Secrets.

He was hunching, his body was crunched trying to reach my lips. I remember it all. The passionate kisses, the careful and lovely touch that goes beyond the flesh straight to my soul. Tumama ang likod ko sa magaspang na kahoy na pinto habang idinidiin niya ang katawan niya sa akin. Making me welcome him with full endeavor. His hand lingered at the strap of my dress and unwrapping me with desire.

S*x is not beautiful, making love is.

Our body communicated as far as it remembers. The thud on the wooden cabin is the only noise our feet could make. Nagmamadali. Itinatapon ang bawat piraso ng damit sa kung saan dahil hindi na namin ito kailangan.

I was not ashamed of my body, he never gave me a reason to be. I could give 1,000 reasons to love Mr. Alcantara, and that is one of those.

He kissed my collarbone, praising every details of my skin. I smiled with the kisses on my lips. I was a sucker for Shakesperean love and if this is just an imagination--- a little fictional than reality, my love will be described as Ophelia's love to Hamlet, which love has a serene freedom but also tragic. 

Too poetic, too dreamy, too painful..

"Sussane.." He whispered. His eyes lingered to mine while the slow and soulful rage was nothing but whimsical. He's taking his time, so am I. Walang ingay dahil kahit ang pagbukas ng AC ay aming nakaligtaan. The giggles sounded far and distant, even the echo of the reggae music at the shore didn't make too much noise, and who's even thinking about two bodies united as one like this? No one cares. But we do.

He kissed my lips and it made a sweet sound, the rocking of his body on top of me was almost inaudible because it was taken with care. 

We were panting, sweating, but it was beautiful. He claimed my body. Not once, not twice, I don't really remember. It was special, consuming and filling.

We rested our naked body under the sheets after hours of making love, he was fast asleep but I couldn't. He's holding my hand like his life depended on it.

Once or twice he called me in his dreams. He called 'Calla' not really Sussane. Sana ay makapasok ako doon. Sana malaman ko kung ano yon. Sana mag-pakilala ang panaginip na ako, sana sabihin niya ang totoo. Because right now, I still can't.

--

We woke up still dawn. Naging buo ang tunog ng alon sa tabing dagat dahil tulog na ang karamihan na nagkakasiyahan. Niyakap niya ako sa ilalim ng kumot na iniangat ko para takpan kaming dalawa. His scent is still there, he didn't smell anything like a fckboy. He's my Lorcan, overly plain and sincere Lorcan, the same person I kept in my memories, buried and carefully locked in my heart.

"I will tell you a secret.." He mumbled after he pat a small kiss on my forehead.

"Hm?"

"You are the only woman who made me this after the accident."

"Made you what?"

"I never slept with anyone. Even Margaux. I cannot do it." Paliwanag nya.

"Asexual ka?" Gulat kong tanong.

"Do you think I am asexual? We just did it Susanne. Siguro ay nagsimula na akong maging sexually active ulit."

"So y-you think you can do it to Margaux now that you are back to normal?"

"Can we not talk about her Susanne?" Pakiusap nya. Marahan akong tumango at inayos ko ang comforter para ibalot sa kanya but he removed it. He went on top of my body and uncovered me too. Our eyes communicated and we were both smiling goofily. Parehas tiyak ang nasa isip?

"One more?"

"Seriously, you don't ask that question on one night stands." Pagpupunto ko. His smile slowly drift away.

"Why? You had something like this before?"

I was caught unguarded. Kung sasabihin kong 'hindi', marahil ang isusunod niya ay ang pagtatanong kung sino ang boyfriend ko because my cherry was way beyond being fresh and unpopped, even my moves aren't so virginal  "No personal questions please." I opted to say.

Umalis siya sa ibabaw ko at walang ganang tinakpan ang kanyang katawan.

"Lorcan?" I called him but he did not respond, he was closing his eyes with hand on his chest.

"I know, I know what this is. Give me time to recover the thought." Binuksan niya ang mga mata niya at tiningnan ang mukha ko. Masuyo niyang hinaplos ang pisngi ko gamit ang isang kamay at inabot ang aking labi para maingat na halikan.

It was soft and easy, he kissed me until we were both gasping for breath.

