A long chapter for my lovely readers

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Anusha’s POV

He left me alone. He left me alone in my misery.

The moment he left the living room I lie down on the couch burying my face in the cushion crying my lungs out.

I was too vulnerable at moment to realize anything. I just continued crying the whole time. The whole night.

I can’t imagine, I caused him this much pain. He was trying really hard for me and here I was completely oblivious to all this.
He was the one who cared for me more than anyone, loved me like a true lover. He understood my each and every unsaid word. I’m really bad, I’m so bad I don’t deserve him.

Here I was enjoying every moment without realizing that he was suffering inside. Because of me.

I cried the whole night without realizing when I fell asleep.
.
.
.
.
.

The next morning I woke up, my eyes were swollen from crying the whole night, all the episodes of last night came flashing my mind.

I need to apologize to him.

You need to say sorry to him!

I need to do something!

I started running towards our bedroom without carrying where I'm stepping my foot on.

I was about to turn the knob, to open the door when I realize the door is already open.
I came inside and started looking for him. But he was not there. He must be in the bathroom I thought and knocked on the bathroom door but no one answered.  I opened the bathroom door and he was not there too.

I started panicking. Where is he?

I quickly started searching for him in the whole house while running to each and every room. But he was not there too.

Where are you Siddharth?

I sat down on one of the chair kept in the kitchen and started crying. Where is he?  I think I should call him, I thought and started looking for my phone.

I found my phone on the center table in the living room. I dialed his number.

Waited.

I waited.

But ‘the customer you are trying to call is out of coverage area’ keeps on repeating on the other line.

I sighed deeply. Thinking about where he could go.

“Mom”

I called mom right away. She answered after a long ring.

“Hello,” I said

“Hello........ good morning beta” mom replied her voice groggy

“M-mom”

“ you woke up so early today?” she said. I looked at my phone screen to check the time, it was 5:30 in the morning.

I facepalmed myself. Mom must be sleeping I disturbed her this early.

“I’m sorry mom, I didn’t realize what the time is”

“it’s okay beta. Is everything okay?  You and Bholu? You two are fine na?” she said her voice full of concern for us.

She doesn’t know about Bholu. That means he is not there with her too.

“yes, mom everything is fine. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

She chuckled, “this early? Tell me what is it? I know there is something wrong.”

“nothing mom...... everything is fine. I just had a nightmare” I lied.

“Oh……………relax we are fine bacha” she assured for my lie.

“ I think I should hang up now, Mom. Sorry to disturb you once again. Bye.”

“It’s okay beta” and we hung up the call.

Where could he be? I know he won’t disturb anyone this early. If he is not with mom then he won’t disturb anyone else either.

I know him he doesn’t like to share his problems with anyone, so it's not possible that he can go to anyone’s house.

Maybe Karan? No not him, he is in London.

Sunidhi di? Maybe but he doesn’t want his sister to worry about him.

He won’t show his problem to anyone, but me, he only shows his discomfort, his problems to me only…………….or is it me who always learn this thing behind the curtain of his eyes and I was always denying all that. I was ignoring his hurt his pain.

I was so worried where he could be. I caused him too much pain. He was too hurt last night. He loved me and in return, I gave him pain.

What if something bad happened to him?

NO! nothing can happen to him!

Nothing can!

I again tried his number but still it's not reachable. What if he had an accident? He was so angry last night, maybe the left the house when I drifted to sleep and he had an accident.

NO!

No. no. no. nothing can happen to him.

Why do you care about Anusha?

Because he is my husband.

Oh really? Is this the only reason?

I shook my head and dialed my mum's number she is the only one who can set my mind somewhere right. Although I’m not going to tell her everything. How can I?

“Maa,” I said the moment she answered the call. I  don’t know what came over me I started crying. I was unable to control my sobs.

“ Anusha! What happened beta.” She asked her voice full of worries.

“ Nothing I just wanted to talk to you.” I tried to hide my sobs

“I know there is something wrong beta………… just tell me or you won’t call me at this hour......... Batao Bache.”

“Maa. I’m really a bad girl... I can’t be a good w…….” I was about to say that I’m a bad wife but I stopped. I can’t tell her she will be worried about me.
“Nothing maa. It’s just………… I-I always make everyone around me upset.”

“It’s okay…………. if you don’t want to tell me, but beta remember one thing, I always told you, you are the best daughter and you are best in everything but the only thing wrong with you is,  you never realize your own self. You always underestimate yourself.”

