror.

What she said sounded so wrong and very misleading in so many levels! Wala naman silang alam, wala silang alam sa mga pinaggagawa namin ni Jimin.

Hindi ko alam na iyon ang iniisip ni Ate Milan noong mga panahong naiinis ako kay Jimin dahil sa paglilihim niya sa akin ng tungkol sa kanila ni Pauline Alveoli. Hindi ko alam na dinibdib pala ni Ate Milan ang mga pananahimik ko at pag-iwas ko sa kanila noong mga panahong iyon. And there I was, all caught up with my own feelings and emotions because of Jimin! And, a light bit of Jungkook Jeon.

Bakit ba pinapahirapan ako ng dalawang lalaking iyon?

"Huwag mong ipagtatanggol ang playboy na iyan, Hannan! I know he's the reason why you seemed off the past few days!"

Mariin akong pumikit lalo na nang makita ko ang naguguluhang tingin na ipinupukol ni Jimin sa akin. Ang mga paa kong napako na yata sa sahig ay tila gusto na akong biguin dahil sa panghihina ng mga binti ko. I just wanted to give myself a break and sit weakly. Kaso ang layo ng couch sa kinaroroonan ko dahil nasa likod iyon nina Ate Milan at Kuya Hoseok at mas malayo naman ang kinaroroonan ng long table.

When I opened my eyes, I saw my sister's rage directed to me.

"Then just shut up, please, Ate M. Ako ang magsasabi sa kaniya. Please, please, please!" Halos maiyak na ako sa pagmamaka-awa kay Ate Milan, na kung hindi lang nanghihina ang mga binti ko ay tinakbo ko na siya para takpan ang bibig niya.

Fine! I couldn't hide my feelings from her, fine, she could always easily see through me but I couldn't let her break it to Jimin! Ako ang magsasabi!

Feelings ko, emotions ko, kaya ako ang magsasabi!

"What…? East, Hannan, what's this?" Jimin confusedly asked me, palms in the air as if he didn't have any idea what was going on. And he didn't need to know… yet.

"You seriously don't get it, playboy?" Disappointed na umiling si Kuya Hoseok sa direksyon ni Jimin habang hawak niya pa rin si Ate Milan.

"Stop it! Stop! I will tell him, Ate M, but not now!"

Siguro, hindi talaga ako matapang kasi wala akong ibang naiisip gawin ngayon kung hindi gawin ang ginawa ni Jungkook kanina, ang takasan ang lahat dahil hindi pa ako handa. I needed first to save up courage to tell Jimin, 'cause I was still in the middle of processing all that I found out within myself.

It took time!

And well, I did.

Tinakasan ko ang sitwasyon, dahil hindi pa ako handa.

Sinulyapan ko ang paglalapag ng isang kasambahay ng tray ng pagkaing ipinakuha ko dahil akala ko ay makakatagal ako ng hindi kumakain. I hadn't eaten dinner last night, I had ditched breakfast and lunch earlier and I hadn't drunk even a little drop of water since last night.

I would admit, it was hard. Mas mahirap pa sa diet habit ko.

I gulped hungrily as I saw the plate of cheese shortbread and the tall glass of strawberry fruit shake on the tray as I slowly hugged my knees to my chest, my chin carefully resting on top while letting my throat hurt for those foods.

Sa meryenda na lang ako babawi.

"How many hours is it already since Daddy and Ate Milan left?" mahina kong tanong sa kasambahay kaya napalingon siya sa akin. I recognized her as one of the youngest maid we have and one of those two maids who were talking with Jungkook when he was here.

Hindi naman talaga ako mahilig makipag-usap sa mga kasambahay, bukod sa nasa loob lang ako madalas ng kuwarto ko ay masyadong mailap sa amin ni Ate Milan ang mga kasambahay rito sa bahay. Para bang kasalanan ang makipag-usap sila sa amin ni Ate Milan.

Well, Daddy was very strict so maybe, the maids had made their own rules and one of it must be that they shouldn't talk with us.

"Dalawang oras na po, Miss Hannan," sagot niya sa akin saka tumayo ng diretso sa gilid ng kama ko hawak ang tray na wala ng laman dahil nailapag na niya sa bedside table. "Hindi ka po ba pupunta?"

Bumuntong-hininga ako saka ibinalik ang tingin sa pagkaing kinatatakaman ko nang kainin dahil gutom na gutom na talaga ako pero hihintayin ko muna siyang maka-alis, nakakahiyang ipakita na hindi ko napapanindigan ang ginagawa ko.