Dumating ang umaga at mas naging mapanatag iyon kumapara sa gabi. I am wearing my white Justice league short cuff t-shirt and maong shorts. Hinawi ko ang mahaba kong buhok na isinayaw ng hangin sa tabing dagat. Tumabi sa akin si Lorcan. His white sleeveless shirt and khaki board shorts was on point with his man bun. He totally looked hot when he snaked his muscled arms on my waist. Making me a total envy of all the girls at the beach area.

"So what will be our minamalist breakfast?" He asked.

Natawa ako sa itinatanong niya niya, kilala ko siya bilang partikular sa lahat ng bagay pati sa kanyang pagkain kaya hindi ko naisip na magiging matipid siya ngayon. He's used to grand things from his clothes to food.

Nakita ko ang isang ice cream shoppe, sampung hakbang ang layo sa amin at hinila ko ang kamay niya para pumunta doon.

"Ice cream?" He asked.

"B&J's Pistachios." Itinuro ko ang gusto ko.

"How did you know my favorite?"

"Your favorite? Paborito ko ito." Na paborito mo din. I know.

We bought one tub and shared it until it almost melted under the sun. We walked in the scratchy sand and packed some sandwiches before we hop on a bus going back to Manila. We did not have a melodramatic scene to detail what happened. There are things better left unsaid when it is this special.

--

Nakita ko na ang magulo at siksikang kalsada ng Maynila. Lorcan was sleeping on my shoulders. Kinailangan kong tapikin ang kanyang pisngi hudyat ng nalalapit na pagbaba ng bus at pagbalik sa mundo na meron kami. 

"It was a wonderful short vacation." Aniya nang makababa na kami sa bus. I nodded.

Nag-taxi kami pabalik sa aming mga bahay. Bumaba kami sa tapat ng aming mga bakuran, doon sa gitna. Walang nagbago sa itsura sa bahay naming iniwan kaya hindi ako masyadong nag-alala.

Bago pa man maghiwalay, kinuha ni Lorcan ang parehas na kamay ko at saka ako masuyong hinalikan. I was smiling during the kiss, babawiin niya ang kanyang labi at papatakan na naman ako ng panibagong halik. 

"OMG." Ang malanding boses ni Tonio ang nagpahiwalay sa amin ni Lorcan.

"MG!" Sinegundahan iyon ni Meico na kakarating rin lang na nasa likuran pala ni Tonio. Parehas silang may bitbit na grocery bags sa kanilang mga kamay.

Tumikhim ako nang parehas kaming balutin ni Lorcan nang pamumula ng mukha.

"Lorcan, s-si Tonio saka si Meico, kilala mo na siya. Pasok ka na sa bahay mo. A-ano. Kasi.." Napapikit ako, insides churned. Hindi na alam ang sasabihin.

"I will see you later, Sussane. I will wait for you until you are done." He smiled and nodded to Meico and Tonio.

Tatlo kaming pinanood si Lorcan na pumasok ng kanyang bahay. Wala si Sirius sa kanyang kulungan dahil iniwanan namin iyon sa isang Dog Daycare bago umalis kahapon.

"Gaga!" Isang mahinang na batok ang pinakawalan ni Tonio nang pumasok kami sa aking bahay. Ibinaba nila ang pinamili doon sa lamesa.

"Goodness, akala namin nagpunta ka sa malayo at doon ka nagpakamatay. Tapos madadatnan ka namin dito, exchanging saliva to that, to that, hot, and yummy, and gorgeous—"

Hindi na naituloy ni Tonio ang kanyang mga sasabihin nang batukan din siya ni Meico, mas malakas nga lang iyon kaysa sa ibinigay niya sa akin. 

"Nag-s*x ba kayo?" Tanong ni Meico na nakapamewang sa akin.

"Ano ba namang klaseng tanong yan?" Umirap ako para ipakitang galit pero kumawala ang tingin sa mata ni Meico. Tumaas ang kilay niya, she knows when I am lying.

"Well, wala namang masama dahil asawa mo naman siya." Nagkibit balikat siya.

"Asawa?!" Tonio shrieked. Maarte niyang tinapik ang kanyang dibdib na para bang nasamid. "Di nga? Siya yung asawa mo? Nakakaalala na?"

"Hindi." Umiling ako at sinilip ang laman ng basket, "Nag-out of town kami kasi bored siya. But it is nothing."