I started crying harder. But covered my mouth, I don’t want her to listen to me crying. This is exactly what he was saying, I can’t figure out my own feelings for him.

“Don’t cry just listen to me. The only problem with you is you always see what you want to see. You are too blind to realize your mistake. You always let your mind rule you, just give your heart a chance......... So it’s good to listen to your heart Anu, just kill your evil mind.”

“and if there is something related to Siddharth, so trust me Anu, he will never do anything to hurt you. He loves you a lot. And you know this better than anyone else.”

You are right Maa, Siddharth will never do anything to hurt me, it’s your daughter who caused him pain. The only thing he wanted from me is just love.

How does she know what is going on in my life, what is troubling my mind? She always does that!

“I know maa…….” I sobbed,  “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Hmm… but don’t forget what I’ve said, listen to your heart......You know? He is so sweet, he calls us almost every week just to ask how we are doing. Even you forget to call us but he never does.” She said proudly.

I was so shocked after hearing this. He calls them and I don’t have any idea about this. He cares a lot for me and my family.

“Go now... let me sleep......You disturbed my sweet morning slumber” she said to make me laugh.

I smiled, “ take care Maa”

“Bye beta,” she said and hung up.

I took a deep breath and tried to collect my mind. Closing my eyes I started playing last night in my head.

The memories of last night brought tears to my eyes. The only thing he wanted from me was love and I’m unable to give him.

Why?

Why can’t you love him?  Why can’t I believe in love? Why can’t I put myself into words, what I’m feeling for him? Why my feelings are so unnamed by me?

I can’t believe in love. Why there is nothing like love in my dictionary? When everything is here in front of me. Does love really exist? But why is it that something is felt missing in me when he is not here. With me. Right by my side?

Think  Anusha what do you feel for him? He said he can see love in your eyes and in your action for him.

Everyone said that you are so into him. Is it true?

No this can’t be true, you don’t do love thing. My evil mind spoke.
You care for him, feel good to have him around but this can’t be love because there is nothing like that.

He waited for me to love him back. He gave me all the space I needed. Sometimes your insecurities about your own self push everything far from you. He never forced his love on me always giving me what I needed………. ‘time’. But how long can a person wait? He was tired of waiting.
Anyone can!

So what? can’t he wait any longer? Again my evil mind spoke.

For what? her troubled feelings? No, it’s not worth waiting. My heart said.

Oh come on..... stop being so dumb. He was attracted and it’s done now. Just let him go. That evil butted in.

Stop all this!  Just concentrate on your feelings Anusha. Figure out what you feel for him. Name your troubled heart beats when he is around, close to you.  My angel said.

You are making her weak. Anusha doesn’t listen to the stupid heart of yours. He will make you weak.

No! you are stupid. Anusha just listens to me. All he wanted from you is to realize your feelings for him.

No! evil said.

Shut up! Angel said.

You shut up!

You…..

“Ugh…………….shut up both of you let me concentrate” I shouted for some peace.

I was so insecure about myself that I never thought, I can get someone who can love me this much. Does love really exist? How can he believe in love?

I never thought he will be ready to tolerate my temper for his whole life. I was so insecure about my looks, my actions and everything about me.
I was thinking how can someone like him fall in love with a clumsy aggressive girl like me, but he did and he still loves me.

Maa said listen to your heart. Maybe I should give my heart a chance maybe by then I’ll get some peace.

Closing my eyes,  I drifted my mind back to the memories I have with him. Resting my head on the headboard of my bed. I started seeing everything between us through his eyes, the way he wants me to see them.

Our first meeting in the lift, I thought he was some stalker. I even glared at him. (I giggled).

The dance we shared in his office party, When he suddenly held me by my waist for the first time and my breath kept in my throat, I was afraid that I might cough like a goat in front of him. I was so shocked that time as it was my first physical touch with a man.

  The day of our engagement when he confessed his love to me and we were caught by everyone. I laughed with this sweet memory.

Then he became shameless, always showing his love in front of everyone. Looking for chances for us to be alone. Kissing my cheeks whenever he gets the opportunity.

Shameless spoilt brat!  I thought to myself but couldn’t hide the wide grin on my face.

Our wedding day, Wait a minute! he said, he knows that I’m afraid of expectations and love. I’m afraid of these new feelings. But how? Only Ayusha knows about it. Did she……….

No she can't tell him. I trust her. Then how does he know?

Leave it. I have better thing to think of!

I shook my head and smiled, continued thinking about him and me. Our sangeet, he was all the time looking at me, always making me shy in front of everyone. The moments we shared. My first kiss after he came back from Mumbai. I was waiting for him.