"Nope. You don't know what's waiting for me there when I go… I already congratulated them anyway." Itinaas ko na ang kamay ko at iwinagayway para pa-alisin na siya dahil gutom na talaga ako. "Don't tell anyone that I asked you to bring me foods, okay?"

Tango lang ang isinagot niya sa akin at lumabas na.

Habang kinakain ko ang pagkaing ipinakuha ko ay kalong ko ang laptop ko sa gilid ng kama, ang mga paa kong nababalutan ng pares ng asul at itim na medyas ay nasa sahig dahil tumatambay ako sa LSAC Papers para sundan ang mga kaganapan na ngayon sa graduation nina Ate Milan.

Sumimangot ako saka isinubo sa bibig ko ang piraso ng shortbread na nasa tinidor na hawak ko nang makita kong puro BTS Seniors ang nasa feeds ko, maging sa mismong homepage ng LSAC Paper. Nagmukha tuloy exclusive ang graduation na dapat ay highlight ang buong Seniors ng LSAC.

Hindi pa nag-start pero may live stream ang event at marami nang viewers ang nandoon, nakilala ko pa ang host na nagdadala ng live stream para i-entertain ang mga viewers dahil miyembro siya ng student council, at mukhang halos lahat ng nasa comments ay nagtatanong kung kailan mai-interview ang BTS.

Seriously, pinagbawal nga ang reporters at media sa event pero may mga pasaway talagang estudyante.

"It's time! We'll show you the Graduation March that will be happening in a minute now! We failed to get a hold of any BTS Seniors, sa ibang route yata sila dumaan but we'll surely drag them to an interview later before this live stream ends."

Hindi ko na pinagka-abalahan pang panoorin ang Graduation March dahil may dahilan kung bakit pinili kong mag-stay sa bahay kaysa ang pumunta sa graduation ng Ate ko.

I still needed space and time, that would be only possible if I was away from those people, from Jimin the most.

"I just hope they're not isolating Jimin again. He's their friend too! Imagine your friends staying away from you? Tss. My man must be very upset."

Nilapag ko sa gilid ko ang laptop ko at tahimik na pinagka-abalahan na lang ang pagkain ko. Hindi pa rin ako handang harapin si Jimin o kahit na ang sino sa kanila.

I still needed time… and courage.

A love triangle or a one-sided love? Hindi kaya ako ang tinutukoy ni Kuya Yoongi sa one-sided love na iyon?

The man was too oblivious, he was lazy and was always sleeping so I didn't know how he managed to know what he knew to himself now. Maiintindihan ko pa si Taehyung dahil malapit siya kay Jimin at puwedeng madali niya lang na nababasa ang mga kilos nito, plus he said himself that he caught Jimin but the lazy cold guy?

Siya ang pinakahuling taong maiisip kong may alam o may paki-alam man lang sa mga nangyayari sa paligid niya. Well, sa Seniors ng BTS, siya ang pinakamalapit kay Jimin pero hindi iyon sapat para masabi kong may nalalaman siya.

Damn, how painful! Mas masakit ang malagay sa one-sided love kaysa ang maipit sa love triangle!

"Yaya, did you see the box my Daddy gave my sister? I mean, do you have any idea what that was?"

Ika-pitong araw ng pagkukulong ko sa kuwarto, naka-upo ako sa harap ng vanity mirror at pinaglalaruan ang mga panibagong lip tint at chapstick na dumating mula sa suki kong cosmetics store dahil may mga panibago silang release at madalas nila akong padalhan ng mga iyon.

Mula sa salamin ay sinilip ko si yaya Mia na kalalabas lang ng banyo habang hawak ang laundry basket kung nasaan ang mga used towels ko, naroon din ang kulay asul na towel ni Jimin dahil naalala kong ginamit ko iyon noong nakaraan.

I missed him that I just resulted into using his belongings. It helped me a bit.

"Hindi ko po alam, Miss Hannan," sagot niya at ang laundry basket naman sa loob ng walk-in closet ko ang pinagka-abalahan.

Madalas ko na siyang kausapin nitong mga nakaraang araw dahil nakakabaliw ang mag-isa at walang kausap.

Noong mga unang araw ay kaya ko pa pero pagsapit ng ika-apat na araw, napilitan akong magtanong ng kung anu-ano lang sa kaniya sa tuwing pumupunta siya rito para lang may masabi ako.

I had seen Daddy give Ate Milan a jewelry box the day of her graduation and I was curious about it. In normal days, ipapakita niya iyon sa akin habang sinasabi kung gaano siya kasaya dahil galing iyon kay Daddy pero hindi pa rin niya ako pinapansin. Isa pa, abala na siya ngayon sa internship niya sa U-Co. Hindi na kami nagkakakitaan sa bahay dahil bukod sa wala siya rito ay hindi naman ako lumalabas ng kuwarto ko.