"Nothing? Mamshie hindi ko gusto yang larong yan. Di ba ang kinikilala niyang girlfriend niya ay yung ex niya? And point number 2, hindi ba yun din ang parehas na rason kung bakit hindi nagpapakita sa kanya ang mga kaibigan niya at iniiwas siya sa media para hindi tanungin ang tungkol sa'yo na legal na asawa? Naku naku naku, tingin ko ay walang magandang kapupuntahan ito."

"Ako ang ex, Tonio."

"Mali! Ikaw ang legal wife."

"Mas mali kung hindi niya sasabihin na siya ang legal wife at nagpapatuloy sila sa ginagawa nila, kaya ikaw, kung wala kang balak sabihin, gawin mo ang dapat. Di ba makikipaghiwalay ka?" Dugtong ni Meico.

Napakamot ako ng ulo. "I know. Pwede ba, it is just one time."

"One time, ilang rounds?" Mabilis na tanong ni Tonio, I glared at him. He picked up the bag of chips and exaggerately put it on his mouth.

"Hindi valid question kung ilang rounds." Inayos ni Meico ang suot na eyeglasses. "The thing is, mauulit pa ba ito?"

Napailing na lang ako. "Fine, hindi na."

We cooked dinner for the three of us, abot abot ang pagpipigil ko na dalhan si Lorcan ng pagkain, kahit na ang silipin man lang ang kanyang ginagawa ay hindi ko na inalintana. I should keep myself busy right? Hindi ako dapat nakikipagkita sa kanya. More so, not even having breakfast with him.

Hindi na ako nakatulog nang umalis si Meico at Tonio. It is a little bit late when they left. Inihanda ko ang duffel bag ko ala-una ng madaling araw, sisimulan kong tumakbo sa umaga at babalik na lang ako sa tanghali para matulog kung kailan nasa school si Lorcan, I should keep my lights off para isipin niyang wala ako dito. 

Nang naghahati na ang liwanag sa dilim, that's the time I stepped outside in my jogging pants and running shoes plus jacket. Papalabas pa lang ako ng bakuran nang harangin ako ni Lorcan. Nagulat pa ako doon.

"Anong ginagawa mo dito?"

"I was waiting for you to come out."

"At this hour?"

Tumango siya at itinuro ang bahay niya. Merong director's chair doon at isang telescope sa gitnang bahagi ng pathwalk patungo sa kanyang pinto. A small table beside the chair with a nightlamp and magazine in it.

"Killing time while waiting for you."

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa kanyang sinabi. Seryoso ito sa kanyang 'waiting game' kung ganoon. "Ikaw, saan ka pupunta? Masyado pang maaga hindi ba?" Tumingin ito sa orasan niya, "It is just 4 am."

"Lorcan, bakit mo ako inintay na lumabas? Dapat ay natutulog ka ng ganitong oras. May pasok ka pa mamaya, hindi ba?"

Kung hindi ko siya kilala, he might scare me away by thinking his stalker tendencies. Obsession or much more than that. Pero ang maamo niyang mukha ay walang bahid na siya ay mapanganib. But sleeping is more important for him who had head trauma. Maaring hindi na normal ang nerves niya sa ulo.

"I am scared." Naisantinig niya. "Your friends don't like me."

"What? Bakit mo ba iniisip yan? At ano naman kung hindi ka nila magustuhan?"

He looked at me with his intense gaze and his eyes glint with sadness.

"You will realize that you shouldn't like me too. Aalis ka ngayon dahil iiwasan mo ako."

Now it is getting weirder every second. Sinasabi ba niyang nababasa niya ang nasa isip ko?

"I didn't read your mind, okay?"

My lips parted with his statement. Twin flame, I always tell him that he is my mirror soul. Alam niya lagi ang iniisip ko.

"But what happened to us last night is something that I don't want to lose. Alright, creepy. I am creepy. I don't want to be creepy." Para siyang hinihingal sa mga salita. I shook my head and took a step backward. "But I missed you every single moment since I met you and I don't know what is happening. And I know what happened between us will make you think twice but if you feel the same then—"

"You are in a relationship. Hindi ka pupwedeng mahumaling sa hindi mo mahal."

"I understand, you are used to one night stands, I won't judge you—"

"Lorcan, nagkakamali ka ng iniisip. Hindi ako kagaya ng iniisip mo."

