I kissed Max. That was it. We were officially married. The only thing that would make that moment any better was if Am was awake. If I had the option to go back in time and make it so I didn't have cancer, I didn't think I would. The fact that I was a dead man was the only reason Max and I got married when we did.
I showed the minister out and thanked him for his service. I explained the situation and hoped it would make this visit a little less weird for him. By time I got back to Am's room, I found that Max wasn't there. I walked to my room to see if she was there. I found her in a pair of my pajama bottoms and one of my old t-shirts. She was sitting on the couch watching tv and eating pudding.
"We just got married and you celebrate by stealing my cloths and eating pudding? " I asked.
"Sorry. Do you want your clothes back? I can find other ones." Max responded.
"No. You look cute in them. You also look exhausted."
"I've only slept an hour in the past eleven months."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I haven't slept very well because of my depression."
"Depression?"
"Yeah it's what I call the development." She acted like she was ok with it but I knew she wasn't. She needed some sleep. She was to stressed out to even take a nap. This was my fault. Am and Max were stressed and having trouble because I got cancer. I made this happen. I don't know how I let this happen.
Max now had to live the rest of her life knowing that I died. This was all my fault. Max said she would stay by my side no matter what. I never said I would stay by hers.
I knew what I had to do. I couldn't put her threw this. I began thinking. I wasn't going to divorce her. Instead I was going to just leave. Without a word. No hint of were I went and no coming back.
I began to feel sad. I began to cry. Max got up.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"I'm sorry. " I responded.
"For what?"
"For putting you threw so much stress. This is all my fault."
"It's not your fault that you have cancer."
"Yeah it is."
"How."
"I smoked. I got lung cancer from smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. I wanted to quit but I didn't try."
"I don't hate you Mark. I don't blame you for anything. I'm here for you. I'm not going to leave." I might though. I let her hug me then tucked her in. She instantly fell asleep so I walked into Am's room. She wasn't panicking so I went back to my room.
I was on the roof with a pen and two pieces of paper. I had already packed a bag for my journey to nowhere. I was trying to think of words to write. What do you tell your wife and child when you're running away to die? When you'll never see them again? I decided to wing it and just started writing.
Dear Max,
I know you said that you don't blame me, and that you're not mad. However I still can't let you and Am waste your lives watching me slowly die. I want you to live a happy life. I know that Charley has a crush on you. He's a good guy. Maybe he can help raise our daughter. Marrying you was a mistake. I love you more than life itself and I would love to spend eternity by your side, but I never should have trapped you. I already signed the divorce papers for the both of us and sent them in. Go meet someone else. Live your life. Don't let the thought of me hold you back. Am needs you.
- Sincerely, Mark
It was decided. At this point I couldn't go back. Then I needed to say goodbye to Am. She finally wakes up to find that I left her. I hated that.
Dear Am,
You are my most favorite person ever.I can't imagine life without you. You have helpped me know what it feels like to have the all the love in the world. Unfortunately I have to leave. You have been so worried about me and so stressed out that you have been in a coma. I want you to have a happy life. If I stayed I would be holding you back from your life. You have spent all day after school at the hospital. Use that time to go on a date with that Hector kid you told me about. I will always love you. None of this is your fault and don't ever think it is.
- Sincerely, Mark
I put the letters in envelopes and gave them to my girls. I put Max's on her face and Am's under her pillow. By time they woke up I would be long gone. I grabbed my bag and left.
That night I realized my first mistake. Running away from the hospital with a serious case of lung cancer. I collapsed onto the ground after climbing a hill. I inhaled large raspy breaths. I was having so much trouble breathing. I watched as tones of cars spread by.
When I could breath I continued my journey. I wouldn't be able to tell you were I was going. After eight hours of walking I was eager to get there though.
I passed many interesting people and saw many busted up cars, but nothing caught my attention as much as the ducking that was following me. It was just a little fluffy yellow puff with legs. It was abnormally fluffy and I fed it at a pond a while back. It hasn't left my side sense then.
I decided to call him Tony. I would pick him up every now and then so he could rest his feet. I used my shoe laces as a leash and a piece of fabric as a sling for him to sleep in.
I would be fine on this trip. I have Tony to keep me company and I have plenty of food and water and money. Yep I would be just fine.