"Sa totoo lang…" Huminto si yaya Mia at sumulyap sa akin mula sa salamin bago magpatuloy. "Palagi kang itinatanong sa akin ni Miss Milan kapag nagagawi ako sa kuwarto niya. Napapansin kong ilang araw na po kayong hindi nag-uusap. May problema po ba kayo?"

Siyempre, mapapansin talaga ng mga maids dahil hindi naman kami ganito ni Ate. Madalas ay nasa kuwarto kami ng isa't isa at nag-uusap ng kung anu-anong bagay lang. Kung minsan ay lumalabas kami at namamasyal kapag walang pinagkaka-abalahan.

I was glad that it was only the maids who had noticed us, 'cause I didn't want Daddy to know that there was something going on between me and Ate Milan, though I knew, he didn't care.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin kay yaya Mia at dinampot ang isang maliit na bote ng lip tint na hindi ko gusto ang kulay. It was a lighter pink than my natural choice, I liked dark pink for a lip tint.

"I noticed your pale lips, you should try using this…" Inilahad ko sa direksyon niya ang kamay kong hawak ang maliit na bote. "Here take this. You're beautiful, kulang lang sa ayos."

Maliit na thankful gift lang iyon dahil siya lang ang nakaka-usap ko, isa pa, hindi ako mahilig mag-compliment ng ibang tao, kaya kapag ginawa ko, totoo iyon.

Kaya sobra akong natuwa nang pagbalik niya sa kuwarto ko kinagabihan para dalhin ang dinner ko ay may kulay na at matingkad na ang dati ay tuyo at mapuputlang mga labi niya. Sinabihan ko siyang sabayan akong kumain pero nagtatakang tingin lang ang ibinigay niya sa akin bago siya umiling at lumabas ng kuwarto ko.

I guessed, I was growing weird around her.

For the next days, I had again to force myself not to respond to the messages Jimin was leaving me.

It was hard, to be honest.

Miss ko na iyong tao. Malapit na ang monthly wedding celebration nina Tita Janna at Tito Nigel, hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari sa araw na iyon. Magkikita ba kami?

Bumuntong-hininga ako at binuksan na lang ang thread of messages namin ni Jimin. Hindi ko pa pala nababago ang pangalan niya, next time, I would find time to change it.

For now, I would leave it that way.

From: Get Lost
east

can't answer my calls yet?

its been days

not ready yet?

Kung alam lang niya kung gaano kahirap magpigil na huwag sagutin ang mga tawag niya. I always had occasional arguments with myself, and the rational yet coward part of myself always won.

Hindi pa raw ako ready.

Get Lost:
east

east

Hannan

your balcony's door

its open

its cold, close it up

can I come up anyway?

One cold night, I remembered having to instantly get up from the bed and quickly run towards the balcony only to close it up like what he told me. He was sometimes a creep, how could he know that my balcony was open?

Hindi naman kita mula sa Park Mansion ang loob ng Urduja Residence, tipong mga puno lang ang kita mula roon at ganoon din kapag sisilipin ang Park Household mula rito sa bahay.

Get Lost:
I broke up with her

Cielo slapped me

I crieee it hurt

could you go and get even for me?

I almost destroyed my phone when I had read about Cielo Severino. Hindi niya ako hinahayaang makalapit sa mga babaeng nananampal sa kaniya pero para iyong trigger na humulog sa akin sa sobrang galit. I was so mad that I almost stepped out of my room to hunt that two-faced bitch and strangle her to death to really get even for Jimin but I didn't help but laugh when I had read his reaction to Cielo Severino's assault to him.

That brute. Nakuha pa talagang magloko.

Get Lost:
she wants me back

I don't like her

she annoyiiiing

Cael

that asshole was very mad

nakaganti na tayo

Yes, and I wasn't really up for that anymore.

Ang gusto ko na lang ngayon ay makasama siya, maging maayos kami ni Ate Milan at maging maayos na rin sila ni Jimin. I didn't want anything now but to get everything back to how they had used to be.

I already forgot Cael Severino, even Cielo Severino or Pauline Alveoli. I didn't care about them anymore, I didn't want to think about them anymore 'cause they were not worth it.