"Then tell me why on earth you would do it with me?"

"Dahil may nangyari sa atin, you would see me as a s*x object for that matter?"

Mariin siyang umiling. "I am thinking that I was a fckboy before amnesia, and I have those tendencies. In my mind you were my first and got addicted to it right away. I am sure I am not your first. Maybe you're used to this, so I am thinking if.."

"Inaalok mo ba akong maging FB mo?"

"FB?" Kumunot ang noo niya, goodness, bakit pati yon ay nakalimutan niya?

"Fck buddies! No strings attached, something like that."

"I don't know how to say it." Napayuko siya. I rolled my eyes heavenwards at agad na tumalikod papasok sana ng bahay pero hinila ni Lorcan ang hood ng jacket ko. Kung isa siyang estranghero, baka nasapak ko na, pero dahil meron siyang amnesia, I have to understand him.

"Alright kung ayaw mo—"

"Alam mo ba ang hinihingi mo?"

"You don't need to say yes, okay?" Namumula ang mukha niya, "Forget it. Fck. I don't act like my age, right?"

"You don't act like you." I shook my head head in disbelief. That wasn't even a valid question. It is so awkward. I've never been in that kind of relationship but heck I am sure they don't talk about that like this.

"Please don't hate me." Parang batang takot na takot ito.

"Lorcan, hindi 'to healthy."

"Alright, you find me weird." He said in defeat. Ngayon naman ay nagtatampo ang boses nito. "Of course, a guy with amnesia, acting like a teenager that he thought he is, jobless—"

"Stop." I warned.

"Good for nothing. I am not really that interesting."

"I said stop." Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. Nakaramdam ako ng awa. Bumuntong hininga ako. "Alright, hindi naman ako nagalit. I understand more than you think I can, I do.. Do you want to rest? Sasamahan kita hanggang sa makatulog ka. Just don't think about anything, funny. No s*x."

Yumuko ito at mahinang tumango.

"Good. I will cook your breakfast this time. You need to relax your mind. Baka sakali." Huminga ako ng malalim, "Baka sakaling may maalala ka na."

That day I stayed with him until he fell asleep. 

They said that love means letting go, but how could I when he can't? Or so I thought. Isang klase ng pagmamahal ang natutunan ko noon pa man, ang maging mapagbigay. Yung tinatawag ng lipunan na tanga at martir, oo, ako yon, dahil hindi pang-matalino ang pag-mamahal, hindi doon sa madaling masaktan. Doon sa mga matatapang na sumugal, yung mga nagpapanggap na kaya kahit hindi na pala because love should be extraordinary.

Love should be so big that it is your breathing space, it makes you alive even it is so, so painful.

We continued our 'friendship' for a week, our usual days would include walking Sirius in the morning.

"Sirius!" I called the golden retriever and he ran to me. Binigyan ko siya ng dog treat. Kinuha ni Lorcan ang kamay ko at isinuksok sa bulsa ng jacket niya.

"Hindi ko alam kung magseselos ako sayo kasi mas gusto ka ni Sirius o magagalit ako kay Sirius kasi mas gusto ka niya. I smell betrayal on this circle." Pinanliitan niya ako ng mata.

Mahina akong natawa, "Ayaw mo nun? May yaya ka na kay Sirius kapag umaalis ka. Sabi sa akin ni Sirius ayaw niya sa Daycare kasi cheap daw ang pagkain don." Bulong ko sa kanya.

"What? He said that?"

Mahina akong tumango. Lorcan pinched my nose and patted Sirius on the head.

Humarap kami sa mga bahay namin nang matapos ang morning routine namin. 

"Bukas ulit?" Lorcan asked while looking at me intently. I nodded.

"Bukas ulit."

Maaga akong lumabas kinabukasan at nakahanda na ang dalawang water jug sa aking kamay, isa para sa akin at isa kay Lorcan. Nagtaka ako nang makitang hindi pa siya lumalabas. Madalas ay siya ang nauuna tuwing umaga.

Pabagsak na bumukas ang pinto ni Lorcan na merong hawak na papel sa kamay. I almost jumped.

He looked at me directly and the words tumbled on his mouth like an acid.

"Calla Sussane Torres-Alcantara." Malamig ang boses na tawag niya sa akin.

--

Maki Say's: Next update is Next week. Magde-dayoff din ako :)