The dance he planned on our wedding reception it was completely unexpected. Oh my god! I was blushing the whole night. My friends still tease me about this.

Every time we are close my breathing always hitched. Whenever he kisses me I try to suppress myself from moaning. There is something different about the way he makes me feel and it feels amazing to me, I wanted something more to happen.

I was so excited to prepare lunch for his friends, was too excited to see him happy. He was so stupid asking for my permission. I mean why I would mind.

Him hugging me and kissing my forehead every day before dropping me, his small gestures. Teasing me, hugging me, the day I kicked him on his shin at Radhika’s wedding he was limping like a kid.

And………and then he carried me bridal style in front of everyone. He is so shameless indeed. Even in front of Bebe.
When he was watching my childhood picture, he was more interested in them than me. He was enjoying watching my children and held my hand with love. Always notice my sadness my fake smile whenever I keep one in front of people.
I covered my face with my palms and was blushing like a teenager.

I’ve never realized I was preparing myself to look better in his eyes. I was doing makeup.  Started taking extra care of myself.

His kissing brings the feeling of Euphoria in me, sends a chill down my spine, made my mind go blank and body crave for more, more than I was already experiencing.

He keeps on saying his feelings to me, now I know the reason of his waiting gaze. He was waiting for me to reply. When he kisses me never forget to say what he feels. Never forgets to say ‘I love you’ looking deep into my eyes saying everything with truthfulness.

The first time near the pool area, when he proposed me, the second time when he was convincing Mom to let him go for his business trip in Mumbai, though he was talking to Mom his eyes were on me.

It was definitely for me!

Then when we kissed for the first time, after he came back from his business trip, his eyes holding deep and intense love only for me. Then he continued confessing his feeling every time, and I was happy hearing his confession of his love for me.

Knowing it’s all true and it’s only for me.
He continued saying I love you during his every naughty act. I can’t help it I laughed remembering him hugging me and pulling me down with him on the bed tickling me and kissing me saying ‘I love you’ again and again. I pouted and said-

“I love you too Siddharth”  involuntarily.

I gasped. Did I hear myself correct?

I covered my mouth with my hand. What did I say?

“I love you?”

Do I love you? I asked myself.

Yes, I said I love you. I love him?.

Yes! I think I love him.

Why? 

Because now you got every god damn reason to love him!

Is this is love what I was feeling? I love everything about him. I’m smiling even giggling without my realization while thinking about him.

Maybe this is what love is. Caring for someone more than your own self. When someone makes you believe you are beautiful, you are the most important person in this entire world to him. There is someone who is waiting for you, dying to see your face all the time.

And you even can’t think to spend a single minute without him. Seeing his face in the morning brings out a smile, makes you grin automatically. His bright radiant face makes your day.

He was right, I love him. The only thing needed to be me to realize my love for him. This was love what I was feeling the whole time.

That was so insane of me not to realize my true feeling, I was all the time thinking that this is all infatuation and marriage is a part of your life where you get married to some stranger and just to make it legal to involve in physical intimacy with that person but he proved everything wrong.

He proved that being physical and feeling affection is nothing but an expression of pure love. He didn’t force himself on me because he knows my feeling is a mess and I’m in a complete denial this whole time.

He waited, waited for me to confess my love. But me being stupid me!

I hurt him too much. I loved you all along without my own realization.

Siddharth…………... You were right this whole damn time and I was a dumbhead.

“I want him to know what I’m feeling for him. I LOVE YOU!” I shouted and getting up from the bed. Hugging myself I smiled widely.

Again plopped down on the bed giggling like a maniac.

But I can’t tell him right now I don’t know where he is? I hope he is fine. He left because of me.

He has to be fine!

For me!

But what if something bad happened to him. And I’ll be responsible for all this. What will I say to Mom and Mumma if something really happens to him? I don’t know what and where he is, but nothing can happen to him.

My miseries my foolishness brought all this. It made my little happy world my living mess and I want to clean up all the mess I’ve created. 

Again I started crying. Sitting down the edge of the bed I dialed his number once again but still the same ‘not reachable’.

“ Where are you Siddharth? I’m so worried”

You deserve this. My mind replied.

Again you! Just go and fuck yourself and leave me alone with my Siddharth.

I was crying hugging my knees when-

"DING DONG"

The door bell rang, I ran downstairs without even looking myself in the mirror, hoping to see the love of my life.
Who cares how I’m looking, the only thing I care about is MY  MAN!

________

'I was yours before we even touched each other.'

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