Get lost:
si Kookie

you like him?

he seems serious about you

No, I didn't like him and I couldn't do anything about it, I wanted to type it and send to him but I didn't. Hindi ko kontrolado ang puso ko, hindi ko kayang piliting gustuhin si Jungkook dahil gusto ko kung kanino ito tumitibok ngayon. So I was sorry to all the people who would get disappointed with how my heart was beating for someone who was not Jungkook Jeon and would never be.

Nag-iisa lang si Jimin Park, siya lang ang gugustuhin ko, sa kaniya ko lang mapapayagang tumibok ang puso ko.

Get Lost:
Hannan

I have something to tell you

I miss you

pero hindi iyan

I need to say it in person

let me see your pretty resting face

That was his recent messages so here I was, taking a selfie with my unwashed self to send his pretty missing ass. Hindi na ako nag-abala pang mag-ayos dahil hindi ko naman siya kaharap. Matapos kong mai-send sa kaniya ang selfie na kinunan ko ay agad na tumunog ang phone ko sa intended ringtone na nakatalaga sa number niya.

I didn't know if I was just so bored, or maybe I just really missed him too so much that was why I found myself smiling while slowly putting my phone by my ear, my heart pounding so hard as I waited for his voice.

["Such a tease,"] aniya sa kabilang linya, nahalata ko ang ngisi sa tono ng boses niyang ilang araw ko ring hindi narinig. His voice sounded raspy but a bit husky.

Saan naman niya ginagamit ang boses niya para mapaos siya?

"Did it hurt?" I softly asked him, pursing my lips for I couldn't hide my worried tone, remembering the slap Cielo Severino gave him.

Gusto ko na lang talagang sugurin ang Cielo Severino na iyon para gantihan dahil sa pananampal niya kay Jimin. Ni hindi ko nga sinasampal ang lalaking iyon nang hindi na-gi-guilty sa huli e.

["I'd normally say no, but since you've been hiding from me the past few days and I miss you so much, I'd say yes, it fvcking hurts. Gaganti ka na ba para sa akin?"]

I chuckled a bit because of his whining voice from the other line and I could imagine him pouting cutely. He sure knew how to pull me out of this room, it was not helping that I was hearing his beautiful voice that I missed so much.

"Would you bring me to her? How dare she even lay a hand on your precious skin? Makakalbo ko talaga ang babaeng iyon!" singhal ko.

["I'll bring you to her but not for that. Hindi ko rin naman mapapayagang may mangyari sa'yo. We'll just show her what she couldn't have… what she never had."] He told me in a lulling voice, it almost brought me into thinking that maybe… maybe he also felt the same way for me. Na mali si Ate Milan ng iniisip na hindi kami pareho ng nararamdaman ni Jimin, na mali rin si Kuya Yoongi tungkol sa one-sided love na sinasabi niya pero naalala ko rin ang lagay ni Pauline Alveoli sa buhay niya.

That was still left unclear and I was ready to wait until when he could open up to me.

"Ikaw?" Mahina akong natawa. "Actually, you almost convinced me that you were serious with her…"

Not until I saw you with Pauline Alveoli.

Humiga ako sa kama at tumingala sa ceiling. I missed having night calls like this with him. Madalas nakakatulog ako kapag nag-uusap kami ng ganito, kung minsan naman ay kinakantahan niya ako para makatulog.

["Was not in the plan, east. You know me."]

Nakarinig ako ng ingay ng sasakyan sa linya niya at ilan pang hindi ko malamang ingay. Bumuntong-hininga ako saka mariing pumikit dahil sa sinabi niya.

Yes, I know you. You're not the type to fall in love, Jimin.

"Nasaan ka? You're out home?" tanong ko dahil mukhang nasa kalsada siya.

["You really didn't read my messages, did you? I just saw your Dad's car arrive. Malamig dito, can you go down?"]

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya at mabilis na napabangon. Nilingon ko ang nakabukas na balcony ng kuwarto ko at nakitang malakas na hinahangin ang kurtina kaya malamang ay sobrang lamig talaga sa labas. Naalala ko iyong text niya sa akin noong nakaraang gabi, nakabukas daw ang pinto ng balcony ko, and there was no other way for him to know!

And his husky voice! It must be because of cold!

"You're inside the residence! Jimin! You brute! Maghintay ka riyan at huwag kang magpapakita kay Daddy!" Hinagis ko na lang basta ang phone ko sa kama at tumakbo papasok sa walk-in closet ko para kumuha ng zip-up hoodie dress na isusuot ko at isang itim na jacket mula sa mga damit niya.

That brute, why so careless?

I didn't know since when did I get afraid of Daddy seeing him this late at night inside the Ursula Residence but I wouldn't want it to happen.

I just felt like I needed to protect him from Daddy.