he's the one...

...who killed her

∞

"did you know atsushi," dazai said, staring at his cup of tea, his finger tracing the edge of the cup, "i used to hold someone dear in my heart."

atsushi looked up, his mouth agape. "you mean like a girlfriend?"

he nodded. "you could say that. we weren't exactly official, but everyone knew we were together."

"what happened to her?"

"i killed her."

atsushi blinked, the corner of his mouth twitching. "you killed her?!"

dazai rested his head on his hand, his finger still on the cup. "sure, i didn't pull the trigger, but it was still my fault."

"what happened?"

"i suppose she was hurt, insulted even. she was the one woman who would actually do a double suicide with me, but i wouldn't allow it," he said.

"but," atsushi said, leaning closer to the other male, "i thought that was your dream."

"not her. it couldn't be her. i--"

"you loved her too much."

dazai nodded, taking his finger away from the cup. he looked up at him.

"you could imagine how upset she would get when i asked another woman to commit a double suicide with me. it was a dumb move on my part, though. asking others in front of her, i mean.

"i knew it upset her, yet i kept on doing it. how could i be so stupid?"

atsushi frowned, but couldn't answer his question. he was right; how could dazai be so stupid?

"but i guess something in her made her snap. she texted me right after i left work. she said to meet her in an alleyway, and so i did. imagine finding the one you love holding a gun to their temple... you would stop it, wouldn't you?"

atsushi nodded, knowing where he was going with this.

dazai looked back down, a pained expression on his face. he clenched his fists.

"i couldn't save her, atsushi-kun. i couldn't stop her. my legs wouldn't move; i was so afraid. part of me wanted to believe that she was bluffing, but i knew she had enough. she told me she would kill herself in hopes that i would kill myself along with her... she wanted to be the one to fulfill my dream; she loved me so much that--"

his voice cracked.

"she shot herself."

"and why didn't you?"

"i told myself i needed to live with the guilt and grief. for punishment. sure, i still ask women for a perfect double suicide, but i would never go through with it."

"i'm sorry, dazai-san."

"i wish i could have told her that."